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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

PLEASE HELP ME

145 replies

exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 20:24

My ex is refusing to return our child like normal tomorrow!! Saying he ain't bringing her back and that she now lives with him.

What do I do? Who do I call? 😩😩😩😩 someone help me please.

He's on the birth certificate and he has parental responsibility....... my mind is going mental!!

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Aposterhasnoname · 19/09/2024 21:08

Right, if he has a full time job this won’t last long, he’s just trying to punish you, so stop panicking. He can only “just not go in” for so long before he gets sacked.

Keep calm and follow the advice you’ve been given above. I was in this exact situation, but it was nearly forty years ago so my legal advice is out of date, but what’s not out of date is that these blokes almost always back down when realise what looking after a child full time actually means.

Hayley1256 · 19/09/2024 21:09

GuestFeatu · 19/09/2024 21:05

Yes, go to court, that's the advice

Show quote history

That's not the advice they gave me. They acted almost immediately and helped me. I'm not going into it on here but they are definitely worth a call

Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 21:10

ncforcatquestion · 19/09/2024 21:03

You'll need to just appeal to his better nature and tell him he won't stop seeing her whether you can get someone else in the middle or not

I think this is probably best for now so I can get her home.

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Hayley1256 · 19/09/2024 21:10

Also OP, see if you qualify for legal aid

Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 21:11

Aposterhasnoname · 19/09/2024 21:08

Right, if he has a full time job this won’t last long, he’s just trying to punish you, so stop panicking. He can only “just not go in” for so long before he gets sacked.

Keep calm and follow the advice you’ve been given above. I was in this exact situation, but it was nearly forty years ago so my legal advice is out of date, but what’s not out of date is that these blokes almost always back down when realise what looking after a child full time actually means.

I was told this too by my friend she said he wouldn't cope with having her full time and will reach out to me at some point because he won't be able to do it.

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Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 21:12

Hayley1256 · 19/09/2024 21:10

Also OP, see if you qualify for legal aid

I will ring them tomorrow about this. Mediation won't work as he won't come to an agreement and has threatened already that if it goes to court he will go for full custody 🤦🏼‍♀️

So it will end up in court but it just takes months for it to happen.

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GuestFeatu · 19/09/2024 21:15

exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 21:12

I will ring them tomorrow about this. Mediation won't work as he won't come to an agreement and has threatened already that if it goes to court he will go for full custody 🤦🏼‍♀️

So it will end up in court but it just takes months for it to happen.

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It doesn't take months if you apply for an emergency hearing

Illpickthatup · 19/09/2024 21:16

Would he be willing to go to mediation?

We had a similar situation with my DSD when she was 3. We had 50:50 custody and her mother decided to stop contact because she didn't get her own way with something. Didn't matter how much my DH pleaded with her she was hell bent on making him suffer. We contacted lawyers who were pretty hopeless. Took 9 days to send a letter and included incorrect information. In the end they ended up attending mediation where they hashed out the details of the parenting schedule and had a formal agreement drawn up. Schedule was previously only agreed verbally. We've had minimal issues since then and avoided court.

DH had suffered physical and psychological abuse at the hands of his ex for several years and she's very volatile although this has calmed down over the years. The mediator was really helpful in ensuring both parties got their say and she didn't just stamp her feet and scream over the top of him like she usually did.

This would also give your ex some reassurance that you won't stop access to this DD if he is genuinely concerned about that.

DWK123 · 19/09/2024 21:19

Unfortunately if your ex has parental responsibility and there's no court order there's not much you can do assuming there's no safeguarding concerns.

This is how a lot of Mom's stop Dad's seeing the kids. This place isn't usually up in arms about that though oddly.

Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 21:22

Illpickthatup · 19/09/2024 21:16

Would he be willing to go to mediation?

We had a similar situation with my DSD when she was 3. We had 50:50 custody and her mother decided to stop contact because she didn't get her own way with something. Didn't matter how much my DH pleaded with her she was hell bent on making him suffer. We contacted lawyers who were pretty hopeless. Took 9 days to send a letter and included incorrect information. In the end they ended up attending mediation where they hashed out the details of the parenting schedule and had a formal agreement drawn up. Schedule was previously only agreed verbally. We've had minimal issues since then and avoided court.

DH had suffered physical and psychological abuse at the hands of his ex for several years and she's very volatile although this has calmed down over the years. The mediator was really helpful in ensuring both parties got their say and she didn't just stamp her feet and scream over the top of him like she usually did.

This would also give your ex some reassurance that you won't stop access to this DD if he is genuinely concerned about that.

I said about mediation but he don't want to come to any agreement it has to be his way, what he wants and around his life and work. I can't do that I also have three other children who also have school, appointments etc but he just don't get it.

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Alwayschangingthings · 19/09/2024 21:24

Find anyone you can to be a one off middle person. Tell him you will get the other person to agree after a week off, anything to get her back. That you won’t stop contact. Get her back and then don’t let him.
Bit I agree with others after a few days he will ask you to take her back,

Illpickthatup · 19/09/2024 21:26

exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 21:22

I said about mediation but he don't want to come to any agreement it has to be his way, what he wants and around his life and work. I can't do that I also have three other children who also have school, appointments etc but he just don't get it.

Show quote history

Tell him you'd be happy to hear him out and try to come to some sort of agreement over mediation. You're open to be as flexible as possible but with the understanding that you have other kids to consider as well. As much as he can't just have things all his way to suit him you can't have everything your way either. You'll both need to come to some sort of compromise.

AGirlInACountrySong · 19/09/2024 21:27

Does he have a genuine point about him not liking the way your sons are around her?

JanglyBeads · 19/09/2024 21:28

There may be safeguarding concerns if he's saying things like that about the child's mother? Is HV involved at all?

Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 21:28

DWK123 · 19/09/2024 21:19

Unfortunately if your ex has parental responsibility and there's no court order there's not much you can do assuming there's no safeguarding concerns.

This is how a lot of Mom's stop Dad's seeing the kids. This place isn't usually up in arms about that though oddly.

The thing is it's not about me wanting to stop all contact because I don't agree with it she still needs her dad, and needs too see him I've explained this to him too, I'm not stopping him seeing her I never have but he wants everything his way all the time it has to suit his life, his work and has to be when he wants it the times he wants it and it's not fair on me or even the other kids. Mine and their life doesn't revolve around his. It's been like this for 17 months and he has known I'm not happy with the agreed arrangements and he said he will sort it and speak to management etc but never has he does things to spite me and punish me all the time. He threatens to keep her and not return her or if I go to court he says he will do everything in his power to get her fully when he don't get his own way. He constantly uses her as a weapon even did when I was pregnant with her. He lies and twists things and what I say and tries to manipulate what I say. He uses my mental health against me too. Everything I've ever confided in his about from when we was together he now uses it against me.

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Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 21:29

Alwayschangingthings · 19/09/2024 21:24

Find anyone you can to be a one off middle person. Tell him you will get the other person to agree after a week off, anything to get her back. That you won’t stop contact. Get her back and then don’t let him.
Bit I agree with others after a few days he will ask you to take her back,

I will do this I will see if my mum will agree too be just the one off.

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Alwayschangingthings · 19/09/2024 21:30

Tell him your mum has agreed to be the middle person, don’t tell him it’s a one off.

Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 21:32

AGirlInACountrySong · 19/09/2024 21:27

Does he have a genuine point about him not liking the way your sons are around her?

Nope. My sons love her they adore her. I spoke with SS about that and they said I have nothing to worry about it's just threats. It's because last year my eldest son broke my 11 year old sons arm by accident they was playing fighting and messing about and got too rough with each other and it happened. My eldest son was so remorseful he felt awful about it. Now he uses that against me saying that there's a safe guarding issue because of that one incident.

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Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 21:33

JanglyBeads · 19/09/2024 21:28

There may be safeguarding concerns if he's saying things like that about the child's mother? Is HV involved at all?

No health visitor isn't involved. Last time I heard from her was when baby turned 1.

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Original poster
exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 21:33

Alwayschangingthings · 19/09/2024 21:30

Tell him your mum has agreed to be the middle person, don’t tell him it’s a one off.

Ok I will do this.

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Coruscations · 19/09/2024 21:34

exhaustedmum24 · 19/09/2024 20:35

I don't have the money too and he knows this 😔

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You don't need money if you are making the application yourself. Citizens Advice or a Law Centre can help you with the forms.

thequeenoftarts · 19/09/2024 21:35

Ok so no court order in place, get your pal to do a once off special, she has changed her mind and is happy to continue hand overs as long as he can be on time. Get your child back and block his number, let him go to court. Also document with police that he tried to keep her from you