Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

The good news for you is I’m a decade on from when it happened so I know you’re going to be ok. My kids are happy and healthy and we have the loveliest bond. I am single by choice and very happy. I have bonds with friends that definitely wouldn’t have been as strong had I not been through what I did. You and your kids are going to be absolutely grand. You just need some time - it’s very early days. Sending strength xx (and I mean it - do not take the shitbag back - you deserve way better and so do the kids)

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with such callous, duplicitous, irresponsible behaviour. And your DC are old enough for this to take a heavy toll on them.

I haven’t read entire thread, only your posts. So others may already have said this. And I don’t want to worry you. But when you seek legal advice, I suggest you ask about risks of the children being taken to NZ (e.g. for a visit) and kept there. I’m sure others on here will know what steps/legal documents are needed to prevent it. I assume you have to establish custody first.

I know he appears to have abandoned you all. But clearly he’s been making plans for a v long time, while deceiving you. So, nothing he says is to be believed. There’s a risk he may have planned to go ahead, get settled and then get the kids over to live with him, e.g. on the pretext of a visit.

Oh no another one! So she's unstable and needy with teenage DC and he thinks it's loves young dream the daft sod.

He is definitely not your friend and you need to get what you can and your ducks lined up whilst he's feeling a little guilty because that won't last.

A friend of my bf's sister went on a holiday for her husband's 50th and he was due to meet them the next day. He did not. She came home and he had cleared everything of his out of the house even photographs. Just gone after being together 30 years. Of course for the OW.

It beggars belief to have such little respect for you and his DC.

But you will be fine and you will thrive.

Like many people, I’d imagine, I’ve been thinking about you on and off all day. When this thread gets archived, as it will, I will think of you and your kids from time to time and send you good feelings.

I made peace with my own father for a good 15 years, visited him, and shifted my expectation of him, enjoyed what I could and ignored what I couldn’t. He was unfortunate in that he couldn’t maintain relationships so it stopped when he met a new woman who didn’t like the fact he had (adult,10,000 miles away) kids and we fell out for good. Sad thing is, when he died, he hadn’t told the few friends he still had that he was estranged from his kids. So I think he felt shame.

It’s taught me a lot about people, loyalty and made my own relationship choices more well thought out, no interesting arty types.

Please just be happy in the future. My dad cheated on and left my mum and once that door was shut, it was bolted, but he knew deep down he’d made a terrible mistake, I truly believe that.

Hi there. I really feel for you. Personally I cannot see his new life working out as surely he will start to miss his children. He sounds totally awful. I wonder how long his new relationship will last. Surely the new woman will be worried that he will do the same to her. I feel sure it will be doomed to fail. I really think it will not be long before she wonders what on earth she has done as your husband sounds truly horrible. Personally I hope in time that you meet a lovely man who is trustworthy, loves you for the brave woman you are. I wish you all the best indeed.

@Cleme you're holding it together a lot better than I would be. That is one prize bastard. Let’s hope the reality of life in NZ brings Captain Cockend crashing back to earth.

But in the meantime may he be set upon by a thousand randy kakapo.

Captain Cockend. I'm dying 😂

This Is despicable. My heart hurts for your children. To be abandoned by their father is unforgivable and would be enough for me to despise him.

Take care of yourself.

Sadly he probably won't miss his DC. I know someone who did this and they justify all the crap decisions by putting it all on other people. He will start blaming @Cleme for imagined behaviour or constraining his lifestyle. He will blame her when he can't be bothered with the zoom calls anymore. He will talk the talk and say to other people he misses them but blame her so it doesn't looks so bad. Ultimately he has demonstrated that he is severely lacking in empathy so won't consider his dc's feelings at all. It will be all about him and his wants.

Hopefully they grow up to realise it's all him and not them that caused this.

Thanks again everyone for your very supportive comments - it is all so useful and has really helped me turn a corner.

Am currently reeling that this person I was married to could have such little respect for me. To have taken advantage of my good nature. It is sociopathic.

But I know that I will have many dark moments when I won't feel so empowered.

To confirm, the job is definite. It is a support role so the PHD etc is not required. A senior support role, very specialised hence the good pay.

And yes, in answer to one poster, I realise my story here has been rather outing. But it is no secret and many people where I live are fully aware of situation.

Thanks again

X

There isn’t a person on the western hemisphere who won’t be horrified by what he’s done, and others will recount the tale, so you having a record of your point of view is absolutely fine.

Best of luck to you and your kids x

Honestly OP there has been so many posts I’ve seen on here especially when people talk about men they are dating and people will ask if it’s there ex when so many men are just universally shit so I wouldn’t worry if it is.

Also why should we as women always be hush hush and carry the shame whilst they swan off into a new life not caring about the collateral damage. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

This is very helpful to reflect on.

No I would not choose the version he became lately.

Thanks x

Do you have any joint savings op?

No. Most things were separate.

Your not-so-D H has got himself a top prize... a suicidal woman who is likely to be neurotic, reliant on him, controlling and unstable, and 2 step-children who are teenagers and are likely to give him massive grief. He has no friends, no family and no support in New Zealand. And considering how low salaries are here (I live and work in NZ), I really doubt he has got such a "great salary" as a "support person".

He's in for a reality check soon, if he has not realised already. I know you will be emotionally devastated and heartbroken, which will not allow you to enjoy the show... but this soon-to-be comedy really deserves a good sofa, popcorn and comfy slippers.

Mark my words.

Just curious, where in New Zealand has he moved to?

I just went back and read it's a non-PhD "senior support" in university. It won't be well-paid. I was working as a scientist with a PhD in a University in NZ. It was ok salary, but very far from well paid. And in UK terms, it would have been low. 35% lower than what I was earning back in the UK as a postdoc.

Price of housing and rent in New Zealand is exhorbitant, cost of living crisis has particularly hit, groceries are extremely expensive compared to UK. As I said, he is in for a shock in every possible area of his shiny new life.

I have my popcorn ready.

Hi @Cleme , thank you for your updates. I rarely get invested in MN posts (altho' do get aereated sometimes!), but yours hit a chord.
The next few months will obviously be tough, but you and your children sound like a fabulous little unit. Wishing you strength, and ultimately, happiness again

@aurynne has I think nailed it. The cost of living here is very expensive. It doesn't sound like he will be particularly well paid.

It is really helpful getting the NZ perspective from people actually living there! From the small amount of information I have gleaned (trawling through too much makes me feel quite upset), it does indeed sound like an expensive place to live. I think the job is well-paid for a creative post. It is more than a teaching salary here. I found the original job advert. But, no, it won't make him a millionaire...
Probably shouldn't divulge where he is but let's say the university is a good one.

I genuinely feel like I have managed to shake off that feeling of wanting him to return - and this is all thanks to the sense that these posts have knocked into me. The agony of the beginning of the week has been replaced by the deep-rooted realisation that the three of us will have a much happier life without him. The children are upset but seem so appalled at his behaviour that their opinion of him appears forever changed. Of course, he will always be their father and in time that relationship may be restored in some way.

Thanks again all x

Hi there. I am wondering is it worth contacting the HR people at the university and explain what he did to you. He may find they can retract this fabulous career contract. However that could have a negative in that he could not then pay you anything. I really wonder how long his new relationship will last. At some stage he will be dealing with himself a heavy drinker and this new person could well have her own issues as she is suicidal. I really cannot see this a lasting and enduring relationship. I think that at some stage he will be in touch saying it hasn't worked out and he is heading back to England. The lifestyle there sounds vastly different to what my idea was. It sounds amazingly expensive. He sounds a nasty piece of work. I do think you will have a better life without him. In time I really hope you meet a man who is so different to this idiot. I would love to hear in time that you have met a fantastic partner. It does happen as I have a friend whose h left her suddenly. He is alone whereas she now has a fantastic new partner. I send my best wishes to you without a doubt.

I have considered contacting the University, but really wonder how much better revenge will make me feel. He has made his choice and he has to live with it now. Me sabotaging that will just end up with me appearing vindictive and bitter. I need to rise above it all. He will have his own internal reckoning.

Strange as it may sound after having abandoned them, I do believe the separation from the children will tear him apart. He was close to them, he did love them. I think in some absurd way he had a vision of Zoom calls and half term visits that would enable him to still maintain a proper relationship.

The disintegration of that fantasy will be his undoing. I don't need to contact HR.

As for another partner, my goodness, how does anyone ever trust anyone ever again after this?! Mind boggling.

You are doing the right thing. Don’t give him a chance to be like see this is why I left. He would flip the narrative in seconds to everyone that he had to escape you.

The best hope is to reach indifference which will take a long time I’ll be honest as it’s working through so many levels of grief.

In regards to meeting someone new honestly you’re right you will feel like that. I recommend listening to DoctorRamani on YouTube. She recommends a year minimum before any dates and you’ll find a lot of her stuff helpful in working through why your ex did this and that it’s not you or anything you could have done.

Whats helped me is working on my support network of friends. Getting better position for myself such as learning to drive, seeking new work. I’ve taken my girls on solo holidays and done things we just wouldn’t have and it’s made our new little family unit stronger all for it.

He probably will regret it but he also could be the type that wouldn’t ever want to admit that so don’t hold your breath. These men have no soul I’m sure of it. 😂

Yes, indifference is the aim!

Thanks, I will investigate Dr R. I truly believe that I couldn't have done anything differently. I never lied, never pretended to be anything that I wasn't. Was always up for doing things, spending time together, continually positive and supportive.

I keep on thinking of all the things we will now do as 3 and it does make me excited for the future in many ways.

And yes, you are right about the lack of soul in such individuals. Doubtful he will ever truly show any remorse. It is so confusing though. Once upon a time he was lovely, enthusiastic, interested person. I do wonder if Dracula visited him one night and destroyed his soul!