I've been NC with my parents for over a year. Today they rang up and asked why

[immersedinfog]

I wrote a much longer message but then deleted it.
Suffice to say that a year ago, following a disagreement where my parents were even more nasty than they usually are, I came to realise that they had been emotionally abusing me my whole life. I've been non contact ever since and have seen my mental health and stress levels drastically improve.

My parents have continued to ring our landline (unfortunately can't block them on it) every couple of weeks leaving generic messages asking me to call.

Today, just over a year later, they rang and left a message asking why I was not talking to them and they didn't understand why I'd reacted so drastically.

Funnily enough, one of the main reasons for going NC was that they simply don't see how appalling their behaviour is. The only thing that would make me resume contact would be for them to come to me and say that they had reflected on how they had behaved, apologised for what they'd done and were sincerely trying to change. So, I think I now know the answer about whether we will be in contact again.

Not sure of the purpose of this post really. Just interested to know if others have been through similar, and most of all, if anyone had any insight into why they waited over a year to ask "why?" (If one of my DC had stopped talking to me and I genuinely had no idea why, I think that would be the first thing I'd ask!)

(I know MN doesn't like "narcisstic" being thrown about, and I'm clearly not qualified to diagnose but I do suspect my mother is narcisstic and my father her enabler).

I don't talk to my father. He claims to be perplexed as to why. It's been 5 years and I feel much better for it. He behaved utterly atrociously and just can't or won't own it.

Only you know what is right for you.

What’s a letter going to say that hasn’t already been said?

The parents have no interest in having a respectful relationship with her. This is what OP said “both parents hurling a stream of abuse at me generally outlining what a dreadful despicable person I am.” and you are encouraging her to go back for more of that. Why on earth are you asking her to go and be abused?

It is so difficult because in this behaviour your parents are operating from a completely different point of view. Any wrong they do is minimal, any thing you or whom ever they blame for things gets wrong is overstated in their head. So in essence in their point of view the persecutor is the persecuted. They genuinely don’t see themselves as they are and are in complete denial about the issues.

My SIL had a deeply traumatic upbringing. She recently described in detail pretty accurately how this has affected her sibling but acknowledges none of the exact same behaviour she displays. We have it across both families, it is so difficult to deal with it because in essence it is gaslighting but gaslighting they truly believe.

That's all well and good but people are different and can handle things differently.

Some people are more solution orientated..

@immersedinfog your actual handset allows the block!!

A letter would be seen as an attack on them and they will act accordingly. You cannot even attempt to reason with people who blame the now adult child for all their inherent ills. Radio silence is the best defence against such toxic parents.

Change the landline number and think no more about it. It’s a black hole of denial they will drag you in. Ignore and change number.

It's really difficult to say without having some idea of what they did. Sometimes I think the whole no contact thing is just hysteria and the other side might have a totally different take on things (I say this as the person in the middle of 3 different families who are NC with each other and whilst they believe in their individual justifications I really can't see what all the fuss is about and just wish they'd get over it

And some of us have 25 years working in Mental Health with people who have been damaged by abusive families - and they always claim they have no idea why they have been cut off when their victims finally say enough and manage to make the break. If you cant offer anything but snotty comments, perhaps you should bore off.

I have a sky contract including the phone. You can block individual numbers on it

There are no solutions to parents who behave like the original poster’s apart from dropping the rope they hold out to her. The only point of view that matters to them is their own and any dissent from the now adult child is not tolerated.

Switch off the answerphone?

Have you ever explained to them exactly why you don't want contact with them? It doesn't matter for now how they might react or what they might do - but have you actually told them, with lots of examples (because obviously no one cuts contacts with their parents for just a few mistakes).

It doesn't matter if they deny it or get defensive or get angry at you - but you do need to tell them. You shouldn't let your fear of how they might react be a reason not to be honest with them.

I know all my family members (siblings and the parent) are bewildered about the decision of one sibling to cut off his parent. He hasn't done enough to explain his reasons for any of us to be able to understand. He needs to be more honest. Maybe he avoids that because he is in denial that he might possibly be in the wrong just the tiniest bit.

Obviously, I am talking about my family above ^ and the same doesn't apply to you. But to go NC with no explanation is questionable, imvho.

The disagreement when we last spoke was because I was trying to explain why I disliked their behaviour.
I say trying because I never finished the explanation as they then did and said the following without really letting me get another word in (and yes I wrote this down soon after it happened because I wanted to make sure I didn't forget it).

1. Refused to accept any of my examples
2. Told me I was being over sensitive
3. Told me none of what I said had happened
4. But if it did happen then it wasn't that bad and I was over-reacting
5. That my memory was obviously at fault because I couldn't remember some random thing they dragged up that happened when I was 5
6. That I was making it all up
7. That I always did have a vivid imagination
8. That I was just inventing things to make them feel sorry for me
9. That I always had been a drama queen
10. That they were older than me and therefore their version of events was correct and mine was not
11. But that they couldn't be expected to remember things that happened in the past but they knew my version was wrong anyway
12. If it did happen it was probably my fault
13. I was behaving like a toddler and adults didn't worry about things like this
14. Much worse things happened to them so I had no right to complain about anything

They then progressed to personal insults. They then progressed to telling DD they were sorry for her having a mother like me and that I was planning to abandon her when she turned 18 (that probably was the final straw moment, actually - they could say what they liked to me but seeing it impact my children was too much). They then threw me and DD out.

So you will see why I am not overkeen to try to explain again.

Having had conversations with some of my MiL’s friends* who have been estranged from their adult children, I suspect your parents have waited a year to ask because up until now they have been using some placeholder based on their negative opinions of you. Something like “Oh, immersed is so touchy about everything.” Or “immersed hears criticism in everything we say, even when it’s nice!”, etc. But now it’s been a year and the reason is wearing thin, and more importantly it isn’t giving them access to you, so they are using the “we don’t understand” phrase to try and reel you back in.

*My MiL is great, not someone I’d likely be friends with if we weren’t related as have different approaches to life, but she’s a staunch supporter of family and has been welcoming, thoughtful and really helpful. But some of her friends are seriously batshit. They are mean and judgemental, seem to know an inordinate number of people who have died terrible and unusual deaths (the stories for which are always a morality tale), and have very strained relationships with their children.

Well both of your lasts posts are bloody massive dripfeeds aren't they 🙄 If you'd put either in your OP you would have received totally different replies.

@MaxTalk there are times when going NC is the solution. If you genuinely believe that there are no such things as parents so awful and abusive that going NC is the only thing that will preserve someone's health and sanity, you must live a truly golden life.

If not face to face, I’d send them a letter explain g your position (again I imagine).

The first voice message you’ll get will tell you clearly where you stand.

They then progressed to telling DD they were sorry for her having a mother like me and that I was planning to abandon her when she turned 18 (that probably was the final straw moment, actually - they could say what they liked to me but seeing it impact my children was too much).
They then threw me and DD out.

ok that would have been the final straw for me.

Change your tel number.
But I’d be ready to see them turning up at your door instead….

I would send them one message, pretty much saying what you did here about how it will only work if they own their mistakes. Apologise and change. Just one more very final chance for them to step up.
If their response is anything other than pretty much 'we completely see and understand your feelings and will do anything to rebuild the relationship. We are so sorry for the hurt we caused you and want to make amends, no matter what it takes.'
Then disconnect landline or change the number. Block on other things and don't respond to letters or messages via others.

If someone smacked you in the face and then looked puzzled when you cried, you’d think they were insane. If they rang you up asking why you won’t let them access your face for more smacking anymore, you’d be speechless.
How can anyone who smacks me in the face not know that this is why I avoid them!?
But it is not your job to teach the face smacker the reasons for your reaction. It is their job to analyse their behaviour and conclude what the problem has been, apologise and resolve not to do it again.
This is not going to happen. And it is not your job to do anything about it, no matter what heartstrings they pull.
Their pain is not worth more than your pain.
As soon as your face comes back nicely into reach…
You know this.

See to me, that was all obvious in the first posts. It didn’t need spelling out. I guess you either recognise the dynamic or you don’t.

100% not this. Only those with narcissistic parents will know the heartbreak and pain from giving their parent and enabler a chance over and over and over again, until the day you cannot accept it anymore and choose yourself. Closing the door on the constant re-injury and suffering and bravely walking away. You’ve been so brave to make the decision to save yourself from any more abuse. Anyone who says, “it’s family” “all things can be talked out” with respect have the privilege of not having a clue what it’s like to live this way. For most people it’s a terrible grief to need to make this choice, of not only coming to terms with what they never had, but also coming to terms with what they will never have. Nobody makes a decision like this lightly,

When does one more final chance stop?

Why wasn’t the last time OP tried the final one?

Why one more now and not one more next time they claim not to understand?

What’s the rationale here?