I've been NC with my parents for over a year. Today they rang up and asked why

[immersedinfog]

I wrote a much longer message but then deleted it.
Suffice to say that a year ago, following a disagreement where my parents were even more nasty than they usually are, I came to realise that they had been emotionally abusing me my whole life. I've been non contact ever since and have seen my mental health and stress levels drastically improve.

My parents have continued to ring our landline (unfortunately can't block them on it) every couple of weeks leaving generic messages asking me to call.

Today, just over a year later, they rang and left a message asking why I was not talking to them and they didn't understand why I'd reacted so drastically.

Funnily enough, one of the main reasons for going NC was that they simply don't see how appalling their behaviour is. The only thing that would make me resume contact would be for them to come to me and say that they had reflected on how they had behaved, apologised for what they'd done and were sincerely trying to change. So, I think I now know the answer about whether we will be in contact again.

Not sure of the purpose of this post really. Just interested to know if others have been through similar, and most of all, if anyone had any insight into why they waited over a year to ask "why?" (If one of my DC had stopped talking to me and I genuinely had no idea why, I think that would be the first thing I'd ask!)

(I know MN doesn't like "narcisstic" being thrown about, and I'm clearly not qualified to diagnose but I do suspect my mother is narcisstic and my father her enabler).

As much as they say they don't know why you have no contact with them, they will know.

Your mental health has improved so just ignore them. Get rid of the landline or change your number. Give them no more headspace as it'll just bring you down.

Yeah, don't bother trying to explain again, it would be completely pointless.

Either get rid of LL or change the number?

Whatever they do they can't make you talk to them can they. Keep up the NC.

Good luck

You will see 2 types of responses. Those from people with ok, great, normal parents. 'It's your parents....' 'You owe them a response.' 'Just talk to them and it'll work itself out.'

Other people with shitty parents who can see they are shitty.
'Nope, nopity, no.'

I'm for change your landline number. Or ring the provider and see what they can do to block it. Or buy one of those handsets where you can block specific numbers. We have one at work for people who are trying to sell electric and it works a treat. Load number in, press the big red cross and that's it.

Have you read the Narcissists prayer OP?

It didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, its not a big deal.
And if it is, it's not my fault.
And if it was, I didnt mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

Yes, textbook isn't it.

I've done a lot of reading and reflecting (and talking to others with useful input) over the last year. My parents tick so many boxes I can't believe I didn't see it earlier. But then I was conditioned not to do so.

They are only dripfeeds if you didn't realise that the fact I'd mentioned I'd deleted a much longer post meant there was clearly lots of detail i'd chosen not to provide.

And that you don't believe that emotional abuse is "bad enough" unless it's spelled out more clearly exactly what it involves.

If I'd said they'd been physically or sexually abusing me instead, would that have been different?

I'm sorry not to have provided all the details that some people are baying for.
This is actually my life and writing down everything that has happened is not easy for me.

Thank you. This is really good way to think about it.

Thank you. This is exactly right. I'm very careful who I share this decision with in real life, because so many people make remarks such as you suggest.

I don't want to be NC with my parents. I want to have nice parents that support me and care about me. Actually I would settle for parents that aren't actively mean to me. And I've been hoping for years that my parents might miraculously become that. Now I've given up. They've said and done too many things that they can't even see are totally unacceptable.

That article is just brilliant, thank you so much for sharing x

I'd like to say thank you to everyone who responded. It's been really helpful to have comments from so many who "get it" (though I'm sorry that I realise that this may mean you have been through similar in your own life) and are able to validate some of my thinking/actions.
I'm not sure why I've left a route of communication in place so far - maybe a small vestige of misplaced hope? Thanks to this thread, the landline will be at least be unplugged now (just a couple of people we need to warn first but will be in next day or so).

For those who don't get it, it's still been useful to see what my parents/a random outsider might make of the situation.

For reasons I've explained on here, and others I haven't, I won't be getting in contact with them. I see no point and I'm not prepared to be hurt any more.

Thank you - this does look very interesting, I will have a read through.

If you know your mum is a narcissist and your dad her enabler - MAINTAIN NC.
Stay strong and don't look back. Narcissists do not care. Do not feel guilt and have no remorse for what they did wrong. STAY CLEAR!

Absolutely this.

Value and protect your mental health.
I wouldn't want my child near them.

Trust your gut on this one.
To those that ask about your family, be vague, ....you are not close etc.

Nobodys business but your own.
Explain nothing.

Ah! Have you ever heard the Narcissist’s Prayer? If not, it’s something else you might find helpful.

I think you’re doing the right thing not engaging. People who haven’t dealt with it will truly never understand. Wishing you the best.

Blocked my surviving parent on phone/SM, moved home and never divulged my new address (although this was by design and before going NC), stopped sending cards etc.

No interest in a reconciliation, or even an explanatory conversation, and absolutely no risk of an inadvertent meeting/being caught on the hop.

It's bliss.

Another saying no drip feeds at all. I clocked my in-laws in your OP right away.

Sod all this "solution-orientated" bollocks. You didn't fuck up so YOU don't need to sort it.

If someone can't figure out what they did wrong by retracing their steps to the last interaction and having a modicum of critical thought, then by God, it is not your place to right letters or explain things to them.

Bloody well then you OP for having boundaries. Unplug the phone.

*write
*bloody well done you, OP

Apologies for typos.

narcissistic people will PLAY THE VICTIM when you go there. Everything will be your fault and not theres. They DONOT ACCEPT or ever ADMIT they are wrong. STAY NO CONTACT AND STAY CLEAR! As for involving their grandchild DEFINATE NO! Is easy for them to turn your daughter against you. STAY CLEAR! Please for your and your daughters safety STAY NO CONTACT.

I came to this thread to post that link.

The last conversation with my mother went a lot like that.

I'm not speaking to her now either. YANBU.

It’s remarkable how many of these people are out there.

And equally remarkable that all the people bleating, ’you’ll miss her when she’s gone’, ‘nothing’s more important than family!’, seemingly never see it.

It is amazing how many of these absolutely shitty parents exist.

And while those of us with shitty parents can totally appreciate that some people have great or even just bog standard parents, it seems that reverse is so much harder!

When you know what terrible things have been done and said to a child (and carried on to an adult), cutting those people out your life is heaven and they are not missed...and we won't care when they're 'gone'.

Trying to see both sides, over time exact events can be confused in our brains on both sides, I get on well with my parents but there are things mum swears bling happened like x and I think it's y, there's even things I have proof she is wrong and she isn't having any of it. Basically I'm saying that your version and their version of these many events that led to this situation may both be very real to you.

I would also say that as people age they get more stuck in their ways and more intolerant which doesn't help you.

If you want to restore some sort of relationship I suggest a written letter explaining your complete position and constructively what you want to happen to restart your contact with them and on what terms it will be. They can then digest it and make a decision, however if it doesn't work you have reached out so can have a clean conscience

Need to read full thread.

Thank goodness your brother is out too, and presumably you're on good terms. These narcs often drive wedges between siblings. Keep on living your best life, OP