Can physical attraction grow?

[justfindingmyway]

Hi all,

Looking to hear some experiences on this matter if anyone would be kind enough to share.

Had a rough time, I’m 34, was due to be married to a man I loved dearly but realised his aggression and temper towards me were a bad indication for the future given he demanded children as soon as we were married. Ultimately I called it off.

Anyway, a few months back, I bumped into an old colleague at the train station. Lovely man. He’s 39 and fairly recently divorced as his partner is Colombian and decided she wanted to go back home which wasn’t part of their plan.

He is a lovely, genuine and kind man, with a good work ethic, works in the same industry as me and seems to have himself well put together. He’s mentioned that he liked me when we worked together almost 13 years ago and I am getting the impression he is keen to get to know me more.

My issue is, I don’t think I immediately ‘fancy’ him, I don’t get the butterflies and can’t imagine anything intimate with him at this stage. I am however, sure that he is a lovely, sensitive and caring man, and I really value that in him.

I guess I am doubting my own judgement now, as my previous relationships have been wonderful highs but horrid lows. I had one steady one before, but I got bored! So I’m worried about my own habits in choosing partners, given I had a tumultuous childhood.

For those happily with someone, were you immediately physically attracted to them, or did this come later for some of you?

I don’t want to waste his time, but I also would love to explore the idea as we are very compatible.

thank you xx

This.

From experience.
If anything you will find him less attractive physically as the months and years go by.
However for some people physical attraction is not important. Is it for you, I know it is for me.

I didn't fancy my now DH during the early dates as I needed to get to know him first. I needed to figure out if he had those traits and qualities I was looking for, if he was consistent and would keep our dating going. I needed to
Connect with him on intellectual level first. Something then switched on after some time and I couldn't keep my hands off him.
But I must say if you don't feel like kissing him or him touching you then I doubt that's going to change. Don't try to force it no matter how keen he is.

I mean, at 34 it does feel like a considerable factor. But we all age and I am fairly sure attraction must fade to a degree.

Also, I hope this doesn’t sound arrogant, but I don’t find it too difficult to meet a man. I don’t think I would always turn heads each day but don’t think I am unattractive. However, if I had more trouble in that regard, wouldn’t that mean I’d need to be more open minded anyway?

I am aware this may sound shallow and I’m not meaning to be, so hopefully I don’t cause a stir here.

Yes this is my worry. I just can’t picture it. It’s just disheartening that I can’t as we are really compatible in almost all other ways. And he’s well kept, tidy, smells good, on top of all the emotional side of things. I just don’t have that ‘grr’ feeling towards him!

Yes, in my experience it can most definitely develop and when you're least expecting it.

Like others have said, start with a friendship and see if it develops.

I believe attraction does grow with each glass of vodka.
Other than that NO.

The problem is, the ones I give attractive seem to be missing the really important emotional attributes 😵

OP, you have had a very tough time and clearly tolerated a lot of bullshit before you walked away.

I think you need to reflect on that.
I think the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk would be money well spent.
I think reading "Women who love too much" and "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft could help you grow.
Some counselling wouldn't be a bad idea.

You clearly are a brave woman, you walked away from an awful man, but you really should think of looking after you for a while.

Nothing wrong with explaining to him that you are just out of something and can you hang out as friends.

See how things go.
Will all the twats around, a good kind man is worth giving a chance to.

Where there is huge shared humour and laughter, attraction can definitely grow.

I am married decades and my husband is never more attractive than when he has me cackling out loud.
Fortunately he is also very kind.

I think it’s to do with if you will have genetically strong babies. If you like the smell you have different immune systems. It’s also why your siblings and kids often smell particularly bad to you when they go through puberty… natures deterrent to incest.

I’m not so sure you are right actually.

If that was the case, we’d all match up at some time but the number of single people, not always by choice, says otherwise.

I think sometimes an immediate physical attraction that's very strong often clouds the fact the person is wildly unappealing in numerous other ways. So to like someone and then see them kind of shine, once they come out of their shell, they can easily seem more attractive.
Of course it depends on how much you like their personality mostly. But if there's a lot to like then I think that attraction can grow in some cases.

I think when I haven’t felt immediately attracted it’s more about me than them if flags are all green - with my DP I pushed him away a lot and didn’t feel an immediate spark. I was a year or so out of a long and difficult marriage. I’m glad I rode that out and he was patient, because I fancy him rotten and he’s just the best.

I think you probably need to snog him a few times to find out! And in the meantime work out if you have work to do on yourself.

Do you think about him when you are not together and long to see him again?
Are you looking forward to seeing him next, but more so than you would be about meeting a friend?
Are you replaying conversations in your head? Are you tempted to text him little messages throughout the day?
It would be those sort of things that would signify for me that this is more than friendship.

Are you planning what to wear already?

Sorry, just thought of that one!

No harm in hanging out. I have come to massively fancy (and actually fall heavily for) people who I didn’t initially find physically attractive. In both cases based on amazing personality and the friendship that developed. Obvs by that time I could see really attractive things about their appearance as well.

Thanks for your very kind message. I’ve got access to it thank you, I did reach out to women’s aid a handful of times as the relationship really took its toll on my health and I ended up having to reach out so I felt less alone. I think as you say, I need to focus on me, and perhaps in that time I can enjoy his company. Thanks for sharing your experience 😀

Thank you, solid advice and I really do see only green flags all the way, I don’t think I’ve seen so many since my first relationship as a teenager, oddly! You know he’s someone I just have such a laugh with, really on the same page and we just seem to ‘slot’. Hopefully it does change, as he’s a gem. X

Hmm good points and if I’m honest, no, not at the moment. I look forward to seeing him as I know we’ll have a good time, but I feel like I could turn up without makeup, dressed in my comfies and he’d accept me and think no less of me, however I have to be honest, currently I don’t feel a need to try to impress. That said, I think about him, am dropping him messages as I think of things, and smile a lot. I am sadly aware though, that if I’m questioning it this much, perhaps ‘it’ just isn’t there!

It would be a first for me but going by what you and others have said, I think an open mind is worth maintaining here: thanks for sharing x

From what you've said i think its worth exploring, with an open mind.
And have fun xx

I think what draws us in is often set by the tone of our upbringing and hard to go against... But if that happens to be really unhelpful in your adult life it is worth doing some work on your thought processes, assumed beliefs and habitual point of view so that you can begin to recognise when it is a true attraction and when it is a BS one.

Also this guy could be a sensational kisser and that always makes a difference. 😁

A friend was in a similar situation and I know this might sound odd or a bit rude but after spending a couple of dates getting to know they guy then spending the night with him , she discovered he was very very good in the bedroom and she fell in love .

Oh yeah, I’ve definitely had it happen the other way too – been keen from first meeting and known pretty much within days that I was going to fall for someone.

(And on the flip side have dated someone who was great on paper – super hot, impressive job, ready for a relationship, great social life, just all-round a great catch and v into ME – yet somehow never really mustered deep-running feelings for them, although they were nice! So would also say keep things on a friends basis until it’s all clearer and don’t waste too much time if feelings don’t materialise. I’ve found it’s very easy to kid yourself when someone seems like a really convenient solution to the problem of trying to find someone great!)

haha!