Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

@Cleme you sound like a terrific woman. You are articulate and strong and will recover from this devastating betrayal. I'm so pleased you have brilliant children and supportive friends and family. If you are in my neck of the woods I'd be happy to support you too.

Crack on with the driving. Look at the millions who do it world wide. You're every bit as capable and after all, you won't have to go tearing around city centres and up and down motorways, not until you're ready.

Do a physical home detox. Get hold of as many empty cardboard boxes and storage bags and clear out anything that doesn't make you happy right now. If you don't have a garage or a loft to store them ask family or friends to take them for a while just until you see if you've done the right thing and yes, to buying new bedlinen and bits for your room.

These things and sorting out your new routine will be empowering and you can take it from there.

Obviously when he was with you, you helped make him the decent human being he appeared to be. Now he has a new 'partner' he's exposed as a heartless and devious shit that you wouldn't give house room to if you met him like this.

Wishing you all the best and hoping that karma takes massive chunks out of his sorry arse and doesn't waste any time about it.

There are no words! The deviousness at the heart of this story is mind boggling 😟 I hope you have managed to have a good life 😊

Wow op, just read the thread thats shocking 😳

what do you reckon the chances are of it working out for him with the other woman in NZ?! Its a shame hes done this to you and the kids. You sound so much stronger as a person as the comments have rolled on on here. I do hope you manage to start your life again and move on from this.

I hope his new job is a total disaster. Unquestionably his new relationship and home-life will be. What a pathetic idiot.

obviously all the posts re learning to drive, solicitor etc are very important but you will still have days I’m sure just needing to cry in bed. It’s almost a physical pain when you’ve loved someone to experience that betrayal and abandonment.
Have those days too. At some point it will be like you’ve shed a skin and a weight is off your shoulders and you’ll be enjoying a wonderful life with your DC.

And his life will be a dumpster fire. Smelling of dog poo hopefully x

He is going to have to pay child support no matter what.
If you find out where he is working you can call HR and say you (or just talk to anyone … gossip travels fast)

Sorry to bother you, recent employee X has abandoned family in UK with no financial suppport. His new girlfriend is suicidal and he feels she needs him more than we do.
I am working with immigration and lawyers. Can you please confirm who at your company is in charge of HR/ Payroll so that the lawyers can get documentation of income and immigration status.

We are also concerned that he might try to take the children which willl be a criminal act.

Spread his dirty laundry for all to see.

Embarrass him.

I'm so sorry OP, I highly doubt that his new life will work out well for him.
He will reap what he has sowed.

Oh give over. Mercifully the OP is more mature than this and took it in the spirit it was intended.

She might be a scammer too. Uncle in NZ has fallen for a scammer. She has all these “problems” she lives in NZ with family in China and needs money. Her car broke needs money.
We are certain she has a husband in China.

She has scammed him out of loads of money. Same too that it’s over internet.

She is not a normal person. But love bombs him and controlling. He cannot see it. Next she will be having his baby!

Joining In the chorus of him being a complete twat to do this to his family, and adding don’t burn or bin anything he’s left behind that you can sell, even for a few pounds, as it all adds up. Put it towards your driving lessons or a little reliable car.

You need his financial contribution set in stone, and what his plan is for seeing his kids - at his cost. He doesn’t get to just bugger off and pretend they don’t exist any more other than sending some money.

Find your anger.

… and also quite unhelpful.
She’s walked the therapy dog now so why mention you don’t like them. It didn’t eat her or anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

Give over? How do you know the 'spirit in which it was intended' unless you wrote it?!

@Cleme i tracked down my ex through CSA in Australia and they sent me maintenance cheques each month

Haven’t RTFT so apologies.

I’m so sorry he has done this to you and your DCs OP as others have said, don’t message him. Get legal advice re child support and get that agreed and locked in while in his happy place. Then treat every interaction as a business/work meeting. Courtesy, direct and no chit chat.

Him- hi (with a big happy grin on his cowardly face) how are you?

You- fine thanks, the DC need x/want to talk to you/need dinner so I can’t chat, bye

That kind of thing.

Lean on your friends and family while you are going through this. And get the house sorted in terms of ownership and mortgage. Again, legal advice for this.

Gosh, I'm so sorry OP. First thing, do am automatic driving test. I was useless at manual but passed first time in an automatic & it feels like driving a golf cart sometimes 😁. It'll definitely make learning quicker & cheaper as you won't need as many lessons. It's life changing to be able to drive.

Second thing, Jesus, he has completely destroyed his own life. Emigrating like this, he has lost his kids already & will never see them. That's beyond tragic. All for a mentally unstable women who he's only met once and tried to commit suicide recently. He'll probably be crying soon, looking at what he's done

Agree with everyone that the texting needs to end forever. Why not set up a new email address with a neutral name for discussion over the kids?

Good luck OP, you do sound very amazing.

Because she replied to me. Look, it was a casual aside and part of another more serious point which the OP has already addressed. Don’t derail things with a pile on. I thought very carefully before making that point (kids supporting parents through a divorce), with experience of something similar happening to someone I was close to in the past. Hive mind experience is a great thing about this forum. Let’s agree to disagree and keep the thread where it should be.

Just want to say sorry for what you’re going through.

My aunt had a similar experience - husband ran away to another continent leaving her and their 4 children. Financially he continued to help, but psychologically they were absolutely devastated for a long time.

I won’t pretend it wasn’t incredibly hard for her, but it’s clear that as a result she’s got one very close-knit family (all the children have stayed nearby and see her all the time as adults, as well as her grandchildren) and she has a tight circle of friends as well as having thrown herself into charity work for an organisation which really helped her early on. This isn’t the life you planned, but you can and will heal, and you can one day be happy again 💐

if you can

id be booking driving lessons as a top priority as otherwise you and son are going to be very isolated

so he’s not all remotely high earning?

how old are your children op?

you need to apply for UC and fast OP

he is low income and you’re only part time

i can’t see how he’s affording to pay your mortgage, flights to NZ and setting up life there.. on a teacher training salary

Hello everyone

Thanks so much for all the amazing posts - they are really giving me some much needed clarity.

Following the posts this morning, I was able to go and sleep (I did not sleep much last night).

Regarding the job, it is at the university and as far as I can gather it is well paid. There is lots on their website about relocating from overseas so I guess they helped him with this.

Like everyone on here, I am shocked at how many similar stories there are.

No, this won't be the life I wanted or thought I would have, but I guess I have no choice and will have a better one than him because I have my two amazing children with me (9 and 13 by the way).

I would never take him back now. Apart from my actual repugnance for such a thing, it is obvious from these other stories that they return just to bide their time again.

And yes, driving lessons need to happen soon.

Thanks again!

@Cleme make sure you check what benefits you are entitled to.
https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Not near Kent, I'm afraid but I feel your positive car driving vibes here out west.

Thank you!

Yep, just bog-standard.

Agree about the spider.

Head injury happened just a month before he went.

He applied for the job in January.

He depended on me to look after him for 3 weeks before he left.