The Script: what would you add!

[JFDIYOLO]

A trending thread follows a very familiar pattern here, of a seemingly happy marriage to a good man suddenly imploding with a shock announcement / discovery.

The middle aged man's script, as her doctor put it.

A poster suggested printing a tick list to bring to discussions with the errant / cheating / lying husband, to take control of the situation and demonstrate clearly that you know what he's up to, that he's following a time worn script.

So here's my take - what would you add?

🟩I'm not happy, haven't been for a long time

🟩You've let yourself go

🟩You're not the girl I married

🟩You went off sex after having my baby / children

🟩Your body changed after having my baby / children

🟩You've let the house go, it's a tip

🟩We have nothing in common

🟩There's nobody else

🟩All you ever think about is the kids, they take all your time and attention

🟩You expect me to share housework and childcare when I want to cycle / play golf / go to football (add/delete as appropriate)

🟩No, I said there's nobody else

🟩You're making it up / imagining things / crazy

🟩You know what you're like

🟩We don't need a solicitor, we can do it ourselves

🟩Well, you stayed at home doing nothing (creating and nurturing x human beings and our home doesn't count) and I paid the mortgage so you're not entitled to the house, or anything really

🟩We only met recently. After you and I split up. Honest.

🟩You're not getting your hands on the house / my income / my savings / my pension.

🟩I'm having 50/50 with the kids, which I absolutely understand will entail me learning how to look after them and will step up and do it all, yes, definitely.

🟩She's crazy, look what I had to put up with.

🟩You know that 50/50 I was suddenly so insistent on, well I can't have the kids / do the school run / take them to their appointment after all because (insert and delete as appropriate).

🟩Is it too late for us, please can I come back? Her kids are doing my head in.

🟩 Why not? Why would you break up our family?

In case it helps anyone, based on 2 cheating husbands, here is my patented list of signs they are cheating:

Says he is suffering from a lot of work stress but won’t do anything about it
Suddenly needs to do a lot more travel for work, possibly including weekends
Suddenly got a lot of interesting conferences / client dinners to attend
Spending Sunday “working on a project” with a (female) colleague
Reluctance to commit to future plans, e.g. holidays, decorating, family visits
Seeming distant, distracted or non-committal about everything
Coldness
Reluctance to touch or touching in a different way (e.g. patting me on the back)
Things seem flat or off in a way you can’t quite pinpoint
Rushing to get through events together as quickly as possible
Going to the gym more/ buying new clothes
Suddenly takes phone everywhere (inc bathroom) and always leaves it face down - this is a conclusive sign IME
You meet a female colleague or friend of his and she behaves towards you in a really weird way

And this one is weird, but I have experienced it twice:
Suddenly starts telling everyone how marvellous you are in a very performative way (I’m not sure if it’s guilt or impression management)

My personal favourite -
"I didn't ask you to wash my underwear, I would prefer to wash it myself."
He wanted to wash only HIS of course, not put on a full load & include mine or the kids clothes.

Absolute arsehole.
Has got his wish now of course & I have often heard him tell the kids he needs some time to "do his laundry".
🙄

My ex h wanted to feel better about himself.

Because I had an ex I never saw, never spoke to but didn't hate.

If you had just dropped it and trusted me I wouldn’t of done anything.

Shes just really nice. (After having an affair with my ex partner of a year or more whilst I raised our young children)

I can never talk to you . It’s always about you you’re too self absorbed.

You should have just trusted me.

You pushed me too.

The condoms in the car were from the previous car owner it could have been anyone’s! (Went mental when I found them and left the home at the audacity of me questioning why there was condoms stored with his business receipts in his car)

You don’t clean enough.

all of a sudden goes to the gym and after ten years has desire to treat his fungal toe nail problem claiming he just wants to walk on the beach with the kids (it’s was because OW wanted him to get in her swimming pool )

Sleeping with his phone in his pocket.

She doesn’t want anything from me but you do.

It’s not all about looks ( him trying to justify leaving for a women twice our age (it was about her millions)

I just don’t get you.

Oh forgot

Ripping his dirty washing out of my hands when it was me that always did the washing.
( Was because his boxers were covered.. you get my drift)

Spraying twice as much aftershave on each morning. Sounds like nothing but that was one of the pennies dropping for me.

Ugh, that's a penny dropping moment for me all these years later - guess that's why me ex-dickhead didn't want me washing his smalls.
Doh! I thought he was just an ungrateful arse trying to make a point about how he didn't "need" me doing tasks about the house.

I've not been happy for years

I want to live my life

I'm depressed

We've never really had anything in common

It should have ended a long time ago

All brilliant, and the absolute point blank denial that it's anything at all to do with another woman. Even when caught out, that's still not the reason and he wanted to leave anyway as he was so unhappy...

Yup. My ex came up to me snatched the pile out of my hands I had taken from the floor from upstairs as I was about to put it in the washing machine. Something I’d done for ten years previously, whilst saying oh you’re cleaning are you. Was so bizarre and yes I went crazy enough after that I started looking at his boxers and at my lowest shown photos to my best friend who shown her partner who confirmed it was not normal residue..

The gaslighting really did do a number on me before he left I had actually bought a voice activated recorder that I was going to put in his car as that’s where he had his double life on the phone.

It was like being told the sky was purple for over a year of my life. God never again. Never had every cell in my body telling me someone was lying to me whilst they have nothing but anger and contempt for you calmly brining it up. The amount of times I heard am I not aloud friends and I have to build these work relationships.
Really at midnight you need to tell each other how much you mean to one another. 😂

One thing I’ve learned is some men can truly compartmentalise go through the motions with you whilst having relationships with other people.

She came out my hotel room wearing a long cardigan with nothing underneath because she took all her clothes off so she wouldn’t spill food down them………
I think that should be added to the scrip as that what my ex told me!!!!

Is it too late?

I just want to be able to do my own thing and not have to bother with anyone else.

i am absolutely disgusted by your behaviour, are you seriously listening to yourself, she is just a friend, am I not allowed to have female friends.

i am ashamed of you, that you would even think i would have an affair.

Seriously, if you think i would have an affair with someone who has a 5 year old you’ve got another thing coming, why would i want to set myself back, when our kids are almost adults.

I could go on……

You were more interested in the baby. WTAF!!!!.

This post is actually healing. So many times you think you are at least half to blame and maybe you missed signs where you should have done x y and Z for them.

Some of these posts are word for word what my ex told me.

Anyone get the you only get one life. 😂

proceeds to abandon family because you only have one life and it’s not like our children are getting bombed like in some parts of the world. 🥴

And they always start a new family with OW…
So, ow they’ve signed up for the same again?

We should have never got married.

Classic.

See also "I never loved you"
and
"You forced me to have children"
(Children we both tried very hard to conceive each time) 🙄🤷‍♂️

Haha yeah the you wanted children I just went with it. Because you were never happy

“I was lonely.”

You’d have been less lonely if you’d spent time together, instead of “going to the gym” & staying up till the early hours messaging someone else.

Being angry for me for the slightest thing.
Refusing to kiss me when leaving for work.
Wearing underwear in bed not allowing me to see him naked.
Leaving for work earlier and coming home later.
Bringing home strange things that he wouldn't normally use.
Disappearing off at weekends to "walk the dog"
Telling me that I did nothing despite working 12 hour days and paying for most things.
Sitting glued to the laptop all weekend.
Passcode on phone and permanently on whatsapp.
Ordering a Christmas gift for her and having it delivered to his parents.
Being defensive of her.
Gaslighting me and calling me delusional.
Very nearly broke me tbh but much better now. We're divorced.

Oh and I didn't keep the house clean!

My friends ex husband said to her:

OW is finding it very difficult that you are pregnant. Of course the reason she was finding it difficult was because ex had told her that he was separated from his wife. Quite difficult to comprehend how that had happened.

The idiot OW still married him through despite knowing he was a liar.

Yup, that one too
Basically, you're lazy, being a SAHM /looking after kids isn't work, you should clean more, you're a shit houswife

"Why aren't you making me cups of tea when I come home from work?" (Cause my day home.with the kids was just fun fun fun)

Its funny but also really depressing

Hope I'm.not derailing this thread, but the gaslighting /blame shifting has been mentioned a lot.

Stbxh did that to me too and it nearly broke me. It felt like he was trying to annihilate my character (obviously now I know why he did that... to try and justify his affair which I didn't k ow about at the time).

But it nearly broke me and for me that is probably worse than the affair itself...

How did you guys feel when yiu were being gaslit/blamed?

And did you find out about affair or did DP end relationship and you then found out about affair?

Another slightly more personal one:
"The explicit emails you saw between OW and I were a joke. I've told everyone at work about you being paranoid about OW so we were taking the piss out of you".

On the night he finally said he wanted a divorce (which was my fault of course), at least 3 months into his ‘relationship’ with the OW, he disappeared to a friend's house for the weekend. Went out and immediately hooked up with young woman who he was still messaging when he got back two days later.
This absolute arse ended our relationship so he could be with OW then immediately betrayed her that exact same night.
The OW who I was "being paranoid" about is, predictably, now his wife.

(Also, what is it with “you didn’t keep the house clean enough”? I had that one too, why do so many of them pull that out as if it’s reasonable?)

I'm furious as if wasn't true and even if it was, I kept my pants on. He lied and cheated while I was preparing for a really difficult time. I hate him but really he's nothing.

I got the ‘we were never right for each other’ line which and apparently his friends and family agreed. I was also told that he’d only proposed to me because he thought my mum wanted him to.

There were also the classic signs such as never leaving his phone out of sight but it being obvious he was messaging someone. Going to the gym nearly every day, taking selfies of himself, became really critical of me.. he just acted like a different person.

'I'm bored and she showed me what I'm missing'. 'Let's part ways now while we're both young enough to make a new start (I've already sorted my 'new start' out)'. 'I love you but I'm not sure what shape that love takes'.