Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

Definitely don't put useless, feckless men on BCs.

Exactly, unless married, he can’t go on the bc without being present.

I hope you get out asap, untangle any finances, stop putting any money into the house/joint accounts etc. Go back to your family. This arsehole is taking the piss, big time.

He is taking the piss entirely

To be fair OP hasn’t mentioned if he doesn’t want to register the birth together unless I’ve missed it. If he’s saying hes not interested in registering then fair enough, just leave him off. But most people are saying the leave him off thing out of spite. Even if the father fights for access/contact, it will take a long time and he - and the child- will miss the early bonding. It seems a mean thing to deprive the child of. Why do people always say “you’re too invested” just because you’re going against the grain. If someone has reached out on a public forum it’s natural to reply. No, I didn’t get left off a BC, I am a woman. I know a man who did get left off, in his case it was the correct decision as he was a dangerous driver and couldn’t stop drinking.

his cheating/ wannabe cheating makes him a twat and a crap partner but nothing to do with how good or bad a father he will be.

He would have missed the early bonding anyway because he has already said he wanted her to move 2 hours away but realised kicking her out at 36 weeks was maybe just a little too much.

He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away)

Surely it’s unfair on a child to encourage him/her to bond with a father who has abandoned mother and child before the birth? And who shows no signs of being a reliable parent?

Patental responsibility is meant to be taking responsibility for the child’s welfare, because that’s what parents are meant to do. It’s not meant as a gift for absentee parents to enjoy the company of their child when they feel like it.

If he has chosen not to be there doing the daily shit work, sharing the sleepless nights etc, being part of that child’s everyday life, he’s no more to that child than, say, an uncle or a family friend. He should not have any rights over the child. It’s the child’s rights that matter.

So I've had a chat with the girl, she had wanted to speak with me. She has said there are absolutely no feelings there between them and that he's been confiding her her that he's quite scared of becoming a dad and he's having a hard time dealing with how life is going to change. She said all he does is talk about me and the baby and she has told him to tell me about how he's feeling but he said her didn't want to bother me with everything else we have going on.

She lives with her parents and has absolutely no want to come between the two of us and says that she thinks he would benefit from having someone else to talk to. She's even said to him maybe talking to the GP would be beneficial since she thinks he is really struggling with some depression and having someone other than me telling him he might think it would be worth it.

Since the call I've spoken with my fiancé and although he's not wanting to go on any medication or go to the GP he did say he would be happy to try counselling of some sort or talking to someone to see if that helps how he feels.

I'm not being nieve but the girl he was talking to working in social care, and she deals with mental health as her job so I guess it's one of those things that's just a happy coincidence that she was able to at least help him work through some feelings to know he's not okay and needs help. He also has no further plans to see her and has a councillor booked for the end of next week. The girl was really lovely and when I spoke with her I didn't get any bad/sneaky vibes from her. She had even said she'd be happy to meet for a coffee if I was up for it because she says when he talks about us and our family we're going to have she can see the love he has for us but he's just struggling to cope with some things right now.

I guess we need to work on our communication too, as that's fallen by the wayside given everything else that's going on but when I asked about possibly going to couples therapy he also said he would be open to that too if it was something I wanted to do.

I guess if he was having a full blown affair 1. The girl wouldn't have been willing to talk to me and 2. He wouldn't be willing to go to councelling/seek some sort of help. I know many of you ladies will disagree but I actually think that both conversations leave me feeling a little more settled. Mostly because I do believe her, and given when I said to him I thought his behaviour after work was odd, there's no more plans to see her and also the fact he is willing to talk to someone when that is most definitely not something I think he would ever have considered before.

I know most of you will think I'm a complete idiot but as for now, with baby due so soon and not being feesible to move in with my parents I feel a little more settled with the situation moving forward. 💕

She’s not lovely at all. She’s out with someone else’s partner every night.

i would not trust a word she says either - she is not going to admit an affair to you

To those saying he's still a father. Can you bear in mind that before his baby has even been born he's potentially jeopardising it's final growth phase. This must have caused OP a great amount of stress, i.e. not good for the baby. He can't even keep it in his pants a bit longer and is instead thinking only of carving out the best narrative for himself, stress on the baby's development be damned.

@DogMamma2024 You do what you feel is best for you at this time. If things work out then great, I'm sure we are all routing for you. If not, you know where we are ❤

Hmm, I'd still move to your parents, OP. It's his house and he could kick you out anytime.

Perhaps he isn't having an affair and it's good that he's having counselling - but I'd put yourself and the baby in a more stable situation.

Believe me, life changes hugely with a newborn and if he's not coping well now, he'll probably be worse when you're home with the baby.

He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

I'd tell him that you hadn't planned on being a single mother and aren't interested in that so he's welcome to take a break to prepare for the birth but that he can be the best dad he can be on his own and you will be delivering the baby to him for him to look after as soon as it's born.

See how he feels about that.

not suggesting you actually do this by the way but just let him think it's your plan and see him realise what happens when you become an adult with adult responsibilities.

He sounds like an utter arse and I'm sorry you have chosen this man to get pregnant with.

Oh so he's scared of being a dad? So his first idea is to fuck off and put the emotional load on a woman he barely knows? Jesus fucking Christ. Men are utterly bloody useless.

What a twat.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

💯

He hasn’t chosen it though has he? OP hasn’t had the baby yet. He has (likely) cheated on his partner IMO. But as OP hasn’t said anything about his fathering skills bar that he has asked how baby is and is attending appointments. So he does seem to care about baby despite his awful behaviour.

“If he has chosen not to be there doing the daily shit work, sharing the sleepless nights etc, being part of that child’s everyday life, he’s no more to that child than, say, an uncle or a family friend. He should not have any rights over the child. It’s the child’s rights that matter.”

this makes zero sense, as OP hasn’t had the baby yet.

Wishing you the best of luck, OP. It's hard to see why depression and anxiety about parenthood leads him to shower, change and go out with another woman every single evening. Maybe it has been an emotional affair rather than a physical one, but it's still a betrayal of his relationship with you and neither of them sees to realise that. Counselling could help but do tread carefully and put your and your child's need first. x

oh bollocks !!!

My dd has a qualification in Health and Social care, and no way on this earth is she qualified in mental health...

( she also has further and higher qualifications in another area )

I posted earlier and said I expect it’s an emotional affair. What I expect is happening is he fancies her but she doesn’t fancy him. She’s happy for the attention though because her self esteem is on the floor following what happened with her fiancé. That’s why he wasn’t hiding it, there was nothing to hide. But, take my word for it please, he would have had an affair with her if he could have! She knows this too, it’s why she was quick to reassure you, she feels a bit shitty for her part and wanted to feel better about herself.

You won’t leave now and I understand why. But keep your wits about you and try to secure you future financially. He WILL cheat/leave one day. I’m so sorry.

I'm sure everyone is lovely but they are still behaving badly.

Just to answer you about deletion, you have a certain amount of time after posting to edit what you've written, although readers can click on the word Edited and see what was written originally. After that window closes your only option is to report your post to MNHQ and ask that they withdraw the post for you citing whatever reason. It's quite likely they will do that for you, but not a given.

I'm so sorry @DogMamma2024 . What a dick.

(Can't believe there is another candidate for Wanker of the Year 2024 - there are several threads running in this vein where it's hard to imagine these men exist in real life and yet they do and so many women have experienced it.)

I completely agree with this

and even if everything were completely innocent, he’s being a shit partner and shit dad by leaving you every night regardless. My DH couldn’t do enough for me when I was pregnant, especially during the last few weeks.

Whatever The reason, his behaviour is shitty and I’d not be considering marriage with him

I agree and with others who have been more forthright.

@DogMamma2024 you sound as though you've been convinced.

As lovely and helpful as this other woman may be to your partner, if she's so kind and schooled in social care and mental health, I'm sure she'd have been much more mindful of you in this messy situation and of any part she was playing in your feelings.

I can only wish you the very best of luck.