Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

515 replies

Cleme · 20/09/2024 05:50

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

OP posts:
nutrosti · 20/09/2024 14:20

it is at the university and as far as I can gather it is well paid.

it may be well paid for teaching op
but it won’t be well paid per se, to comfortably support a new life in NZ and the huge expenses in setting up a new life and a family in the UK with one part time earning parent

please do progress UC

nutrosti · 20/09/2024 14:21

are you very rural? are you able to at least get out and about on public transport quite easily?

Original poster
Cleme · 20/09/2024 14:22

Purplethursdays123 · 20/09/2024 08:29

Does he have parents, siblings etc?

I would contact them clear-headed and tell them what has happened before he’s on the phone crying that he hated his life so much this was the only way he would see of carrying on…. And they close the door to feeling sorry for you.

I’d welcome others input on whether this is a good or bad idea.

Parent and sibling. Both horrified. But he is their son and brother. They will support him in the long term in the end. That is their right.

I think they think he has had a breakdown and on one level are concerned about him.

These things are hard.

I don't want to lose my relationship with them. I was very close to his mother who died in the spring.

OP posts:
nutrosti · 20/09/2024 14:23

one year teacher training under his belt and he’s got a well paid job at a university.

Have you actually got proof of this op?

martinisforeveryone · 20/09/2024 14:24

@Cleme I had intended to say the same as a recent pp about setting up a neutral email address kept strictly for correspondence about the children and untangling your joint affairs. I have various Gmail accounts for specific purposes and have everything from them forwarded to one 'catch all' account. Instruct him to contact you only through this account and you will have a full record. You can then mark everything for different folders according to topic and it will be easy to find things you need to refer to.

nutrosti · 20/09/2024 14:25

New job isn't teaching

but managed to secured a well paid job at a university and his past year’s “employment experience” is in teacher training in the UK?

op unless you have proof… i imagine this is BS

Original poster
Cleme · 20/09/2024 14:26

thiscantbemylife · 20/09/2024 09:28

My goodness this is chilling.

I went through something similar last year. He had an emotional affair with someone from work. I thought we were in a better place and off he left no conversation and ended over the phone. It is soul destroying dealing with the fall out with your children and tracing back in your mind what was real or a show.

Like my ex your husband put on a show and went through the motions while detaching and leaving in the most horrific way and hasn’t even got the decency to have done it to your face. He is not your friend. This is a line that has helped me.

Im almost a year on now OP and guess what the situation is. The other women doesn’t trust him because he’s a liar and a cheat. People know you loose them how you found them.

That shine is going to wear off quickly. She has teenagers he’s not going to want to deal with that. He can’t deal with emotions but has left for a woman who is not mentally stable by sound of it so yeah I’m sure that will be forever fun for him. When you think about it logically, this is what has helped me.

He has made awful truly on your death bed regrets here. You how ever OP will be so close to your children and the bond you will have through this will continue to strengthen.

I am actually happier now a year on with just my girls. I also didn’t drive and have been learning. Do automatic OP your brain will struggle to focus and I’m almost ready to take my test now. Take back your life.

Have film nights in where you all cuddle up in bed or on the sofa. You are all grieving right now and it will be hardest for the next 6 months. This stuff consumes you and you can’t understand how someone you thought you could trust can just swan off without a second thought. Be glad you don’t understand it. You got this.

So sorry for you too. Glad that a year on it has improved for you. Film nights sound perfect.

OP posts:
JessyCarr · 20/09/2024 14:29

So sorry OP. In a crowded field of contenders for MN Arsehole of the Year, your guy is right up there. May he step barefoot on many upturned plugs.

Original poster
Cleme · 20/09/2024 14:37

nutrosti · 20/09/2024 14:23

one year teacher training under his belt and he’s got a well paid job at a university.

Have you actually got proof of this op?

I found a print off of the Job Description and Personal Spec.

One of the things they asked for was 'Compassion and Integrity.' He had highlighted it in pink.

The job is in one of his artistic specialisms. Afraid it is not BS. It is a dream job for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cleme · 20/09/2024 14:38

nutrosti · 20/09/2024 14:21

are you very rural? are you able to at least get out and about on public transport quite easily?

Trains and buses. Fairly rural but I'm a town, not isolated.

It's a lovely place to live.

OP posts:
Mitch63 · 20/09/2024 14:40

I'm very sorry to hear he did that to you. he sounds lovely...not. It's not easy to give you advice, but you are clearly grieving and grieving is a process. and its one of those horrible things in life, in which you cannot go around it, you have to go through it. And you will be able to go though it and you will come out the other side. And you will feel better in time.

Plus the chances are, once he spents a lot of time with her, the novelty will wear off, the sheen will come off the romance (as always happens) and he will want back to his old life. In fact I'd almost guarantee that will happen.

Dont indulge him, tell him good luck and that you are moving on....and watch the sheen come off his romance, even quicker! I know, I'm a man, I know how these things work :)

Original poster
Cleme · 20/09/2024 14:40

JessyCarr · 20/09/2024 14:29

So sorry OP. In a crowded field of contenders for MN Arsehole of the Year, your guy is right up there. May he step barefoot on many upturned plugs.

Arsehole of the Year. Might get that printed on a T-Shirt and send it to him.

Off to get kids now..

Thanks again.

OP posts:
nutrosti · 20/09/2024 14:43

Cleme · 20/09/2024 14:37

I found a print off of the Job Description and Personal Spec.

One of the things they asked for was 'Compassion and Integrity.' He had highlighted it in pink.

The job is in one of his artistic specialisms. Afraid it is not BS. It is a dream job for him.

Show quote history

but you haven’t actually had proof of this “well paid job” in a university that isn’t in teaching ?

Sunnymummy8 · 20/09/2024 14:50

You have got this!

Avertmyeyes · 20/09/2024 14:53

Avertmyeyes · 20/09/2024 13:13

She might be a scammer too. Uncle in NZ has fallen for a scammer. She has all these “problems” she lives in NZ with family in China and needs money. Her car broke needs money.
We are certain she has a husband in China.

She has scammed him out of loads of money. Same too that it’s over internet.

She is not a normal person. But love bombs him and controlling. He cannot see it. Next she will be having his baby!

Edited

And fact he’s married to someone else means she is not financially responsible for his debts …

Avertmyeyes · 20/09/2024 14:57

Scammy woman prob already has a baby in the way.

nutrosti · 20/09/2024 14:58

OP not that you have ANYTHING to be ashamed about

but this is very very outing

the DH falling off rope swing and his serious injuries… that would have spread locally like wildfire

nutrosti · 20/09/2024 15:00

Avertmyeyes · 20/09/2024 13:13

She might be a scammer too. Uncle in NZ has fallen for a scammer. She has all these “problems” she lives in NZ with family in China and needs money. Her car broke needs money.
We are certain she has a husband in China.

She has scammed him out of loads of money. Same too that it’s over internet.

She is not a normal person. But love bombs him and controlling. He cannot see it. Next she will be having his baby!

Edited

i’d be intrigued to know your uncle’s motivations in this relationship

Fmlgirl · 20/09/2024 15:02

What kind of father does that to his kids?

BarbedButterfly · 20/09/2024 15:13

I'm so sorry. Get legal advice. They promise the world at first when they feel guilty, but it often changes. You will probably need to get a full time job as you'll be expected to maximise income and you would probably also be expected to pay the mortgage.

Also, prepare yourself. People always say they regret it and come back. My ex sent divorce papers very fast as they wanted to get married. They are still together 20 years on with children. It didn't help me hearing they would fail as I was unprepared for their success.

You need to look after yourself now and be prepared for him to try and get house sold and everything else. Unfortunately his infidelity won't matter a jot with a divorce. Get hunting out any pension statements etc. I found being practical gave me something else to focus on.

Faldodiddledee · 20/09/2024 15:14

Just in case you missed it, learn in an automatic. Much quicker and easier than learning in a manual and just buy an automatic car. Someone else said this too.

Flashcardsagain · 20/09/2024 15:16

The job he's told you about might be his dream job but is he actually doing it? He could be in a caravan in bognor spinning you another web.

nutrosti · 20/09/2024 15:17

Flashcardsagain · 20/09/2024 15:16

The job he's told you about might be his dream job but is he actually doing it? He could be in a caravan in bognor spinning you another web.

this is what i’m thinking

he’s been doing teacher training for last year

and now managed to miraculously secure a “well paid job in a university”

Come. Off. It.

CharlotteLightandDark · 20/09/2024 15:17

If your children are 9 and 13 I don’t think UC will give you much as they try and get people working more hours once the children are school age as it is.

Obviously can try but be better off increasing hours at your work place or looking for full time jobs

TheSandgroper · 20/09/2024 15:18

May he walk through a floor covered with lego on his midnight toilet trip.

May the fleas of a thousand Afghan camels infest his crotch and may his arms be too short to scratch.

Anyone else have something?

Swipe left for the next trending thread