Are there happy fulfilling marriages/long term relationships?

[Christl78]

Hi all,

So, during the last year I have had my fair share of pain. I had a discussion with a friend of mine who is also in a disaster of a marriage. We look around us and all we see is misery. Having done a lot of work and psychotherapy ourselves, we ended up that there is a possibility that we subconsciously gravitate towards these people because we have also had failed marriages. And decided to look for people who have had happy fulfilling relationships and use those as a template to find a future relationship, as we currently have no good examples.

So…I would like to hear from MNs who are in happy relationships:

1. how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?
2. how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?
3. what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?
4. how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?

Is there such a thing as a happy marriage and a secure relationship? I want to know it exists and do the work with myself to gravitate towards one. But I want to find a good new template to look up to.

https://archive.ph/0agfV

'Take couples who tied the knot in 1995. One decade later about 25 per cent had divorced — yet for those who married in 2010 the figure is just 19 per cent. In fact, 11 per cent of those married in 1995 did not get past the five-year mark — yet among couples married in 2015 the number is just 6 per cent.'

divorce rates are dropping cos fewer people are getting married (so the ones who get married are more 'committed' on average; and also richer so less friction due to financial strain') I don't know if it means marriages on the whole are now happier than compared to 30 years ago, but they are failing at a lower rate.

I think this is a really good point. I wonder if there was data that combines married and long term co-habiting relationships whether we would see the same reduction in relationship breakdown.

This, the data suggests, has led to better-behaving partners. Until April 2022, when no-fault divorce became available, divorces of opposite-sex marriages were granted to either the man or the woman.
In more than fifty years of data, there has been little change in the number of male-granted divorces. In fact the recent fall in divorce rates has almost entirely been the result of a decrease in female-granted divorces: in other words, since the 1990s men have become progressively less likely to irritate their wives to the point of no return.
Yet it is not all good news. Marriage may be in good health, but it no longer tells us the full story of family breakdown. Data is sketchier on cohabiting couples, but researchers tend to agree on two things.
One is that children born to cohabiting <a class="break-all" href="https://archive.ph/o/0agfV/www.thetimes.com/life-style/parenting" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">parents are much more likely to witness a family break-up. Research by the Institute for Family Studies found that in nearly every country — Britain included — the chance of a child’s parents splitting up by the time they were 12 was nearly twice as high in cohabiting families as in married couples. The other is that the number of children growing up without both parents in the household has soared since the 1960s. About 24 per cent of families are now headed by a single parent, up from 8 per cent in 1970.

We have shared values, ethical and political. Not identical, but adjacent. We like having a nice time together. We like looking after each other and are never grudging about it. We like making each other happy. We trust each other absolutely. We have other friends, although we are each other's best friend. Our finances are arranged so that we both have some money that we can spend entirely freely and privately if we want to. The amount has gone up and down over the years, but there has always been some, even just enough for a coffee.

This may sound a little harsh, but I truly believe it's a bad idea to start a relationship with someone who needs "fixing". If things go wrong down the line, then you already have a basis to work on, but going in thinking "If he/she fixes/changes this about him/herself then everything will be fine" is a recipe for disaster. Also, use effective contraception until you have had a serious conversation about having a baby, and if you are not absolutely on the same page here, cut your losses. If possible, like, or at least tolerate, each other's friends and family. If you really, really dislike them, remember that is where he or she came from. They made him or her.
I could go on-but those are the things that came to mind.

This is a good book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Families-Survive-Them-Cedar-Books/dp/0749314109

It says that people latch on to others who have had similar upbringings and that they can detect it just from the look on the person's face. I got that with DH and knew at once when I saw him.

Hmmm. In all honesty, the long term marriages that I see all have one partner, usually the women, who put up with a shed load of crap. I would love to think this isn't the case but it's a defining factor of every decades long marriage I have witnessed.

We’ve been married over 30 years, together 35. We met when we were v young (18/19). My sister reckons I’ve got an unusually alert antennae for sorting out good eggs from bad ones so maybe that came into play! I certainly wasn’t interested, even then, with dating someone who would mess me around or not treat me well. I had a good instinct that he would love and care for me in all the ways that matter…and he did! Both of our sets of parents stayed together although my home was much more shouty than his…more mum than dad though and my dad treated my mum really well. I think subconsciously I was looking for a guy who would do the same. DH comes from a much calmer and ‘thought through’ home than me and the first time I visited them I thought ‘this is what I want for my future home, a place where issues are discussed calmly and people are allowed their opinion without it causing a huge drama.’ The other main thing is that we have shared values and beliefs which gives us a really secure foundation for decision making and so on.

It’s a massively secure feeling to know that I’m supported in the way that I am. DH is my number one cheerleader. When we first met I was hugely insecure about loads of things; in particular my abilities and body. I found compliments really hard to take because they jarred with my own (distorted) view of myself. Over the years, he’s gently and consistently chipped away at this, telling me what he thinks I do well and how he appreciates how I look. He tells other people too and seems proud to be with me. Over the years I’ve grown much more confident in almost every area of life and it’s largely down to his input. We are an absolute team and have each other’s backs in everything. Intellectually we’re also a good team…we definitely have different strengths which we bring to balance out family life. We have some major interests in common but also quite a few things that we differ on. We’re happy to share those interests with others outside of the partnership so that works well.

No in fact it’s probably the best it’s ever been and we’re mid-fifties. When you’ve been married as long as we have there are inevitable ebbs and flows. There have been times when one or other of us wasn’t happy with it in one way or another but we loved each other enough to be committed to making it work and talking it out until we reached a solution. Young kids wearing you out and teenagers whose bedrooms are too close for comfort mean you have to accept it’s not always going to be perfect, however we were always determined to find a way through. Now the kids are grown up and have left home it’s amazing and we can be spontaneous again which is great. We also know each other incredibly well by now and are completely comfortable with each other. I think that my increased body confidence has also made a difference if I’m honest. It’s odd, I’ve had two children and am not anywhere near as slim, firm or perky as I was in my early twenties but am much more relaxed and happy with myself so enjoy it much more without wondering what he’s thinking about my thighs!! I think I’ve also been fortunate that the menopause hasn’t messed with my libido…in fact quite the opposite!

In terms of sorting out problems, we’ve both been completely committed to doing so. Divorce has never even been on the radar. We’ve had times when we’ve really needed to dig deep and commit to working through something, which we’ve done by talking, admitting when we’ve been in the wrong and asking forgiveness, and being forgiving even when we’re hurt and upset. In the very early days I sometimes reverted to my mum’s way of dealing with an issue - by shouting - but DH was really clear that he didn’t want us to operate like that and so we quickly found our own way of talking calmly even when we’re upset. We’re very fortunate that we very rarely argue about anything and our kids grew up in a pretty calm, respectful environment. We’ve never called each other names or anything even close to that. We are both committed to being the best to each other that we can be and to giving ourselves to make the other one happy (insofar as you can for someone else). It’s not always been easy though- we have both been selfish at times over the years but we have also been intentional that we want to love and care for each other as best we can and when we make mistakes we make big efforts to sort them out. We are still very much in love, in the deepest and most committed to each other sense of the word. He’s my favourite person in the world and I’m certain he’d say the same about me.

Hi , I’ve been with dp for 20 years , we met through friends and his mum was dd1,s nursery teacher .
I wanted a partner who was honest , my had an affair and we split when dd1 was 3 months old .i will be honest , I have never been able to love the single life like so many on mums net .
We have a great shared sense of humour, I still fancy him and we are happy. My mum is a total narcissist, so I wanted to be the opposite to her in a relationship.

That’s really sad

One of the same here. One of the two partners bears the burden and tolerates a lot. If the marriage is to survive.
That‘s why I started this thread. I want to hear from people who aren’t in this situation and live in happy marriages. How did they do it and how they made the right choice. I think surrounding oneself with such people could provide the template for a healthy relationship.

Unless particularly lucky there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. It's all about learning and adapting to living with someone after the honeymoon stage has worn off.

We've been married for over 20 years and together for almost 25. We almost split up twice, no affairs, just reached points when it wasn't working, so we made more effort and took on board ways we were annoying each other!

It is hard work, arguments, boundaries, but at the end of the day when you realise the partner you wanted to spend the rest of your life with is worth it you keep going.

Of course, this isn't right for everyone and things happen that can't be tolerated, so we just have to each make own way through this minefield. Xx

Personally, don’t think it is hardwork
And in 24 years I can count the number of times we’ve argued on one had.

Luck and hard work for us. Luck because we met at high school, hard work because if you grow up together you're learning about yourself as well as your partner as they also grow. DH isn't a good communicator so it's taken a while to work out how we can talk to each other when we are struggling, it takes patience and a mutual commitment.

But over the decades it has been 95% happiness, which I guess has carried us through those difficult patches, we are friends first which I think is crucially important, he is the person I want to be with all the time. And yes, sex and intimacy, and its frequency, is vitally important too, otherwise all you have is friendship, and to me personally, that's not a marriage.

How did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?

Ummm I had a failed marriage behind me and two kids so I had a very very high bar which tbh I didn’t expect anyone to reach. But he smashed it. As a friend and person first and we didn’t even think there was a possibility of romance at first- maybe denial as we were attracted to each other but the situation seemed to not be likely that we would work. I was however happy to be alone and prepared for a life without a partner and content with that for at least a few decades… and that’s a key thing- a relationship should enhance your life but not BE it. Upbringing? Well my parents are married still after 50 years but argue a lot… so… I don’t know!

How does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?

Actually amazing. Like I thank my lucky stars every day that we all have each other. I just know he has my back regardless and it’s so easy… No fear or walking on eggshells or having to choose my time to speak- he is just amazing and so kind, generous, thoughtful.

What about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?

When our children were babies it was tough and some intimacy was lost for the breastfeeding and intense toddler years although we probably had sex as a connection every few weeks it often was rushed or not relaxing but fine, nice and safe like comfy slippers I guess. But after those years and in particular in recent years since he turned 50 funnily enough it’s become amazing and we have a wonderful sex live which is fulfilling and exciting and just fab.

How did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?

family issues have arisen over the years (17 years btw) not marriage issues. All issues overcome by communication and give and take. We don’t argue- literally have never had an argument. He has the patience of a saint though so I can’t take credit for that. We work as a team always. Never ever point score. One of us picks up the slack when needed no questions asked and we pull together. A team.

@Christl78 We have shared values, ethical and political. Not identical, but adjacent. We like having a nice time together. We like looking after each other and are never grudging about it. We like making each other happy. We trust each other absolutely. We have other friends, although we are each other's best friend. Our finances are arranged so that we both have some money that we can spend entirely freely and privately if we want to. The amount has gone up and down over the years, but there has always been some, even just enough for a coffee.

This may sound a little harsh, but I truly believe it's a bad idea to start a relationship with someone who needs "fixing". If things go wrong down the line, then you already have a basis to work on, but going in thinking "If he/she fixes/changes this about him/herself then everything will be fine" is a recipe for disaster. Also, use effective contraception until you have had a serious conversation about having a baby, and if you are not absolutely on the same page here, cut your losses. If possible, like, or at least tolerate, each other's friends and family. If you really, really dislike them, remember that is where he or she came from. They made him or her.
I could go on-but those are the things that came to mind.

Good thread. My DF has been with a new partner for 20+years and they are very happy.

1. She chose him! I think that's probably an important thing to remember. The woman always does the choosing. IMHO anyway. They got to know each other a lot for a long time. She actually didn't fancy him when she first saw his photo (online) but personality won through and the attraction was there when they met. So taking it slow is important. She was quite fussy on some aspects. He had achieved quite a lot in his life. They shared a love of similar broad things so conversations were endless. Also both great story tellers. She made a big step and moved in. It wasn't without teething issues but those were worked through.
2. From what they say, it's just like being with your best friend. The other person is always considered or able to put forward their views and needs and opinions. She said very early on that he just had to let her be herself and he has done that. I think that's important for relationships later in life - you have had life experience, independence, even experience of controlling partners. I do think you have to be with the person you are with and not the person you want to be with or want them to be. She is very kind. He just wants the best for others. So a nice match.
3. Not something I can answer 😂 She did say it becomes less important as you get older.
4. From an outsider view, they both value family, they have worked out big things like wills, they support each others health. I think she is patient. Always support each others views and have each others back. They just discuss things.

Frankly-and I know this is controversial, I think saying that a relationship needs "hard work" is a massive red flag. So is talking about arguments and fights being normal- or even necessary. A relationship should be easy and happy and fun. If it isn't-maybe it's not the right relationship for you.

It's so nice to read the common themes here.

@PoachesPeaches
For us it isn’t ‘like being with your best friend’ he is my best friend.

@CurlewKate ok maybe hard work is a bit strong, but I know we've had to work at our relationship sometimes and that doesn't tarnish it. We were 17 when we got together, we've been through everything together, everything from grief through to mental health, and our children's health. It does take a bit of work to make sure you keep talking, that you remember to prioritise your relationship (especially in those baby years where your roles change so much) having conversations that you'd rather not have when you're tired and unwell but are necessary. We have a very consistent and what I would describe as a gentle love, we are not fiery, we can both withdraw, I am so proud of our relationship, but it takes effort. I wouldn't trust anyone who says they don't put any effort into their relationship, just look on the relationship boards for those kinds of relationships, and what is another word for effort? Work. We are just getting to semantics deciding what we mean by 'work's

I agree actually. It shouldn’t be hard work in that sense but relationships do require effort. Effort to connect and communicate but that should be fun! And your husband should feel like a best friend. IMO. And arguing isn’t good either. It’s not passionate it’s hurtful and often not even true but a snapshot of strong emotions.

As I said, some are lucky and have a perfect marriage and am just talking about my own experience? That's great for you, very blessed to not be afflicted with any issues which could affect your relationship. I don't mean to assume you haven't had your trials, like mental issues, traumas, bereavements etc, life can throw a lot of curve balls which not every couple can take the strain of. Xx

He's a good egg, so am I
Luck of meeting young at uni
Trauma bonding to an extent (family stuff, knowing what doesn't work, what we don't want)
Both work hard, shared goals and values
When we met I didn't want a relationship so we were friends for ages and not intimate for first six months or so
Both have high standards
Sex is great, best part of things
Pacifists
Geeks and proud (we are on the same intellectual level)
Tolerant of our idiosyncrasies
I saw a lot of men behaving badly growing up and I don't mean the sitcom. I knew what I didn't want and not afraid to say it.

We both come from the same type of old fashioned families who no matter what, don't do divorces. Same denomination religion wise, same morality and being humane against the fashion of being selfish which is so fashionable in the UK. Duty first, family first and hard work. All else love will cover

I married late and my parents could not fathom why because the marriage offers would come at me at the speed of light. I would say: I don't want to marry only to divorce.

had a list of my own expectations what kind of a man and the man appeared. Basically I do not understand women who take any man, man who insists on paying 50/50 like is some form of equality recipee or a man who is going to the pub to drink and me what?_ alone home waiting for him. No. A man who is marrying me to live with me, be my best friend, my closest human adult, my all and all, my shelter in this cold world. If he is not that man I don't need a man and can be that person for my own self. Not many women are capable of that but I married very late and was single for 18 years before marrying so practiced what I preach