Partner away a lot

[MissHemsworth]

Met my current partner nearly two years ago via OLD. He's lovely. He's funny, kind, caring, supportive gets on well with the kids etc.

Here comes the but....he goes away for pleasure a lot. This year he's been to America three times, Germany with mates, he's off to Cyprus soon with mates and is also planning a canal/barge holiday. He went to Bali not long ago also. He'll often sack off work and go fishing for the day. He goes away with work a lot also but will extend the trip by a week or so, so that he can have a holiday as well. He goes out with mates a lot too.

This is obviously how he likes to live his life which is fair enough however he's had a string of unsuccessful relationships and from snippets of what he's said I'm wondering if this behaviour is a contributing factor.

My issue is that I'm a single parent doing nearly 100% childcare, working a low paid job to fit around school hours as well as a masters degree. I have previously been in a financially controlling and abusive relationship and currently going through a messy divorce. I have no money, no spare time and no freedom. We have very different lifestyles and I'm starting to feel the resentment creeping in which I don't want, hence the reason I'm posting. I just wanted others thoughts on how I can move past this?

For context he's got two kids (teenagers) and is keen for us to all move in together once my divorce is finalised. However I can't help but feel that he wants his cake and is eating it with the partner/kids at home and living life as a single man, or am I being controlling and jealous? If you've got this far thank you, I would really appreciate your thoughts on this!

I have said this to him, he gets defensive and is adamant that it's normal to have travelled as much as he has.

He resents his parents for not taking him abroad, but it doesn't sound as if he ever takes his teens abroad. Ick!

I think his selfish unbending manchild ways are exactly why his relationships never last.

I have a friend who is a father who is similar. Not in terms of travel but in terms of seeing mates all the time, needing to do what he wants when he wants it, limiting time with any girlfriends, struggling with the constraint on his time that work exerts. I don’t personally think he is capable of a committed adult relationship at this time. He just doesn’t seem to understand the responsibilities involved. He’s a lovely guy which perhaps makes it harder to recognise the selfishness.

Living the life your partner is living sounds fine, providing you are not expecting someone to sit at home waiting for you when you deign to give them some time. If you continue with this it will be all give on your part & no take. If you’re happy with a FWB type relationship that’s fine, but it sounds like you want more. He also sounds like he isn’t prioritising his children, he’s prioritising himself - which is a red flag to me.

You’re a much better person than me. I’m aware there are people who travel that frequently and I’m pleased for them from afar. Very far. I would end up green with envy and rotten with resentment if my partner had that lifestyle and I had the constraints you have.

I hope you can work it out but maybe the timing is wrong for your relationship. Can you keep going until you have your masters and your child is older and you might be able to globe trot with him?

He doesn't sound like a person capable of 'partnership' in the true meaning of the word - being alongside, sharing life's joys and burdens

It's not normal unless you work in the travel industry or have to travel on business a lot. What he's doing is running away from himself. Instead of doing the soul searching he needs in order to grow up, he is using these trips as an escape. He's escaping his responsibilities to his kids as well and his responsibilities to you as a partner. No wonder women keep leaving him.

he's had a string of unsuccessful relationships and from snippets of what he's said I'm wondering if this behaviour is a contributing factor

No doubt.

He must either be very rich, or spending an unwise amount of money to fit in that much travelling in 1 year. Foreign flights like that are expensive.

It feels to me like you're more like an add-on, an accessory in his life, and that he represents a much greater part of your emotional landscape than you do in his.

There are plenty of men out there who want to live the lifestyle of eternal bachelors, always having holidays with their mates....but while also having a little wifey at home who they never prioritise and don't spend a lot of quality time with.

They spend most weekends golfing, gaming or cycling, whilst their partners get lonelier and lonelier. They gaslight her into believing that practically living separate lives is normal and that it's her fault she doesn't have enough friends.

In reality, her main use is sex, a nice person to cuddle when they're bored, someone to make them dinner, someone to show up to weddings with (if that suits them), and someone to provide them emotional support (which they never full reciprocate).

Careful you don't end up with one of them. They might have lovely manners, are charming, pleasant company to be around occasionally, but your cup will never feel full with them, and you will never be their priority. They're users.

what would the benefit be for you to move in together? I don’t think there would be any. For him yes: a cook, a housekeeper, someone to keep an eye on his kids when he’s away… for you all of this on top of your already busy life, as well as navigating a blended family and kids who are possibly resentful that they always have to share their life with someone who isn’t their mum /dad.
Don’t move in together. Keep your own place, it’ll give you a peaceful place to study and be with your kid. You can always meet up with your boyfriend for sex and emotional support if he can give you that.

The question is what kind of relationship do YOU want? Nothing wrong with him traveling, but is this the kind of relationship you want? He will likely keep traveling and keep doing a lot of solo activities. You will be home alone with kids. Are you ok with that?

What's the essence of having a partner or husband, if it isn't to do life TOGETHER with the person? How's he in a supposedly committed relationship with you but gets to travel and enjoy experiences alone, while you struggle with your kids and finances? Why are you with someone who's making no effort to make life easier for you, given the fact that they clearly have the financial capacity to do so? Of what use is he to you in the grand scheme of things? Seems to me he just wants to be a single man and not a committed present partner! Blaming his parents at his big age ewwwwww please grow up sir🙄

He has his life, you have yours, and sometimes you do stuff together. That's not a partner. That's just a boyfriend.

If he was a good man (but divorced dad and desire to travel), he would:

• reduce the travelling and have his children 50/50
• take his children on holiday
• take you on holiday
• no whingeing about his parents

But instead, he’s selfish, childish and thoughtless. Horrible! Get rid.

He's getting a bit of a slagging off on here but as far as I can see, other than the negative impact his frequent flying is having on the environment, he doesn't seem to be doing too much wrong to me.

Why shouldn't he travel if he wants to? It doesn't sound like OP wants him to be around all the time - she doesn't want to live with him, so what does it matter if during the time she doesn't live with him he is enjoying himself on a holiday rather than sitting alone in his house?

I don't think there is a "normal" correct amount of travel for a man his age to be doing that he is some how exceeding. It's not a moral crime to like holidays. (As I said, environmental impact aside - that's the only bit I judge him on).

It would be nice if he paid for OP to accompany him on some of these trips, but in fairness she won't commit to him by moving in (which is 100% fine - she isn't obliged to) - he may not want to spend ££££ on a woman who may not be fully committed to him.

Well he is entitled to do it, so why should he pretend that he isn't?

If he is shirking his responsibility to his kids, that it their mother's concern to sort out with him - is she troubled by it?

I'd get incredibly stroppy and defensive if my husband (who I live with) told me I wasn't entitled to take trips on my own/with friends that I pay for. Obviously I sort out travel dates with my daughter's father - he's the only one I share a child with, and therefore the only one whose "permission" is needed. (Not permission exactly - wrong word - but obviously we plan around each other due to childcare).

I think the key thing is would you be invited if you were free to join him and had childcare? If not then it'll never work, if yes then he's not doing much wrong

Also if he moves in his income will impact what child benefits and uc you get

@Ilovelurchers I haven't once indicated that he requires permission from me. I'm very wary of this as I know it will eventually harbour resentment. His ex wife is very accommodating and easy going, she's a high earner (like him) but he gives her money anyway (so I wonder if this is why she's so accommodating however it's none of my business!) but she definitely has the kids more than him.

Honestly there’s millions of other men just chose a different one

how would a relationship work with someone who’s lifestyles are so different !

Yes of course he's entitled to travel. However I think he's wanting his cake as eating it. Ie. Living life like a single man but with the benefits of having a wife and kids at home. He's the one putting the pressure on to move in together. I think I just wanted other peoples thoughts on that as I don't want to commit to a man who's away a lot. I've been there/done that with my ex husband and it's a lonely and isolating lifestyle. There's also an element of control to it as they know you're 'safe' (stuck) at home with the kids.

You’re 4 pages into the thread now - and your arguing with people about how he shouldn’t be travelling so much and putting pressure on you to move in - that he’s controlling

if that’s how you feel why are you still considering being together with him sounds like you’ve already made up your mind

Yes good point. I think that the main thing that this thread has highlighted (to me) is how we are massively incompatible in many ways. Not just ways I've put on here. Non of which are too much of an issue at present however if we moved in together they would be.

I always wonder on threads like this how he would react to you travelling or being away as much. When your dc are adults and YOU decided to see friends, help people out etc and it meant you weee away as much, how do you think he'd react?

@JustWalkingTheDogs I have also wondered this too. None of his exes liked travelling and apparently had no friends either, so it's not something he's experienced. I love travelling and have lots of friends but don't have the funds or freedom to travel or go out much.

@MissHemsworth what is your partners reasoning behind moving in together?
Also, does he act like a partner instead of a boyfriend?
For me a partner helps out, looks after you when you are sick, makes future plans, goes on dates, talks to you for hours, is your go to person through thick and thin. Is he any of these things. Does he give you a lot of love and affection? can you work through arguements ( if you have any part from this one?)

Have you asked him how it would work when/if you moved in together?
As others have said, while there is no full commitment from you he may well be happy to continue living a single lifestyle. Without having a conversation (that isn’t a criticism of what he’s doing) about what that would look like if you lived together, how do you know it would continue? Would the trips then become family holidays? Would he go on fewer? Have you said ‘actually I don’t want to live with someone who is away that much’ to know what his response would be?