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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

PLEASE HELP ME

145 replies

exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 20:24

My ex is refusing to return our child like normal tomorrow!! Saying he ain't bringing her back and that she now lives with him.

What do I do? Who do I call? 😩😩😩😩 someone help me please.

He's on the birth certificate and he has parental responsibility....... my mind is going mental!!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
RisingSunn · 19/09/2024 22:13

TakeMeDancing · 19/09/2024 22:11

So you invited him into your home to live with your children, then subsequently had a baby with him, which ties you to him forever?

Show quote history

And how does this post help the situation?

ScabbyHorse · 19/09/2024 22:17

He's probably just trying to worry you. Get the upper hand by not letting him manipulate you. It's so scary but I don't think he will go through with it , he needs to work. Get legal advice and don't message him until you know where you stand

Rosieposy89 · 19/09/2024 22:18

Ring Coram/Child Law Advice

Mrsknowitall · 19/09/2024 22:19

please don’t beg him to bring her home he will be loving having the control over you do not get into any arguments with him over text as that is just feeding him turn it completely around, you say he don’t want you having a free weekend so guess what? It’s now the weekend let him know that actually he can keep dd with him as you have just had an offer to go out/away this weekend so it actually suits you now and you will make other arrangements to collect your dd when it suits you. Play him at his own game. I know what this is like I have been in your shoes and I wish I knew then what I knew now, it’s all about power and control, take it away from him and change the game xx

Ginflinger · 19/09/2024 22:20

If you've experienced domestic abuse, you might be able to get legal aid. Call civil legal advice: www.gov.uk/civil-legal-advice

GuestFeatu · 19/09/2024 22:25

Ifoughthefight · 19/09/2024 22:09

Yes but the baby was with you. This will be regarded by the authorities. He has a criminal past and I am sure they cannot just left your baby disappear into his home

Show quote history

Yes they can and they will. He has PR and hasn't committed a crime. That's not how it works.

Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 22:26

TakeMeDancing · 19/09/2024 22:11

So you invited him into your home to live with your children, then subsequently had a baby with him, which ties you to him forever?

Show quote history

I only found this out a year ago after she was born. When I fell pregnant that’s when he changed and showed his true colours, Someone said to me have you googled his name, so I did and found that article and was like WTF!

OP posts:
Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 22:28

Mrsknowitall · 19/09/2024 22:19

please don’t beg him to bring her home he will be loving having the control over you do not get into any arguments with him over text as that is just feeding him turn it completely around, you say he don’t want you having a free weekend so guess what? It’s now the weekend let him know that actually he can keep dd with him as you have just had an offer to go out/away this weekend so it actually suits you now and you will make other arrangements to collect your dd when it suits you. Play him at his own game. I know what this is like I have been in your shoes and I wish I knew then what I knew now, it’s all about power and control, take it away from him and change the game xx

your right! Maybe if I play it like this for this weekend he may think twice about doing it this way. It is literally about power and control and making me panic and worry knowing I won’t sleep ok this evening because of it and it being the only night this week I don’t have her too. 🙄

OP posts:
MsCactus · 19/09/2024 22:30

Mrsknowitall · 19/09/2024 22:19

please don’t beg him to bring her home he will be loving having the control over you do not get into any arguments with him over text as that is just feeding him turn it completely around, you say he don’t want you having a free weekend so guess what? It’s now the weekend let him know that actually he can keep dd with him as you have just had an offer to go out/away this weekend so it actually suits you now and you will make other arrangements to collect your dd when it suits you. Play him at his own game. I know what this is like I have been in your shoes and I wish I knew then what I knew now, it’s all about power and control, take it away from him and change the game xx

Imo this approach will lead to him dropping her back.

He wants to upset you - if he thinks you're having a fun, childfree weekend he'll give up holding DD over you and (hopefully) drop her back at yours

Alicenwonderland · 19/09/2024 22:35

I would ring children's services for advice first. He may have parental responsibility but the courts take into account usual contact patterns. She usually lives with you the majority of the time. If he has taken her and is refusing to bring her back that will look very bad for him. You have tried to continue with contact, that will go in your favour. You definitely need a court order. I would be wary of waiting for him to bring her back when he's fed up, he could be in it for the long game and you don't want him saying you weren't bothered to get her and were out having fun!

ItsTheGAGGGGGGGG · 19/09/2024 22:37

I’d just go and get her. What’s he going to do, call the police?

Tiredtrog · 19/09/2024 22:47

Sorry, wrong thred

Treesinmygarden · 19/09/2024 22:49

RisingSunn · 19/09/2024 22:13

And how does this post help the situation?

Show quote history

It doesn't help the OP but it's a salutory lesson to other mums considering letting men they barely know to live in their homes and procreating with them!

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/09/2024 22:52

Go to court - if you're on benefits then that sorts the money issue.

Emergency hearings happen in DAYS not months.

You can then get it sorted that he collects her from a contact centre so he doesn't come into contact with you/vice versa.

Mediation - the point of asking for mediation isn't always that both parties actually meet and sort things out. If you're willing, and he messes about either refusing outright, or agreeing and then not showing up, that paints him in a VERY bad light indeed and goes in your favour. So its worth doing whatever happens.

Until the court hearing can happen, just say 'yes dear, no of course I won't stop you seeing her, yes if you'd like an extra day or so thats fine'... just say what he wants to hear on that front.

DO not go and try to get her, yes he could call the police and the police will ask who has custody and is there a court order and there isn't one and he has PR so he CAN keep her. He would also be able to twist that and claim OP is being unreasonable or hysterical etc... or aggressive and scary. It will not just be a case of him handing the kid over and it will not be in the kids best interests.

However once you HAVE got a court order setting out custody and contact, then you're protected in the future.

notatinydancer · 19/09/2024 23:20

ItsTheGAGGGGGGGG · 19/09/2024 22:37

I’d just go and get her. What’s he going to do, call the police?

What if he won't answer the door?

PorridgeEater · 19/09/2024 23:47

"She's meant to be home tomorrow at 5 and he has said she's not coming home she will live with him from now on.”

He's playing you - so easy for him to say anything to worry you - I would not be surprised if he brings her home at 5.00 anyway and says he stuck to the arrangement. He can miss work for 1 day but as others have said he'll soon realise it's too much trouble to keep her full time.
Don't get into arguments with him - it's pointless, he'll just enjoy it. Stay as unemotional as possible and see if you can get some free legal advice. Obvs you need a written contact schedule that takes both parents' circumstances into account.
Given his history it's worth contacting SS with safeguarding concerns. Your circumstances would have to be very poor for him to get custody.

ThisCheekyPoster · 20/09/2024 02:04

Any update?

JanglyBeads · 20/09/2024 07:31

I hope the OP was able to have a proper night's sleep, ready for clear thinking today. Not "updating" MN at 2 in the morning!

Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 20/09/2024 07:32

JanglyBeads · 20/09/2024 07:31

I hope the OP was able to have a proper night's sleep, ready for clear thinking today. Not "updating" MN at 2 in the morning!

I didn't sleep too great. Plus got school runs this morning. 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 20/09/2024 07:35

PorridgeEater · 19/09/2024 23:47

"She's meant to be home tomorrow at 5 and he has said she's not coming home she will live with him from now on.”

He's playing you - so easy for him to say anything to worry you - I would not be surprised if he brings her home at 5.00 anyway and says he stuck to the arrangement. He can miss work for 1 day but as others have said he'll soon realise it's too much trouble to keep her full time.
Don't get into arguments with him - it's pointless, he'll just enjoy it. Stay as unemotional as possible and see if you can get some free legal advice. Obvs you need a written contact schedule that takes both parents' circumstances into account.
Given his history it's worth contacting SS with safeguarding concerns. Your circumstances would have to be very poor for him to get custody.

I'm going to apply this morning after the school run to the courts.

Just soo much stress and agg and all for no reason. This bloke is just another level of asshole.

OP posts:
Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 20/09/2024 07:37

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/09/2024 22:52

Go to court - if you're on benefits then that sorts the money issue.

Emergency hearings happen in DAYS not months.

You can then get it sorted that he collects her from a contact centre so he doesn't come into contact with you/vice versa.

Mediation - the point of asking for mediation isn't always that both parties actually meet and sort things out. If you're willing, and he messes about either refusing outright, or agreeing and then not showing up, that paints him in a VERY bad light indeed and goes in your favour. So its worth doing whatever happens.

Until the court hearing can happen, just say 'yes dear, no of course I won't stop you seeing her, yes if you'd like an extra day or so thats fine'... just say what he wants to hear on that front.

DO not go and try to get her, yes he could call the police and the police will ask who has custody and is there a court order and there isn't one and he has PR so he CAN keep her. He would also be able to twist that and claim OP is being unreasonable or hysterical etc... or aggressive and scary. It will not just be a case of him handing the kid over and it will not be in the kids best interests.

However once you HAVE got a court order setting out custody and contact, then you're protected in the future.

Courts is the way forward. This will keep happening for years and years because he can't help himself. Causing stress and agg for no reason.

I just hope the courts don't side with him and give him what he wants because that's what I fear, saying he can have her these days and that because he works. His work doesn't fit round me and my other children in regards to school runs etc it's all just a nightmare.

OP posts:
Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 20/09/2024 07:44

Treesinmygarden · 19/09/2024 22:49

It doesn't help the OP but it's a salutory lesson to other mums considering letting men they barely know to live in their homes and procreating with them!

Show quote history

He never lived with me, I had known him years before, he wasn’t just some stranger who I invited into my home. I also didn’t want another child, I ended up taking the morning after pill but it failed. I went to have a termination 4 times but he guilt tripped me and told me not to ‘kill his baby’ used to kiss my tummy when I was 6 weeks pregnant really poorly with her and say ‘awww our baby’ even though he knew I wasn’t 100% on going through with the pregnancy, he also lied to me and said he would support me and help me and I’ll be able to go back to work and start university as he would help no matter what, all lies and manipulation into getting his own way. I was pregnant, poorly and suffering with peri depression and my mind was all over the place. He used this to his advantage! So it’s not one of these stories where a woman doesn’t know the guy and then immediately moves him in and gets pregnant, he changed when I was 16 weeks pregnant he become a complete c* to put it bluntly. Sorry I’m not mystic Meg 👍🏻

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 20/09/2024 07:48

The courts and other authorities will want to work for a proper contact schedule of some kind, of other UNLESS there are safeguarding concerns.

AgileGreenSeal · 20/09/2024 07:49

Alicenwonderland · 19/09/2024 22:35

I would ring children's services for advice first. He may have parental responsibility but the courts take into account usual contact patterns. She usually lives with you the majority of the time. If he has taken her and is refusing to bring her back that will look very bad for him. You have tried to continue with contact, that will go in your favour. You definitely need a court order. I would be wary of waiting for him to bring her back when he's fed up, he could be in it for the long game and you don't want him saying you weren't bothered to get her and were out having fun!

“you don't want him saying you weren't bothered to get her and were out having fun!”

This, OP.

I would advise against trying to “play him at his own game” as has been suggested by various posters.

You need to be absolutely straightforward in your own behaviour and communications with him.

Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 20/09/2024 08:05

JanglyBeads · 20/09/2024 07:48

The courts and other authorities will want to work for a proper contact schedule of some kind, of other UNLESS there are safeguarding concerns.

Would they class him just not returning her as a safe guarding issue? Because that disturbing her, her routines and taking her away from her home and siblings?

OP posts: