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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

515 replies

Cleme · 20/09/2024 05:50

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

OP posts:
OrangeTeabags · 22/09/2024 11:08

Cleme · 22/09/2024 10:16

Yes, indifference is the aim!

Thanks, I will investigate Dr R. I truly believe that I couldn't have done anything differently. I never lied, never pretended to be anything that I wasn't. Was always up for doing things, spending time together, continually positive and supportive.

I keep on thinking of all the things we will now do as 3 and it does make me excited for the future in many ways.

And yes, you are right about the lack of soul in such individuals. Doubtful he will ever truly show any remorse. It is so confusing though. Once upon a time he was lovely, enthusiastic, interested person. I do wonder if Dracula visited him one night and destroyed his soul!

You sound amazing!

I think there very little doubt that he is going to wake up one day and wonder what the hell he has done.

But by then you and your children will be a strong, happy unit getting on with it all without him.

You are going to absolutely ace this xx

Faldodiddledee · 22/09/2024 11:13

I agree with the way you are handling this. If you are anything like me, you have a good day, then a bad one, then get stronger again and over time the trajectory is upwards. I'm sure the children are horrified, it's pretty final to leave for a life that far away and it must feel like a rejection of them and your family.

No need to contact his employer, it is not illegal to be a twat.

You have already come a good distance. Don't worry if you start to wobble or worry about things, that is normal. You are doing just great.

OrangeTeabags · 22/09/2024 11:51

Yeah, don't contact his employer or do anything else that could appear vengeful or let him start to use the oft trotted out "my ex is crazy" trope.

Be dignified and be a great role model for your kids which is sounds like you already are.

Daftapath · 22/09/2024 12:14

I agree with you and others, op. Concentrate on you rather than him. He doesn’t deserve any more thought than you absolutely have to give him.

With regards to bank/savings accounts, I would be clearing and closing/freezing any joint accounts/credit cards in case he decides to max out any overdrafts which would then be your responsibility to pay off.

Also, change all utility bills to your name so that you have full control and he cannot cancel anything.

I can’t remember whether you said, is your name on the house deeds as well as the mortgage? If not, register your Home Rights with Land Registry so that he cannot sell the house without your knowledge.

Diarygirlqueen · 22/09/2024 12:21

I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. Something traumatic happened to me, it's took me 3 years to get over it. You sound an amazing mum, with a good head on your shoulders. I really hope karma comes to bite him, he'll regret leaving his children.

TheBestUsernamesAreGone · 22/09/2024 13:00

I wish you all the best. He has definitely lost more than he realizes although at the moment he is not going to see that.
This website may help?

www.runawayhusbands.com/

Pumpkinpie1 · 22/09/2024 13:10

What are you doing OP regarding maintenance and your mortgage ?
At the moment you are incredibly vulnerable and dependent on him financially.
Can you get him to sign over the house to you so he can’t put a claim on it ?
He has shown he is unreliable and unpredictable, what happens if he just stops paying the mortgage?

DreamyCyanFinch · 22/09/2024 16:21

All the best to you.What an heart rentching story.I too am shocked by his callous behaviour.
Just sending best wishes, and hoping that you get the NZ CMS to find him, and pay for his children.

DreamyCyanFinch · 22/09/2024 16:22

Sorry can't spell wrenching

Valeriekat · 22/09/2024 19:45

CheekyHobson · 20/09/2024 05:57

I live in New Zealand and would be happy to pop over to his house to leave a burning bag of dog poo on his front step on your behalf.

Me too!

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 23/09/2024 18:52

How are you doing OP?

Cleme · 23/09/2024 20:25

Hi all,

I am doing ok. I have been signed off work this week so I can rest and get my head round things. The docs have also prescribed an anti depressant to take in the short term. I don't feel depressed as such but I defiantely feel anxious and sad.

Spent yesterday rearranging my room. The kids helped. It is looking a lot different so feel I have reclaimed it in some way.

Had a few tears when I heard a song on the radio he liked (we had the same taste in music) and then when I cooked the pasta dish we always had. It is going to take some adjustments.

I need to look through the feed again and thank everyone - I really am so grateful. The replies to my original post really did help pull me through.

X

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 23/09/2024 21:19

Your story hurts my heart, his behaviour is so cruel. Has he been in contact? Glad you're taking time off, I'm wishing you all the best x

ButterCrackers · 23/09/2024 21:38

Wishing you all the best. Keep moving forward and rebuilding your life.

ItsFreedomBabyYeah · 23/09/2024 22:03

Wow, I'm sorry this is happening to you OP. Men are utter, utter, utter shits. In one way, the trash has taken itself out, but I know that is not helpful to you at the mo. Best thing, try not to contact him, at all. Its also the hardest thing.

TeaMistress · 24/09/2024 17:56

My dear I think you need to see a solicitor fairly urgently in respect of divorce and getting him off the mortgage and the deeds. You don't want him crawling back out of the woodwork claiming that you owe him anything. You and your children need stability and security and you are all better off without him.

TeaMistress · 24/09/2024 17:56

My dear I think you need to see a solicitor fairly urgently in respect of divorce and getting him off the mortgage and the deeds. You don't want him crawling back out of the woodwork claiming that you owe him anything. You and your children need stability and security and you are all better off without him.

Carlou · 26/09/2024 04:23

Valeriekat · 22/09/2024 19:45

Me too!

Me three!

sunflowersngunpowdr · 26/09/2024 11:38

CheekyHobson · 20/09/2024 05:57

I live in New Zealand and would be happy to pop over to his house to leave a burning bag of dog poo on his front step on your behalf.

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

BinkyBeaufort · 30/09/2024 12:42

How are you Cleme? I've been thinking about your predicament, hoping that you're managing ok, and sending love and strength.

Cleme · 01/10/2024 13:41

BinkyBeaufort · 30/09/2024 12:42

How are you Cleme? I've been thinking about your predicament, hoping that you're managing ok, and sending love and strength.

Thanks BinkyBeaufort. I have had a few days away from MN - busy with kids etc but also processing still! I am doing okish. So up and down. Back at work now after being signed off last week.

Flipping from 'life will be much better just the three of us' versus 'I wish he would realise what he has done and come home.'

I know the latter is unlikely and not a good scenario ultimately.

But tell my heart that!

OP posts:
Cleme · 01/10/2024 13:43

ItsFreedomBabyYeah · 23/09/2024 22:03

Wow, I'm sorry this is happening to you OP. Men are utter, utter, utter shits. In one way, the trash has taken itself out, but I know that is not helpful to you at the mo. Best thing, try not to contact him, at all. Its also the hardest thing.

Yes, it is the hardest thing not contacting him.

If he was in Spain or anywhere else in Europe, I would have gone there and confronted him. But NZ WTF????

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 01/10/2024 13:55

I'd be very kind to myself if I were you. I would take care of myself like a pet.
Well done on being back at work. You will survive this.

Flashcardsagain · 01/10/2024 14:38

I'd still be suspicious that he is 5 miles down the road.

I think now is the time to plan some cool things for this next year as a smaller and more cohesive family. Have some things to look forward to even if it's very simple

Cleme · 01/10/2024 16:06

Lentilweaver · 01/10/2024 13:55

I'd be very kind to myself if I were you. I would take care of myself like a pet.
Well done on being back at work. You will survive this.

Work have been amazing. So grateful.

OP posts:
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