Are there happy fulfilling marriages/long term relationships?

[Christl78]

Hi all,

So, during the last year I have had my fair share of pain. I had a discussion with a friend of mine who is also in a disaster of a marriage. We look around us and all we see is misery. Having done a lot of work and psychotherapy ourselves, we ended up that there is a possibility that we subconsciously gravitate towards these people because we have also had failed marriages. And decided to look for people who have had happy fulfilling relationships and use those as a template to find a future relationship, as we currently have no good examples.

So…I would like to hear from MNs who are in happy relationships:

1. how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?
2. how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?
3. what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?
4. how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?

Is there such a thing as a happy marriage and a secure relationship? I want to know it exists and do the work with myself to gravitate towards one. But I want to find a good new template to look up to.

1. When we met we were in our mid twenties and very laid back. We fancied each other and found each other really funny so thought we’d “see how it goes”. Twenty years, two kids and a dog later and I still fancy him and find him hilarious. He grew up with a shit dad but wonderful mum; he became everything his dad wasn’t. My parents were in love and happy for 45 years until death.
2. He is my biggest fan and supporter. He goes out of his way to make me happy and help me make myself happy.
3. Sex always has been great. As we’ve got older there is less of it (average is probably once a week) but the quality is still there.
4. With family problems that don’t involve us both it’s always been about being a united front, knowing we have each other’s backs. When we’ve gone through issues in our relationship we’ve always kept the respect so it becomes “this behaviour is a problem” rather than YOU are.

1. how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?

we were friends for a few years before we got together and had seen eachother struggle in previous relationships so knew each others recent history.

1. how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?

great, we don’t always get it right for eachother but we’re now at the point where we can step away and be honest without attacking or being defensive. In a recent TV show someone talked about their partner being a feeling and that struck home with me. It feels safe and like home.

1. what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?

comes and goes depending on other things. When you have young kids and you’re knackered all the time, or you’re ill things are less regular but at other times (for us) it’s probably as frequent as when we first met

1. how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?

we’ve had some corkers but willingness to compromise, learning each others coping strategies and working with them rather than competing. Trying to see things from the other persons perspective. Sounds cheesy but love and shared humour

Oh mine is certainly a happy one.

how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?
I looked for one who I shared ideals with such as working, being kind and sweet. I had strict views on what I like and dislike and for me, absolute No's were: anyone who goes out to get shitfaced each week with his mates, football yobs, gym bros, the religious, Chavy types who wouldn't stand out in an episode of Shameless, long term unemployed and men with kids.

Do you think that your upbringing played a role?
Yes. My mum gravitates towards mean, nasty, violent drunks who have affairs. She blames her own upbringing with a similar father and said it was inevitable. Sister and I intentionally proved her wrong as we both went for the opposite and would not put up with men like our father and stepfathers. Any hint of that and they hit the kerb.

• how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?
Great.

• what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime? Yes but you can always bring it back. We lost it for years (after baby2) and lived as best friends who snuggled and kissed. When my libido decided to make a comeback I initiated a lot more, made an effort to compliment DH consistently, made him feel wanted physically and made him feel good about himself and that translated to a happy sex life again. As a result, he mirrored the way I treated him. It's a conscious effort and my complimenting and physical touching of him became natural, everyday behaviour that neither of us wanted to stop.
• how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?
We talk every single day. We spend time together. Popping to the shop? I'll hop in the car and come with. He's playing on the Xbox? I'll sit on the other side of the sofa curled up with a book. We talk about work, friends, family, colleagues, even what the batty lady who runs the greengrocers has been up to this week... anything and everything really.

Playing the Diet Coke ad music when DH is stripping off his clothes for bed is always good for a laugh when I'm ogling his lovely middle aged dad body and letting him know about it.

We take few things seriously if we can help it. Laughing together is probably the greatest advice I can offer. There really is little reason in life to be all stern and serious and grown up about if you can help it. Act like a twat at home. Be silly with the kids or each other. Let the kids call you "cringe" and "lame bruh" for acting like a loon. Secretly they reckon mum and dad are "slay" and have "skibidi Ohio Rizz", ya know. 🙄

Oh and we've been together for over 20 years now. Cant see why we won't be doubling or if we live long enough, tripling it.

Yes- I adore my husband and he does me, we've been married for 13 years.

To answer your questions:

• I was very picky choosing a husband. I came from a broken home and didn't want that for my own family so I wanted to be certain the person I married would give me the best shot at this. Previous relationship had red flags and I had told him to never propose as I wouldn't accept. My DH comes from a broken home too and so a long and successful marriage was important to us both having not seen it first hand.
• I love going to my DH to discuss any issues and to chat. He's very supportive, as am I and I feel we're intellectually on a par. I've never had much family support so it's refreshing to have his.
• Of course sex life changes over the years. We definitely had a drier spell when the kids were much smaller and we were exhausted. Now the kids are a little older we've definitely reignited things more but it does require effort (more so on my part) to keep this going. We try to do the odd weekends away and underwear etc. which helps.
• Like everyone we have challenges and marriage isn't easy but we communicate how we feel. Not always on the heat of an argument but afterwards we reflect and go over things. Communication really is key.

The last thing I would add is that life and marriage can both be hard. We work as a team to get through life. Sometimes one of us is putting in more, sometimes it's the other but we always try to work towards the same goal as one another and be kind along the way.

Interesting that you are more likely to remain together if your parents stay together.

My parents did, but (to my teenage eyes) seemed to loathe each other and derive no joy or affection or even friendship from their marriage. I concluded they stayed together only through financial necessity and were miserable.

I've never met anyone I wanted to spend my life with. Working to ensure every day is positive and happy for myself and my ds seems much more sensible (and much more likely to succeed) than giving someone else the deciding vote on whether that is so.

I think that’s interesting and I do think that people might look at our relationship at times and think that of us. The reality is that the stuff that might bother other people about him doesn’t bother me so much and vice versa. I’m pretty impulsive and chaotic and my ex hated that, to the extent of being quite abusive at times. DH can be lazy and grumpy which his ex struggled with. We love eachother not just in spite of these things but because of them. Our shared humour means we can laugh at eachother and ourselves and if either of us get too much we can say and the other will step up / out of it for a bit.
I think it probably helps that we both realise that we’re not perfect and know our faults but I’m sure that some people would look at us and make the same assumptions as you. In fact a lot of people assumed we wouldn’t last because we’re very different. I think it used to bother us, but now we don’t care, they’re entitled to their opinion and we’re very happy so it doesn’t matter.

Edit - I’m also very clear that I don’t need him, I want him in my life but I know I’d be fine without him which possibly helps.

DH and I have a wonderful marriage. We’ve been together for 24+ years after having been close friends for a few years before dating ( sleeping with each other and moving in together).

So…I would like to hear from MNs who are in happy relationships:

1. how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?

We were in our early twenties and we were not looking for long-term partners. We fell in love and it happened to work out.

1. how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?

It feels amazing.

1. what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?

Sex is very important, although we have gone through periods of not having sex (e.g after having a baby periods of mourning and stress).

1. how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?

We fundamentally respect and care for each other . We try to talk through problems and we try to have respectful arguments/disagreements. For me it’s important for us not to try and intentionally hurt my husband’s feelings and to recognize when I do - and acknowledge that. So we sometimes fight but we are usually able to talk through problems.

We did see a couples counselor about 10 years ago during a particularly stressful time in our lives. I’m not sure how useful it was.

DH and I are very different but we have shared interests and values/morals. And we support each others various interests and ambitions.

You need to be similar - background, brains, salary etc.

All this opposite attracts rubbish doesn't work in the real world.

I disagree to a certain extent with that. Our backgrounds are very different, we’ve earned differently throughout our lives, our personalities are very different but politically and intellectually we’re similar and our humour is similar. We’ve been married 25 years, together a few years more than that and friends for even longer. We balance eachother out in many ways.

I disagree. Incomes may change over time, especially if you meet a partner when you’re younger.
However, having shared core values, ethics and morals is key.
And respecting each other’s intelligence/ talents.

Married 26 years.

1 Met mid 20s, married late 20s. Similar values but not much in common. Makes me laugh, we enjoy each others company. He had bad role models- his parents had 7 marriages between them. He didn't want kids but that was a must for me so we discussed before marriage. We have 2 great children. He is a great dad.

2 He is incredibly supportive. It is a proper partnership. I gave up a secure job to start a business when kids were v small snd has supported through various qualifications. He also took on my extended family.

3 Ebbs and flows due to illness but lots of affection whatever is going on. Sometimes it feels like a cycle - you like and love them vs you tolerate and love them but as long as there still is love. It usually relates to what else is going on jn life - long marriages have seen a lot, its whether you are prepared to weather it through together.

4 We want to stay together. We have learnt to talk about difficult things. We've been through lots of tough times and it's brought intimacy rather than distance. Most things are get through able and the alternative would be worse.

Your values need to be the same. Someone from my background would probably not work for me; I am fairly westernised and someone from my wealthy asian family background would probably have a fairly imposing MIL. My sister has also opted for a fellow doctor but he is from a poor background (like my DH).

I would agree with similar education. Similar income- a lot of it depends also on the individual's choice. Two law school graduates- both could have a similar level of intelligence but if one opts for legal aid and the other opts to go for a magic circle law firm, their incomes would be hugely different but I don't believe they are incompatible. In fact I would even argue that a lot of the good husbands and wives out there are snapped up in their early and mid 20s and objectively for most it would be hard to predict their projected income in their 50s...

I m going to agree with that. Bt ofncourse there is lots more into it as well (values, views about life etc). And things do change over time.

In theory, DH wasn't a wise choice when we got together. I'd just broken up with my long-term ex. DH was 5 years younger and 23, not experienced when it came to relationships. He was a party animal and a bit of a loose canon. He certainly wasn't looking to settle down.
However, 22 years later we're still together, married with two children and very happy.
I don't want to give a Disney version of our relationship. Sometimes we irritate each other, sometimes I can't keep up with his endless energy but generally we work well together. He's a decent man, a real family man who puts us first. He is always calm and reasonable.
As for sex, I'm perimenopausal and always exhausted. He has an exhausting job so is often quite drained too. I'd say we have sex about twice a month. It's still good.
I don't believe in soul mates.I think in reality there are millions of people you could be happy with (and many nore you'd be unhappy with). It's about finding someone who's kind and decent and who wants the same things in life as you. It's essential to be on the same path.

The opposites attract thing is interesting. My partner is far more chatty and outgoing than me . But we have a shared interest in travel . Both my parents were very introverted, so I think it does our children good to see someone more extroverted.

@MaxTalk "You need to be similar - background, brains, salary etc."

I disagree here.

I think shared attitudes and values are incredibly important. But from my own experience, background and salary aren't-but there needs to be tolerance and understanding.

I once read that a successful long term relationship is when the meh and good days out number the bad.

I forgot one thing-some shared cultural reference points. Not necessarily initially-but a willingness to at least try each other's choice of books, music, films....

While I do see plenty of marriages like that around, and I would agree they are crap and I would not be willing to stay in a relationship like that, I also see many happy marriages where that is not true.
I am in one, 25 years last month and neither of us would be willing to put up with crap from the other.
Just in my family I see good marriages that don't follow that stereotype in my brother, my dh's brother and sister, my parents, and my grandparents (when they were alive)
I can think of many people I know that have similar long happy relationships.

I have read this view quite often on here, whenever long, happy marriages are talked about, it is a sad cynical point of view and just makes me sad that you do not know anyone in a long term happy marriage.

opposites attract - it does depend what you mean by opposite. Some opposites make a very poor match and others complement each other.

Personally I think a shared value system is pretty important and shared intelligence level.
But many couples do have a chatty one and a quiet one. Or come from 2 different cultures or backgrounds and there is no reason that that can't work and add interest to the relationship.

But being with someone who doesn't value what you value, or who wants to be out every night while you want to curl up on the sofa is going to cause tension.

Some opposites are a death knell. Very different sex drives. One partner not wanting kids that sort of thing.

I think for a relationship to succesd there has to be compatibilty in three things:

1. Emotional: share same values, respect, listen to each other. Express affection and love. Talk when there are problems.
2. Intellectual compatibility: learn from each other. Grow together. Admire each other
3. Sexual compatibility: desire each other, similar libidos.

I think these are the main 3 areas a couple should be compatible. Not perfect. But mostly compatible. Otherwise it’s not possible for the relationship to work.

Also add another thing- compatibilty in term of expectations/standards.

I know a woman who is very much in love with her DH, even telling me once that he 'was the news' when he was working as a broadcast journalist. They had the picture perfect wedding (cost tens of thousands), got a cute dog, rented a huge apartment, had a baby

Five years on, he has lost 2 jobs as a journalist (probably not his fault if I am charitable, its a tough industry) and is now a real estate agent (commission only). They are living with his mother and he is telling her it is only for a year. She doesn't believe that and who can blame her, i asked him what his plans were and he said he wanted to get an interest free mortgage from the hebrew free loan society to fund his future home. They don't have the dog anymore.

I think if I was her, i would be pretty disillusioned. There will be many more obstacles ahead, just like there is for most couples who don't earn a great deal and have children.

Its important not to lower your expectations but it is also important to be realistic about what your partner can achieve and not romanticize it. When I met my DH, he was a poor university student and couldn't even afford lunch, he grew up on free school meals (though was living with his mum in London so that arrangement did have the potential to continue), his mum didn't even give him bus fare to go to school when he was 11. I had no reason to believe I would have a luxurious life being married to him as even though we read law at a good university, he wasn't on track to win a training contract at a magic circle law firm. So I didn't expect it and while he now works in banking and we own a flat in London and can cover our expenses, it was a hard slog at times as was expected if you marry someone from a poor background and don't ask for help from your own family. He had issues with anxiety in law school as well, which has also persisted in his career, though he does get help with that, i am also supportive of that because I knew about it from the start and he was always transparent.

That’s why I think it’s stupid marrying for money. I would much rather prefer someone who has values and is hard working. I also think that it’s really important that the woman also has a career and the couple shares responsibilities at home.

That woman has a career but two jobs just doesn't cut it in today's economy if there is high rent and a baby.

That is something lots of people face but it will break apart marriages if both parties are not transparent about what they can provide. It will otherwise just lead to a lot of disappointment on both sides.