DP wants a baby at 50, I don't.

[SherylAnn]

Backstory : I have three children already under 10, late 40s. New partner of 1 year (50) who I love. He has admitted he wants children of his own. I want to let him go but he wants me still. How can I make the relationship work without more children

He needs to go and find a younger woman whilst he still can.
Staying with you will lead to unhappiness further down the line.

I had my last child at 40. I’ll still be supporting him through uni at 62!

Honestly, I don’t think your dh understands the ramifications of having a child at this age. Does he really want to be parenting a teen in his late 60’s? Supporting offspring through uni in his 70’s?

Our youngest is awesome but the weight of responsibility at this age is hard!

I think at 50 a lot of people, both men and women don't feel or even look particularly old. However, in a decades time when they're 60 with a ten year old and doing the school pick up from primary, they will probably be feeling their age and reality will hit

Some make it sound so easy to meet the right person to settle down with. Sometimes it just isn't.

She's not stringing him along though. I agree that she should be very clear about her position but it sounds as if she has been.

He will leave you in a flash if he finds someone that will have his babies. Dump him and get on with your life instead of wasting your time with him when you could find someone who wants you just as you are! 💝

I am sure some younger women go for older rich men but it's certainly not super common.

Lets be blunt.....most young women who have relationships and babies with wealthy, famous older men are doing it because it's a life long, gold plated, pay check.

They don't prioritise the possible risks of that man's 55, 60, 70, 80 year old sperm..... Because their eyes are on other things. And they know they'll have as much paid help as they like.

A certain Kanye West song is relevant.

Since you want to let him go anyway I'd stand your ground and let him find someone else to have children with.

I think you need to at the very least tell him to go and take some time away from you and think about what he wants. In no way are you willing to have another child, so he has 2 options. 1. A life with you without his own child. But he’s going to have to do some soul searching to work out if this is something he’ll come to resent you for. or 2. You break up and he finds someone willing to have a baby with a 50 year old man. I think he’ll find that not many women are going to be selfish enough to do that to their children.

You want such fundamentally different things that if you stay together I don't think there is an easy solution that doesn't involve resentment down the line.

He sounds completely irrational.

He's decided he wants his own kids.

There's next to no chance that would happen naturally.

IVF would be hard (on you), expensive, and no decent clinic would advise you to use your own eggs. So you'd be a vessel for his & an anonymous Spanish student's biological baby.
His sperm is still a risk.

And all this when you have 3 kids under 10 to look after.

He's not thinking of your kids best interests, is he?

He's not thinking of yours either.

You've only been involved with him for a year. How long ago did you split from your children's father, and did they have to adjust to being kids of separated/divorced parents, and move home (?)

Why, after a year, are his ridiculous and unrealistic ideas, a potential factor in their lives?
This would be too soon even if you were both of a suitable age.

This man lives in cloud cuckoo land.

Wants his own kids but when you say (correctly) the relationship will have to end, he doesn't want to.

He's not good with reality, is he?

At half a century old.

Have you said “under no circumstances and I having another baby”. Sometimes people hear “I don’t want more” as I can be persuaded.

He’s wanting to continue the relationship with you under false pretences really isn’t he. Did he know your position before he became your partner or has his longing for a baby of his own, only just come to light. Surely he realised when he found out how old you are, a year ago.

You’ve made it clear that’s it’s a no. You are done with pregnancy babies and very young children.
Biology makes it clear it’s almost certainly not going to happen.
And yet he still persists, which is putting all the onus on you to find a solution for him.
There is no happy solution fir you to give him. It’s not just one year too late, it’s ten years too late.

He has to decide if he wants a baby more than he wants you. It’s a risk for him if he should decide to leave you and look for somebody else who is willing to have a family with him. But it’s not going to happen with you.

It goes without saying that you must put yourself and your family first. You are right to hold your position. Tell him that sad as he feels, he now needs space to go work it all out for himself.

You break up and he finds someone willing to have a baby with a 50 year old man.

If he's well off, he'll probably get one.

If he isn't, it's unlikely.

If he truly loves you he would accept your decision and move on from it. He'd feel complete with you and your children, not crave what he doesn't have. I hope you're okay OP!

The other option is that he comes to an arrangement with a woman who wants a sperm donor.

This happens through places like pollen tree.

They negotiate how much involvement he has in the child's life.

This could be very complicated though, and if it breaks down, lots of legal expenses and stress.

You would then also be in a step parent, blended family situation.

It's unlikely to work.

Also, if I was looking for a sperm donor, I would probably be looking at age as an important factor. There's a reason fertility clinics don't generally take donor sperm from men over 39.

(People don't know basic facts like that ...... They focus on the woman all the time. They conveniently think that because it's possible for most men til old age, that it's simple. It's not simple).

Totally agree. My DH is 53 and will be in his 60s when our youngest DD is in her teens. Admittedly, we didn't plan to have her so much older but my DH is most definitely not decrepit or past it. He is bloody knackered sometimes but he loves his DC more than anything, and I'd say older fathers are sometimes wiser etc and bring more experience.

Very unfair for her existing children for her to treat him as no-strings fun.
The last thing she needs is for them to get more and more attached to him and for him to walk off. Leaving her children upset.

at 43, with 2 grown (almost) kids and a disability, more is 100% off the table for me, and i have made that VERY clear with 2 of my last partners who were making family noises when i was 38 and 40, both have gone on to find others, the current one doesn't want them either, so we're happily muddling along enjoying each others company.

You just have to be clear and firm that it won't be happening and you won't be changing your mind and leave it up to him to decide

His age and wants are irrelevant here. You feel your family is complete and you have been honest about this. He needs to leave or let it go.

He might be clueless.

Equal chance he might manipulative - making sure he has a way out (had to leave because he wants kids) and a big stick to beat you with meantime (generously staying with the selfish barren woman he gave up children for)

Relationships are not fun all the time but at this stage in life do you really want to take on a relationship that’s such a risky venture from the get-go?

To be blunt, would he even be fertile himself? He may get a shock if he has tests. Male fertility wanes from the forties I believe and he is fifty.
Also, if has never had kids, for all he knows there's a chance he could have undiagnosed long-standing fertility issues.
I think there is a lot of denial and ignorance around male fertility. Many of the famous older dads will have used fertility assistance of some kind, I'd bet.

Wow , he’s dreaming !

No-strings fun is what you have when your children are not around.
Obviously.
Sleepovers, schooltrips, with their other parent, visiting wider family.

The point is we aren't talking about someone being in their 60s with a teen. We are taking about someone being 60 with a primary aged child.
70 when they are still at uni.

While the age people are living to has gone up. There are many in their 70s with serious health issues, propped up with medication, sticks and zimmers. Hidden out of sight. Needing support.

Would be tough for a young person trying to get a toe on the career ladder while dealing with issues many don't face until they are in their 40s with elderly parents.

Another thing to consider, even young parents look forward to a night off when kiddo goes to Grannys thats certainly not an option if your in your 50s and Granny is 80s.

Op already has her hands full with 3 kids. Why add another to the mix.