I am sexually bored/ her low libido?

[DoctorLondon]

I cannot put my finger on it. I usually would be put off by someone who has had a lot of sexual partners but in our 30s/40s, I looked past it as I assume we usually are past that phase by this age(I did).

Back story: My partner(f37) has had what I later found to be a high number of sexual partners, she cheated on all the relationships for what she said was boredom, at times with married people. she did not see anything wrong with it until her 30s and never managed to hold onto a relationship past a year until me.

Issue: We live together, planning a wedding and 1 child in. Sex decreased drastically 5 months in and 1 child later, it's even worse(twice a month) and when it happens I feel like it's done to please me only. I am now doing all in my power to pleasure myself than to go elsewhere because I feel committed, especially with a child in the picture.

I have talked about this issue and How i am unhappy and this always results in sex being "given to me ", again, I say so as it feels like it's only being done to shut me up or keep me around and moan-free. She has given low drive as an issue for her but we have only been together for 2 years.

Question: From this, would you say she is bored as she always did in other relationships? what would you do in my case?

Sexual connection is a big part for me because I have a high drive and lack off it makes me feel distant and even more so, lately I feel like I am unattractive to her(I am no Brad pitt but I am not bad either to be honest and I have always been confident until now, in 40 years)

Your OP makes me cringe. You looked past her past, how magnanimous of you.

Maybe she tired with a baby and she thought she found someone where it wasn't all about sex and she didn't have to try to make herself feel that sex was the only way to be close to someone, she's trying to build a family with you and your going on about her past.
I'm always suspicious of men who talk about there "high sex drive", like that means they are entitled to it, you should probably see a counsellor to talk that through so you can understand that is not your partners problem.

It's weird how, instead of offering OP feedback, certain posters with very male personas are instead criticising other people's feedback, and this isn't limited to this thread. I'm a man, but at least I'm honest about it.

Well then it’s you that are misogynistic for believing that all women are carbon copies of each other, with no differences of opinion- clearly you don’t think women have integrity or depth to see character and judge it from their own value system. It puzzles me a lot with this site that so many women on here have different advice depending on the gender of the person they are speaking to. Majority of women on here would suddenly have a value system, and be telling another woman to leave a man that had cheated on every partner they had ever had, and had gone from one woman to the next. Some of us don’t see the gender, just the issues, and the character of the person being discussed. These women will of course remain silent when asked if they would marry a man who had had only very short term liaisons, and cheated on every single relationship, with those relationships all lasting less than a year. A shame that women can’t speak out with a different opinion without being called a man 🙄

It’s pretty normal as others have said to lose your drive when you’ve got a young baby / child. You are often touched out by the end of the day. Duty sex isn’t good for either couple, but many people do get past this phase when the baby gets a bit older. So guess it’s up to you if you stick at it or not.

Saying you would not be interested in dating a person who had X amount of lovers is a far cry from saying all people who have had X amount of lovers are of bad character. So you have backpedalled on that statement then. Good. It was wrong.

Don't give a shit if it makes sense to you. It's the truth.
Take a look: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/apr/25/woman-who-invented-incel-movement-interview-toronto-attack

As I say, it was a term commandeered by men.

Because to me I don’t consider their character worth investing in romantically, of course I know others will disagree- we all have our own thoughts on these things

Sadly no, it has turned out to be people debating each other. As a man, I should have known I wouldn't stand a chance of my point of view being seen and being given rational responses . Silly me

No plans to go to work ,i do alright so some people who suggested that maybe she is tired did not consider that as I did not say it first .

Thanks your good response btw, some just came off one sided in their response

Wow. I’m afraid that women are not here just to validate your point of view, and will ‘sadly’ tell you exactly what they think of how you come across and where you are going wrong. In the posts that you know, you wrote? Some posts are a bit sarcastic, because you are being a bit ridiculous.

If you want things to change you need to be able to see your wife’s point of view, and that is what the majority of the (irrational according to you, how lovely of you) responses are offering you the chance to do, but sadly for both of you, that seems beyond you.

If we remove all the justified snark, the advice boils down to this:

Her past sexual history and libido is irrelevant.

Tiredness is a libido killer, as are young kids.

Doing more around the house including childcare will make her less tired.

Be kind, listen to her, support her and spend time together without the expectation of sex.

This might not lead to more sex, but it will lead to a happier DW, which is good in itself.

And keep on wanking, you hero!

It wouldn’t be the same though because he wouldn’t have recently given birth tbf.

@Parisianparty have you had kids? Were you exhausted? Did your libido suffer? I mean, as a woman, I would have thought you’d understand quite how gendered this post is, rather than suggesting it has the slightest thing to do with OH’s previous sexual history.

I have talked about this issue and How i am unhappy and this always results in sex being "given to me ", again, I say so as it feels like it's only being done to shut me up or keep me around and moan-free. She has given low drive as an issue for her but we have only been together for 2 years.

So what have you done to fulfil her needs and help her feel desire for sex with you? What has she told you she needs? Or did you just want her to put on a more convincing performance with no effort from you?

Also Op, I think you need to keep in mind that this is nature. I know were used to only hearing about mens natural desires and drives when it comes to sex, but women have them too and not wanting sex when you have a small baby is perfectly normal, it’s natures contraception. If you look to other apes, they don’t have sex for years after having a baby, because that ensures the best chances of survival for the young. It’s naturally hardwired into us. A little empathy and understanding for that wouldn’t hurt you.

Yes I’ve had kids, no my libido wasn’t affected, I did have to recover from an operation for a short while and received a lot of understanding, but my desire was still strong, because I loved that guy and always wanted to feel close to him. Probably because sex and love go together for me and it was meaningful in various ways? I do think sexual history plays a massive role in terms of insight into what sex actually means, continuing desire for a partner in many cases, whether someone gets “bored” I never for a second for bored of my partner or wanted to shag anyone else, because I hadn’t shagged a load of guys in my past. To me it was a me and him thing, he wasn’t just the latest on a long list. Different perspectives. My girlfriends who were promiscuous when they were young are the only ones that talk about men in a sexual way/ talk about being tempted by other guys/ get bored in their relationships, so I think it’s totally valid to state that.

And? Address your post to the person who was throwing the word incel around, what’s it got to do with me?

I am now doing all in my power to pleasure myself than to go elsewhere because I feel committed, especially with a child in the picture. - wow, that's big of you.

Actually OP you have recieved some useful insight into what the reasons may be behind your wife's libido, I also gave you advice without blame. Seems you have just picked up on the negative responses. Ignore the two arguing between themselves and listen to what other people are saying. Like I said before, if you had ED it would be a normal biological thing, and not because you aren't attracted to your partner. So you need to understand that a woman's libido esepcually after recently having a child can also wain, it doesn't necessarily affect on you. Read the advice on here and talk to her.

@Parisianparty

Are you still derailing this thread trying to create your own echo chamber.

Let it go or at least create your own thread, see who wants to chat to you and offer the OP the chance to claim back his own thread.

This is why you have annoyed people. We caught the sexist attitude in your first post and now you're doing it again; "As a man I should have known these women would be irrational." 🙄
You won't take any responsibility for this sexist, condescending tone. All these people are not imagining it or being irrational.
If you had told the same story without the patting yourself on the back for overlooking the number of lovers she has had and masturbating instead of cheating, the response would have been different. So don't whine. You created the problem.

These male posters are so identikit similar in their issue. Usually a long contextual post but it doesn’t matter how much they’ve got going on or how knackered/ill/beautiful/loyal their wives are, it all boils down to them and their dick. Even if they have kids. Nothing is more important than them getting their dick wet. Utterly predictable every time.

I think its an extremely tacky description that suggests humans are goods
in and market of relationships.
It comes straight from America and pick up / dating culture and marketing.
A culture that knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Sorry that you are hyperventilating over someone having a different opinion to you…just crack on with your own opinions and scroll past comments that don’t agree with you.

So you’ve not listened to any of the advice or responses about what happens to women’s bodies after pregnancy and childbirth?

And it’s women’s fault for not being “rational“ when they’ve given you authentic responses about sex after pregnancy and childbirth?

Your poor wife.