Are there happy fulfilling marriages/long term relationships?

[Christl78]

Hi all,

So, during the last year I have had my fair share of pain. I had a discussion with a friend of mine who is also in a disaster of a marriage. We look around us and all we see is misery. Having done a lot of work and psychotherapy ourselves, we ended up that there is a possibility that we subconsciously gravitate towards these people because we have also had failed marriages. And decided to look for people who have had happy fulfilling relationships and use those as a template to find a future relationship, as we currently have no good examples.

So…I would like to hear from MNs who are in happy relationships:

1. how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?
2. how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?
3. what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?
4. how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?

Is there such a thing as a happy marriage and a secure relationship? I want to know it exists and do the work with myself to gravitate towards one. But I want to find a good new template to look up to.

I would say it does exist as I have one!

I do think though it takes 2 healthy and happy people to be able to build a healthy and happy relationship/marriage, so you could do all the work on yourself but if you meet someone who hasn’t then it still will be impossible.

• how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?

I do think partly choosing a good husband for me, was luck, we met young and have been together since. I do think though that you could say my upbringing played a role even subconsciously, my dad has always worshipped the ground my mum walked on, nothing he wouldn’t do for her, they have always been very openly affectionate, and my husband is also all of those things, always has been been.

• how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?

Honestly, amazing. I know how lucky I am to have a husband who is absolutely there for me in every way and supports me completely, he is my biggest fan and my rock and I am his!

• what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?

Personally, not in my experience! Although we are currently in the trenches of having a young child so it’s not the hours long event it used to be because we simply don’t have the time we still have an active sex life and fancy each other! Keeping that connection up is a choice and it’s important to both of us so we haven’t had any issues with this.

• how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?

We are both really good communicators, at least in our opinion, it works for us. We don’t shout at each other, we bring things up as and when they happen rather than let things build up and bubble over, we are respectful to each other even when we disagree on things and even if we don’t agree we will always hear each other out and make a decision together. We don’t always see eye to eye on things but that’s life, we don’t have to agree on every little thing but we do agree on the big things and that’s what matters.

Choose - luck. Someone with similar values. Someone you can respect. Similar hobbies. Not identical to you though. Have sone self respect . don't define yourself by being in a relationship. Learn how to love the single life. Learn to be happy in yourself .

Problems - talk. Hug to remember the problem isn't the whole person. Adapt - only you can change yourself

Talk over even the small things over dinner or in front of crap tv so there are no surprises

Say thank you

Don't expect a mind reader

how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?
Mostly I met DH and fell in love. But it worked because he loved me for me and wanted the same things I did. He knows I'm driven and smart and independent and spiky and he likes those things about me. And I expected him to do his bit around the house and with the kids, and he has. And we talked about how we wanted things to be, and when they got uneven after I had our first child I called him on it until we got back on track.
how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?
Great. Nobody knows me like he does. He knows what I need and makes sure I get it. He encourages me to rest, take care of myself, see friends, have fun, treat myself kindly. He's only happy if I'm happy.
what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?
Twenty years in and it's still great. It's not as frequent or as carefree as before DC but we have deep trust and we both prioritise our mutual sex life and satisfaction.
how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?
Talking. Sometimes fighting. Making an effort to see each others' perspective. Making an effort to think the best of each other. We briefly had some joint counselling during some difficult life stuff which was very helpful.

(married, together 20 years)

1. I don't tolerate dickheads, met now-husband when we were both young and single.
2. Normal.
3. No.
4. We don't have problems in the marriage. We don't argue (there's nothing we fundamentally disagree on and I don't engage in arguing with anyone, its not enjoyable to me). We are blissfully childfree.

Marriage is for enhancing your life and making it fun, if a boyfriend fails to do that, which is the bare minimum, immediately discard him.

Together 18 years and very happy basically the entire time.

To answer your questions:

1. I got lucky. We met as teenagers and I was just fortunate to get one of the good'uns. I wouldn't know where to start finding another one, seems to be like trying to find a fart in a jacuzzi these days.

1. It feels amazing. It feels safe. Knowing that whatever I do my husband will support me and be there for me gives me a great sense of security. I always know that no matter what comes our way, it's never "me Vs him" and always "me and him Vs the problem".

1. No. I'd say it ebbs and flows as life happens, but hasn't died for us yet and I don't want it to. It changes and evolves with our relationship and that's ok, but I'd be sad if my intimate relationship with my husband ever ended completely.

1. We went to couples counselling before we got married. We had zero problems and our relationship was happy, we went to learn how to keep it that way. I'd say our communication is pretty damn top notch as a result, because we went into it both wanting the same thing and not just trying to "slap a plaster on a bullet wound" as the therapist put it. Many people only go to couples counselling when their relationship is already dead and they're trying to do CPR - we did what I'd call preventative therapy. We learned a lot about eachother and about our different communication styles. I think being in synch in how you communicate is the most important way to keep a relationship healthy while working through all life's hardships.

Wow - this stands out.

May I ask how your parents’ relationship was? Do you feel that somehow you followed the sae pattern?

I love the idea of marriage counseling before marriage.

Yes I believe it is absolutely possible providing you both communicate open and honestly and support one another.

•I met my husband through my MIL as we worked in the same office and became good friends
•I had a previous relationship with a man child so I knew exactly what I was looking for; secure job, financial independence, good friends, enjoyed their own hobbies, could drive, and knew what they wanted in life
•being supported emotionally is wonderful, validation goes a hell of a long way.
•sex has been tricky for us lately but we have two small children. We acknowledge we need to work on it and have taken steps to do so
•we've learnt a lot over the years and we've both worked together to ensure we communicate properly. We used to have bad rows but now we sit together and have really good discussions if we are struggling with something

Sometimes I love him, sometimes I hate him, sometimes he's all I want, sometimes he annoys the hell outta me. Wouldn't change him for anything though

This kind of re-enforces the idea that we tend to repeat what we learn in childhood.

I read very often on MN about women/men moving from one horrible person to the next and how they think that all men/women are bad apples. It only recently transpired to me that, actually, no. There are good people out there but you have to do your own healing so that you naturally gravitate towards them/choose them. And them to choose you. We are the problem and the choices we subcontract/unknowingly make.

My mam and dad are volatile. They do love eachother, they've been together since teenagers too and been through hell and back together, but they're very explosive. I think growing up in a home full of shouting and arguments made me all the more determined to never be like that and to learn how to settle differences with my husband without screaming and swearing.

I love my parents to death, and they've mellowed out massively now they're older and have settled into a much less dramatic relationship, but the volatility of my childhood definitely left it's mark!

What about your hubby’s family?

Much the same. Raised in a shouty household, mostly from his dad though whereas my mam was the dragon in our family. His dad travelled a lot and barely saw him when he was little, when he did see him he was usually angry about something, so his relationship with him is strained to this day. His mum is divine though, I love her to death and I'm glad a lot of her patience, grace and kindness rubbed off on her son!

I’m happily married. Pretty much all of our friends are too. Statistically, your marriage is more likely to fail if your parents’ did. We both have parents that stayed together, happily. True of all our siblings too.

I'm trying my best to stay together as I hated having step parents / step siblings.

Do you think that marriage counseling helped discuss these family patterns and maybe avoiding them in your marriage?

Nearly everyone in my family including my DS in his 40s have long term marriages. Not me. I've been married 3 times and they have all pissed me off.
My DS and his wife settle any problems when they need to with relationship counselling as they are both quite fiery and it seems to work. They were told to respect each other's space and for both to contribute equally to finances and housework. That works for them.
But both people need to be on board though. You can't have one lazy one and one who does everything.
I can't and don't want to cope with relationships so life alone is a much happier prospect.
When I go off to uncles snd aunts for a meal both of them are in the kitchen preparing food and cleaning up afterwards and this cooperation seems to make the marriage happier.

That’s what I had thought about my friends as well until they lifted the curtain. You never really know what goes on behind closed doors.

But it’s great that you marriage is happy and would like tonhear how you made this happen. What influenced you towards this good outcome. How do you support each other emotionally and help each other grow. What about sex? How often is it?

Yes definitely, it was one of the big things we talked about. I sometimes feel the rage in me, and there is a temptation to scream and shout and blow my top because it honestly would be cathartic. But the counselling helped me with coping mechanisms for dealing with that - and helped my husband to understand what I'm doing and why. It's just like prepping for disaster except in your relationship - we know where the storm shelter and sandbags are before the storm hits, rather than scrambling for them during.

1. lots of relationships before meeting my DH. realised he made my life easier and simpler. Previous relationships were exciting but always had an element of angst and drama. He is drama free. But life is still exciting because of all the interesting things we do as a couple, despite the lack of drama between us. My husband is a fundamentally reasonable man (so many ppl aren’t!).
2. great. DH has supported me through a massive career change and is my biggest cheerleader. I wouldn’t have done it had I not been married to him I don’t think, not because of the material support but because he gave me the self confidence to do it.
3. 10 years married, sex multiple times a week. Less than my husband would like and more than I would like, but I think we have found a good compromise. We both recognise it as an important foundation.
4. on this, tbh I would say we have led lucky lives so far and this is a bit untested. But we communicate well and take care of each other so I think we would face adversity as a team.

Impressive.
I am going to pick up this idea and apply it to my next relationship.
I am currenly in therapy myself but I think doing it with your partner before any big decisions is a great idea.

Define “multiple” times. Do you have children?

This is a really interesting thread!

I grew up with an alcoholic narcissistic (term not used lightly) mother and it has had a massive negative impact on my life.. hard to describe. I'd done a lot of learning and inner work myself but in 2021 I finally found a Councellor who I gelled with and I worked hard for a full year.. I really worked hard, I studied book and reflected each week. I was doing better but still felt there was something missing.. then I came across Echhart Tolle, A new earth. It was the missing part to my jigsaw.

Id been dabbling throughout the later 6 months of this time in online dating.. funny stories but not successful. Literally the day I finished this book, I started messaging a guy and it was instant connection and we are coming up on nearly 2 years together and are getting married in February.

This meant I was 34 before any relationship at all.. I thought it would never happen for me but now it has it feels so right. But I know I wouldn't have been capable of a good relationship before I did all the work. We haven't had one cross word in 2 years, we talk and communicate, he's kind and gentle and I know my future family life will be miles different from my past life.

Wondering now if I am totally off tangent to your post lol but my experience is there are amazing relationships to be had - even when its the absolute last thing you expect!!

thrice, on average. 2 kids under 6.

1. I was brought up in a single parent family and financially insecure, my mum has a history of chasing disastrous relationships and honestly being a doormat and accepting poor treatment from men. My upbringing influenced my decisions in as much as i knew I didn't want to recreate that life. DH comes from a very secure family unit and wanted a marriage like his parents. We were both aiming for the same outcome but coming at it from different experiences. I have always craved safety and consistency and he is all of that. Meeting him was chance luck in a nightclub but I knew early on that we aligned well in our goals, I enjoyed his company and he was always upfront and honest which I loved. I never understood the appeal of the 'bad boy' types.
2. Wonderful. And I hope he would say the same. We've each had turns in our relationship where we've been the supporting partner during study/career changes/becoming parents. Everything is a team effort.
3. Not my experience that sex dies. It ebbs and flows in frequency depending what else is going on in life but the quality has never dropped! I still find him as attractive as ever and he makes me feel beautiful.
4. Communication. We're honest with each other, talk things through and make big decisions as a unit. There isn't much conflict between us tbh as our basic values align and we have a lot in common so we enjoy spending time together as friends as much as anything. Life challenges like new parenthood or extended family illness etc having him by my side only makes those things easier to deal with. We've been together 16 years and I would say our relationship now is the best it's ever been. We've grown together.

I've been married twice and have been with dh 26 years.

How did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?

I waited until I met someone who was interesting, good company, funny, kind and attractive with the same morals and politics as me. We had and still have an amazing physical connection. I went out with plenty of bad apples and dumped them when I needed to.

Do you think that your upbringing played a role? I knew it was ok to leave a marriage if it wasn't right (I left my first husband, he just wasn't the right man for me) and I had high confidence.

how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?
Amazing. My dh is still the person I want to spend time with more than anyone else in the world. We love each others company and laugh a lot. He is emotionally intelligent and kind.

what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime? Nope, absolutely not. It's as brilliant as it ever was, more intense as we know each other so well, I think it helps that it was amazing straight away. If you've never had that with a person you can't magic it up IMO.

how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?
Talked, talked, talked. Compromised. Listened to each other.

Is there such a thing as a happy marriage and a secure relationship?
Absolutely. I'm really happy.

Impressive.
Yes, I do believe that the family and our childhood influences the choices we make. And what we very often don’t understand is that we choose the people we are with. We choose abuse. We choose narc behaviour. We choose mistreatment. And we can stop choosing those behaviours.
Someone who has a narcissistic parent is highly likely they will end up with narc partner. However, there is hope If we do work with ourselves.
The sister of a friend of mine was married to a narc/cheater abusive person. Her mother was a narc as well. At some point she divorced him and started doing A LOT of work with her counselor on WHY she chose him and how to avoid someone like this in the future. She found a great man in the end and they are married for 20+ years. They are really happy together and have a daighter.