Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

Move to be with your family before the baby is born so you don't get stuck having to live by him.

I feel so angry about this turd of a man today.

Good to read your update @DogMamma2024

In the chat you have, play your cards very close to your chest. As PP have said, once DC is born he will likely try and make you stay in the area. Make him do a lot of talking to expose himself as the arsehole he is. Grey rock will be your friend.

Also absolutely give baby your surname so they grow up with a mum and maternal grandparents with the same name. Not feeling like they belong to another family 2h away. But don’t tell him any of this. He’ll lie and make you stay and then it will be too late. Without being too dramatic he is the enemy for now and this is going to be a battle of wits, you’re playing catch up, and you need to take the power back without him realising just yet. Silences are very golden in these conversations.

You could hire a car. I’ve always found Eurocar efficient. Also we have a local taxi that does longer haul runs at a good rate. Worth checking if you have one too. If you’re in the NW area, I’ll happily drive you away from this POS.

💐

You need to give him an ultimatum and mean it. When I was in my third trimester with our first baby my DH was also going through a very stressful time (dad and sister both had cancer, his dad’s was terminal and he died before he got to meet his grandchild).

i found it very hard as he was withdrawn and not excited about the baby being born. However, he dealt with it by being withdrawn and sad, not starting a new relationship. You and your baby deserve better.

If I were you I’d call my mum and go and stay there. Transfer to a hospital in that area, let your family support you, you will need real support, not half hearted unreliable support! It might be the shock he needs to sort himself out, it might not, but either way you and your baby will have support from your family.

Wishing you the best.

He is treating you as a human incubator not a human. Leave him. On the plus side, three years isn’t that much time wasted, and I’m sure you have some good memories.
Also take that ring back, sell it and buy yourself something nice. I also think you should maybe stay with family providing they are supportive. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

You still can’t deny them parental rights on the off chance they abuse it when it’s so unlikely. Imagine if a man did that to a woman there would be uproar.

You sound as though you have your "head screwed on" OP and I feel you maybe reached out to MN because you were unsure about his behaviour coinciding with his "new friend" at this vulnerable time. Maybe you weren't expecting 100% (?) of replies telling you that he is being unfaithful (which is not nice to learn/get confirmed) but at least you can make future plans having received advice. I am sorry that this has happened to you and I wish you and your baby the very, very best. 💐

When she is stuck there, not able to go home without his say so? Madness.

These are the things I wanted to say to you @DogMamma2024

And to people who sound like they're putting the partner's parental rights front and foremost, I say, along with rights come responsibilities. Responsibilities towards the mother as well as the child. If he wants those rights he can work for them. He could very well walk away and you may never see him again, so why should your child bear his name? He's not proving trustworthy as it is, let alone along the line.

This is a man I would never trust again and I would be more than happy to remove myself from the stress of the neighbour.

You sound more than capable of having this baby alone and forging a new life for yourselves. Hopefully as you work from home, location won't be too much of an issue when you return to work after maternity leave. Being amongst family sounds infinitely preferable to cohabiting with a disengaged 'partner' who spends most evenings absenting himself and talking about you behind your back to his new 'friend'.

Stop paying the mortgage. It's not your house. It sounds like you have no claim at all on it. (Correct us if that's wrong)

Rent a man and a van. Move back home well before the baby comes.

You're being shafted.

I'm so sorry. He is a twat.

You didn't say if the pregnancy was planned? Your relationship has changed vastly, its common for couples to struggle when their partner is pregnant as the centre of your universe and lifestyle shifts and if there are added pressures, that will not help. How far along are you?

Living an alternative existence after work with a single woman, choosing time with her over the only relaxing time you could have together, its not a rational choice for a positive outcome. Being house mates as opposed to life mates, is not going to help him resolve it. And the babies arrival, as you quite rightly hinted, will test even the most committed of parents but will also bring you moments of absolute joy and unity.

However if a main part of the problem is where you live and that is part of his reluctance to come home as he no longer perceives it as a safe haven....consider moving?

I don't think his "female friend" is necessarily anything but a friend but the issues here is that he is actively choosing to spend relaxing time out of the house with her and not you, leaving you lonely and worried I'm not saying he can't have a night out with his friend, but it sounds to me like he sees that as his escape. Your relationship is unlikely to heal like this.

He is being honest with you from the sound of it, and he is talking to some extent. But loving you is different to being IN love with you. Start dating each other again, make a fuss of each other, do things together - if this doesn't work, consider some time apart. But don't give up too easily, you need to sort this out for baby.....be that splitting or hopefully staying together. Stay strong!

This!! He’s going out every night to have an affair whilst you prepare for the baby. If you put him on the birth certificate, he can cause incessant difficulty for you forever more. He can still see his child and have a relationship with them, but NOT on the birth certificate.

So sorry- but you need to toughen up- NOW.
He is taking you for an absolute fool. Why are you allowing this?

The reason he wanted you to move out was so he could have his new girlfriend staying over.

He feels guilt about his behaviour that’s why he is lying to you.

Tell him to leave.

He won’t be on his own this weekend.
He will have her in your home.

absolutely.
Nail on head

I'm.glad to see your update too OP. I can just imagine what he says to her when he's ' talking about you and the baby'. His loss when his new ' friend' is stuck with him full time. Good luck, and do what everyone else has said. Don't give the baby his name and move in with your parents.

If he solely owns the property, legally, she can't ask him to leave. Please can people stop making suggestions that really aren't legally possible. If the mortgage and deeds are in his sole name then he could ask her to go, so this sort of statement /advice really isn't helpful. If she has contributed then it would be a matter for the courts to work out and that means correct legal advice from a solicitor. No one here knows enough to suggest what might happen, I would however say that the OP trying to 'chuck him out', might well result in the situation, which is already awful, becoming even worse.
I have every sympathy for the OP, BTW, it's a rubbish situation, what she doesn't need is to be encouraged to make it worse on a practical level.

No one is denying his rights, OP just won’t be handing them to him and he’ll have to sort them himself. But god forbid a prick of a man has to put any work into being a parent, right?

This sums it up perfectly.

I’m so sorry OP. What a horrible situation to be in. Just look to the future and don’t think about this total waste of space more than you have to. And enjoy being a mum to your little one ❤️

Sort this out now before baby comes. After you will not be in the headspace to deal with it at all and will settle with him thinking you can play happy families. The answer is no this is not OK, this is not normal, and certainly he doesn't get to spend every night with ' friend' with you waiting in the wings as the back up. Gather your last remaining self respect and start treating it as a finished relationship. Finances seperate. Seperate living. Everything.

He’s an arsehole. He’s cheating, or wants to, or at the very least is checking out of reality each evening, whilst leaving his heavily pregnant fiancé at home alone, rather than dealing with his issues.

Move back to where your family is now, before you get stuck there. Having your family around for support will make a huge difference for you during this time. Don’t put him on the birth certificate and give baby your surname.

I meant to mention the house in my previous post. It isn't clear from what @DogMamma2024 has said when the property was purchased and how it all came about, or, how her financial contributions have been made. I kind of got the idea she was prepared to write off what she's paid as fair living expenses over the period she's been there. This may not be the case, but the house didn't sound like a top concern. Obviously if warranted, professional advice is the way forward on that topic.

With regard to moving back to her family area, once the baby is born she will be able to seek out other new mothers and forge some new friendships and support with people who are in exactly the same boat with a new baby. That kind of situation really helps you to settle. It'd be far better than living with a co-parent who's totally absent mentally and absent physically more often than not.

I'm sorry OP as I expect this isn't what you would have wanted when you are expecting.

As with PPs, he won't want everyone to always think he is a loathsome excuse for a man by leaving you when you are due hence the excuses.

If there is the slightest chance of him being the partner you thought he was then you won't want to be seen to end it.

The house being only in his name when you are contributing when you are pregnant is a massive 'red flag' regarding his longstanding plans.

You need to look after yourself and your baby which will probably be moving with your parents and havingyour baby with family support from people who love you.

You can have a 'make a decision and commit to it' conversation with him regarding him committing wholeheartedly to you and ending this unbelievable scenario with the woman he spruces himself for. Given his behaviour then you having an explicitly legally recognised share in the property given the forthcoming birth and effects there'll be from child care on your career would be a part of the minimum. If he doesn't get a grip then you probably know what follows (and that would be him not having his name on the birth certificate, you progressing a claim for recompense for your payments for the property, child support payments and everyone recognising what a vile excuse of a man he is.

Good luck.

This with bells on.
Don't let him.
He's all about reputational management.

I bet he's told no one about his affair, but will say later that you dumped him after the baby was born. "Boo Hoo, pity me"

As many have said, and as your post indicates that you have support from family and friends, get as much of that as possible. Was he intending to be your birth partner and do you still feel you'd be able to relax with him around? Or is he just in that for the instagrammable moment? If you don't want him there, make sure you change your next of kin officially with midwife and gp. And appoint someone you trust, like your mum or a good friend. I'd even go as far as to appoint an official guardian for the baby if you felt it necessary.

I'd also be extremely cautious about going along with him in person to "tell his parents" making it look like this is a mutual decision and he's being a cool and considerate guy. What is he going to be telling them? The same crap about needing space from you to find the man you fell in love with?

You could end up being gaslighted by him as he portrays himself as the stressed Martyr who is nobly giving you "space" every evening. You could find yourself browbeaten by both sides, when you are pregnant, emotional and vulnerable. Furthermore you are risking another set of people "Oh but we are the grandparents" weighing in with their opinions on what you should do - at a time when its difficult to focus on more than the impending birth.

You should be free to decide what YOU want to do, the best thing for YOU and your newborn without being swayed by other people's wants.

Don't let him put you through that. Inform his parents of the situation when you've made your own decisions about what you want to do. It may be that they are kind, considerate and supportive people, which would be great, but only you know them and what position they might take.

Regarding the birth cert. Not having his name on it gives you protection from the antics of someone who has proved they can't be trusted and is concerned about how they appear to others. It doesn't mean that you would stop him having contact with the child as some have suggested. If he shows a willingness to be part of their lives in a meaningful way, you don't sound like the kind of person who would prevent that. But protect yourself in the first instance. He can apply via the courts if he's that bothered.

I'm so sorry you have to go through something like this just before a birth, I hope that you will have time on your maternity leave to sort out what you want to do that is best for you. In many ways, you will be able to start a new life with your lovely baby without all this drama and heartache dragging you back down again. Wishing you all the best.

Before you move out make sure you get copies of any financial information for him you can find for CMS claim. If you have any beneficial interest in his property get that evidence together. Sorry he is an arsehole, at least you have seen it before the sleepless nights kick in and have time to get sorted. Take all the baby stuff witg you aswell incase he gets funny later on.

Just read the update. I hope you are heading home and have a safe delivery. It sounds like he just isn’t brave enough snd loving enough. He cracked under a little pressure and went to suck his thumb (as it were) with someone else three hours a night.

You deserve a passionately committed lover and husband. Don’t ever settle.