Partner away a lot

[MissHemsworth]

Met my current partner nearly two years ago via OLD. He's lovely. He's funny, kind, caring, supportive gets on well with the kids etc.

Here comes the but....he goes away for pleasure a lot. This year he's been to America three times, Germany with mates, he's off to Cyprus soon with mates and is also planning a canal/barge holiday. He went to Bali not long ago also. He'll often sack off work and go fishing for the day. He goes away with work a lot also but will extend the trip by a week or so, so that he can have a holiday as well. He goes out with mates a lot too.

This is obviously how he likes to live his life which is fair enough however he's had a string of unsuccessful relationships and from snippets of what he's said I'm wondering if this behaviour is a contributing factor.

My issue is that I'm a single parent doing nearly 100% childcare, working a low paid job to fit around school hours as well as a masters degree. I have previously been in a financially controlling and abusive relationship and currently going through a messy divorce. I have no money, no spare time and no freedom. We have very different lifestyles and I'm starting to feel the resentment creeping in which I don't want, hence the reason I'm posting. I just wanted others thoughts on how I can move past this?

For context he's got two kids (teenagers) and is keen for us to all move in together once my divorce is finalised. However I can't help but feel that he wants his cake and is eating it with the partner/kids at home and living life as a single man, or am I being controlling and jealous? If you've got this far thank you, I would really appreciate your thoughts on this!

He probably does want the convenience of you being there and him having a cheap place to live subsidised by you.

It's quite simple to say no to living together for the foreseeable future as you and your DC need to keep your home just you guys for now.

He may be future faking anyway.

There is no reason for him to know when your decree absolute comes through.

Why is he saying he wants to move in when your divorce comes through rather than now.

Thanks for your reply.

He'd happily move in together now. It's me that's not keen, I just don't want to. I'm certain he's not future faking as he's lived with partners previously (then a massive upheaval when the relationship goes wrong). It's not something that I want to put my kids through.

We'll just tell him it's not happening until your kids are all adults. He's hardly coming across as the steady, invested family man.

Sounds like a potential cock lodger tbh.

Yes I think it's something I had decided on tbf. In all fairness he earns good money and I'm on minimum wage/a student so I don't see how he's going to financially benefit from us moving in together anyway. It's more that he wants 'the wife and kids at home' and yet live life like a single man.

It doesn't sit right with me and his attitude towards this life is quite entitled.

It's only been 2 years, why the rush? Sounds like another man who wants a live in nanny, house keeper, sex provider, personal chef. Put your foot down and say no moving in together until your youngest leaves home, and if they leave home at 26 so be it. Lots of people have happy relationships without living together. So sick of these men trying to sponge off women.

It's not going to work out if your lifestyles are so different. He won't suddenly stop all this travelling to be home with you so you end up being alone.

I've made it clear to him that I'm in no rush for us to move in together.

Yes exactly. If I bring it up he gets defensive so we can't even talk about it. He thinks it's normal to have travelled the amount that he has (despite having two kids). I don't know many men in their 40s who have been to the states (for pleasure and without kids/family) as many times as him.

I can't see this working as a relationship.

Are you just supposed to sit at home while he spends so much time away enjoying a single life style?

I really don't see there is any benefit to you. But a lot of benefits for him.

Log he's not happy or comfortable to have a grown up conversation about how it's going to work with his lifestyle, then you'll really struggle when it comes to having a conversation about finances and the dc. , sounds like he wants you to move in but on his terms and he doesn't even have the decency to discuss these terms with you.

I wouldn’t jump from finalising your divorce to moving into a blended family. It’s not really fair to impose this on them and it sounds like you will be doing all of the housework / childcare. In addition to this, sounds like you haven’t had a honeymoon period with him if he’s always away and you have your Dc all of the time, I’m a single parent too and I would not consider this arrangement ( it does sound more like an arrangement than you guys want to be together ect). He might be exploring your vulnerable position and you need to focus on completing your masters so you have a better independent life for your dc and yourself - looking after his teenagers is not going to enrich your life in any shape or form. He sounds like a man child tbh.

Throw this one back, he won't change and you'll end up home alone with the kids, keeping the house whilst he continues to go out and live as a single man.

You deserve much better.

He does sound like a man child and I wonder if he’s even noticed that you’re a single mum, studying and exhausted whilst he’s gallivanting having a lovely time. I would say 🚩- fine to have a light relationship with someone like this but he keeps running away from ‘life’ and responsibility. Why wouldn’t he want to take his kids to all these places as well? Somethings not right.

How old are his kids? And how much time does he spend with them, seeing as he works, spends all his annual leave on boys holidays and sees you, I can't imagine he sees them much.

If they're adults in their own home, that's one thing, but if they're still children (who he barely sees) then it's quite possible he wants to set up home with you, leave his kids in your care while he takes his holidays (& pays less maintenance 🤷‍♀️).

He does not sound like a suitable "partner" at all. He sounds like a man living his own life and visiting you for sex and food when he wants.

@buttonsB4 they are teens not adults.

Do not let this playboy traveller move in with you.
Protect your children from that scenario.
I think you will live to regret it if you do.
Listen to what we are telling you.

Do you ever holiday together? A hostelling trip to Wales or whatever?

How often do his kids stay with him?

OP, I wonder how much time you and he actually spend together if he goes way so much and extends work trips into holidays too.

If your circumstances mean you can't join him ever then surely you're just incompatible? It might be why previous relationships failed but that doesn't really matter. It's how you feel in your relationship that matters. I just can't see how this would work in the long term.

He does not sound like a suitable "partner" at all. He sounds like a man living his own life and visiting you for sex and food when he wants.

I agree. It sounds like this is a relationship of convenience for him. Not a budding life partner.

If I bring it up he gets defensive so we can't even talk about it. He thinks it's normal to have travelled the amount that he has (despite having two kids)

Well this is making it even worse. He will feel forced to reduce travelling and then ends up resenting you and that's the end of that. So no point to continue this relationship.

He wants to travel and if he has the time and money there’s nothing stopping him. You don’t have the time or money so can’t join him. I think that’s the problem isn’t it? Not that he travels, but that you can’t.

I can't imagine why you would even consider this set up! He would have everything to gain and you'd have everything to lose. He sounds like an entitled manchild and you'd end up just being his housekeeper with benefits ( for him!) whilst he just carries on his current lifestyle. Prioritise yourself and your children and either make it clear that's how it will be until they are adults or even better dump him.

What sort of high income job comes with that much annual leave? Assuming he's self employed to have so much freedom to travel.

Would be concerned about how little he has his teenagers or how much he provides for them as he prioritises boys holidays (so uncomfortable in a man over 25).

You can do better OP, casual date this one if you enjoy it but a grown up would be better long term.

I don't think his lifestyle is unreasonable tbh, I wish I could afford to travel more, but your lifestyle isn't unreasonable either and your making the best of your situation. I think I would find it difficult that I wasn't apart of the life he had abroad and would be a bit meh about hearing him forever plan his next trip.

Out of interest when he isn't travelling is he happy to fit in to your lifestyle? And do things you can afford or is that challenging too?

Thank you for all of the responses.

Just to answer a few questions he supposedly has them 50:50 but his ex seems happy to have them more to facilitate his lifestyle. We have had a few weekends away together yes. It's almost like he has to have a trip planned to look forward to at all times.

You have all made me feel as though I am valid in feeling unsettled at his behaviour, and just to reiterate I have NO intention of moving on with him, it's him that is pushing this!