Are there happy fulfilling marriages/long term relationships?

[Christl78]

Hi all,

So, during the last year I have had my fair share of pain. I had a discussion with a friend of mine who is also in a disaster of a marriage. We look around us and all we see is misery. Having done a lot of work and psychotherapy ourselves, we ended up that there is a possibility that we subconsciously gravitate towards these people because we have also had failed marriages. And decided to look for people who have had happy fulfilling relationships and use those as a template to find a future relationship, as we currently have no good examples.

So…I would like to hear from MNs who are in happy relationships:

1. how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?
2. how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?
3. what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?
4. how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?

Is there such a thing as a happy marriage and a secure relationship? I want to know it exists and do the work with myself to gravitate towards one. But I want to find a good new template to look up to.

How did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject "bad apples“? Do you think that your upbringing played a role? I went online and he was the first one to make contact. I had no expectations of it lasting or becoming a serious relationship but just kept taking things as they went. My mum and dad split when I was 4 or so and I am glad they did: all I remember was them arguing and some of them were spectacular! Mum's relationship with T was similar to how mine is now, though I didn't go out looking for that specifically. It's just worked out like that.

How does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually? I don't really know because it is just normal. I am more highly educated but we're of a similar intelligence level, though we rarely have those deep discussions I read about on here; instead we talk about music or the weather or whatever. If I've had a shit day at work, he makes me a cup of tea, gives me a cuddle if I want one, and lets me have time to chill before coming at me with household stuff.

What about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime? Ours has always been up and down according to hormones, depression, children, work etc.

How did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives? Wider family support, NHS counselling for pnd and medication for anxiety, having a laugh. Him more so than me but we're both very laid-back and a lot of things we just say ffs and get on with it.

I absolutely agree, the vast majority of long term married couples I know are genuinely happy.
I do know a few where if they had their time again they wouldn’t be together but have been together so long that change is a scarier prospect than staying together with one person always compromising. So I do acknowledge they exist. They certainly the minority though, like I said the vast majority are like my husband and I best friends as well as lovers who thoroughly enjoy each others company.

I hope this is true. I see the opposite. And couples who I thought were perfectly happy it transapired that inside everything was rotten. Why people have to pretend that much and to whom I don’t know.
I m sure there are happy couples and I would like to find a few in real life which I can look up to.

What I see as key from the posts so far is working as a team and maintaining a healthy sexual life. I also see that the upbringing plays an important role as well as when both parents work and share responsibilities. Seems to me that this kind of dynamic provides the template for a healthier relationship.

It is probably a case of like finds like.

We gravitate to people like ourselves so most of the relationships we see are like ours. Those that aren’t we naturally distance ourselves from.

Happily married 10 years, have 2 children.

• how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?

I met my husband kind of late I was already over 30. I had already had some failed relationships and bad dating experience. I had a history of choosing the wrong person, ignoring toxic traits, always putting others before my own needs. I met my husband by chance, he was amazing, clever, kind. Something snapped. I didn't know my 'criteria' really until it was right in front of me. I think having had bad experiences helped me learn what I wanted (and didn't want!) - hardworking and kind, emotionally intelligent, funny. I wasn't bothered about other things such as a house, car etc, we could work for these together. I laid it on the line on early and told him all the things I wanted from a relationship, from life (a happy respectful marriage, kids, career fulfilment) and that I wasn't prepared to go any further with anyone who had reservations about any of this. My upbringing definitely played a role. My parents both have difficult stubborn and somewhat narcissistic personalities, they divorced before I was 5. Neither were great parents, they had a lot of resentment for what I'd robbed them of. I wanted the opposite of what they had given me.

• how does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?

Amazing, my husband has supported me through so much. I never had this support before I met him. It is wonderful and has made me stronger and more accomplished. I have achieved more in my career since being together and he has been my biggest supporter.

• what about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime

It's still great after 10 years, although sometimes a bit less frequent! Youngest is still in our room so that doesn't help but we are happily working on it ;)

• how did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?

We have had our fair share of struggles just like everyone else. A few years ago we lost 3 babies in a row. They were all silent miscarriages. I would continue to have pregnancy symptoms and test positive only to have it broken to me at a scan that our baby had died. I had to have surgery each time. It was truly heartbreaking. We were trying for our second so had to keep a brave face for our 3 year old. But the whole experience made us stronger, we realised how precious life is. We try to communicate how we are feeling and are open and honest with each other. We view each of us as equal in the relationship. He has his career and I have mine. He is very supportive of me going out with my friends occasionally and will watch the kids. I try to reciprocate, he has sport hobbies that he's into and will go and enjoy that.

@KevinDeBrioche I would partly agree with that- I would also say I think a lot of this is totally about your expectations- and those expectations being in line on both sides. I know very many long marriages back in my hometown ( midlands mining town) and they seem perfectly happy if I'm honest - but their expectations in life and relationships are clearly different from my own since I moved away at 29 - I only have to look at their 60 something husbands ( and there are very few exceptions) who don't giveashit about their weight, appearance , personal hygiene are down the pub 3 nights a week on their own and expect everything domestic done for them , even when no longer working . ive simply got a different mindset but im sure many of those mumsnetters would say they were happy- because their expectations are in line. I remember when I split up with ex h at 28 my grandma asking me why as the way she saw it 'he doesn't hit you, he's good looking and he doesn't keep you short of money' -

Haha - that made me laugh.
It reminds me my mum who was telling me that “our generation of women was able to hold a marriage together”. And I was like “Mum! Your generation was putting up with being a cleaner/nanny/chef/psychotherapist/slave and turned a blind eye on whatever you husband did!”.
I don’t think that a woman in today’s society would tolerate this.

Don’t be deceived by what you think are long term happy marriages… I know of many who are having affairs/issues but on appearances would seem like the ideal couple.
perception seems to be everything…

@Christl78 and you are correct- not always the case but certainly was almost always the case in the area I was brought up in -

how did you choose a good husband /wife? What were your criteria and how did you reject „bad apples“?Do you think that your upbringing played a role?

I stopped looking for a partner that shared my interests, and starting looking for one that shared my values & goals instead. I grew up in an abusive home (my father was violent toward my mother but only occasionally us, emotionally abusive toward all of us all of the time). I’m not sure that it played a role insofar as having a good family model, but it definitely resulted in my being cautious and slow to trust. Partner patiently waited for me to work through that and gain my trust.

How does it feel to be supported emotionally and intellectually?

Not sure about intellectually… I would say one of us is more academically intelligent whereas the other is very talented creatively, so we complement each other in that way. It feels good to feel completely supported emotionally, it’s something I’ve never really felt before, I believe my partner feels the same way.

What about sex? Is it true that it always dies after sometime?

Not for us. It’s less frequent 7 years in with an 18 month old, but still regular and every bit as enjoyable.

How did you overcome problems in your marriage/family lives?

If it’s a problem facing both of us then we tackle it as a team. If it’s an argument between us then we talk about it until it’s resolved / we feel better… we never resort to name calling or cruelty, storm out, ignore calls/texts, or go to bed on an argument. Never going to bed on an argument is an oldie but a goldie. It really works.

Hi op, I’m nearly 30 years into my relationship and DH and I remain happy.

1. We met in school and have been together since
2. We went through uni together and got exactly the same job, and earn the same. We are true equals. We have a lot to chat about because of our jobs. And emotionally he is very kind and considerate and loving, so it feels settled and comfortable.
3. We still have sex regularly. At least once a week if we’re busy, but more often around three times. He’s very generous. I like to surprise him in nice lingerie or tease him with texts through the day to keep things interesting. We both make an effort. We have both looked after ourselves and each fancy the other.
4. We fall out a few times a year at most. Usually when I am angry just before my cycle and I’m just grouchy. It’ll usually be over something really stupid, like him leaving his shoes out or having not noticed the dishwasher needs emptying. I normally instigate this type of argument and he will normally end it, usually by making me laugh, doing whatever needed doing and then giving me hugs. He’s incredibly laid back and it takes a lot to make him cross.

I feel lucky as well as happy and secure. I often wonder if we are in a matrix living a pre-programmed life and I chose this, which is why I get to be happy. I see misery around me, but that’s not real, it’s just part of a programme.

At the same time though, I can get fearful that with feelings of such happiness and love, the fall could be so so great. Imagine the shock if he does one day cheat, or God forbid falls devastatingly ill before his time, or perhaps I do. I also feel strongly that I have a lot to lose.

Wow girl! That’s real love ❤️. 3 times per week after 30 years? Great.
May I ask your family backgrounds? Is there someone youbised as a template gor a lovong relationship? Also, do you have kids?

I completely agree with that. So many marriages I thought were perfect were actually so rotten in reality.
That’s why I asked for personal experiences and when I get a “everyone around me is in happy loving marriage” I get like “are you sure? You might be surprised”.

Yes I am one of those rare happy married people!

1. We were friends for many years before it became a relationship. This took some work on my part (and lots of wine) to get out of the friend-zone. By this time we knew each other very well and had met each others families, etc. I think my upbringing helped as my parents were also happily married and had a supportive and healthy/egalitarian relationship
2. It feels safe and secure. Gives me lots of confidence and peace.
3. We need to schedule it because of family life but yes it still happens and is still great.
4. We have had difficulties and the early years were hard. I am a fan of self-help books which we both have read and found useful. Now we are both better communicators and use a lot of humour to de-escalate situations.

I wonder OP what life phase you are in ? I think the years of young babies/toddlers/early parenting is the hardest. My friend once said that she "didn't know anyone with children under 5 who didn't hate their husband" haha! Some people make it out of that phase unscathed, others don't.

My parents were childhood sweethearts who stayed together. My husband lost his father to illness when he was just a child.
Both sets of my grandparents were in what looked to be loving long relationships.
I didn’t really look to any of them particularly, but they were all happy and I didn’t go into my relationship with preconceived ideas about cheating men, as I’d never experienced it.

My husband also hadn’t experienced cheating family members, but due to death. He had however experienced plenty of other ACEs I won’t go into, his life was hard, and when he was pulled into my family, who looked after him and bought him things (my parents) and treated him with respect and kindness, I think he fell in love with them as much. From his teens, he formed strong bonds with my grandparents in particular and loved them very much.