DP wants a baby at 50, I don't.

[SherylAnn]

Backstory : I have three children already under 10, late 40s. New partner of 1 year (50) who I love. He has admitted he wants children of his own. I want to let him go but he wants me still. How can I make the relationship work without more children

You can't compare celebrities' to the average Joe, and you don't know what assistance they had. My FIL is 65 and is a wreck, he's had cancer twice and a stroke recently. It's laughable that he could be a father to a teenager. My DH's uncle recently died in his late 50's leaving a teenager and early 20's son behind. Yes some factors are lifestyle related but your risk of health problems increases a lot as you age. This man had decades to decide he wanted children. I'm 39 and pregnant with my second (and likely last) DS and my DH is the same age and think that's pushing it a bit.

You’ve only known him 5 minutes.

You have 3 young kids and you need to be there for them. To risk having a bad time healthwise yourself being pregnant at nearly 50 would be bad parenting of your existing children - as you know, but your partner does not seem to understand.

Your risk of miscarriage at your age is over 50%. Why would someone who presumably loves you risk your health and the grief and physical issues of a miscarriage. Doesn't he understand the human body?

This article is from netmums...

Unfortunately, the risks of certain types of pregnancy complications do increase with age, particularly from about age 35 onwards.
Sadly, the risk of miscarriage and stillbirth is much higher in older women.

According to Tommy's, the risk of miscarriage is 10% for women under 30, rising to 50% for women over 45.
A 2008 study found that older women are sadly more likely to have stillbirths, too. This is particularly true after 40 weeks of pregnancy, so older mums may be more likely to be offered induction. However, stillbirth is still rare, even in older mums-to-be.
Other risks that increase with age include:

• Gestational diabetes – according to the NHS, this is four times more common in women over 40 vs women in their 20s and early 30s.
• Needing a C-section – about twice as common in older mothers, especially first-time mums
• Macrosomia (having a big baby)
• Down's Syndrome and other chromosome problems – research suggests that the risk of having a baby with Down's Syndrome after the age of 45 is about 3.5% (vs an estimated 0.08% for women aged 25).

This may sound scary, but if you do get pregnant at 50, your midwife and doctor will give you the best care possible. You'll be offered extra scans to check on your baby, and your midwife will give you plenty of help and advice to make sure you have the healthiest pregnancy possible.

Honestly, I don’t think your dh understands the ramifications of having a child at this age.

I heard an interview few years ago with some semi famous person - their wife had to sit down when she hit 40 and say now or never for kids - and he pushed back thinking they still has lots of time she was very firm despite being few years older than her. They ended up few years in IVF route with may up and down before had child - son.

Few year after that in park playing football it suddenly hit him how much older he was than his own Dad who used to do that with him - and how old he'd be when his son would be leaving home.

I don't think men get the same messaging women do about fertility - but I think there has to be a huge amount of denial about aging in there as well.

Op I don't think you can be anything but be as clear with him as you have been. It's an him issue to resolve make choices about - your stance has been very clear.

You’ve been very clear, rightly so.

The ball is now in his court. Nothing more you can do. Tell him he needs to choose because he can’t have both.

However: I would be cautious if he says he’s choosing you over kids. He may well change his mind a year or two down the line. I would treat it as a fun relationship but not necessarily a keeper (eg don’t move in together).

There's only 2 solutions, he gives up on the idea of children and you continue the relationship or the relationship ends and he goes and finds a partner that wants the same things as he does.
If he decides to stay, he cannot do so with the thought in the back of his head that you may change your mind or that he might convince you. Also he cannot use it guilt trip you with "I gave up having children for you" narratives.
Realistically, it may be best to call it a day.

Hello all,

Just to reply to these posts :

Yes - he's a serious partner and ive known him since he had previous partners too. He was always worried whether they could financially have a baby so never had one/never the right time/whether the woman was right. This is a common issue - never the right time. PP was right in the sense it might be a sense of mortality worrying him. I have no worries about cheating but i also dont want someone who always regrets.

Children have a father - who although not perfect, is still their father so im not looking for a replacement.

He wouldnt accept risk of defects/the thought of it but i suspect he is also ND

Surely by late 40s, the decision is rather out of your hands anyway?

In all truth, I wouldn't be upturning my own life, and that of my existing kids for a man I've known a year.

If he brings it up, a casual shrug and a "sorry, that ship has sailed." and returning immediately to what you were doing, is all that's required.

Whether he stays or goes is up to him. But I think "no more kids" is a perfectly fair non-negotiable at both your ages.

So you’ve met a man and after one year he’s moved in?

How are your existing kids about all this? New partner, new baby boy on the cards?

You are 100% right to say no to more kids on quite a few grounds.

But I’m more worried about you current children, not your future ones.

Why have things moved so quickly with someone else to this point. Isn’t it all a bit too rapid? Sounds like a lot of drama if you’re posting on here.

Yes let him go. Focus on your kids. He’s selfish to put pressure on you like that.

It seems to be all about him and what he wants and his little kid running around at your expense.

He hasnt moved in?

Well if he’s ND and at your ages you have a high risk of having a ND child. The older you are the more likely it it. And it runs in families. I’ve got two ND kids myself. Adore them. But it’s heart breaking and very very very hard work, mentally emotionally and at times physically.

Why would you have kids with someone you don’t know you could live with?
Will you live separately then?

Can i clarify - we dont live together (no plans) and i do not want more children. I havent upturned my children's lives in any way - they have a good relationship with their father who has his own partner. I would like this relationship to work out but i understand that we may be at a crossroads.

What is there to say?

No one can advise really.

It’s his choice.

How can I make the relationship work without more children

No, you can't make this relationship work, regardless of whether you have a baby with him or not. He's 50 and has no concept of what starting and raising a family means.Whatever happens it will all fall on you.

He wouldnt accept risk of defects/the thought of it but i suspect he is also ND

You already have three children who need you more than you need him.

There's no doubt you're right, the biological clock is there for so many real and solid reasons.

Realistically this is probably the beginning of the end of your relationship.

He was always worried whether they could financially have a baby so never had one/never the right time/whether the woman was right. This is a common issue - never the right time

Well if it really was that important to him I think he'd have prioritized it - it was what I and DH did.

There's a right wing commentary about birth gap who thinks this is going to be an increasingly huge problem people - men and women just waiting too long.

But some posters on here countered with well is it just a way of not admitting you didn't really want them and then suddenly realising the choice is just gone and it's all very final - which did make me wonder - though there will always be some unlucky people who feel they never had the choice due to what life threw at them.

Good point, I agree. I was talking about an older child with an older father. A young child with a dad in their late 60s onwards isn't fair at all.

@SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun thats what i think - i had children because i wanted them and time felt like it was running out too. Friends who waited unfortunately didnt meet anyone or had fertility issues. I think he thought there was always time and then suddenly there wasnt time because the relationships ended.

Carrie and Boris? He's obviously rich though, so maybe that's a factor.

He'd have to find someone willing to have a child with him first though. Meeting someone youre attracted to that also wants the same things as you do can take years. He could be edging towards 60 by that point. Also, realistically not many women in their 20s or 30s would want a 50 year old man. Or want to start a family with someone as old as their own father. His options are very limited and it sounds like he needs to come to terms with the fact he may never have his own children.

@XiCi i would say he would find it difficult to find someone who is in a decent position in life though easy to find someone who will rely on him. It's certainly more about coming to terms with not having his own children

Honestly he's left it too late at 50. He'll be 60 when the child's 10! It's selfish of him to think of this at his age. I'd say no to children,especially when you already have 3. There's more risk of having a disabled child from an older egg e.g. downs. If he keeps asking then end it with him. He'd need a woman in their 30s to try with.

You don't need to make life work. You just have to be. You're at a lifestage where more children is not only undesirable but unlikely. Unless he's a fool he knew that when he started a relationship with you. Its not up to you to ease his decision for him. Your job is just to be you, at the stage you're at, and his job is to decide whether he wants that or will let you go for the considerable gamble of finding a young woman who wants children and wants a 50 year old to father them.

OP, I've read all your responses, including the fact that you think your DP is ND. I'm watching so many parents around me struggling with ND children (ADHD and ASD seem to be much more common than in the past) and from what I've read there's both a genetic link and an age-related link. I would absolutely not, in your situation, contemplate having a child with this man even if it was possible.

He's probably feeling regretful that he's put off having a child for so long and possibly sees you, with your children, as a suitable mother for his child. You need to be really clear that that this isn't going to happen (not saying you haven't already, but if he's ND you might have to work at it) and that if he's serious about this he'll need to leave you and find someone else. If he wanted time to work out where he stood I might give him a couple of months to make a decision — but I'd be using contraception in that time and if he he decided to stay but then started up the 'I want a baby' number again I'd end the relationship.