I've been NC with my parents for over a year. Today they rang up and asked why

[immersedinfog]

I wrote a much longer message but then deleted it.
Suffice to say that a year ago, following a disagreement where my parents were even more nasty than they usually are, I came to realise that they had been emotionally abusing me my whole life. I've been non contact ever since and have seen my mental health and stress levels drastically improve.

My parents have continued to ring our landline (unfortunately can't block them on it) every couple of weeks leaving generic messages asking me to call.

Today, just over a year later, they rang and left a message asking why I was not talking to them and they didn't understand why I'd reacted so drastically.

Funnily enough, one of the main reasons for going NC was that they simply don't see how appalling their behaviour is. The only thing that would make me resume contact would be for them to come to me and say that they had reflected on how they had behaved, apologised for what they'd done and were sincerely trying to change. So, I think I now know the answer about whether we will be in contact again.

Not sure of the purpose of this post really. Just interested to know if others have been through similar, and most of all, if anyone had any insight into why they waited over a year to ask "why?" (If one of my DC had stopped talking to me and I genuinely had no idea why, I think that would be the first thing I'd ask!)

(I know MN doesn't like "narcisstic" being thrown about, and I'm clearly not qualified to diagnose but I do suspect my mother is narcisstic and my father her enabler).

You should change your landline number for a start so they can’t keep phoning you like this.

I have been through it. If they are like my parents you could write your reasons on a light-up sign and they would still say they didn’t know why you cut contact.

Only you know your parents. If they have been emotionally abusive all of your life, then it’s likely just one of their games designed to get a reaction from you.

How do you feel about the message?

I don't know the answers to this. My DH has a similar thing with his dad - he's told him what the problem is but his dad refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing or any mother whatsoever, plays the victim for a while then periodically "forgets" and the cycle starts again.

Not sure there is an answer apart from prolonged NC / low contact. They are who they are. We can't change them. You know what's good for your health and you should prioritise that.

"Wrong doing" not "mother". No idea where that autocorrect came from

You say you have explained your thinking but seems like you may need to sit them down and do so again.

They are obviously in pain so it would seem the right thing to do to go over, take them out and have a proper chat.

Most things are salvageable IME.

You have seen your MH improve. Don't give that up. They won't change. You will just begin the cycle again. You maybe favoured briefly but it wouldn't last.

I wouldn't do this. They're abusive so they'll just find another way to hurt you if you explain again. Healthy family relationships are salvageable but not if there is a narcissist in the picture. Narcissists just want attention. Protect that mental health of yours - that's the only important thing here.

Protect your mental health and unplug your landline telephone (if someone else uses it to reach you, give them your mobile number).

Sometimes people cannot see their own behaviour until it is spelled out to them. Only people who are very self aware are able to go through life knowing who they are but when you consider how many people end up in counselling sessions you can see there aren't actually that many who are aware of their own failings and behavious.

I would speak to them one last time to explain. Or write a letter. Consider it closure for you all but hopefully they will learn how much they have hurt you and are able to apologise so you can all move forward together.

100% this. It’s the right thing to do.

I think you might find this interesting/helpful/illuminating: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

I’d definitely get rid of the landline. We moved house and my mum no longer knows where I live. It’s wonderful. It doesn’t stop her send an email every 3 months or so, but I can ignore those, and they don’t cause the same feeling of panic as seeing her pop up on my phone does.

They don’t really want to know why (they know why). It’s just another way to bait you to engage. Just ignore. Put as much distance as you possibly can between you and carry on. Mine has never asked why (she’s asked why I won’t just get over it), but what she’s told everyone else about why we don’t have a relationship is completely made up. This is a pretty good indicator for me that she’s not interested in addressing the real reason.

Most landlines will let you block numbers with *60.

I won't be doing this.

It might be the "right" thing to do, but every time I've tried in the past it results in my mother having a tantrum and both parents hurling a stream of abuse at me generally outlining what a dreadful despicable person I am. My life is much better not having to talk to them and being on edge waiting for them to react.

If they really wanted to know "why", why has it taken a year to ask?

Maintain radio silence and change your landline number.

Thanks; sadly not ours. It might be that getting rid of it altogether is the best idea, as suggested on here.

Write them a letter then?

You dont have to get rid of your landline, just unplug it. Job done.

How do you feel about the message?

I don't know really. I'd got used to thinking they weren't that interested in whether I got in touch or not, so this is a change to dynamic. But, I'm already familiar with the "doing something to provoke a reaction" tactic and also practiced in not reacting.

I should perhaps have put in my OP that my brother went NC with my parents a year before I did and their reaction to him has been totally different - they left lots of abusive messages; turned up at his house unannounced and were generally very unpleasant to him and SIL and pretty much refused to go until he talked to them, and then changed their tactics and started offering money. So I've been bemused by my parents' response to me which has been very much pretending nothing has happened.

I think the posters saying to get rid of the landline are right. I don't need them messing with my head like this.

We have been NC with in laws for almost 5 years. DHs dad doesn't even know why but has said that he supports his wife! WTF.

I think sometimes people can't believe that parents can act this way when they haven't experienced it.

Agree with all PPs to get rid of the phone.

You will always be wrong, they will always be right or the victim. You don't need them in your life.

Unplug the phone tonight! They do not have a right to be part of your life. You deserve better than this. Concentrate on yourself and those friends and family who care about you.

I would advise that you stay NC. They sound dreadful people to have in your life even if they are your parents.
The trouble with people like this is that even if you write them a letter, spell out how their behaviour has upset and offended you repeatedly either face to face or on the phone they just won't recognise themselves in it and will maintain that they have done nothing wrong.
People like your parents put themselves at the centre of their own world.
Toxic. Unplug your phone OP and enjoy your life.

So this thread and the responses have been useful for me to get my thoughts together.

I think my visceral feeling of total panic to the idea of having to express my reasons in a letter to a level that my parents might accept (probably wouldn't), and imagining how they would respond, underlines how right I was to cut them off. I've also realised I don't want to salvage a relationship unless they change in a way that I do not believe they are capable of doing. I don't owe them anything. If they'd been decent parents I would have done. But they chose not to be.

Abusers never think they are abusive. They have justified their behaviour in their own heads. That’s how they can behave this way over and over without guilt or self loathing or trying to change.

Explaining to them why their behaviour is appalling is not going to work. They will just come up with justifications and decide you are wrong. Also probably throw criticisms at you to deflect from their own behaviour.

If you feel so much happier being NC - cut them off. Nobody really needs a landline these days right?

Ignore OP and get rid of the landline. You don’t need them messing with your head again, they won’t change.

No - absolutely not. There is a great forum for people estranged from their parents by a psychologist who specialises in this area. She says that parents who have estranged children always come in saying that they dont know why the estrangement happened. Then tell her the reason almost immediately. It is not that they dont know the reason, they just dont accept the reason.

OP - check it out - Down the Rabbit Hole: The world of estranged parents' forums | Issendai.com