Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

I think he is gently trying to end your relationship but trying not to make it his fault. Trying to get you to stay 2 hours away, now “friends” with the newly single female. You’re pregnant with his baby I would be making my plan out of there. Where is his respect for you? I’m sorry but I don’t think he is the person you thought he was.

Who knows what his relationship with the other woman is, or what it will become. You can only do you.

In your shoes, I would protect myself as much as possible. In my opinion, that would be moving back to your parents or another home close to your support network before the baby is born. Once the baby is born, he will have a say in where it is raised, and the courts prefer to maintain the status quo. Set that status quo up as it suits you, right from the start.

Is the house you live in his, yours or jointly owned? If it is yours, make him leave. If it is his, then nothing to be done. If it is joint, you can deal with a sale if needed from the support of your own family area.

It will feel like a massive upheaval to move house, change midwife, change hospital plans etc, but if this goes the way it is looking like it will, it will be a whole lot harder to do it when the baby is here.

Of course it might all be a storm in a teacup. If that turns out to be the case, you can always move back in 6/12 months when you feel more secure in the relationship. Personally, I wouldn't get over the fact he's entertaining someone else while he should be at home with you making plans, cooking food, decluttering, vegging out with you for company etc. He is behaving like a weasel.

We own the house but it's in his name which is fine as I couldn't afford it myslef and a I know he'd struggle to keep it without my contribution.

Massive eek.

It sounds like you are in a good position to go it alone with the baby.

he doesn’t have the backbone to split up with you but that is definitely what he wants. He has said he wants you to move out and he has basically got a new girlfriend. Get rid of him, do it on your own terms. If you don’t he is going to wait until things get messy or come to a big argument… why put yourself through that.

(what a wuss though! Him I mean)

You don’t own the house - he does and as you are t yet married you have no righys

i would leave now and go to your oarents and leave him to it

Your relationship isn't dwindling, it's over. He has the next partner lined up already.

Now, what are you going to do about it? What do you want for you and your baby, and how are you going to organise it? That's the only thing you should be thinking about now.

Agree with pp - it's over, and you need to leave. Go to your parents while you're on mat leave, end any connection with this wanker, don't put him on the birth cert. You deserve so much better.

he'd struggle to keep it without my contribution.

Well there you have it. This will be a huge factor in "having a break" while keeping you around (and living him will mean he won't pay child support) while he has an affair in plain sight. I'm so sorry OP. He's a nasty, cruel, selfish little prick. Go to your parents as soon as you can, don't put him on the birth certificate, and apply for CMS at the earliest opportunity.

It's over op.

Don't bother having the conversation - he's shown you who he is through his recent behavior.

Go back to your parents ASAP.

We own the house but it's in his name

^

As pp's said, he owns the house. At the minute, you're just keeping it clean and tidy for him.

Whilst he takes other women out.

Yes please do leave asap: he wants to keep you there to help him pay the mortgage, and he’s scared that he will look like a bastard to his friends and family if he does actually dump you - which he has in effect already done. What a coward to not even let you give him back his ring.
You sound like an awesome strong women - and he is a pathetic worm. Worse he is a sneaky mfer and I would not trust him or his ‘friend’. Get back to some support systems without him and make your own way.

I'm so sorry its just shit for you .I would phone your parents see if you can move home and let your midwifes sort out you moving health care wise.
Just focus if you can on you and the baby and take one day at a time .
I'm not sure I would have the strength to deal with him just now thh but you know what he will be fine they always are .
Good luck

I assumed when the OP said we own the house what she was saying is that it is owned, not rented. She's clear that her name isn't on the deeds or mortgage I think.

Why should he have to fight to see his child / jump through hoops which will take ages for parental responsibility? his cheating is irrelevant to him helping look after the child and legally being a father. He’s a shite partner, agreed, but this has no bearings on whether he will be a shite father. Whoever suggested leaving him off it is just saying it out of spite.My dad cheated on my mum but has always been a great father to me and my sibling.

someone should only be left off birth certificate if they are a danger to the child, dangerous and abusive/ partake in criminal behaviour, OR the mum doesn’t know who the father is.

while hes (likely) a cheat going by OP and she should get rid, it seems just petty and out of spite and bitterness to leave him off the certificate, meaning it will take a long time for him to fight for access to his child. He will miss out on all the early bonding experiences. This is cruel to deny the child of this. Also no doubt the child will find out as they get older that dad was left off the birth certificate.

you might say oh yeah he cheated so he deserves to be left out from bonding with his son right away, this doesn’t correlate at all. His cheating isn’t relevant to being a father. A child and a birth certificate is not a bargaining chip.

cheating partner does not always equal bad father. OP should give him the chance to prove himself to help look after the child and do his bit!

This guy sounds like an arsehole, and I agree with others, get rid. But leaving him off the BC like others are suggesting is a terrible decision.

Good luck, OP.

Don't delay. As others have said, get yourself moved back to your parents before the baby comes. Don't put him on the birth certificate. Tell him that you expect your contributions to the house to be returned. Just focus on yourself and the baby.

Out of curiosity what are your ages?

You cannot change the locks on someone else’s house! That’s very bad advice.

the bit that stands out to me is SHE HAS NO INTEREST IN A RELATIONSHIP….. so basically he’s keeping his options open with you because at the very least he’s having and emotional affair (probably also physical) that she doesn’t want to progress further.
He doesn’t want to be the bad guy breaking up with his pregnant girlfriend. Get support in place for yourself because he’s already checked out. Take care of you and baby. Remember aswell that the relationship you’re in is what your child will know as normal do you want them to see you being treated like this?
Sorry you’re going through this xx

Please can people stop telling the OP to change the locks or chuck him out!
He solely owns the property. You are encouraging her to carry out an act which could be detrimental.
It doesn't matter what you think should happen MORALLY, it the actual LEGAL situation that matters.
Sorry to repeat myself but this sort of advice is unhelpful

You’re absolutely right! I apologise! That was my indignation speaking. I was wrong about acknowledging him as the baby’s father too! In actual fact, my whole reply is a total mess but I can’t seem to be able to delete it! Anybody know how?
I’m going in the garden to eat worms now!!

Holy shit the amount of people saying take him off the birth certificate.

this should only be done if the man is dangerous and violent, has a heavy criminal history, or is seriously abusive. Or if the mum doesn’t know who the dad is.

the guy is disgusting and a cheat but unless OP is drip feeding he is not dangerous.
It’s awful but I also personally would not describe it as domestic abusive/ coercive control.

hate when people use a child and BC as a bargaining chip

When I had my dd, her father had to be there with me to get himself on the birth certificate. (I had to point this out to make him actually have any interest in coming with me to register the birth 🙄). So if this man wants his partner to have their baby far away from him, he might have to accept that she registers the birth and he’s not on the certificate. It’s not spiteful, it’s logistics.
Or he could pull his finger out and get himself there at her convenience to go to the registry office. Could be up to him, couldn’t it.

You're handling this very sensibly, OP. Given that it's his house, moving back to your parents now is the best idea so you can get ready there for the baby's arrival. Just focus on doing what's best for you and your baby, because he's shown that he's not reliable.

You seem strangly very invested in this. Did you get left off a BC at some point?

If the father to be really wants PR then he can apply to court for it, it's very easy to do. In fact it would probably be the easiest route rather than having to go with OP to register the baby together. And unless she's going to marry that guy, or another with the exact same surname, she should give the baby her surname. After all, children traditionally take their mother's name.