I've been NC with my parents for over a year. Today they rang up and asked why

[immersedinfog]

I wrote a much longer message but then deleted it.
Suffice to say that a year ago, following a disagreement where my parents were even more nasty than they usually are, I came to realise that they had been emotionally abusing me my whole life. I've been non contact ever since and have seen my mental health and stress levels drastically improve.

My parents have continued to ring our landline (unfortunately can't block them on it) every couple of weeks leaving generic messages asking me to call.

Today, just over a year later, they rang and left a message asking why I was not talking to them and they didn't understand why I'd reacted so drastically.

Funnily enough, one of the main reasons for going NC was that they simply don't see how appalling their behaviour is. The only thing that would make me resume contact would be for them to come to me and say that they had reflected on how they had behaved, apologised for what they'd done and were sincerely trying to change. So, I think I now know the answer about whether we will be in contact again.

Not sure of the purpose of this post really. Just interested to know if others have been through similar, and most of all, if anyone had any insight into why they waited over a year to ask "why?" (If one of my DC had stopped talking to me and I genuinely had no idea why, I think that would be the first thing I'd ask!)

(I know MN doesn't like "narcisstic" being thrown about, and I'm clearly not qualified to diagnose but I do suspect my mother is narcisstic and my father her enabler).

MaxTalk · Yesterday 17:20
You say you have explained your thinking but seems like you may need to sit them down and do so again.
They are obviously in pain so it would seem the right thing to do to go over, take them out and have a proper chat.
Most things are salvageable IME.

No. Don't. This was not caused by one little disagreement, it has been a lot of abuse. They would be all reasonable and sad 'we don't know what we have done to deserve this...' then forgive you because they need you to get back in front of the target.
Leave them to their 'bewilderment', because they will not change. They should have been on this right away, trying to sort it out with you.
Your health has improved, what does that tell you? Ignore the flying monkeys on here, it is not up to you to appease your abuser and wait for more abuse.
My land line, from Argos and cheap has a block button, should you want to get one.

To be clear.
I don't want a relationship with them (on any terms that they could meet) and I have a clear conscience.

There is no "confusion" over events (well, not important ones). The "confusion" is over the response to said events.

For example, suppose you are my friend and you have a new haircut that you really like. When I see you the first thing I say is "I don't like your new haircut, the previous style suited you much better and I bet you've wasted a lot of money on it".

That's the event. We both agree.

You - feel upset that I've been mean about your new haircut, and suggested that it was a waste of money, and it's taken the excitement of it away from you

Me (if I was my parents) - think I have just been honest, and if you can't be honest to your friends, who can you be honest to? If you're upset then that's your problem because you are over sensitive and it's only a haircut, what are you making such a fuss about? Actually, I'm nearly sure that there was a time when I had a new haircut and you weren't massively complimentary about it either, so really it's all your fault.

Anyway, you haven't thought about how this looks to me, that you're swanning about with your new haircut making out you're more important than you are, when it's only because of my support over the years that you've been able to afford one at all. And there were years when I could scarcely afford food, let alone to have my hair cut, so really you have no right to mention hair cuts at all, you don't know how lucky you are and you've been totally uncaring towards me

<bursts into tears. Waits for you to rally round and be sympathetic. Gets annoyed when/if you don't>

I am in a very similar contact with my family and went NC just over 2 years ago. It has been really painful but by far the best think for my mental health. They sporadically contact me by email to say they wish things were different etc. but completely refuse to acknowledge all the awful things they’ve done to me. I saw a counsellor for a long time to work through this and she also said it sounds like my mother is a narcissist and my father her enabler (although she can’t diagnose them obviously but from me explaining the dynamic). I think if people haven’t experienced this it’s very difficult to understand. No advice really but just to send you understanding love & strength ❤️

You explain the dynamic brilliantly, OP, yet people still can’t ‘see’ it.

I wonder about them. Whether they are the person in their family who expects everyone else to rally round in support.

I see a similar dynamic with my sister and her dc. Some of them have found ways to function while keeping contact. Others have been unable to- but then behaved appallingly themselves. It’s a very strange dynamic.

I agree.

I cannot STAND the whole "but they're your paaaaaarents!" Yeah? And that's their daughter and they didn't give a shit about the pain they caused her.

This is a frightening thread for all the enablers and abuse-apologists that have surfaced to try to make the OP responsible for her parents' appalling traits. All this "explain to them, let them digest" - they've had a bloody year! How bad are their guts?!

There is no point in trying to explain to people like this either in a phone call, letter or interprative dance, they will never see it, they can't because it would shift their entire world view. The person who said upthread that your parents are hurting sound pretty clueless to be honest, its not pain its outrage
Literally nothing you can say or do will get them to say "you know what, you are right, we will suddenly become the parents you deserve"
The only way to deal with them is to have no or minimal contact

They sound batshit.
Lose the landline, simply not worth it.

There is nothing to say.
Do not engage in any way with them.

Totally with you OP, it's like coming home when I read threads like this. Cannot bear the 'you'll miss them one day' lot, they so so don't get it do they xx

I was NC with my father from my late teens until he died, and I'm LC with my mother, OP, so I get you.

It's OK to decide that you don't want contact with relatives because they can't behave. You wouldn't be expected to tolerate it from anyone else. Being in touch with family members is a choice. You don't have to. It's fine. I appreciate that not everyone gets this, but those of us with crappy parents do. You're not alone.

You also don't have to explain your decision to your parents. Let's be honest, sometimes you can't explain it to them, and there's no point trying. They still won't understand and you will just feel traumatised by the effort and your failure to get them to understand.

Cutting ties with my father was easy because he was monstrous and people get why I did it. But with my mother, it's more complicated. It's more like death by a thousand tiny cuts. I've settled in a place of LC but not at the moment NC, although I always have in the back of my mind that NC is there if I need it. She's very selfish and self-absorbed, and I feel both invisible and used when I have to see her.

I've been having therapy recently (CBT) as there has been an increase in the level of contact and I am finding it helpful. Might be worth exploring if you can access it (I've had to see someone privately). The focus hasn't been on fixing the relationship but on helping me to manage the enormous stress and rage I experience when we do have contact (I know the horrible anxiety when you see a message from them).

@immersedinfog been there, got the Tshirt - I'm highlighting this post from @AttilaTheMeerkat - because she's my MN friend and we've known each other years - her advice has been an utter bedrock for me, she is so often the voice of reason when the FOG creeps back in. She keeps me on the straight and narrow.

I see from your subsequent posts that you won't be writing to them you wont be justifying yourself to them and you won't be engaging.

Good for you. of course this is a tough situation to bear, you are not alone here, many of us have bad parent relationships

You will never get through to them, they are the masters of denial, they lie to themselves first and foremost and convince themselves that they are blameless.

let them carry on, leave them to it. unplug your phone, you don't need it/them

sorry lost the quoted post

Fundamental question: if one of them was about to die would you want to know? If the answer is no then unplug the phone. If the answer is yes then no contact and unplugging the phone is not the right answer.

sometimes there really are NOT 2 sides to a story. Sometimes people really are awful to their kids

Your situation is completely irrelevant @mitogoshi you can't ever understand what the dynamic is here.

Which is a good thing, for you. Please don't use your situation to undermine that of someone else who isn't as fortunate.

Another way to put this. Narc parents - covert/overt/whatever will NEVER question their behaviour, doubt themselves, they would never ever in a million years be writing this kind of post. The emotional damage these kinds of people do to their kids has such a profound affect on their self worth/esteem that they will never truly believe in themselves, they will forget all the crap they have been through momentarily and doubt their own decision to go LC/NC to protect themselves.

Our job is not to tell them they are not victims, or to tell them to try harder. You would not tell that to a rape victim, or a burglary victim, so don't tell it to a victim of neglectful/haaarmful parents.

I did want to know if my father died but only so I didn't have to wonder if he would try and contact me. Pure relief when he did

I wouldn't care. What would I do with that information? If it's to tell me they've had a massive revelation and want to make amends for everything they've done, then it's too late. If it's to complain at me some more, then certainly not interested.

If they both die, I'm assuming someone (a solicitor maybe?) might let me know. The only benefit would be as per PP, that I wouldn't have to keep wondering if they might randomly get in touch or turn up one day.

@immersedinfog fyi, when my father died, no-one contacted me to let me know (or even attempted to, as far as I can tell). I found out myself via Google. So there are NC ways of getting this info should you want/need it.

Thanks - that's good to know. At the moment (this may change) I have one sibling still in touch with my parents (other sibling is also NC), so I would expect to find out that way.

Otherwise, I'm hoping I get to a point where I can forget about them and don't care :)

My mother is in sheltered housing. The team headquarters which is at the other end of the country know to contact me in extremis only

Exactly this - totally obvious, says more about the posters lack of emotional intelligence than you op, just ignore.

I would write a letter to them explaining everything and then leave it. If they apologise fair enough but if they don't answer there you go and sever ties permanently

Agree re @Attilla.Wish we could clone her and send her out as person therapist to so many on MN😁.

Definitely no letter or explanation.

The mistake is thinking we can fix/change others.
Often we cannot change ourselves in the simplest of ways.
Explanations give them ammunition.
Silence is the most powerful weapon.
A simple refusal to engage further.

Their death brings great relief to the children of toxic parents.

Why? Why does it need another explanation? If they were going to apologise they would have done it already.

I think however awful they are you really do need to write them a letter to say why you have not been in touch and that you think its highly likely you will not be in touch again unless they drastically change.
I have made it quite clear to my parents why I moved hundreds of miles away - so I didn't have to put up with their behaviour towards me.
That way you haven't just disappeared off the face of the earth.
I said it's time they faced up to their abusive behaviour which is intolerable to me.
Please read People of the lie by M Scott Peck. This book helped me enormously and there is a chapter on confronting them.

Its great that helped you but we are all different and OP does not NEED to do anything she doesn't want to

immersedinfog
What is with the flying monkeys on here?
For heavens sake, they do not know you or your parents, but still think they have the right to tell you what you should be doing, advise you to explain your actions and cajole, beg them to change.
For what it is worth, I think you are doing the right thing, and that comes from someone who had superb parents.