Are there happy fulfilling marriages/long term relationships?

[Christl78]

Hi all,

So, during the last year I have had my fair share of pain. I had a discussion with a friend of mine who is also in a disaster of a marriage. We look around us and all we see is misery. Having done a lot of work and psychotherapy ourselves, we ended up that there is a possibility that we subconsciously gravitate towards these people because we have also had failed marriages. And decided to look for people who have had happy fulfilling relationships and use those as a template to find a future relationship, as we currently have no good examples.

So…I would like to hear from MNs who are in happy relationships:

1. how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?
2. how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?
3. what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?
4. how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?

Is there such a thing as a happy marriage and a secure relationship? I want to know it exists and do the work with myself to gravitate towards one. But I want to find a good new template to look up to.

That’s a lot of sex for a couple with young kids 🙌😄. How do you manage with young kids in the house?

How did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject bad apples? Do you think that your upbringing played a role?
I didn't. He chose me! I wasn't even looking and was quite happy single 😂But it just felt so easy and natural from day one. No playing hard to get or silly games, just completely open and honest about what we both wanted. We had completely different upbringings (but both had divorced parents) but same morals and values which I guess helps? I couldn't be with someone who didn't love and care for his family and friends, who didn't have a good work ethic or thought being "one of the lads" was more important than being a decent partner and family man.

How does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?
Lovely. And to feel I can do anything and he'll have my back - and vice versa - is the best feeling too.

What about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?
Not for us!!! It was incredible at the start and even better now we know each other so well. The more comfortable you feel with someone, the more you can explore and try things you might have felt nervous ever mentioning before! But you have to be on the same page from day one in order to have any success with this at all. If you start dating someone and your sex drives are incompatible, or you don't massively fancy them from the off, it will only get worse. I speak from experience!

How did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?
By supporting and being there for each other. Sounds cliche but we really are best friends and put each other first. Then we can deal with everything else. We've had some really, really shit times (miscarriages, death of a parent, financial issues) but he is always by my side and just knowing he's there makes me feel so much stronger and like I can deal with anything. Hopefully he thinks the same!

1. how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“? - I decided I needed to fancy them like mad, find them interesting, like their family and I needed them to hate football and gaming. I found him.
2. Do you think that your upbringing played a role? - Yes. I Had a nice childhood - idyllic at times really. I also had a very very good mum (until she left) and an excellent dad.
3. how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually? - Erm. It feels great?
4. what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime? - I don’t know. We have only been together 20yrs so I can’t comment. Right now things are great. Some years better than others which I think is normal with kids too.
5. how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives? - we had a bumpy couple of years about 8yrs ago and we saw a therapist. She saved us and I wouldn’t hesitate to see her again.
6. Is there such a thing as a happy marriage and a secure relationship? - I hope so. I think I’m in one and I hope it stays like this.

That’s wonderful to hear.
may I ask If you have kept in touch with your mother? I have read that in order to heal and lead your life towards a different direction you need to limit contact with the people who influence you negatively? Is this true or where you able to set the right boundaries so tht you are not affected?
I do not come from a single parent family but my mum was similar to yours and my father completely absent.

1. 1.how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?
2. I just met him and we clicked. I didn't consciously do a bad apple check. My previous long term relationship, whilst not bad or abusive made me know what kind of relationship I didn't want. DH was warm and genuine from the get go.
3. 2. how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?
4. Amazing! DH thinks the world of me, and me him. We support each other through everything.
5. 3. what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?
6. Maybe for some, it has for us as I have health issues.
7. 4. how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?
8. We rarely argue, but we're not perfect. We just try to communicate. My parents marriage was awful, inlaws are still together but live separate lives. We know we don't want that. You have to work at it.

I chose my husband by gut feeling and what I was seeing. He seemed kind, a good dad and never gave me the run around.

I am very supported and he's my biggest advocate and I feel it. He is always encouraging me to learn and supports my work.

Sex is amazing the longer we are together, it's had a boring patches but that's normal and we work hard to ensure we maintain a good sec life.

We've had some horrible times and the last two years were traumatic. We talk. We sit in silence and we make time to be there and not being up distressing subjects - like an afternoons detox!

FWIW my parents divorced and I had the best step-mum ever (my mum never remarried). We're still really close now as grown adults. They're not all bad!

I'm a step-parent now too and I am trying to ensure that my DSD feels the same.

If you have decent parents then you'd hope that they choose decent people to be step-parents to their kids...

@Christl78 I do have a relationship with my mother, but I don't rely on her for anything practical. She had me very young and my father is also completely absent. For me it almost seemed like an arrested development thing from when I was born, she's emotionally immature. She made what in my reckoning were poor decisions but she sees as her doing her best. Sadly she will take any affection offered from a man even if he's blatantly awful. I feel empathy for her she's had a lot of struggles but fundamentally I expect her to be selfish and accept that's not likely to change.

1. how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?

No, not at all. I met him when I was very young and knew instantly that he was the only person I ever wanted to be with. I've never felt differently for a day in my life. We married very quickly and have been married almost 15 years so far. I feel incredibly fortunate to have a marriage that is more romantic, fulfilling and full of love than Hollywood sold it. I keep this very quiet in my real life though, I think people usually find it boring to hear about.

I didn't "love myself" and I was just a normal insecure needy person just out of their teens still settling on who they were. I don't think love only happens to people who are in a "good place"- I listened to a podcast recently that said that discourse seems a bit shamey to single people, and I agree.

1. how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?

It feels incredible. My husband is the person I turn to when I'm confused, ashamed, disheartened and he supports me and helps me think about available options. He's only ever supported me in my goals; sometimes at great sacrifice to himself (and vice versa). He's also great company, which has helped through some big moves where we knew no-one- I am genuinely content just spending time with him (socially I mean- our children too more generally).

1. what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?

It hasn't for us. It's gotten better really, we're more adventurous and trusting now, and still very frequent. I'm pre menopause and post baby years.

1. how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?

By arguing. Getting upset. Calming down. Reflecting. Apologising. Trying to find ways to make it not happen again. Just normal I think! I do think it helps that we largely agree on the big things.

Me and DP have never married, neither of us interested in the idea, but 20 years in, and still very happy.

To answer you're individual points:-

1 - Sheer dumb luck. I was only 23 when we got together, and had ruined most previous relationships with my immaturity. Either got bored and moved on, or didn't put enough effort into the relationship and so the other person dumped me.

Met DP in a club, went on a few dates and we hit it off. 10 months in I'm just starting to feel the usual itch and suddenly there's a baby. DP had had a phantom pregnancy, first she'd known about it was going into labour. First I knew I was getting a phone call from her sister that I had a daughter.

I decide I need to grow up, 6 months later we're living together as a family. Luckily, me and DP fit together pretty much perfectly. I can't imagine the situation having worked out had I been with any of my previous partners.

2 - Feeling supported emotionally is great, we've always got each others backs. As a previous poster said, it's never me vs. DP. Always me and DP vs. the problem.

Intellectually, isn't something we really do. We have very very different interests, DP would rather pull her own teeth out rather than talk about politics, and I've got equally little interest in anything the Bronte sisters have written. That's fine, it's what friends are for, and we never struggle to find other things to talk about

3 - Some times it's great, sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's non-existent. Right now, 20 years in we're in a "great" phase

4 - We're both very direct communicators when it comes to problems in the relationship. It comes from having that one very huge problem 10 months in. We sat down a few weeks after DD was born, and had a long conversation about logistics, what her moving in with me would look like, what she needed from me to feel secure enough in doing so, what my parenting looked like while she was still living with her parents etc.

We do the same now, if there's a problem we sit down, identify the issue, identify possible solutions, then work out which solution is best and who's going to implement it. If we can't come to an agreement then we go away for awhile, come back to it later and one of us compromises.

We do not shout, we do not call each other names. DP has heard me raise my voice exactly twice, and both times it was to get DD's attention to stop her doing something dangerous. If either of us get frustrated with the other, we discuss it. Only once has it ever bubbled over into anger, and it was because I steamrollered over DP's opinion and did something without thinking of her. We learnt from that and haven't repeated it.

You've asked other posters about their parents relationships @Christl78 , so I'll answer that as well. DPs parents had a good relationship on the surface, but hard choices tended to get swept under the carpet and not dealt with until it was too late. They loved each other hugely though, until the day DMIL died.

My parents relationship on the other hand was awful. My Dad is a twat, and shagged his way round half of the UK, (including my DMs sister). My Mum should have divorced him way before she did, but stayed together "for the kids". Neither me or my brother appreciated that, it's a hell of a cross to bear to know that your mother spent a third of her life miserable "for you"

we have just celebrated our 25 wedding anniversary.
My parents have just celebrated their 61st anniversary.
My grandparents reached 58 years before my grandfather died.

I do think that this is relevant. I watched both parents and grandparents go through ups and downs, good and bad patches in their marriages. I watched them resolve things and work things out, and argue, and get fed up with each other, but fundamentally love each other.

How did I choose dh? I was expecting to be single, was 32 and had given up. He was same, so we didn't meet looking for a partner. We became friends first. I had standards and strong values that I wanted a man to match. I wasn't going to compromise on some of that.

I have zero tolerance for crap. From the beginning we shared everything. I just would not be with someone who can't cook a meal or change a nappy. He respects me and that is important. (and I respect him) We support each other in work, parenting etc.

I love him to bits, but love is not enough. Mutual respect and integrity are also important.

Sex has waves, less with small children, more/better as kids got older. Still good after 25 years, although menopause has started to have an effect.

We've been through some tough times, and it has drawn us closer together.

I do look around at other marriages and see a lot of women putting up with crap men. I would rather be single.

I should say though, dh parents did not have a happy marriage and he was determined to do the pposite of them. They stopped talking/ communicatingg with each other.

And we argue and I shout, and he storms off, and then we talk and talk and talk until it is resolved.

Ooooh @steppemum has just made me think.

I didn't really think about looking at my / DP parents relationships as we were both pretty much raised by single mothers.

HOWEVER, we were both extremely close to our maternal grandparents who helped raise us. Both mine and DPs grandparents (sadly no longer alive) were the loves of each others lives and together until they died. Through wars, deaths, poverty.... More than we will (hopefully) ever see in our lifetime...

I think maybe that has impacted us and taught us what true love was, rather than our parents?

Like a lot of PP we met young and grew up together. Married 22 years and we met age 19. It hasn't always been smooth as life keeps throwing crap at us, but we work things out and keep communicating. Sex life alive as well still too. I second or third not expecting any one to be a mind reader in a relationship.

Our parents marriages are shit shows. Multiple divorces, affairs, horror shows of attempting to blend families. We actively put the work in to never ever be like any of them.

Same @turkeyboots I am proud of how I chose to be nothing like the awful people who bred me.

DH have been together 25 years and married for 18. Still very happy.

• how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?

We were friends first and love grew out of that. I valued his honesty and the fact that he was reliable and straightforward. He'd call when he said he would, he wouldn't make promises he couldn't keep. So trust came very easily, despite having had some disasterous experiences with previous boyfriends. And he made me laugh, and still does daily.

Do you think that your upbringing played a role?

I think his upbringing definitely played a role. His parents are still happily married and are very down to earth, grounded people. And you can see those qualities in him.

I lost my own Dad very young in an accident. It was a terrible shock and changed my perception of life forever. I try to never take his love for granted. I let him know how much I value him. I don't go to bed on a quarrel. Life is fleeting and it's important to appreciate what you've got.

• how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?

Wonderful.

• what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?

To be honest, long term commitment hasn't taken the shine off our sex life, but menopause is a bitch atm so that's definitely impacting.

• how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?

I honestly don't think we have many problems in our marriage. We are a team and face everything head-on together and there's great strength and security that comes with that. We recognise that we have different skill sets when it comes to tackling problems and often take different roles within a crisis.

I would just say it takes effort and understanding on both sides.

I don't think I chose a particularly good egg, and I don't think I'm a great egg either. We both have faults. But we both "water the grass" of our relationship by: (1) not making a mountain out of a mole hill (2) not taking the piss (3) giving the other person time, attention, love and nice things.

We genuinely like each other and get on - our temperament, sense of humour, way we like to spend time etc just clicks and gels.

We're fortunate not to have money problems- we had them in the past, but being on the other side I see that money makes things so much easier, reducing arguments and stress and means you can afford to do things you enjoy.

And we don't try to change each other. We don't sweat the small stuff. I'm messy, he is lazy round the house. But it all gets done eventually and no one takes the piss.

We take time to connect through sex, regular meals out etc. We're childfree by choice.

This is what "same values" means to me. Obviously it wouldn't work if that was just one sided. I'm thankful in that our relationship has grown and matured in this way. Like I said, neither of us would be good partners on paper due to a variety of reasons. We didn't talk about this stuff when we started out, it's just what I observe in hindsight.

I consider my marriage happy, but it has certainly had ups & downs.

1. I was 23 when I met my husband but had been single for over 3 years due to 3 abusive relationships in a row in my teens and a few disappointing attempts at university. So I recognised I was choosing the wrong people, rejected the idea of a relationship totally for a while, I should probably have gotten therapy, but I went travelling, did a course to improve my confidence and moved half way across the world. Looking back, I was pretty lucky, I wasn't looking to date seriously, just felt confident enough to dip my toe back in and happened to connect with my husband. We wanted to spend lots of time together early on because we got on really well. We were both not interested in playing games, we were open and honest, which was really refreshing. I think communication has been an indicator of the health of our relationship through the years. When he wanted to move in together I sat down and asked him about what he saw long term for our relationship, children, where we would live, lots of really intense stuff I think some people shy away from but I wasn't interested in continuing the relationship if our values and expectations for our lives didn't align. We got married just over 2 years after meeting. In terms of upbringing - my parents are divorced from a young age, my mum & step dad always argued loads and my mum complained about him to me all the time. Which wasn't great, my mum also suggested I was being overdramatic when in abusive relationships... They are still married 30 years later and are on/off happy and would insist their relationship is great. But I do try not to emulate their dynamic, they ignore the big issues and fight over pointless tiny things. I do slip into my mums habits of nit picking sometimes, but we keep communicating and working through it. My husbands parents relationship isn't healthy either, never argued but also never discussed problems, told to keep it to themselves and not bother anyone. Getting my husband to open up about frustrations before they lead to resentment has been key.
2. Amazing, the anxiety I had in previous relationships is so strange to think about now. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I wasn't 100% comfortable and secure with the person. I can tell him anything and I know he'll always support me. We are a team and view our lives through that lens, we share decisions and enjoy spending time together. I know that he's seen the worst of me as well, so I don't have any concerns about sickness/health/better/worse etc.
3. My husband doesn't have a particularly high sex drive, and we're quite evenly matched in that respect. We don't have sex very regularly and significantly less than the first few years of our relationship (we do have a toddler); but we're both happy with our level of intimacy, we still find each other attractive and are affectionate but we're just super tired and its hard finding the time. I'm hopeful it'll become more regular again when we're through this season of our lives. I think I'd be concerned if the attraction wasn't still there. But for both of us, sex is just one of many factors in our relationship/lives; I definitely have heard others talk about it in a way that I know it's extremely important in their relationship but we both don't feel that strongly about it.
4. I actually wouldn't recommend getting married so quickly in some ways because it seems no where near long enough to get to know someone and we had tough times especially when my mental health plummeted during covid and he didn't know how to cope with it. But we also had plenty of time to be married and develop our relationship before having kids so that helped when in the challenging new born phase. Time is definitely an important factor though because bad eggs can't hide their true colours forever. Communication is 100% the key in my opinion. We probably should have had therapy after my depressive period in covid but we couldn't afford it at the time. We did basically google therapy strategies and opened the lines of communication again to work through the hurt and confusion. Just lots of talking and gradually understanding each other better has meant we rarely leave things unsaid anymore, but can talk about issues without causing upset. We've also had to accept that getting together in our 20s means we're not going to be the same people we fell in love with forever, life has already changed us and it's about growing together and learning to still love each other and our lives as we go through different seasons. It's really easy to get annoyed by the little things, I try to always remind myself to notice and be grateful of all the wonderful things my husband does; and to notice and appreciate when he's grateful of me.

I was older when I got married. So I'd kissed a few frogs.

I got married to someone who was co parenting well with his ex and saw his kids a lot.

He's got a good family who he spends a lot of time with and who support each other and are also a good laugh.

He's financially savvy. He does his share around the house. He likes the same kind of holidays as I do.

He loves our dog.

So someone who was good at managing adult life.

I also fancied him....

I’m in one.
We’ve been together since I was 17 - it was pure luck.

I can’t tell you how it feels to be supported it is just my normal

Nobody in either of our families has been divorced and all were or at least seemed happy so we both had examples of how a healthy partnership works.

Sex goes through phases, sometimes we have lots sometimes not so much. We’ve been together 24 years and apart from after having a baby we’ve never gone more than a week or so without it.

Apart from infertility, that actually brought us closer together, and the usual bereavements etc we haven’t had massive problems to surmount. We just face everything together and know I’ve got his back and he’s got mine.

I'm a married man. I think my wife and I both had clear ideas of the kind of relationship we wanted, based on previous experiences (we got together early 30s after previous long relationships.) I felt comfortable with her quickly and it was enjoyable just spending time getting to know her.

I try my best to be supportive and to help her achieve her ambitions. I think it helps that I feel confident in myself, so when she is successful I'm really happy for her rather than feeling like somehow it's going to make me look inferior or something. It's important to me to try to be a good partner, especially after hearing about some of the shocking experiences described in various media including Mumsnet.

Having young kids has made it more difficult to find time for sex but it is still good when we do get time and I'm hoping we'll get more time in the future.

Generally we are both willing to sit and talk things through when we do have differences. We had some counselling a few years ago too.

1. By being very picky and always being willing to stay single rather than even date someone (never mind consider a ltr with them). By being lucky enough to have had a very stable, nice upbringing with good examples of relationships.

1. It feels normal. I'm in my early 50s. I've only ever been in 2 long-term relationships (now married for 20 years) and neither was with someone who wouldn't respect or support me fully.

1. Certainly reduces. I'm fine with that tbh.

1. Haven't really had any major ones (touch wood!). We are good co-parents, get on well with each other's families and very rarely argue.

Not sure if I have been together long enough. We have been married 9 years and together for 10. We are very happy together. Infertility problems so no kids yet..

I met him when I was 21 (while at uni in London) and I did have a list and he met most of the attributes I wanted- very responsible and driven and loving. We are from different cultural backgrounds and different countries so it was an uphill battle to be together as I was an international student and had to return home after university, DH also had to complete his masters at that time in a European country.

DH flew to my home country to propose to me. My parents were not too happy with me eloping to marry him after I graduated and we were very poor then (living mainly on DH's student loan). I remember buying ikea furniture for our studio flat and not being able to afford the delivery charge , we carried it home on the bus. Having 20 euros for groceries. Being grilled by UKVI when we visited his family in UK as they thought I was a potential benefits scammer.

We did manage to marry, get our visas and moved back to London where we lived with family for 3 years while establishing our careers (I was determined to be financially secure and foresaw that london rents would become unaffordable unless we could get on the property ladder). It was very difficult at times (DH sometimes thought his mum might grow tired of us) but we never let it come between us. We did buy our flat together 5 years ago in our 20s and our salaries have increased a lot ever since. We still do have our problems like toxic employers, infertility. But what sustains us is our love and that we always have each other's back.

I am so lucky to be in the same country and to have my own place as the man I love. I never take that for granted. That in itself is a gift. So no matter what happens or what problems we have, we would always have that.

I think going through so much crap together at a young age has made us appreciate each other. DH's parents are divorced and I find I subconsciously mirror a lot of my parent's marriage onto my own (they are very happy together). My parents always supported each other's careers and pooled their finances, we do that too. We are very transparent with each other, like they say, bad news is OK but surprises are never OK.. I find a lot of men feel ashamed if they don't earn enough to provide what they deem to be a sufficient standard of living and they tell their girlfriends and wives a lot of BS which obviously isn't good for any relationship because the truth always comes out. Though I guess the girlfriends/wives should also think critically but for many people it's easier to believe fairytales. However when you believe fairytales and it ends, the relationship has to end at the same time.

Sex doesn't die but cos of work we don't have sex everyday the way we used to when we were first married!

Of course, there will be some but I would suggest that the majority are far from bliss..

What a beautiful story ❤️