Can physical attraction grow?

[justfindingmyway]

Hi all,

Looking to hear some experiences on this matter if anyone would be kind enough to share.

Had a rough time, I’m 34, was due to be married to a man I loved dearly but realised his aggression and temper towards me were a bad indication for the future given he demanded children as soon as we were married. Ultimately I called it off.

Anyway, a few months back, I bumped into an old colleague at the train station. Lovely man. He’s 39 and fairly recently divorced as his partner is Colombian and decided she wanted to go back home which wasn’t part of their plan.

He is a lovely, genuine and kind man, with a good work ethic, works in the same industry as me and seems to have himself well put together. He’s mentioned that he liked me when we worked together almost 13 years ago and I am getting the impression he is keen to get to know me more.

My issue is, I don’t think I immediately ‘fancy’ him, I don’t get the butterflies and can’t imagine anything intimate with him at this stage. I am however, sure that he is a lovely, sensitive and caring man, and I really value that in him.

I guess I am doubting my own judgement now, as my previous relationships have been wonderful highs but horrid lows. I had one steady one before, but I got bored! So I’m worried about my own habits in choosing partners, given I had a tumultuous childhood.

For those happily with someone, were you immediately physically attracted to them, or did this come later for some of you?

I don’t want to waste his time, but I also would love to explore the idea as we are very compatible.

thank you xx

Exactly this and I’d imagine it has an impact. I had a poor relationship with my father from a young age and my ex certainly displays some similar traits. But I always found him attractive even though he scared me. Trouble is he was very manipulative and made me believe in the end that he was all I had.

I hope that would be the case haha, that would be a real shock. He loved going to the pub and playing darts and that sort of thing so I’ve assumed perhaps wrongly that he might not be a romantic. But you never know! Thanks for your thoughts.

No not at all, I can see how that would happen especially if you’ve had rubbish experiences previously!! You never know do you xx

Sounds like you need a bit of a reset (in so far as we are able), it is possible to make a difference. I'm late 40's and have turned a lot of my 'faulty dysfunctional upbringing' thinking around. - it can be done, and then this self sabotage can stop.
It isn't overnight, and the cognitive dissonance can be weird to live with while you work on things, but it gets easier over time until, one day, you realise the new you feels more natural and you have a peace and contentment previously missing... Then the old you can fade out.

My current DP is not ‘my type’ at all. I haven’t really been attracted to skinny guys before and he’s super skinny and tall (previous 2 DPs were chunky and not tall). We went on about 4 dates without so much as a kiss, but then I said to him that we were in danger of friend zoning and that if he was interested then one of us would have to make a move! In the end we had a ‘date’ at his house that ended with a kiss, and tbh still no butterflies. But once we went a bit further the next time I started to really fancy him and he’s amazing and very generous in bed!

Stick with it, butterflies could just be nerves when you’re around someone that your body/brain finds ‘stimulating’ but that doesn’t necessarily mean in a good way. The calm you feel with someone kind and sweet is a whole other thing.

Love this for you. And exactly this, it all feels so strange. However I do need to be mindful of hurting him because currently the thought of doing anything romantic or physical isn’t there. I’ll just take it as it comes and perhaps it’ll be a lovely friendship if nothing else. Thanks for sharing

Was thinking about you this morning @justfindingmyway How are things progressing?

Ahh, bless you for asking. I am still very confused. What I’ve come to realise is that I’ve never experienced anything ‘slow’. Both of my ‘adult’ relationships from my twenties to now were very much whirlwind from the get go. I can imagine a lovely, peaceful, straight forward potential relationship with this man. But the physical side isn’t there after three times of meeting. As I said, he’s not unattractive, but he is different to my previous partners physically (and emotionally!). Maybe he will always be a friend only, but I’m second guessing myself hugely because of the experience I’ve had??

sorry, this is very ‘rambly’. I’m a very confused lady with a huge loss of perception thanks to life’s experiences over the years

Well, the beauty of a (potential) slow burn is you don't have to know... Whatever it is can unfold in it's own sweet time, and if it never gets there... So be it.
Provided you don't suggest to him that you'll get there, but that you like him and can't rule a relationship in or out, then you aren't leading him on. Just enjoy his company and don't over think it.

Meanwhile see if you can just work on yourself and what your life experiences have given you that isn't helpful and could be improved and what has been helpful and you want to keep... None of us are the same person we were five or ten years ago... It's all a development

This is wonderful advice, thank you. I really needed to hear that and it really resonates xxx

Thank you are you’re right, it sure is all a work in progress all the time isn’t it? The older I get the more I realise life is such a parallel of good and challenging experiences, but maybe that’s how it is meant to be xxx

Your other relationships weren't healthy and happy so what you went for before didn't work for you.
Think about that.
You don't want to replicate your last relationship.
You are looking for something, someone different, who will treat you well.

Huge physical attraction, falling into bed and a relationship that ends up not being positive for you, is not what you want.

So while working on yourself think about the opposite of what happened before and how those relationships started.

I loved older bad boys that were sexy and unavailable when I was young, but they were never going to be any more than fun.
Certainly not a loving long term relationship.

You have no need to rush yourself.
Read about the boiled frog analogy, the shark cage.
Really become your own relationship expert that listens to her own gut.
The more you learn about yourself, the more confidence you will have have in yourself to choose wisely.
Remember you don't owe anyone a relationship with you.
See him on your terms.
He can look after himself.
You look after you.

Hiya, thank you for taking the time to give this advice. Again, really useful. I do not want this again. I think I need to remember that what I’ve always gone for, whilst familiar, has not served me well at all. In my adult life, I’ve always been with men who were quite ‘superior’ or at least acted as much, and I believed them, put them on a pedestal. One lead to me being strung along from my early to late twenties, with someone who really just saw me as a tick in the box, and the last time around it lead to something a lot more nefarious; someone who took full advantage of me and very early on must’ve been figuring out what makes me tick and how to use that to break me.

the realisation is, I’m not sure I’ve actually experienced real love from a man, perhaps all of it was infatuation and surface level.

I will definitely take with me the idea that perhaps I need the start of any relationship to be different from now on x

Speaking for myself I find sexual attraction grows out of having sex with someone - if they're good at it. I've fucked a fair few people that I've not had an immediate visual attraction to but ended up drooling over them because they have absolutely got it going on in bed. Equally there have been some where I've been immensely attracted initially but then they've turned out to be selfish and thoughtless, or utterly dull.

It may sound trite, but the greatest, most important relationship of your life, should be with yourself.

Loving yourself.
Valuing yourself.
Wanting to protect yourself.
Listening to your gut.

Not thinking about how MEN think about you, but what you think about a MAN.

Is HE good enough for YOU.
Is HE kind enough for YOU.

Focus on becoming a bit of a selfish self absorbed arsehole who puts herself front and centre of what you want from your life and a partner.

Start asking yourself the right questions about are they good enough for YOU.

It will definitely help you hard swerve some twats, pricks and selfish arseholes.😁

Have you ever met someone who you really couldn’t imagine being ‘sexy’ but they surprised you in bed? I’ll be honest, in my experience, I’ve been with men who I thought would be good and I think I’ve mostly had pretty dull experiences LOL. I know that probably sounds rude, maybe my experiences aren’t ’normal’

Good advice, thank you, and definitely needing huge improvement on tbe relationship I have with myself. I needed that anyway, I need it even more after some of the stuff I’ve had to deal with in the last six years. It’s such a hard journey for me though, it just doesn’t come naturally for me to think of my own wants and needs. I’m always looking externally rather than internally. I’m glad I am aware of this, but old habits feel hard to break x

I think it can grow; you need to go out a couple of times and see if that spark is there. If it’s not there’s really no point in pursuing it.

Try the book "Women who love too much".
It might ping with you.

Funny you should mention this, I’ve been in therapy since about a year into my relationship with my ex (hello, am I silly or what?) and my therapist actually mentioned this book just this week. Thanks for bringing it up, I’ve just started it and page one hit hard about if being in love is painful, you’re loving too much!!

I mean, at 34 it does feel like a considerable factor. But we all age and I am fairly sure attraction must fade to a degree.

I think you’re confusing attraction with society’s view of standard good looks and appeal. DH and I have been married for 32 years, together 35. Yes of course we are not as ‘beautiful’ by society’s standards as we were in our early twenties. I’ve had two babies and we’ve both had demanding jobs and the stresses and strains of life over 30 years, such as bereavements, health scares, worries with the DC and so on. They take their toll on you physically as well as emotionally. But we’re still as attracted to each other now as we were in the early days. More so really because we know the ‘whole person’ so much better and have learned how to really love each other well. I find him
just as sexy as in the early days, even though on paper his hair has some grey in it, his face has some lines on it and his belly isn’t as toned….and I’m sure he could write a long list about all the ways my body has changed! But after 30 odd years we’re still bonkers about each other and we’re still really attracted to each other. The sex is even better than 20/30 years ago because we know each other so well (and because the DC have left home so we have loads of freedom!). Attraction’s a funny thing…it’s so much more than the sum of someone’s parts if I can put it like that!

You seem to set a lot of store by what your friends think is your ‘type’ or what to them would look like an attractive match for you based on looks. I wonder if this has got under your skin and is distorting your ability to make a good judgement about this guy?

DH and I were friends for several months before I realised I fancied him (and he would say the same). We’d seen each other socially quite a few times but then got chatting about this and that and I was really drawn in by his personality. I started to notice his honesty, his integrity, his kindness and his loyalty to those he’s close to. That really sparked my interest and then I started to think he looked pretty gorgeous too! Before long I’d get the butterflies when I knew I’d be seeing him or if we met unexpectedly. But it came from getting to know the whole him, and if anything, finding him physically attractive came second. But when it arrived it was there to stay!!

I think it’s really important that you don’t string him along and that he’s very aware that you’re just friends at the moment so he doesn’t get his hopes up unnecessarily. Please don’t start anything with him unless you do feel physically attracted to him, that would be really hard to get over. If that’s all straight and you both know where you stand, enjoy his company and stop looking for sparks all the time…you might just find that the attraction grows and that this person who is lovely in so many ways becomes more and more lovely to you as time goes on.

@CountryGirlInTheCity such a brilliant post, I couldn't agree more. 🙏

Yes. Personally I think the best love is where attraction grows from a good, stable friendship.

No I don't think it can grow but it most certainly can wear off.

I totally agree.