Can physical attraction grow?

[justfindingmyway]

Hi all,

Looking to hear some experiences on this matter if anyone would be kind enough to share.

Had a rough time, I’m 34, was due to be married to a man I loved dearly but realised his aggression and temper towards me were a bad indication for the future given he demanded children as soon as we were married. Ultimately I called it off.

Anyway, a few months back, I bumped into an old colleague at the train station. Lovely man. He’s 39 and fairly recently divorced as his partner is Colombian and decided she wanted to go back home which wasn’t part of their plan.

He is a lovely, genuine and kind man, with a good work ethic, works in the same industry as me and seems to have himself well put together. He’s mentioned that he liked me when we worked together almost 13 years ago and I am getting the impression he is keen to get to know me more.

My issue is, I don’t think I immediately ‘fancy’ him, I don’t get the butterflies and can’t imagine anything intimate with him at this stage. I am however, sure that he is a lovely, sensitive and caring man, and I really value that in him.

I guess I am doubting my own judgement now, as my previous relationships have been wonderful highs but horrid lows. I had one steady one before, but I got bored! So I’m worried about my own habits in choosing partners, given I had a tumultuous childhood.

For those happily with someone, were you immediately physically attracted to them, or did this come later for some of you?

I don’t want to waste his time, but I also would love to explore the idea as we are very compatible.

thank you xx

Yes I’ve thought about this too. I guess I’m questioning what ‘fancying’ someone should really look like, as my experiences so far have definitely caused me to ask a lot of questions. I ‘fancy’ his personality, but I don’t have the butterflies or apprehension when I see him.

Lovely story and thanks for sharing with me. Yes exactly this, the physical side of things is always changing anyway, we all age and I guess with that, attraction changes over time. I don’t like the thought of putting too much pressure on always being physically attracted to your partner. Perhaps I’m being soft but I hope there is so much more? I hope if I do get married, it’s to someone who makes me feel emotionally safe and secure, and it feels that this is more important than looks??? But also aware looks play a part. I’m an overthinker, can you tell!?

Yes I think it grow, sometimes it's better that way.

I also think you can be attracted to someone at first sight and then realise however good looking they are there just not your person and that turns you off them.

Thank you for your comment. It would be new to me, or at least to my adult life, but honestly I think that could be a good thing! My previous filter has been rubbish due to some low self esteem. I really hope if I do meet someone again that I feel just totally secure and safe, both mentally and physically.

Some people have their spark lit by wrong 'uns...
They take that lust as the green light for life partner choice and don't give anything else a chance.
They would say attraction can't grow because they've never been patient enough to find out.

It can, attraction can grow, and than kind can be longer lasting than the other too

I married a kind, generous, lovely man who I didn't particularly fancy. 20 years and 2 children later we divorced. We loved each other but the lack of physical intimacy and attraction was just unsustainable.

Thank you for this and I appreciate your perspective. I think I have been guilty of impatience. And also societal expectation around what love ‘should’ look like. Basically, I don’t think I’ve ever had safe, consistent and available love. In fact I know I haven’t. So I wonder if allowing time for attraction to grow could be more sustainable than the feelings I’ve encountered previously? Obviously being mindful of the feelings of others!

Thank you and yes, it plays a factor, no doubt. Did he keep himself well etc? Or was it just you didn’t find him attractive? I’d definitely find a total lack of effort in self care unattractive

Feeling emotionally safe and secure is SO much more important than looks.

When I was going through my 3rd miscarriage in a row, I wasn’t bothered about how handsome he was, but that he sat up with me from 6am-12, holding my hand through the pain, running to the cafe to get me a coffee and a croissant to keep my strength up and set alarms on his phone for when I could take the next lot of pain relief. We were on holiday at the time (missed miscarriage so knew it was coming) and he turned one of the most painful moments of my life into something oddly romantic as we watched the Italian sunrise together.

I just never really fancied him. I never thought "phwoar"! I knew it the first time I kissed him but I kidded myself that because he was conventionally attractive, and a good man, that I'd grow to love him. Which I did. But that spark was never there.

When I met my DP I was not immediately physically attracted to him. He had this stupid hair cut, vaped chronically and the first thing he said to me wasn’t exactly romantic. By the end of our first date tho, I knew I wanted to go on a second because I liked his personality and he was really funny. When I showed my best mate a pic, she said “well you close your eyes when you laugh so..”
Years down the line, I think he’s the most handsome man in the world. He has quit vaping and the stupid haircut is a distant memory (one that we laugh about now). The very same friend who made the close your eyes when you laugh comment actually said after we’d been dating for a while and she had met him in person a few times that he’s actually much better looking and has got better looking as she’s got to know him. I think physical attraction can grow, and also as his girlfriend I think you can sometimes maybe… make some edits to their physical appearance. As for emotional attraction, I do think there needs to be something there. When I first saw my partner I remember thinking “I’m gonna stay for one drink then leave” but within 1/4 of a pint I just had a feeling I’d be there till closing time.

Not in my experience. But I think you really should just hang out and see where it goes.

Thank you very much for sharing this, this really hit home and is an eye opener. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a tough time but glad you have such a lovely partner with you on your journey. I had a difficult decision to make recently too, and my ex made it so, so much more difficult 😞 As you say, perhaps how someone makes you feel is endlessly more important.

Ahh this is lovely, and nice to hear. Happy for you. Do not get me wrong, this guy certainly has nice features, it’s just he’s not ‘beautiful’ straight away outwardly (to me). But his soul is wonderful!

Hmm yes I understand. It is tricky because I’ve always had a ‘spark’ with others. This feels safe and comforting, and I am totally at ease with him, being myself, all of it. I’ll not rush, I am just really glad to understand the experiences of others.

Are the butterflies and apprehension actually part of "fancying" someone though?

I get both of those feelings when I'm in the queue for a big rollercoaster, or leading up to a big presentation in work. They're signs of nervousness, of fear, an of excitement.

I've certainly had all those feelings when dating someone new, but they're more caused by negative emotions for me. "How am I going to fuck this up", or "Is she really that into me"

So for me, the butterflies aren't really a reliable indicator of whether I fancy someone. My best relationships never had those butterflies, even at the very start.

For me, fancying someone is about two things, the emotional and the physical.

It sounds like you've already got the emotional, you say you fancy his personality. For me it was always about "Can I see myself spending every day with this person, living with them, enjoying their company for the rest of my life without wanting to kill them?"

The physical is easier. "Do I want to have sex with this person? Can I picture myself in bed with them, doing stuff, and does picturing that turn me on?"

Obviously it's more instinctual than that in both cases. But its worth taking some time to actually examine your feelings. Because you don't really want to start something with this guy unless you know he ticks both those boxes for you, not just one.

Baby no.3 is due next month so we definitely got our happy ever after 😊 but I know that no matter what life throws at us he is 100% the person I want by my side and I have never loved someone more.

Your partner should make life easier/better, definitely not worse.

Lovely to hear, I love a story like this! I have realised recently that I haven’t experienced healthy love. I’m very worried that I’d mess it up with some sort of mental block. For instance, this man really isn’t ‘unattractive’, it’s just for whatever reason, he’s not giving me the ‘excitement’ feeling. And I’m just questioning if it’s more to do with me than it is him xx

You only have to look at the posts on here to see that ‘excitement’ doesn’t last for anyone, far better to build a relationship on shared life goals, kindness and respect.

Although I do think intimacy in marriage is really important, so as you get to know him that will probably help inform your decision.

I agree and to be honest, I think I have sone maturing to do in that regard, so perhaps I am a bit shallow. Attraction is surely so much more than looks as we go through life. I guess not many retired couples are wanting to rip each others clothes off after years of marriage (although, good luck to them if they are!!)

Interesting discussion. For me, attraction has never grown. I have a lovely male friend who is wonderful, kind and caring and there was a point where I considered it as he was just so lovely but I simply wasnt attracted to him and I didnt think it was fair to him or me to kind of force it in the hope that maybe one day I would be. This was after years of friendship and I still dont fancy him now either so it was the right decision. Everyone deserves someone who finds them attractive.

That said, attraction isnt just about looks (which a lot of people seem to be focusing on in this thread) so thats an important distinction. Attraction is so much more than mere physical features, it's about how someone moves, talks, their body language, their mannerisms, their attention towards you, their style, even how they smell! and the way they treat other people etc.

So, in essence, attraction is very, very important to me but attraction is not solely about the way someone looks. It's about who they are and how they interact with the world. I have found certain men devastatingly attractive/sexy who would not be considered conventionally good looking by western standards- they just have something about them that comes from within that makes me go wow!

Interestingly, I also read that how your partner (naturally) smells is important when it comes to attraction and relationship longevity. I love sniffing my DH’s neck/face 😂 so maybe give your guy a sniff next time you go for drinks!

There is so much subliminal stuff that goes into attraction.

A few years ago a tradesman was at my house; he was no looker, kind of geeky, not my type. And I was extremely aroused by him, it was so weird. Fortunately I managed to control myself and no doubt to him I was just some non-descript middle-aged woman, but it must have been pheromones or something. I still shake my head over that.

If this man is nice, OP, give it a chance on a friendly basis. If you travel, get two rooms, etc. Companionship is a valuable thing, especially as we age and the dating pool shrinks dramatically. You never know what might develop.

Totally agree with this. A nice aftershave has made me a bit feral in the past, and he ticks that box lol. He’s very soft and not a very gruff man, which is what I’m used to. Just all new to me in all ways. I have to take my time.

Haha, this is funny. I had that once with a man who came to fit Sky at my parents house when I was in my early twenties 🤣 I love his company so will definitely give it more time and will try to keep an open mind to all possibilities xx