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Original poster

Partner away a lot

105 replies

MissHemsworth · 17/09/2024 05:52

Met my current partner nearly two years ago via OLD. He's lovely. He's funny, kind, caring, supportive gets on well with the kids etc.

Here comes the but....he goes away for pleasure a lot. This year he's been to America three times, Germany with mates, he's off to Cyprus soon with mates and is also planning a canal/barge holiday. He went to Bali not long ago also. He'll often sack off work and go fishing for the day. He goes away with work a lot also but will extend the trip by a week or so, so that he can have a holiday as well. He goes out with mates a lot too.

This is obviously how he likes to live his life which is fair enough however he's had a string of unsuccessful relationships and from snippets of what he's said I'm wondering if this behaviour is a contributing factor.

My issue is that I'm a single parent doing nearly 100% childcare, working a low paid job to fit around school hours as well as a masters degree. I have previously been in a financially controlling and abusive relationship and currently going through a messy divorce. I have no money, no spare time and no freedom. We have very different lifestyles and I'm starting to feel the resentment creeping in which I don't want, hence the reason I'm posting. I just wanted others thoughts on how I can move past this?

For context he's got two kids (teenagers) and is keen for us to all move in together once my divorce is finalised. However I can't help but feel that he wants his cake and is eating it with the partner/kids at home and living life as a single man, or am I being controlling and jealous? If you've got this far thank you, I would really appreciate your thoughts on this!

OP posts:
buttonsB4 · 17/09/2024 07:50

I couldn't respect a man who chooses to spend so little time with his kids let alone date him.

If he's away with work, he shouldn't be extending his time away, he should be racing back to parent his children. They should be his number 1 priority. What a loser.

Original poster
MissHemsworth · 17/09/2024 07:53

aCatCalledFawkes · 17/09/2024 07:46

I don't think his lifestyle is unreasonable tbh, I wish I could afford to travel more, but your lifestyle isn't unreasonable either and your making the best of your situation. I think I would find it difficult that I wasn't apart of the life he had abroad and would be a bit meh about hearing him forever plan his next trip.

Out of interest when he isn't travelling is he happy to fit in to your lifestyle? And do things you can afford or is that challenging too?

I wish I could travel more too! That's part of the problem I think I'm secretly jealous!

However the time he spends/has spent away from his kids doesn't sit right with me. Yet he boasts and flexes about his travelling adventures which just leaves me unimpressed tbh.

OP posts:
Howdull · 17/09/2024 07:53

You've had some really really good advice on this thread OP. There's nothing more for me to add really.

Just enjoy dating him. No need to move in together.

The only thing I would say to watch out for is that once he realises he's probably not going to be able to move in with you, he might start casting his net again, whilst still seeing you.

aCatCalledFawkes · 17/09/2024 07:57

MissHemsworth · 17/09/2024 07:53

I wish I could travel more too! That's part of the problem I think I'm secretly jealous!

However the time he spends/has spent away from his kids doesn't sit right with me. Yet he boasts and flexes about his travelling adventures which just leaves me unimpressed tbh.

Show quote history

Yep my exhusband has quite a nice lifestyle. When he was moaning at our daughter that she cost a lot of money (were paying for driving lessons atm), she started listing all the things he could cut back on including holidays to which is replied "I've got to have a life too"......yep he has a life for a while now, many many long haul trips and only one weekend a year with her🙄

DatingDinosaur · 17/09/2024 08:02

Doesn't sound like he's ready to settle yet. I don't mean he'll be cheating but he's still living and loving the bachelor life.

If he doesn't want to give that up or be willing to compromise in some way then you're mismatched in terms of future expectations.

Cupooee · 17/09/2024 08:07

Lets be clear here OP, he is a very selfish man.

A shit father whose ex has had to pick up the parenting load when he heads off on his jaunts.

You living with him would end up as skivvy aupair to his house and probably double your work load as his children might well want to stay.

Unpaid housekeeper is what he wants.

Him shutting you down is the real him.
Its no doubt why his marriage and other relationships have failed.

He will never change.
Do not make the huge mistake of thinking he will.

Move on is my advice.

MissAshworth · 17/09/2024 08:08

Yuck this would be a big, fat no from me. Throw him back to the sea.

SheilaFentiman · 17/09/2024 08:14

His ex May or may not be happy to have them more, or she may have got weary of arguing over it, or the kids (at their ages) May prefer to be home with mum than living with travel obsessed dad banging on about his next break.

I wonder if he has suggested to mum that, since they are teens, it’s ok if they are alone at his when he is abroad and she’s said “hell no” - hence the drive to move in?!

TipsyJoker · 17/09/2024 08:14

MissHemsworth · 17/09/2024 06:18

Yes I think it's something I had decided on tbf. In all fairness he earns good money and I'm on minimum wage/a student so I don't see how he's going to financially benefit from us moving in together anyway. It's more that he wants 'the wife and kids at home' and yet live life like a single man.

It doesn't sit right with me and his attitude towards this life is quite entitled.

What do you mean his attitude towards this life is quite entitled?

SheilaFentiman · 17/09/2024 08:18

TipsyJoker · 17/09/2024 08:14

What do you mean his attitude towards this life is quite entitled?

Show quote history

Putting words into OP’s mouth… but there’s a thread at the moment about a pregnant woman with a non sleeping 2 year old whose husband still thinks he gets to spend all weekend going for solo runs because they are good for him… ignoring that she’s on her knees with exhaustion

this guy seems to have some of the same thing - he “deserves” these holidays, in his mind. And forget his kids or his partner who he claims to want to live with but doesn’t want to be around to suppprt through di once etc

rainbowstardrops · 17/09/2024 08:23

He wants to lead a singles lifestyle but with the benefit of having someone waiting for him at home between his trips. Has he said he'll settle down if he moved in? I doubt he would! You'd still be sat there not being able to afford to travel with the added 'bonus' of looking after his children too. No thanks!

tribpot · 17/09/2024 08:31

How can someone who's away this much possibly be doing 50:50 parenting? Even if this were technically true based on the number of nights in a year the kids sleep at his house, it certainly isn't practically true. There's no way he's doing half the school runs, half the parents' evenings, half the doctors appointments, buying half the clothes, helping with half the homework, doing half of running the kids around to clubs and friends etc. Because he's not bloody there - he's out of the country for weeks at a time.

When you say he sacks off work to go fishing, do you mean he calls in sick?

There's nothing wrong with his lifestyle - for a single person with no dependents. But he isn't.

Original poster
MissHemsworth · 17/09/2024 08:45

rainbowstardrops · 17/09/2024 08:23

He wants to lead a singles lifestyle but with the benefit of having someone waiting for him at home between his trips. Has he said he'll settle down if he moved in? I doubt he would! You'd still be sat there not being able to afford to travel with the added 'bonus' of looking after his children too. No thanks!

No he hasn't said that because in his head there's nothing wrong with his lifestyle! It's almost as though he feels entitled to do all of this travelling and when challenged over it he gets very stroppy and defensive. All of the above are also part of the problem.

OP posts:
DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 17/09/2024 08:46

You just sound incompatible, OP.

Financially incompatible - it’s really hard to get a relationship off the ground when there is a big disparity in income, because when you don’t have any commitments to each other the richer person isn’t obliged to be subbing the poorer one, though it would be nice if he treated you now and again.

More importantly, your priorities and values are incompatible.

If you’re at a point in your life where a casual relationship is all you want, keep seeing him if you can ignore/manage the incompatibilities.

If you want a partner who you could in time live with and integrate into your family life, you need to end this and be free to meet someone more compatible with that aim.

Original poster
MissHemsworth · 17/09/2024 08:47

rainbowstardrops · 17/09/2024 08:23

He wants to lead a singles lifestyle but with the benefit of having someone waiting for him at home between his trips. Has he said he'll settle down if he moved in? I doubt he would! You'd still be sat there not being able to afford to travel with the added 'bonus' of looking after his children too. No thanks!

Yes, this hits the nail on the head.

OP posts:
imverynosey · 17/09/2024 09:04

He should be spoiling you and taking YOU on holiday with the kids surely? I'm with you here OP

imverynosey · 17/09/2024 09:05

Certainly should not be making you feel resentment. Your feelings are definitely valid I'd feel envious if it was me, but if he was including you and spoiling you too , you wouldn't feel resentment or envy

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 17/09/2024 09:08

imverynosey · 17/09/2024 09:04

He should be spoiling you and taking YOU on holiday with the kids surely? I'm with you here OP

It would be nice, and generous, if he did this, but he doesn’t have any financial obligations to OP and to be fair to her, while she is understandably envious (and recognises this would be a bad situation if living together) she is not suggesting he should be paying for her and her kids to travel beyond their means.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 17/09/2024 09:14

Does he expect you to look after his dc whilst he's on these trips?

rwalker · 17/09/2024 09:16

This is 100%not going to work this has been his lifestyle for years by the sound of it which there is absolutely nothing wrong with

the difference in your lifestyles are too extreme

don’t know why people think his motive is for you to look after his kids and finance him he’s manage perfectly well now

you can’t step up to match his lifestyle and I think after travelling for years like he has he’d be bored shitless if he stopped

PoachesPeaches · 17/09/2024 09:28

I think you like the idea of him and got sucked in sorry. He sounds like a shit dad.

Kids are only young once. One childhood and he doesn't prioritise them.

SheilaFentiman · 17/09/2024 10:04

rwalker · 17/09/2024 09:16

This is 100%not going to work this has been his lifestyle for years by the sound of it which there is absolutely nothing wrong with

the difference in your lifestyles are too extreme

don’t know why people think his motive is for you to look after his kids and finance him he’s manage perfectly well now

you can’t step up to match his lifestyle and I think after travelling for years like he has he’d be bored shitless if he stopped

There is something wrong with it, if he has committed to 50:50 but isn't doing it because he's away too often.

Wishimaywishimight · 17/09/2024 10:33

I think it's unfair to call him "entitled" because he chooses to live as he does. Why shouldn't he?

Your mistake would be living with him. Imagine watching him go off on his travels while you are stuck at home with HIS kids.

I don't see this working long term, you are just too different.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 17/09/2024 11:23

Wishimaywishimight · 17/09/2024 10:33

I think it's unfair to call him "entitled" because he chooses to live as he does. Why shouldn't he?

Your mistake would be living with him. Imagine watching him go off on his travels while you are stuck at home with HIS kids.

I don't see this working long term, you are just too different.

The fact he doesn't parent his own kids in favour of buggering off on his own/with mates instead makes him entitled in my book

JasmineTea11 · 17/09/2024 11:25

Your lives sound totally incompatible. Definitely do not move in with him and become his domestic support system. Thing is, he has probably noted that you're good at that.