Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

They're playing you like a fiddle, OP.
Don't trust them.

I would start looking seriously at financially securing myself to bring the child up alone. Then I'd tell him in a clear way that it doesn't look like the relationship is going to work. You need to be supported and to feel close to your partner. Since you don't have that, you don't have a relationship. Whether he takes the ring back or not I wouldn't be wearing it (once I'd said this) and I would call off the wedding. He can do what he likes after that, you can say you'll hope he'll be haply with more clarity but he won't be. He'll have thrown away a lot but it'd his own inability to see thongs for what they are and to hide his obvious want of another woman behing 'oh we're only friends' 'I have so much stress at the moment' etc etc it's lies for him being fucking coward and a loser besides that..

This I'm afraid. Even if it is not true they are having an affair and she is listening to hear him talk about his problems for hours purely out of the kindness of her heart - surely she must know it is inappropriate for them to be spending hours of time together like this, when he should be focusing on you?

If this woman had anything about her she would be sending him back to his pregnant DP rather than letting him pour out his heart to her.

Working in social care does not make her qualified to deal with mental health issues. What it does probably mean is that she would/should have an awareness of professional ethics: the need to not advise on areas where she is unqualified to advise, the need to not get embroiled in other peoples' personal lives and to keep a professional distance.

This woman is complicit in an emotional betrayal of you OP. Either she is much more conniving than she presents, or she is wilfully naive.

Nope do not trust either of them. Why didn’t she back off when she knew your partner had a pregnant girlfriend at home?

One thing I picked up on is that you said own but the house is in his name

if your not married and he owns the house he could kick you out tomorrow and you would have no rights at all to the house

Great; now get your name on the mortgage deeds.

Remember that he wanted YOU to go away when he was “stressed”, which would have given him an empty house (his new “friend” lives with her parents…)

From what I have learnt from friends who've gone through custody issues. Move close to your support network before baby arrives, also don't put him on the birth certificate.

If he isn't having an affair, he's trying really hard to!

He sounds very controlling!

They have got their stories straight OP.

She is backing him up.

Why would she be spending all this time with him.every evening if she was the concerned innocent person she is presenting to you?

She would be telling him to go home to his pregnant partner.

Much as you want to believe their story please don't be taken for a ride by this man.

All unethical for someone “in social care”

Is she lonely and craving the attention … pathetic

Personally I want to talk to her parents!

Until your name is on the house deeds do not give baby his surname or have his name on the birth certificate. If he won't put you on the deeds (and I can guarantee he'll use every excuse under the sun why he can't/ it's not a good idea right now) then this gives an indication of how committed he is to your future as a family unit. Don't be afraid to go home and be surrounded by those who will support you. You deserve better, as does your baby.

That was supposed to say house deeds

Oh OP. It all sounds very confusing. Ultimately, though, actions speak louder than words. Ignore their words and focus on their actions. Respond to their actions and not their words.

I know that's not what you want to hear, but this wisdom is hard come by. Actions not words.

He says "I love you" but he's out every night with another woman.

He says, "I need to get back to myself," but he's trying to evict you from the home that he owns.

The OW says, "He talks about you all the time," but he actually SPENDS all his time with the OW.

Please stop listening to his words. Stop listening to the OW's words. Listen and respond to their actions. What do their actions tell you about where you stand, and what's going to happen next?

I just read your update, I still think he was trying to have an affair.

I don't blame you for giving him the benefit of the doubt though, given the imminent birth.

I guess, don't put him on the birth certificate?!?!?

Absolutely this^

You say you do t think you are being naive- make sure you don't act it. Your earning potential takes a hit having children. Have you been paying I to this house you have no claim on? Call his bluff and see how he responds to you trying to financially protect yourself.

Also if this is being chalked up to mental health struggles. DO NOT take that upon yourself to fix. My ex did that to me. I was pregnant and he claimed depression and I was expected to make all this extra effort to support him when I was the one growing the baby and doing everything alone unsupported. My ex maybe was unwell but I think he just needed the attention all on him and a new baby takes that away from some men

@DogMamma2024 kick him out. He’s an arse. So very sorry.

He's a twat. He's sniffing around her and let's face it, she might not be interested but she isn't telling him she won't meet him and he need to pour all of that time and energy into his pregnant fiancé. She's still willing to meet him.
Kick him out OP. He's laughing at you.

Dear lord.

How convenient that he happened to find a single woman who just happens to have a slight connection to healthcare, to rush off to after showering and changing clothes every evening, and pour his heart out to her.

Sweetheart, wake up.

Your hormones and your fear of doing motherhood alone are not your friends here.

This man is not a reliable partner for you. And what's worse, he has very cleverly made you believe he is the one needing support here, while you're having his baby, and living in a house where you have fewer legal protections than a paying tenant or even a lodger. That is to say, you have no legal rights whatsoever.

In a nutshell, you are committed to this relationship up to your tonsils, while he has abandoned you in the emotional and psychological senses, and most likely sexually too. Your position is as precarious as it gets.

If you want to see where his heart is, sit him down and demand to be put on the deeds to the house.

He will achieve immediate mental clarity, I guarantee it.

Be prepared to pack your things and leave.

There may be nothing there from her side, however she's happy to spend all evening with him most of the week knowing you're pregnant at home alone. I'd take what she said with a shovel of salt TBH.

He was distancing himself from you, he was discussing you moving to your parents, he clearly thought this woman was interested and was happily pursuing her and pushing you away.

If it's not her, then it will be someone else down the line, try to get your name on the deeds while he's still feeling a shred of guilt. Unfortunately at the moment it's not your house, it's his house that you're subsidising.

Do not marry him.

He doesn’t have to jump through hoops, he has to follow standard well laid out legal guidelines, it’s not hard, so why the dramatic reaction from you? Paperwork doesn’t stop him being a dad or mean he can’t see the baby.

Why should OP make his life any easy, at her own expense, when he’s treated her like this? Men are perfectly capable of sorting themselves out, just as he’s managed to do by screwing OP out of her share in their house. She owes him nothing.

Why do you think women owe it to men to give them everything on a plate?

I'm so sorry OP.

It's incredibly common for men to cheat or have affairs when their partners are pregnant - infidelity spikes and it's because you're carrying a baby. As soon as you get back to yourself he'll probably fancy you again.

But it sounds like he's already made up his mind with this woman. If I was you I'd have a frank conversation about how there is a spike in men cheating and leaving their spouse when they're heavily pregnant - and why he wants to be that guy

So he needs nightly counselling from a woman he just met to deal with his ' fear' and depression? And with all her social care training in mental health it didn't occur to her to say ' please don't burden me with your problems. Go home to your fiance and then ring Mind/ 111/Ssmaritans/your GP?'
What a saint she is to put up with her new friend banging on about how depressed he is and how scared he is of being a dad. She's just doing you a favour!

I’m so sorry OP. Such a hard thing to read.

All men are scared to become fathers. I rarely did the deed with DH whilst pregnant as I threw up during and decided to not bother again!

Instead we spent our third trimester baby shopping, rearranging the nursery, him massaging my feet, brushing my hair, going out for dinner and going to the theatre (four times) as we knew we wouldn’t get the chance for at least the next year.

Do what you need to do to prioritise yourself and your baby.

I would be tempted to blurt out what he’s been up to at the next family meal. I mean, he’s got nothing to hide right? Also, have you reached out to his family to support him? Of course he doesn’t want that, he’d rather his new female friend.

Please, for the love of God, do not give the baby his surname. Don’t just hand it to him all on a plate.

My worry is, that all his drama will steal from you the very special joy of having your first born and bonding of the newborn phase.

I got to really enjoy mine because I had a supportive partner, although not wider family.

Go where the support is. This is a one time event. I know a lot of people talk about an instant bond with their baby but all of my very closest female friends said they needed time and space from others to build that bond with their baby. Baby is number 1!

With the birth certificate thing, not putting his name down means he'll not be able to make life difficult. It won't stop him seeing the baby in a way you're comfortable with but it will stop him kicking up a fuss if he becomes jealous if you fall in love and want to take baby abroad for a holiday.

If you're breastfeeding then honestly his desire to have contact without your presence can f off to be honest. This happened to a friend of mine, she'd been married for years, baby was well planned, he got scared and left. Everyone she knew put her under pressure to let his take the baby for days at a time and breastfeeding was ruined.

You'll find a lot of people go on about the man's need to bond and it is very important but prioritise your bond with your baby xxx

Edited to add, she started dating immediately and I can understand why. I felt it impacted her relationship with the baby too.

I'm so angry with your partner for causing you this stress at such a beautiful time of life xxx

For what it's worth, women definitely do lie about this (because they feel bad or want to work with the man to keep up the pretence)- I have had a women lie to me for ages and double down on the lie before I finally got into my partners phone and saw their messages.

I was pretty astounded that you only mentioned the other woman in the second paragraph of the OP. You don’t realise that your ‘fiancé’ is in a relationship with another woman? And that you’ve pretty much allowed that?? He spends every night from after work until 9pm with another woman??? Surely this post can’t be real. What’s even more astounding is that he comes home every night. Why bother at this point. Get yourself out of there OP.