OK, put it all together.
There are some great / horrible examples from everyone here, thankyou for your nail-head-hitting suggestions. Hope you've found it good to vent?
The background:
A trending thread follows a very familiar pattern here, of a seemingly happy marriage to a good man suddenly imploding with a shock announcement / discovery.
The middle aged man's script, as her doctor put it.
A poster suggested printing a tick list to bring to discussions with the errant / cheating / lying husband.
So here it is …
🟩The Tick List you can check off when they start churning them out, to help you keep on top, one step ahead and in some control of conversations
To demonstrate clearly that you know what he's up to, that he's following a time worn script.
🔮A forewarning of what may be to come, to stay awake, to help you predict next moves or recognise what's in front of you
Something that you can prepare answers and strategies for in advance
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TheTick list (Dick List?)
🟩’I'm not happy, haven't been for a long time’ (desperately finding reasons that are always your fault)
🟩‘You knew I was unhappy. We were never right for each other.’ (When you've laughed and joked and spent happy times together.)
🟩’What do you mean - if I was so unhappy I could have actually said something?’
🟩’I love you - but I'm not in love with you’
🟩’You've changed - You're not the girl I married’
🟩’You weren’t paying me enough attention’ (said in the whiny voice of a 4 year old)
🟩’You're not affectionate enough.’
🟩’You went off sex after having my baby / children, you never initiate sex now’ (doesn't matter what childbirth and childcare and menopause have done to your body and mind)
🟩’Your body changed after having my baby / children’
🟩’You've let yourself go’
🟩’You're highly strung’ (i.e. tired and exhausted from being a SAHM)
🟩’You've let the house go, it's a tip’
🟩’You stack the dishwasher wrong’
🟩‘You've never said thank you to me for working (no, being on 24 / 7 duty having and caring for our children / home / garden / meals / laundry / dog / my mother does not count)’
🟩‘That time you had COVID / went to look after your mum after hospital / did something nice for someone else / something for you for a change and you left me in the lurch looking after the kids the house the dog all by myself’
🟩The Wife Appliance has stopped working as per requirements - you've fallen ill, been diagnosed with a life changing condition, require care and support yourself - and this is An Issue
🟩’There's nobody else’
🟩Messages and emails and calls backwards and forwards with Her
🟩Constantly looking at his constantly pinging mobile - but never letting it out of his sight, keeping it locked, taking it into the bathroom, the garden.
🟩Suddenly lots of new conferences, business trips, overnighters, Sunday and overtime working on ‘projects’
🟩’Yes I was meeting another woman in a hotel room but nothing physical happened between us..... honest’
🟩‘We play mini golf / play chess / go hiking together, only because you don't like doing that’
🟩‘Our friendship is totally platonic, we're just really good friends, am I not allowed friends?’
🟩‘She's going through a really difficult time, I'm just a caring friend / neighbour / colleague / mentor / coach / trainer / manager’
🟩’She's just a friend supporting me’
🟩‘You're crazy...nothing would ever happen because she's married / has kids / not my type / doesn't fancy me / probably gay’
🟩She is you maybe 15 years ago
🟩Mentionitis, plus soppy expression and tone of voice
🟩’No, I said there's nobody else, how many more times’
🟩’You're making it up / imagining things / crazy’
🟩‘I HAVE to lie about what I'm doing - because you’re controlling / suspicious / crazy’
🟩‘It's not what it looks like’ - when it absolutely is what it looks like
🟩‘She totally understands me (unlike you).’
🟩‘She never nags me like you do’ (because she's not lived with him yet - and hasn't found out yet)
🟩‘Well, she made me feel wanted’
🟩’We have nothing in common’
🟩Arrested development - you grew up, took on adulting (eg parenting) whereas he … didn't, and carries on like he’s 20
🟩Hanging out with much younger colleagues, keeping up with their drinking, clubbing, late nights
🟩’None of my friends like you.’
🟩Women are generally better at picking up on changes in expression, tone of voice, body language, behaviour, language. And something feels DIFFERENT.
🟩Suddenly losing weight, going to the gym, fitness, tanning, growing a beard, moisturising, getting teeth fixed, new haircut
🟩Starting to use aftershave - generally smelling different, smelling too clean
🟩Suddenly into new things, hobbies, yoga, going vegan, sex positions, interests, buying new things for the new thing
🟩New language, new things he says, new opinions, emojis he's never used before, TikTok, trying to keep up - and age down
🟩Every spare hour devoted to an all consuming hobby (Morris dancing, LARP…)
🟩Suddenly buying new underwear, trendy too-young clothes
🟩‘You spent all that money as you liked on child car seat, cot, kids shoes - can't I spend money on myself, too?’
🟩Suddenly doing his own washing. Especially the underwear.
🟩Suddenly acting like he's being cross examined over the mildest of questions, defensive, over-explaining / being evasive
🟩‘What condoms? Those condoms? Oh, they're, I'm, I'm keeping them for a mate. To explain to our son what they're for. They're old. Well, yeah they may be in date and you've been on the pill ten years but … Two missing? Um - poshwank! YES. They're for a poshwank. So that's all right, then.'
🟩DARVO smokescreen - ‘are you cheating? You are, aren't you. You're cheating.’
🟩’All you ever think about is the kids, they take all your time and attention’
🟩‘I never wanted children, you trapped me into parenthood, we wouldn't be together if we hadn't had a kid, then the two more I helped conceive, and by the way I'm having 50/50’
🟩’You expect me to share housework and childcare when I want to cycle / play golf / go to football’ (add/delete as appropriate)
🟩’After 30 years of washing my pants, pushing out my kids and mopping my brow you've never really understood me.’
🟩Gaslighting as a form of abuse and coercive control.
🟩Rewriting history, creating an alternate history where they are the victim, presenting you with a list / book of your faults.
🟩‘I don't remember it that way.
That's how we’re remembering it now, is it?
I don't remember.
You're making it up.’
🟩‘It's impossible to talk to you.’
🟩‘You should have known / realised / understood that I …’
🟩’But I told you. You never remember anything’
🟩’You know what you're like’
🟩Mystifying change in personality - mentally checking out, withdrawing physical contact, suddenly cold, distant, hypercritical, scornful, snapping, nasty. Getting angry at you for the smallest thing. He's become someone you don't recognise.
🟩‘We should never have got married …
I never loved you’
🟩’We only met recently. After you and I split up. Honest.’
🟩’There are reasons why I had an affair (see the list of your faults I created to make myself feel less like the bad guy and you the one at fault)’
🟩’I was suffering from mental health issues and
- Really thought extra marital shagging would cure them.
- Had no idea what I was doing.
- That’s why I … ‘(insert excuse here)
🟩‘I’ve got to do what's best for me. I have the right to be happy, don't I? (No, not you, you don’t)’
🟩’We don't need a solicitor, we can do it ourselves’
🟩’You ask too many questions about my (our) finances’
🟩’Well, you stayed at home doing nothing (creating and nurturing x human beings and our home doesn't count) and I paid the mortgage so you're not entitled to the house, or anything really’
🟩’You're not getting your hands on my house / my income / my savings / my pension.’
🟩’I'm having 50/50 with the kids, which I absolutely understand will entail me learning how to look after them and will step up and do it all, yes, definitely.’
🟩’You know that 50/50 I was suddenly so insistent on, well I can't have the kids / do the school run / take them to their appointment after all because’ (insert and delete as appropriate).
🟩’Hey, everyone I have ever met; she's crazy, look what I had to put up with.’
🟩‘I don't know why you're getting so upset, you should be over it by now …. You're so bitter and unreasonable. You need to pull yourself together and -’
🟩‘Wait, why are you moving on so fast? … Why aren't you fighting to keep me?’
🟩’Is it too late for us, please can I come back? Her kids are doing my head in.’
🟩 ‘Why not? Why would you break up our family? You are so selfish’
🟩The threat of suicide once you find out / tell him you're leaving / have left / won't take him back
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I hope you'll find reassurance that it's not you, you're not going mad.
And it may somehow help you feel better to realise you're not alone.
💡Maybe we need a companion list with the answers, responses, questions you could ask in return? Anyone up for doing that as a Part 2?!