Partner away a lot

[MissHemsworth]

Met my current partner nearly two years ago via OLD. He's lovely. He's funny, kind, caring, supportive gets on well with the kids etc.

Here comes the but....he goes away for pleasure a lot. This year he's been to America three times, Germany with mates, he's off to Cyprus soon with mates and is also planning a canal/barge holiday. He went to Bali not long ago also. He'll often sack off work and go fishing for the day. He goes away with work a lot also but will extend the trip by a week or so, so that he can have a holiday as well. He goes out with mates a lot too.

This is obviously how he likes to live his life which is fair enough however he's had a string of unsuccessful relationships and from snippets of what he's said I'm wondering if this behaviour is a contributing factor.

My issue is that I'm a single parent doing nearly 100% childcare, working a low paid job to fit around school hours as well as a masters degree. I have previously been in a financially controlling and abusive relationship and currently going through a messy divorce. I have no money, no spare time and no freedom. We have very different lifestyles and I'm starting to feel the resentment creeping in which I don't want, hence the reason I'm posting. I just wanted others thoughts on how I can move past this?

For context he's got two kids (teenagers) and is keen for us to all move in together once my divorce is finalised. However I can't help but feel that he wants his cake and is eating it with the partner/kids at home and living life as a single man, or am I being controlling and jealous? If you've got this far thank you, I would really appreciate your thoughts on this!

Now you have come to the realisation of why he's single, and why he has a history of short relationships. Not many women would put up with this. You probably have just because, if he wasn't around, your life would be similar as a single parent, so not a lot has changed for you presently.
So far you are ideal for him given your restrictive circumstances, he knows you are busy at home, going nowhere, and a safe pair of hands, while he can go off and do what he likes. As you are tied, and don't have the means to contribute, he is never even going to have to deal with you asking to go with him, so it's perfect for him to keep his lifestyle the same.
If he'd dated a woman with less ties and more means, they would be asking him to come along, to which he'd most likely, and probably would, say no, as its 'lads hols'. This would piss off any woman with independence, and they would either see things as pointless and dump. Or, while he's away, be off themselves with their friends, going out and such, and meeting along the way other men who would give them more attention and the time of day.
So, it's a woman in your circumstances who is ideal for him, however, he's far from ideal for any woman.
Don't be his ideal at your expense, find someone more attentive. This man is too blinkered, doesn't care what any woman in a relationship wants, as long as he's happy, that's all that counts.

he wants his cake and is eating it with the partner/kids at home and living life as a single man

You've nailed it yourself. He will do fuck all in the home and will piss off whenever he wants to, leaving the kids with you. He wants a maid he also has sex with. His life will be easier and yours will be harder, and he will see this as completely fine. Don't move in with him.

Perhaps entitled is the wrong word. However he resentment towards his parents because he didn't go abroad until he was a teenager. He brings this up regularly. Also if we see somewhere on TV for example that he hasn't been to he'll make a comment that indicates that he's hard done by/it's unfair that he hasn't been there. I can't help noticing this behaviour as I didn't go abroad until I was a teen (family simply couldn't afford it) and there are LOADS of places I haven't been but would love to go to.

Yes I don't want us to be in a position where I am pressuring him to travel less, I expect he'd hate it and would end up resenting me, which I don't want.

He does often expect me to be ready and waiting for him upon his return because he's missed me, which I'm not. I have a very busy and fulfilling life which carries on even when he's not there!

"He does often expect me to be ready and waiting for him upon his return because he's missed me, which I'm not. I have a very busy and fulfilling life which carries on even when he's not there!"

I think it's things like this which back up your use of the world 'entitlement'!

I wonder if he realises that, if you were to move in together (I know you won't!) then you would be parenting and getting on with other aspects of your life a lot of the time...

That's a good point actually! Speaking with them I think they prefer to be at their mums.

The Kevin-the-teenager attitude that it's so unfair that there are places in the world he hasn't visited is both deeply unattractive and a symptom of a bigger problem I think.

I don't think this one's a keeper. Fundamentally he's not suited to being in a relationship.

I have just got out of a very similar relationship.
I expressed my concerns early on and was reassured that these things were pre booked but once out of the way he’d be around more- this of course never happened. And I felt like a nag tbh.
it was just simply that our life’s didn’t align and that’s okay.
he’s now met someone wonderful and they both travel together. I have also met someone amazing and we’re both homebodies. Don’t stress it OP :)

For the few positive factors you mentioned, there seems to be an awful lot of negative ones. I honestly can't see anyone sticking with him too long, especially if he's not willing to share his lifestyle. Who on earth wants to sit home struggling for money whilst he's living his best life on a sun lounger somewhere fancy 🤣🤣🤣

This isn't a relationship of equals. Like many have said his lifestyle would be okay if he was free and single but he's not. He has two children and a partner! It's not fair for him to live the fun life in the relationship if you don't get the same opportunities for weekends/time away too. Definitely don't move in with him and if he can't even discuss it from your point of view without being defensive, be prepared to move on.

For pleasure indeed or so it seems

He has 50:50 custody, presumably it's in his off time he goes travelling or it's rearranged accordingly.

Of course the question of him giving that up seems unlikely. Being shackled to younger kids that aren't your own 24/7 is a bit different to chilling in Bali with mates.

What exactly are you gaining from this relationship because I’ll be honest it doesn’t sound like anything

Tbh, he doesn’t really sound lovely, caring and kind. Not deep down - not in a meaningful way. All that time away and apparently never with his DCs. He sounds rather selfish and immature.

The idea of regarding life as unfair because he didn’t go abroad until he was a teenager and there are places he hasn’t been is actually pathetic. Has he seen what’s going on in the world!?!? He sounds naturally very dissatisfied. He’s too selfish to maintain a relationship. That’s why they’ve all fallen apart before now.

He's having a great time, doing exactly what he wants. He's hoping to continue that by setting up home with you, whereafter he'll be even more free to please himself. Go figure.

@rainbowstardrops echoes my thoughts exactly. I can see why moving in would work for him, but it doesn't promise anything beneficial for you.

I think that when you love someone you want to spend your time with them, you want to travel to new places together so that you can share the experiences and build memories. While trips with the lads every now and then would be fun, I wouldn't want to do them to the exclusion of my partner. I couldn't be the rich gallivanting one, while I left Cinderella at home, expecting her to enjoy hearing my tall tales when I got home. That is shit partnering

You both sound completely mis-matched tbh.
You could talk to him about it. If you basically told him what you wrote on your OP, that might help him to understand your position.

Clearly you don’t want inhibit him from living his life, but if that means it won’t work for you, you need to know sooner rather than later!

Good luck xx

🚩 You are a single parent, studying and all the rest while he is showing you what he prioritises (living fun, free, responsibility-less life while his ex covers his childcare responsibilities to facilitate the travel)....just no. Throw this one back and block. Make space for someone who wants to build a life together rather than Peter-Pan-ing and is supportive of you.

The double standards on here are always amusing, if the roles were reversed, not sure anyone would be suggesting she pay for him and his kids to go on holiday, Especially when they have only known each other for 2 years and not even living together.

I think the bottomline is where is the relationship heading long term, he obviously enjoys travelling and has gotten used to that lifestyle, personally don't see anything wrong with that, but if he wants to build long term future he can't continue to live like a bachelor.

He's using you, OP. There is no excuse for forcing you to do everything so he can bugger off to enjoy himself.
He absolutely wants to live as a single man, but with you to do the grunt work at home.
You are settling for less than you deserve and he is unlikely to change.

Perhaps entitled is the wrong word. However he resentment towards his parents because he didn't go abroad until he was a teenager. He brings this up regularly. Also if we see somewhere on TV for example that he hasn't been to he'll make a comment that indicates that he's hard done by/it's unfair that he hasn't been there.

Entitled is the right word. He feels hard done by because he can't get absolutely everything he wants.
Most people on the planet either never or hardly ever get a chance to go abroad, and this guy is moaning because he hasn't been everywhere, because after all, he is owed that. His parents owed him and now you owe him. 🙄
E.n.t.i.t.l.e.d.

Because he has a partner, that's why. He can live as he chooses, but has no right to expect a partner to just deal with being left alone.
He believes he can show her no consideration, yet wants her waiting for him when he comes back from his many trips. She's supposed to put her life on hold while he swans about the world pleasing himself.
She's stated his whiny attitude about travelling, too. He complains, feels sorry for himself and says it's unfair that he hasn't been to all the places he'd like. He even resents his parents for not taking him abroad when he was a child.
He is pretty much the definition of entitled.

I'm happy for you that you've moved on! Did you move in together before you split?

Ha ha Peter Pan springs to mind with me too! He's already sowing the seeds to visit a mate in Spain saying he's having a hard time and never gets a lie in so he wants to go over and help him out (said mate has young kids and a dog apparently so doesn't EVER get a lie in).