Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

Also many mortgage companies don’t include benefits as income and you might want to take over your home or buy something else in the near future

@TheSandgroper may he have that itch, always just out of reach
May he never have a working tv remote

Sisterhood? I’ve been reading posts on here long enough to learn that, in most cases, there isn’t one!
I wish you health and strength to make the life of this appalling craphead as hard as you possibly can (through solicitors etc not personal contact). I hope you get help and comfort from your parents, who will also help you to support and care for your children. At least he hasn’t got his hands on them and will one day realise what he’s missed! Good luck, and keep strong!

May his most tender regions be ravaged by the burning, itchy bites of a thousand New Zealand sandflies.

I'm not sure he is going to be having a great time and I'm a New Zealander. It's winter at the moment. If he is at the university which I suspect he is at, it's particularly cold there this time of year. The cost of living in NZ is very expensive in terms of things like groceries and rent. Although our housing market is currently falling, the idea that you can sell some hovel in the UK and buy a nice large sunny house here is long gone in reality. Food prices are also quite a bit dearer than in the UK. Lots of British people find NZ is not at all what they expected and a 10 day holiday is not really the basis for getting to know a country. Some also expect NZ to be just like the UK but better and are, inevitably, disappointed.

Anyway, arty job or not, there is still housework, cooking and cleaning to be done. I can't imagine that life with the suicidal woman and her two teenage children is going to be a delight. Imagine those poor teenagers when some random man they might, at best, have met briefly moves in with them. Imagine your husband getting to experience those dreadful teenage years up close. Putting out the bins will probably be a welcome break.

NZ is a REMO country. REMO stands for Reciprocal Enforcement of Maintenance Orders and it is an international agreement to recover child maintenance from parents who live in different countries. You must have a child maintenance order that you can enforce. I understand though it can be a bit complex and cumbersome and you probably need some specialist advice. Please do not follow Avertmyeyes advice about contacting his employer. The university won't care though that he's walked out on his wife and family and they wouldn't give you any personal information either. I suspect he will not be paying the mortgage for long, given the cost of living in NZ, so I think it is really important to get things settled as soon as possible.

Yes, I think you need to get driving lessons as well. I second the automatic - I can drive a manual car but it is a dying art. My children never borrow my car because they can't drive a manual. An automatic has park and drive, two pedals - one for the brake and the other for accelerating - and you just have to steer it and be able to stop. I taught my mother to drive when she was in her fifties and she was still driving a manual in her seventies.

online scammy lady. Met thru some sort of chat/meet site.
She flatters him endlessly, she is upset and he is the hero, they both in NZ but she is quite far away. There is I'm sure physical relationship, but she always always needs money.

It’s not a relationship that any family recognizes as “normal” he’s always helping her and the solution is always money. She could move to be near him, or him her, but there’s always a reason.

OP husband did not do the right thing. He should have done actual divorce & settle things. Then move. I wonder what he put on his application for work visa …. In my experience, they ask person every detail about every part of their life. They are interested in trailing spouse and kids …

I do wonder if he lied on his visa application.

So glad your friends are rallying round.
To do this to you and to his children is utterly despicable.

Don't trust anything he says about finances. Especially the mortgage.
Sending you a big hug.

Good for you!

Wouldn’t that be lovely?! 🤣💩🔥

I’d be sending an email to his new employer. Not particularly because he’d lose the job, but I’d like the idea of people gossiping about him before he even started.

If you want to crowd fund for your travel costs and a thank you bottle of something nice for doing this I would be happy to contribute. I could feel my blood boiling when I read the OP's post. That is one of the worst stories about scummy men that i have read on here

So no, he has no intention of coming back to a daily grind, school run, cleaning the loo type of life.

He'll be having that life and worse what with two teenage step children and a suicidal woman he has only known 10 days!

He'll want to come crawling back soon enough!

You and your kids sound amazing. You will get through this!

@Cleme there is a lot of valuable and free info about divorce etc on the .gov site (even on dividing up property and caring for kids etc). If you can agree the financial side of things without having to get solictors to send letters back and forth, you could avoid a lot of expense (you’d still pay the solicitor to write up the agreement). Other organisations such as Citizens’ Advice can help. Court fees for the divorce etc on their own are not too expensive. If you can’t agree amicably then mediation might be a less expensive option. But do read up on the process.

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

There is a whole chapter on kids/property

I'm so sorry OP. But at the same time, can't help thinking this will be for the best for you. Your H is no longer the man you married. He is a stranger. A heavy drinker, a deceiver and capable of inflicting the most serious hurt on you and his children. If you met him now as he is, knowing what he is, you wouldn't want him, and that's what you've lost, not the man you loved and married. You've had the best of him and now some other woman is getting what's left over. In time you will see this and you'll be glad to be free of him, and in the likely event he comes back, i doubt youll want him. Until then it's really a case of being as gentle and kind to yourself as you can, leaning on any support you have and knowing that each day you've got through takes you closer to feeling better.

Thanks Cotonsugar.

I won't lie, it's been very difficult. Frankly, my childhood was hell because both my parents hadn't actually wanted children in the first place, we only exist because my mother is Catholic (been told that a lot, too).

My father left when I had just turned 21, a week after my wedding, while I was on honeymoon....I came back to WW3. My mother emotionally blackmailed myself and my brothers into going full no contact with our father...I was immature, in shock and didn't push back on it. We were told we were 'disloyal' if we had any further contact with our father. Sad to say that my mother had always put her marriage before her children and when my father left her rage knew no bounds. She expected us (well more me as the only girl) to be her complete emotional support. Their divorce took 3 years and at the end of it I had a massive nervous breakdown and attempted suicide.

I realised that the only way I could cope going forward was to get as far away from my mother as I could. I moved to the other side of the world from her 35 years ago and have only seen her twice since. Very very low contact with her, still no contact with my father. I don't even know if he's still alive (and don't really care, either). Neither myself or my two brothers have had children of our own.

Apologies to @Cleme for hijacking your thread.

He will regret it and want to come crawling back but by that time you will be strong and have rebuilt your life with your children. I can understand you grieving the man you thought he was. How a husband and dad can do this I have no idea, as for the OW, she must have a heart of stone. Karma will get them

Jesus christ, this is one if the worst things I've read on here! I'm so sorry he turned out to be such a scumbag! I hope you and your kids are OK and admire how stong you're being xx

I hear you OP. The shock is indescribable to begin with. My ex husband left during my pregnancy with dc2. I had no idea it was coming and it was like a bereavement for the person I thought he was. I cried a lot for a while but also had to suck it up a bit and parent because I had no choice. Don’t bottle it all up , get counselling if you can afford it. If not unload on to good friends.
You can do this. Your kids sound amazing. I think you will bring them up in a tight knit little unit and flourish together.
It will get easier I promise , sometimes I look back now and think ‘ wow! I got through that and have done really well’
Good luck. One day you will look back on today and be proud of how far you have come.

On a very practical level, I would be sorting the divorce and more importantly financial settlement asap. While he is riding high and may be feeling a little guilty. Before reality sets in for him. Get him off the house deeds if you can, split pensions if any etc He will be harder to deal with once it all turns to shit for him. And you don't want him turning back up to live in his house - because he can. Until that's sorted, you are still his back up plan.

Regarding the job, it is at the university and as far as I can gather it is well paid. There is lots on their website about relocating from overseas so I guess they helped him with this.

But he isn't qualified to teach at a university, OP. This just isn't believable on his part. I've been involved in education for over 30 years, and also lived in New Zealand.

If he has just completed a PGCE or other route into teaching he isn't even yet fully qualified to teach in a school in the UK. He now needs a 2 year induction period as an ECT, even if he has QTS. Whatever his 'artistic' abilities he just isn't qualified to teach at university level - here or in New Zealand. To lecture at a university in NZ you need to be studying towards or have completed a Master's degree, or have a Doctorate degree. You also need experience in teaching and research. They generally expect you to be published.

He clearly doesn't have all these qualifications - or he wouldn't have just been doing teacher training in the UK. If he's telling you this, he's lying about it.

@TheSandGroper
May the fleas of a thousand Afghan camels infest his crotch and may his arms be too short to scratch.
Yep, I want you as my fairy godmother 😂😂😂

p.s. Cleme, you are handling this with a dignity that I'm not sure I'd be capable of. Huge respect and a ton of MN warmth 🤗coming your way xx

If those prints could do with some "alterations", I have some pygmy goats who don't care where they shit - or what they tread it into. They'd be happy to oblige😇
😇

Agree about the uni job. I work in HE and you wouldn't get a job as a lecturer without a PhD. There are far more applicants than jobs so there is no way you'd take a non-phd candidate, they wouldn't even make the long list.

Best thing with my ex was his own dad rejected him, refused to pay maintenance etc and he hated him for it. Then did exactly the same thing. Ah well, my kids are happy and healthy and have lots of lovely role models in their lives. His loss!

Are you able to learn to drive OP ? That will be an enormous help to you ... ?