Can physical attraction grow?

[justfindingmyway]

Hi all,

Looking to hear some experiences on this matter if anyone would be kind enough to share.

Had a rough time, I’m 34, was due to be married to a man I loved dearly but realised his aggression and temper towards me were a bad indication for the future given he demanded children as soon as we were married. Ultimately I called it off.

Anyway, a few months back, I bumped into an old colleague at the train station. Lovely man. He’s 39 and fairly recently divorced as his partner is Colombian and decided she wanted to go back home which wasn’t part of their plan.

He is a lovely, genuine and kind man, with a good work ethic, works in the same industry as me and seems to have himself well put together. He’s mentioned that he liked me when we worked together almost 13 years ago and I am getting the impression he is keen to get to know me more.

My issue is, I don’t think I immediately ‘fancy’ him, I don’t get the butterflies and can’t imagine anything intimate with him at this stage. I am however, sure that he is a lovely, sensitive and caring man, and I really value that in him.

I guess I am doubting my own judgement now, as my previous relationships have been wonderful highs but horrid lows. I had one steady one before, but I got bored! So I’m worried about my own habits in choosing partners, given I had a tumultuous childhood.

For those happily with someone, were you immediately physically attracted to them, or did this come later for some of you?

I don’t want to waste his time, but I also would love to explore the idea as we are very compatible.

thank you xx

Can't you just socialize as friends without an end goal in mind? And see what happens.

Personally I think attraction absolutely can grow, and friendship is a really good base for a relationship.
Get to know each other anyway, he sounds like a great guy.
Objectively speaking would you say he's attractive? Even if not your usual 'type'.

I think it can grow. Only one way to find out....

In my experience, yes.

One of my previous boyfriends was someone I'd known for donkeys years. He was a slightly dorky mate. Then we ended up spending a bit more time one on one. Suddenly, pow he was gorgeous.

100% it grows the more you get to know someone the more attracted to them you get.

Ive never fancied anyone I dated instantly. I was friends with all of my LTR’s before we got together including my now ex husband. I knew him for a year or so as a mate and the attraction was a slow grow

For some people attraction is immediate, others it’s a slow burn.

Could be you are not actually ready for any physical stuff? The body keeps the score with traumatic experiences. Maybe if you gently explain you're not in that space, his reaction may be illuminating?

Thanks, I would be thinking this, it’s just he’s expressed an interest. He’s very respectful and knows I’m not in the headspace right now anyway, but I am finding myself thinking about it because he seems keen.

Thanks for responding. It is difficult to say really, he’s well kept, looks after himself etc. Really hard to say what others would think, my friends are all very pretty and would probably say he isn’t. But he certainly isn’t unattractive in my opinion, what I mean is, he is perhaps a ‘normal’ looking guy, with a kind face and nice features. I find myself laughing all the time in his company and just feeling accepted, respected, all the green flags. But I can’t imagine kissing him or having the butterflies. Does that make sense? I don’t want to deprive him of this if that’s how it ‘should’ be, but mindful my previous experiences haven’t been great so I am open to something new this time, more real!

Thank you for sharing. With all my ex’s I’ve had that more immediate ‘grr, want to tear your clothes off’ feeling. Perhaps some will say then it’s obvious he isn’t for me. But two out of three of my previous partners have been very materialistic and self obsessed.

I met DH through mutual friends. I absolutely did not fancy him. He made me laugh loads and was (is!) genuinely kind, thoughtful and respectful. We decided to just spend time together as we were both at a lose end.
We married a year later, 23 years ago. I have never fancied a man so much in my life!!

Thank you and you’re quite right. I have been through a tough time mentally due to my ex finances behaviour, lots of eggshells and anxiety. This guy knows all about it, he’s been so wonderful, really he has. Just kind, reassuring and telling me he’s there and happy to help however he can. You can’t ask for more really, can you? Do you see my dilemma? Really doubting myself here is he is a top guy. Not the most ‘masculine’ man, but I’m very open to this new experience of men.

I love this, thank you so much for sharing. Did you find you were really compatible in terms of your life and goals etc but the immediate attraction wasn’t there? Because that’s how this is; so much aligns for us.

As long as you are not physically repulsed, I think it's worth proactively spending time with him as friends. He knows your current situation so you're not giving him false hope. I believe a point will come where you will know ' no way it's never going to happen ' or yes I fancy him with more certainty.

Laughing together is a great sign. For me, if someone is making me laugh they are half way there!
But we are all different. I, like another poster, am very rarely attracted to someone instantly and certainly not on looks alone.
Edit to say, sorry that makes it sound like I think you are shallow and I don't! Its just to illustrate attraction is very personal.

Same as pp’s, I am not usually physically attracted to people in general, so my experience is different to yours OP.
i didn’t find my partner attractive at all initially, he’s a right gangly geek.

when I get close though I want to have a physical connection, and this often translates into fancying someone. It’s definitely reinforced through having a good time sexually, so in part I fancy my partner (of 30 years) because I associate his body with really good sexual experiences.

i don’t know if the same thing can happen if you’re wired to fancy people immediately. Sounds like it’s worth finding out?

If you fall in love then yes 😊

You see I’ve never had that instant wanting to have sex NOW feeling with someone I haven’t already built a connection to on with so it does depend how you’re wired I suppose.

But friendship is definitely a good starting point and see if anything grows If it does then that’s fantastic but if not then you’ve gained a friend so nothing g lost

I think attraction can grow, but its really dishonest and a shitty thing to do to start a relationship with someone you don't actually fancy.

Just tell this guy that you're not interested in a relationship, but you're happy to be friends.

And then be friends. If your feelings change down the line, then re-evaluate at that point.

I definitely think attraction can grow.

I was originally dating my DH’s best friend, I thought he was gorgeous, but a complete commitmentphobe and broke my heart.

DH on the other hand wasn’t ‘my type’, but he is so kind and emotionally available. 6 years and 3 kids in and I’m having the best sex of my life with the most thoughtful man, who I am grateful for everyday.

Even if you married someone that you initially found attractive, age, weight and time can change that, so physical attraction imo really isn’t as important as how someone treats you.

In my experience yes, it can. I had a boyfriend years ago who I didn't fancy physically at all when I first met him - not my type. But he was funny, and sweet, and we got on well as mates (at uni so spent a lot of time just hanging out) and one night I suddenly realised he was gorgeous. It was fun!

Didn't last obviously, we were very young, but I was so surprised how the attraction grew from nothing to phwoar. But absolutely do not get involved with him unless you do fancy him, that's not fair.

Absolutely that. Treat him as a friend and see how it goes.

Thank you and no I don’t take offence. To be honest, sometimes I think perhaps I can be a little shallow, but I do think I’m a tad influenced by my friends at times, who probably want me to show them a photo of someone and for them to say ‘wow, he’s your type’. But ultimately my support network would hope to see me happy after a tough few years.

i am just so used to the butterflies and all the nervous feelings! This is a new concept for me to have the emotional attraction but not yet a physical one.

Thank you and interesting to hear this perspective. I have to be honest, sex isn’t a huge deal for me at all really. I mean, perhaps that says something about my previous relationship, but I feel very numb towards it. I don’t think I have ever felt an emotional connection during intimacy if I’m being honest, only with kissing someone. I do wonder at times whether I am bending to societal norms. My friends are quite typically pretty by today’s standards, and I have always felt a little ‘different’ in terms of who I am. Perhaps it’s worth exploring as you say. I find emotional connection is much harder to get right with the physical being there as well. I’ve only ever had the latter really, less so the former. I thought I was aligned to my ex until I realised I was in a dangerously manipulative relationship

yes I understand. I’ve not had it instantly, but have had it within perhaps 2 or 3 dates. I’ve known this man on and off for a while on an acquaintance level. So I’m keen to know if it could develop overtime. As you say, perhaps not much to lose here. We have spoken about wanting to do the same sort of life experiences in terms of travel etc so I do hope I am not leading him on.