PLEASE HELP ME

[exhaustedmum24]

My ex is refusing to return our child like normal tomorrow!! Saying he ain't bringing her back and that she now lives with him.

What do I do? Who do I call? 😩😩😩😩 someone help me please.

He's on the birth certificate and he has parental responsibility....... my mind is going mental!!

Not really I'm afraid, depending on how long it lasts. I'd concentrate more on the things he's known to have said about you to her brothers, his history of violence, police call outs. Does he care for her properly when he has her, even if different parenting st yles? Is she fed, nappies changed, slept, safe?

Well I have incident numbers from a few calls out from before, I have been in touch with woman's aid before too soo I could email them and pull up the conversation, I had family solutions involved a couple years ago because of my eldest and his ADHD and behavioural problems and I also mentioned some of this to them I could ask them to email me this too, I have text messages off the threats and the manipulation.

I believe he is good with our daughter I don't have concerns in regard to him with her. It was with my other children that was an issue. I have video evidence of him slating me constantly to the middle person when he's picked her up and dropped her off he also says on the video call about taking her and not bringing her back a couple of times too.

If he is good with your daughter as you say, and you didn’t want to keep her in the first place, and you have your hands full with your older children with some additional needs, why don’t you want a more even split like 50:50? I wonder whether he is behaving this way partly because he really does want to have more of a relationship with his daughter. It doesn’t make his behaviour okay but you’re also not giving him much of an opportunity to bond with his daughter with the current level of contact.

Because when she eventually goes nursery next year when she is two and I start a full time job it's going to be hard work for him too get her as he works 7.2.30pm plus at the moment I'm having to do two school runs, I'm not available from 2.40-3.30 he wants to get her after work on a Thursday I'm not about he won't come to an agreement and I'm not just going to bow down to him and his demands when I have other children to consider here they have appointments school and after school clubs. What do I do just say sorry boys you can't do this and that because your sisters dad wants her and we have to wait around for him to finish work when he finishes at half 2 he goes home and gets dressed and whatever too I've asked h I'm numerous times to just grab her straight after again he refuses. It's all about him and what he wants. What I'm struggling with is not having anytime for me, being able to decorate my new home I've recently moved in too, being able too go and have a coffee with a friend or go out for a drink in the evening or even being able to go on bank to work a couple shifts a month to experience life outside of the 'mum robotic life' because she's making it impossible and being awkward and spiteful towards me about it. He can't have 50/50 as he says to me he works he needs to work. I have suggested this too him but again it's about his life, his work and what he wants to do when he wants too.

You sound quite difficult op

And you need to put her first

You both need to accept that you can't just have everything your own way. He works so is limited to when he can have her. You have other kids so are limited to when you're available for drop off and pick ups. Something's got to give. You're both going to have to make sacrifices and adjustments and behave like adults for the benefit of this little girl.

As much as he's behaving like an asshole you seem to be of the belief that his contact should work around you and your other children. With all due respect, your other children are not his concern so he's not going to care about the impact on your other children or whether they have an activity that day. You can't say he's being unreasonable to want contact that works around his schedule when you expect the same. You're both being unreasonable and this little girl is stuck on the middle.

Keep the money you're saving by not being able to go for those coffees and drinks and apply to court to get a CAO in place ASAP.

I'm not being unreasonable, I have done this for months to suit him and arrange it all round his life, it's not working for me and I have said this I have tried to have this chat with him before on many occasions but he just won't give it's either his way or the high way, I'm sorry but not anymore. She's with me majority of the time and I also have other children which he knows, if he wanted a child with someone who was able to allow him too do what he says when he says without other children and life's involved then he shouldn't of guilt tripped me into keeping her also knowing I wasn't 100% there's a lot of things you do not know too and I won't disclose on here. Soo for you to say I'm being unreasonable I won't accept. I made arrangements for him to collect her elsewhere so he could still see her and I never ever stopped him seeing her never have and I wouldn't ever do that I'm not that kind of woman. I will not allow a man to control me and use our child to do soo I've done this long enough and I've been fair.

I have done by allowing constant contact considering the constant threats and abuse and the slating of my name. If I was being difficult I would have stopped contact full stop and I haven't because I know our daughter needs to see her father.

I could be extremely difficult and just stop all access but that's not what I want to do, considering the bloke has constantly the last three weeks slated me, told people he's just not going to return her, threaten this to me through message and had said if I do go court to sort this out that he will go for full custody to cause me more stress and agg and knowing it will affect my mental health I think I'm actually being very fair and the complete opposite of 'difficult'

So he ended up returning her at 10 too 5 this evening, he was as usually abrupt and told me to tell my eldest to shut the fuck up, when my eldest spoke to me, he come to my address again when I've told him not too, he was telling me if he was going to smash the middle persons teeth in next time he sees them as apparently they was rude when they wasn't and I've seen proof, he also said if he gives me her today and I stop access next time he is meant to get her there will be a shit show 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ sooo yeah to the other users saying I'm being difficult and shit..... really??????????????????

So if you won't let him at your address to return her then how did you think you would get her back???

There's no 'middle person' whatever that is. And what did the police say when you rang them about his threats?

They advised me to block him and get a middle person, so I did. He's the one who's sabotaged this by being late, being early, starting rows with them. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Middle person is so he don't come to my address, so he don't start rows and make me feel shit everytime he comes round to collect her, so he doesn't threaten to beat my child up. Middle person is someone I hand her over too that we both trust and then I leave then he collects within 5 mins to 10 mins and leaves soo he can still have contact with his child. Soo I don't have to deal with him and he don't come to my home and unsettle my other children. I give hand over to the middle person they relay the info to him when he collects. Then vice versa the next day with him,

So glad he brought her back for you, I’ve not read all your updates but I just wanted you to know you are not alone my ex was exactly like this, all the threats he assaulted me twice and my mum once on the drop off’s (I didn’t allow him at my house) but since the assaults we will only meet him at a petrol garage now where there is cctv, try and find someone else to help you or make sure you go but make sure there is cctv and lots of cameras about. I stopped doing the hand overs about 18months ago as my eldest son who is now 21 started screaming in my face and shoving me into my car (I’m estranged from him and have been since he was 11, my ex done a good job on him and alienated him from my whole family) but since I’ve not done the handovers with our youngest who has just turned 14 it has dwindled out, he don’t have that power over me anymore and so has no use for our younger son he just don’t bother with him anymore, sorry I’m rambling I just wanted you to know I’ve been where you are, I know you are not being difficult like others have said, it is so hard having to deal with these arsehole men. Keep being strong and stand firm make arrangements to meet him yourself (if you have to) but do it where it is always busy and cameras everywhere xx

It's actually really unfair when the police and as advise "find someone else to handle handovers," , many mum's do not have anyone close/strong/available enou ghost to do this, and it means the authorities can get away with doing nothing about the NRP's abusive behaviour.

I won't lie to you the police officer was not interested at all, I must of repeated myself 3 times on one occasion. He looked through a couple of messages that was about our daughter and said I just think he's a guy who wants to see his child I couldn't believe it! I said I've got a years worth of messages that says otherwise and he just was not bothered by it all, I think if I had a female officer I would have been taken more seriously. I have emailed updates and I've had no replies from him either I even have video footage of my ex from today that shows aggression and nasty behaviour but I know there is no point sending him it as I won't get a reply.

Oh hadn't seen your update, so glad she's back OP

You might want to consider applying for a Child Arrangements Order to specify plans as it seems this is unlikely to be the end of your difficulties. You can apply to waive the court fee at the same time you make the application using this form: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/apply-for-help-with-court-and-tribunal-fees

I’m really pleased DD is back home, safe and sound. Perhaps on the future, you should be more careful about the men who you introduce into your DCs’ lives. My heart breaks for your other DC to hear this guy talking about how DC needs to shut TF up and how he’s going to smash Granny’s teeth in.

Have you reported his behaviour Friday night to the police?

Yes I have. I had to go through another police officer because the one I had was not really good.