I am sexually bored/ her low libido?

[DoctorLondon]

I cannot put my finger on it. I usually would be put off by someone who has had a lot of sexual partners but in our 30s/40s, I looked past it as I assume we usually are past that phase by this age(I did).

Back story: My partner(f37) has had what I later found to be a high number of sexual partners, she cheated on all the relationships for what she said was boredom, at times with married people. she did not see anything wrong with it until her 30s and never managed to hold onto a relationship past a year until me.

Issue: We live together, planning a wedding and 1 child in. Sex decreased drastically 5 months in and 1 child later, it's even worse(twice a month) and when it happens I feel like it's done to please me only. I am now doing all in my power to pleasure myself than to go elsewhere because I feel committed, especially with a child in the picture.

I have talked about this issue and How i am unhappy and this always results in sex being "given to me ", again, I say so as it feels like it's only being done to shut me up or keep me around and moan-free. She has given low drive as an issue for her but we have only been together for 2 years.

Question: From this, would you say she is bored as she always did in other relationships? what would you do in my case?

Sexual connection is a big part for me because I have a high drive and lack off it makes me feel distant and even more so, lately I feel like I am unattractive to her(I am no Brad pitt but I am not bad either to be honest and I have always been confident until now, in 40 years)

I love that you think this constitutes pulling your weight with a young child in the house. Let me guess you take the bins out too.

Nice to see you back op. I’d love to see your response to this excellent post, and some
of the others handing you your arse. Have you learned anything from these responses? Anything to reflect on here for you? After all that’s why you posted, isn’t it?

Def thinking that won't happen at this pace. I would never do it if I am not atleast 90% happy in all ways.

@DoctorLondon And your child?

Have you actually talked to her about her low drive and what's causing it? It could be a multitude of things- dont just assume she's bored of you because she's had lots of partners- that doesn't mean anything. Be open and honest but also gentle I.e. iv noticed your not your usual self especially when it comes to intimacy, why do you think that is? Is there anything I can do to help, let's work through this together. Don't make it about you and your feelings of being rejected, but try to understand why she feels the way she does. Put yourself in your shoes, if you suffered from ED (you're getting to an age where it could probably happen) then it would be something biological out of your control and not because you are bored with your partner

I do and I am a lifelong feminist. As the poster you are responding to explained, it's about quality of character. There are low quality men and low quality women. I would, however, be more likely to say low quality person rather than woman, because of the way it might come across to some people. I think that might be what's bothering you. If she had said low quality person, would you feel the same way?
I would also agree with the assessment that the OP's bride to be, because of all her cheating, does not sound like a quality person, but neither does the OP since he seems to think he deserves a medal for overlooking the number of lovers she has had and for masturbating instead of cheating.
They should not get married IMO. It has disaster written all over it.

"I usually would be put off by someone who has had a lot of sexual partners"

"I have a past also hence not judging it negatively"

Your words. Usually a hippocrit much? Clearly you have double standards. Having said that, maybe she does get bored of shagging the same person after a relatively short period of time, and the only reason she's stuck it out longer is that you got her pregnant in a short period of time - never a wise move. Or, having a baby has affected her libido - unless it was already waning prior to pregnancy.
You find out the reason by asking her, but either way, doesn't sound like either of you are in a happy place about it, so getting married, just because you have a DC together is a bad idea. I hope she has plans to go back to work after mat leave, as babies cost, cute though they are.

I’ve used the terms “low quality partner”, “low quality woman”, and “low quality man”. The poster is desperately looking for a misogynistic angle- and yet there isn’t one, but it is all she has. My very first mention of low quality was this comment:

You can’t make a silk purse out of a sows ear, same as you can’t go for a low quality partner and expect high quality results.

I believe on Mumsnet, that some women struggle with their own choices and character and can’t stand the reality of how others might see them/refer to them, but character is important to many, and choices someone has made, are a part of someone character. Things like how many lovers someone has had, the ability to sustain a relationship, whether they are faithful, are all part of character. These same women would be the first to name call any man with similar credentials. Therefore I don’t even focus on gender, and I don’t change my stance based on whether the poster is a woman or a man. They are 100% misandrists who dislike men and don’t hold women to the same standard that they hold men to, and this is an issue they will have to resolve as they are the ones obsessed with gender.

As for the poster saying he’s tempted but he is not going anywhere else- he is simply being honest. For many people , having what is more like a platonic relationship with their spouse, kills off that connection and can lead to temptation, and the need to feel loved and desired, and feeling permanently horny and rejected and unnattractive is not a nice feeling. No wonder he’s concerned that he’s just one on a long list that she had lost interest in, maybe he’s even concerned old patterns will emerge and she will cheat. So why so many nasty comments about him wanking and medals? He’s come here for help, lots of men would just be off shagging someone else. Honestly I don’t know why men even bother posting here, they are never going to get the care shown to them that they would get if they were a woman

You can't carry on like this. Sounds like you do a fair amount at home as well as go to work.

It's well known that women often go off sex after a baby, if she's up at night she's probably shattered.

Can you arrange a date night once a wk or every few weeks with the intention of spending time just the two of you and revisiting what it was that first attracted you to each other? Maybe you need to get to know each other as people again not just as parents? Sorry if that sounds clichéd but there was obviously an attraction to begin with so you could work at finding it again.

Make her feel valued and cherished, do something nice for her, pour her a bubble bath, give her a massage, or a foot rub, buy her a suprise present. Make her feel cared for, she may have lost her identity a bit since becoming a mother, find a way to show her you care about her and see her as an amazing, beautiful woman not just 'mum'.

A woman invented inceldom for women who struggle to get partners.
Men commandeered it.

So, you're wrong

and @Parisianparty you don’t sound like a woman………

Indeed, @greenwoodentablelegs

It quacks like a duck and unsurprisingly, it certainly is a duck.

I used to go 3 months in a previous relationship and I was miserable. I'd hate sex as little as twice a month. Just because some people are fine with twice a month doesn't mean everyone should be satisfied with that.

How old is baby?? How much parenting do you do?? As a women with a high sex drive pre child I will honestly say the first 2 years of my child's life I was exhausted! That said, said child is now 4, and my sex drive is now back with force...how ever I'm the one left high and dry!

Why does it upset you so much that there are plenty of women out there who disagree with you….nothing short of delusional. Some of us have a decent level of standards and expectations in a partner. I think OP was stupid to think he could have anything long lasting with this woman, based on her track record.

You would be lying if you say you wouldn’t think the exact same as me if the person posting was a woman. There is a difference between women who don’t discriminate based on gender, and have values and principles, and women steeped in misandry, that change their advice depending on the persons gender. I have 6 brothers, I would hate for them to end up with a woman like this. Just as they would hate me to end up with a man like that!

This makes no sense to me- I wasn’t throwing the word Incel around, and I really don’t care about woke language and terminology. From what I can see the term incel is insulting, and the men that people call incels have an insulting attitude. Incel is as offensive as calling a slut a slut- and I have no problem calling promiscuous men and women sluts, so I guess we all have our offensive terminology to describe very real character flaws

Countingcactus
“I am now doing all in my power to pleasure myself than to go elsewhere”

Wow. Give this guy a medal 🥇

I know right.
He's wanking.... not all hero's wear capes.

😂 @Sorenlorrenson

I agreed with the first part of your post, but the MRA tangent about "misandry" is off putting and not accurate IMO. He got skewered because he acted like having a wank was a huge sacrifice and bragged about how generous he was to overlook the number of lovers she has had.
The number of lovers has nothing to do with character if both parties are single. In this case she was cheating, so that is a character issue. Having a lot of lovers is not, unless you think having a strong sexual appetite is in itself immoral. I do not.
You seem to think the OP deserves credit for not cheating. That seems somewhat hypocritical to me, given your stance on the woman's cheating.

People are often harsh towards other women on MN as well. If you've been here any length of time you must have noticed that. It's the internet. It's full of cranky people. It's not a conspiracy against men.
I didn't care for his virtue signalling tone and I thought the heroic wanking thing was funny as hell, as did others.

😄
Great comeback.

So don’t answer. There’s no need to be antagonistic just because you don’t like men being on MN.

@DoctorLondon Your mistake was having a baby so soon with someone who had no experience of long term relationships and was a serial cheat.

That said, all you can really do now is decide what is in the best interests of you and your child.

I disagree that having lots of lovers isn’t a character issue, you can have a strong sexual appetite, but your attitude towards sex and who you have it with, indicates the kind of character you have.

I didn’t say he should be rewarded for not cheating, I said he is confiding in an anonymous forum the temptation that he feels now because of rejection. Would these women say the same things to another woman, about wanking etc? Of course they wouldn’t.

Why is that a character issue? That can only mean you think sex is wrong.

Women don't tend to talk about masturbation and they certainly don't think they deserve credit for doing it instead of cheating, so that's a pointless comparison.

Look, you have your POV on the meaning behind what this guy said, which many others do not share. That does not entitle you to accuse them of misandry.
When your argument is sound you don't need to stop so low as to claim misandry has to be the reason why women object to a post by a man. His post was gross virtue signalling about his heroic masturbation and "acceptance" of her having a lot of lovers. That's how I see it. You obviously are quite judgemental about people who have had a lot of lovers, so it's no wonder that doesn't bother you.
How many lovers does it take to become a character issue to you, anyway? Are we talking single digits, doubles or triples?

I wouldn’t be with someone that thinks of sex causally and hasn’t intended to be with someone long term that they have been having sex with. I do think objectifying people and using them just for sex, and temporarily, speaks to a certain type of character yes, and not one id be interested in investing in

Having had a lot of lovers does not mean they are using people for sex. It can just mean they have dated a lot of people but couldn't find somebody who was right for them. That's what dating is for- to figure out if the person fits into your life. Are you suggesting people should not have sex with those they are dating?
Regarding "using people for sex," if it's mutually agreed on that the relationship is merely sexual, where is the harm? If there is no harm, it is not a reflection on character. However, doing it without informing the other person would be indicative of a character defect.
You didn't answer about the numbers. How many is too many?

Everyone has different standards. I wouldn’t be interested in anyone who hadn’t felt commitment towards someone they were shagging. Dating is to get to know someone but if you haven’t got any feelings for them and shag them, that speaks to me of someone that views sex differently to me, therefore we would be incompatible and it tells me something about their character, something that wouldn’t bother lots of other people- so therefore my opinion wouldn’t matter to them, I just wouldn’t be interested in them romantically