I've been NC with my parents for over a year. Today they rang up and asked why

[immersedinfog]

I wrote a much longer message but then deleted it.
Suffice to say that a year ago, following a disagreement where my parents were even more nasty than they usually are, I came to realise that they had been emotionally abusing me my whole life. I've been non contact ever since and have seen my mental health and stress levels drastically improve.

My parents have continued to ring our landline (unfortunately can't block them on it) every couple of weeks leaving generic messages asking me to call.

Today, just over a year later, they rang and left a message asking why I was not talking to them and they didn't understand why I'd reacted so drastically.

Funnily enough, one of the main reasons for going NC was that they simply don't see how appalling their behaviour is. The only thing that would make me resume contact would be for them to come to me and say that they had reflected on how they had behaved, apologised for what they'd done and were sincerely trying to change. So, I think I now know the answer about whether we will be in contact again.

Not sure of the purpose of this post really. Just interested to know if others have been through similar, and most of all, if anyone had any insight into why they waited over a year to ask "why?" (If one of my DC had stopped talking to me and I genuinely had no idea why, I think that would be the first thing I'd ask!)

(I know MN doesn't like "narcisstic" being thrown about, and I'm clearly not qualified to diagnose but I do suspect my mother is narcisstic and my father her enabler).

@Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear a really interesting forum. My question is I have been NC from my mother apart from a very brief contact in my 20's since I was 14 (she left home when I was 10). The thing is she is totally uninterested in me and has never ever perused any form of contact with me, in fact she's made is clear by her actions she doesn't want me to even have her address. She's has regular contact with my brother (who is a narcissist, diagnosed) but I don't exist to her. I never seem to come across this scenario, it's always the parents begging to be in contact. It's me isn't it 🤣. I'm not expecting you to know why, just reading the link made me wonder. Thanks

I decided to not have any contact with my father after a particularly nasty bout of abuse when I tried to talk to him about something abusive he’d done a month before. He was abusive my whole life. He left messages every few weeks after that very generic and sugary only they made my skin crawl because they made me realise he never actually saw ME. I realised that, and that was that I never did talk to him again. The only thing I regret is that I didn’t just cut contact at 16. He really was just nasty. There was no point communicating with him he just couldn’t care about my feelings for whatever reason. Well he did but they made him RAGE.

Crinkle, same here. She left at 6. Just not interested. I realise she was like a child emotionally. She couldn’t perceive others.

I think a year is a significant milestone in terms of estrangement. In my case, I would have been potentially receptive to some sort of reconciliation within the first year. Once a year has passed you’ve lived birthdays, Christmas and ever other kind of day there is without them so you know you can live all of the other ones without them too.

@immersedinfog please ignore all the people who are advising you to get in contact or minimising what you've gone through. Most probably those people have never had to deal with people like your parents.

You sound wise, and already prepared to do what you need to protect yourself. It IS confusing when these people don't respect your boundaries or leave you alone - confusing because you know it is not a rational way to behave and you would not act like that yourself, that's why it continues to be baffling to you and anyone reasonable or with relevant experience .

If you haven't already come across it, you may find the Stately Homes threads on MN helpful (latest here: August 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes! | Mumsnet) - in case such things and additional fortitude/solidarity become necessary in the future. Much wisdom, advice, kindness and understanding is there (and mercifully no "I would NEVER treat my mother like that", "You only get one mum!", "You're heartless to a misunderstood old lady!" type posts. Those people don't know what it's like to deal with these individuals, who enjoy the drama and havoc they wreak and actively suck joy like leeches on a vein from the "family" they pretend to love).

I read an interesting quote shared on here the other day by someone in a similar situation, where they were maintaining contact with abusive elderly parents, despite repeated hammerings. The poster's adult DD was trying to make her see sense and maintain NC, and said to her "Why do you keep offering them the buffet, when you're the one on the menu?"

Very wise, I thought. Take yourself fully off the menu. You don't have to swallow their poison anymore.

Stand firm, OP. You can do it. Every good wish to you. x

I'm a way behind you @immersedinfog only a month into being NC with my mum. I get the loss of oppression, rage, confused feelings when the phone pings. I just want to not hear from her so I blocked her. She's telling people it's because of something she should have done 16 years ago- that's not even a thing to me, but it's still my fault that she didn't do it 😅I thought maybe I should set the record straight then I realised that the people who know us both should know there's a backstory, and the people who don't know me don't matter. I thought about writing a letter so she can't avoid the truth, but she would manipulate it in her head, and she wouldn't accept it, and worst still she might reply and getting that letter in the post would just set my head off like a pinball machine. Avoidance is bliss, calming, and so much better for my mental state. Good luck to you OP.

I'm sorry you had the same. I know I've dodged a bullet ultimately and sounds like the same for you too.

If that point comes, https://deceasedonline.com/

I check for my adoptive father every few years.

@crinkletits it does happen that the mother walks away. Biological grandmother did it to her daughter and sons. Wound that never healed.

Sorry @crinkletits, haven't been monitoring for a while. When there is obvious favoritism like this there are a few main reasons I have come across.

1. The favoured child resembles to parent in some way - either temperament, manner or looks, or birth order. So the parent projects positive ideas onto the child - a halo effect - and treats them better than other children. If she is a narc, she could mesh with your brothers narcissism in a way that works well for both of them. It is not common, but sometimes you do see narcs who get on well like this - it is not unknown for narcs to marry other narcs.
2. The favoured child has a characteristic that the parent relates positively to. My mother doted on my brother, who is a feckless low achiever, and consistently bigged him up over the accomplishments of her high achieving daughters.
3. The non favoured child reminds the parents of someone of whom they are not fond or even hate - the horns effect. I would see mothers who clearly loathed a child that resembled their ex - but who were not consciously aware of it.
4. The non favoured child reminds the parent of a time in their life which was unpleasant or even traumatic in some way. So on older generations the child who was the reason for a unhappy marriage for example. The child represents that time in the parents life and this affects how they treat them.
5. Having one child is very different to having several. Sometimes the parent finds themselves having another child and resents to work it takes or even being in that situation.
6. People sometimes have children because they feel they should. And then get angry at the child or children for their shitty choices.

In none of these situation is it the child or childrens fault. And children often spend their lives feeling it is about them in some way, that they are not lovable, when in fact it is all about the parents shortcomings. I am truly sorry this happened to you. I did use to see this at times, children who had been taken in care and who were desperate to see their parents but the parents were happy not to be bothered. I do hope you have found/will find ways to have a full and satisfying life without her. She does not sound like she deserves you.

Thank you so much for replying in such a kind and thoughtful way. The penny dropped .. my mum and dad lost a son in a very traumatic way and my parents were urged to have me asap to help with the grief. Big shoes to fill of course. I often wonder what my life would have been like without the “even my mum doesn’t like me” glasses on. It’s only in the last few years I’ve realised I even wore them. But looking back my god they’re like the 6” milk bottle bottoms ones. I sound glib but knowing helps so much! Thank you, have a good un!