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Original poster

Ever stayed in a relationship after infidelity?

103 replies

Sage90 · 10/09/2024 19:13

Hi. Looking for perspective whilst in an emotional rutt.

Has anyone ever stayed with a partner after they have been unfaithful (in any way) and if so, what was the outcome? Can it ever work?

OP posts:
PinkLady1979 · 10/09/2024 19:15

After the partner has been unfaithful or after you have been unfaithful? Assume the partner?

Original poster
Sage90 · 10/09/2024 19:19

PinkLady1979 · 10/09/2024 19:15

After the partner has been unfaithful or after you have been unfaithful? Assume the partner?

Them, sorry

OP posts:
PinkLady1979 · 10/09/2024 19:22

Firstly, so sorry. There are many examples and people that will say that it can work but it takes will, dedication and desire on both sides. It also takes complete honesty so that the marriage can be rebuilt. It is hard though and sometimes it is not possible.

what would you like to happen?

theboywantstogoupthefield · 10/09/2024 19:23

A one night stand yes. Managed to recover from it but it was not easy and took years tbh

Original poster
Sage90 · 10/09/2024 19:24

PinkLady1979 · 10/09/2024 19:22

Firstly, so sorry. There are many examples and people that will say that it can work but it takes will, dedication and desire on both sides. It also takes complete honesty so that the marriage can be rebuilt. It is hard though and sometimes it is not possible.

what would you like to happen?

Thank you. I honestly don't know. My view on it has always been "if it happened I would leave immediately". Its still very raw, but I'm still unsure what to do.
It's happened with my ex's too but this time seems a bit harder, because the relationship seemed great otherwise.

Can anyone ever really get over/get past it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sage90 · 10/09/2024 19:25

theboywantstogoupthefield · 10/09/2024 19:23

A one night stand yes. Managed to recover from it but it was not easy and took years tbh

Thank you. It was messages one night - she replied a week later and he carried it on that night

OP posts:
PinkLady1979 · 10/09/2024 19:25

I would say that a longstanding emotional affair where there was love between the affair partners is very difficult to get over but not insurmountable if both parties want to try and make it work

Original poster
Sage90 · 10/09/2024 19:26

PinkLady1979 · 10/09/2024 19:25

I would say that a longstanding emotional affair where there was love between the affair partners is very difficult to get over but not insurmountable if both parties want to try and make it work

Thank you. Not longstanding affair or anything for me personally, but still wanted to know experiences of others

OP posts:
OnACloud · 10/09/2024 19:28

We tried to fix the marriage after discovering my husband had an affair. There were times I thought it would work but he left after a year and now we are divorcing. I’m sorry if you’re going through something similar.

TellySavalashairbrush · 10/09/2024 19:28

I did the classic ‘pick me’ dance when it occurred in my first marriage. I left about a year later . Couldn’t cope with the intrusive thoughts , but I know of other couples that have managed to get through it together.

samanthablues · 10/09/2024 19:28

I did. Relationship of five years, half way through the relationship he slept with a friend in our social circle, it was a drunken one night stand. I found out next day because both of them told me (they were very shameful and totally regretted it but blamed it on alcohol). I was devastated to say the least. We had a long conversation, he asked me for forgiveness. We decided to move on. We completely forgot about it and spent together 3 more happy years never to mention it again. Eventually I got a new job, him too and we separated for issues that had nothing to do with his past infidelity.
I believe something like a drunken one night stand is forgivable, but a longer time affair is absolutely not.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 10/09/2024 19:28

I'm in this situation at the moment. Too early to say yet whether we can get past it. We've been going for counselling and he says all the right things but I feel he's slipping back to complacency, nothing nasty just a bit lazy, his normal self really and I suppose I'm looking for extra all the time to keep showing me he's sorry etc - pretty unrealistic to be fair, who can really live like that. So overall it's nice and fine day to day but underneath it's unresolved (don't know what that means as I have no idea what 'resolution' could look like) and in reality I feel old and unattractive and a bit shit really. I should have the balls to leave but I like my life and my family and our home and schools and I love the stupid fucker. So there it is.

Honest00lad · 10/09/2024 19:39

Very sorry to hear the pain you are going through.
He has made a very bad choice and I suspect he will regret it forever.
I don't know If you can rebuild the trust but it's a long process.

I know porn gets a bad wrap on here but if he'd watched that to fix his desires for other women, it would have saved a lot of heartache.

Sleepychicken · 10/09/2024 19:55

my dp had an affair when we’d been together 4 years and dd was 2. I left the home with dd - I had somewhere to go, he didn’t. We were apart 3 months. The affair ended and we worked on the relationship slowly and I moved back home. Both parties have to want to mend the relationship, we went on to have ds and have now been together 20 years. I’ll never forget the pain but I have forgiven and we are stronger than ever. I trust him but if he ever cheated again I would never forgive him and he knows this. I’m sorry you are going through this but if you both want the relationship to work and are willing to put the effort in then you can get past it, but if one of you isn’t willing to try then the relationship is over.

autumn1610 · 10/09/2024 20:00

No experience myself but my partners parents are still together after an affair believe it went on for a while (dad) happened when DP was around 15/16 and now mid 30’s when I found out I was shocked as I never could tell with how they are with each other, totally loving towards each other

Original poster
Sage90 · 10/09/2024 20:02

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 10/09/2024 19:28

I'm in this situation at the moment. Too early to say yet whether we can get past it. We've been going for counselling and he says all the right things but I feel he's slipping back to complacency, nothing nasty just a bit lazy, his normal self really and I suppose I'm looking for extra all the time to keep showing me he's sorry etc - pretty unrealistic to be fair, who can really live like that. So overall it's nice and fine day to day but underneath it's unresolved (don't know what that means as I have no idea what 'resolution' could look like) and in reality I feel old and unattractive and a bit shit really. I should have the balls to leave but I like my life and my family and our home and schools and I love the stupid fucker. So there it is.

😩😩😩 Im sorry to hear youre going through this! I really felt that as well. My husband and father of my daughter of 10 years did the same thing and he left. Now I'm with someone else and he's been messaging someone else. So it's not an affair... But it's enough to have broken all trust and to have made me feel worthless.
That was also my worry too - I stayed in a relationship (much younger) after my he cheated and it went back to normal far too quick. I get what you mean
Hope all goes well for you 💐

OP posts:
Original poster
Sage90 · 10/09/2024 20:03

Honest00lad · 10/09/2024 19:39

Very sorry to hear the pain you are going through.
He has made a very bad choice and I suspect he will regret it forever.
I don't know If you can rebuild the trust but it's a long process.

I know porn gets a bad wrap on here but if he'd watched that to fix his desires for other women, it would have saved a lot of heartache.

Thank you. He does watch porn 😂 I don't know if everything he's said is just an excuse and it's hard because I'll never know

OP posts:
PinkLemonade555 · 10/09/2024 20:03

There is no genuine, deep love if someone can disrespect you and betray you so terribly, so no, there would be no way back for me and I believe anyone who stays has to exist in a state of denial.

seems miserable. Would rather be single.

Original poster
Sage90 · 10/09/2024 20:05

Sleepychicken · 10/09/2024 19:55

my dp had an affair when we’d been together 4 years and dd was 2. I left the home with dd - I had somewhere to go, he didn’t. We were apart 3 months. The affair ended and we worked on the relationship slowly and I moved back home. Both parties have to want to mend the relationship, we went on to have ds and have now been together 20 years. I’ll never forget the pain but I have forgiven and we are stronger than ever. I trust him but if he ever cheated again I would never forgive him and he knows this. I’m sorry you are going through this but if you both want the relationship to work and are willing to put the effort in then you can get past it, but if one of you isn’t willing to try then the relationship is over.

Sorry you went through it too! I never really hear about people staying together and working through it successfully.
If you don't mind me asking, do you wholeheartedly trust your dp? I feel like I'd be so conscious about him going anywhere now, or even being without me and that's not the life I want to live. I just can't imagine overcoming it properly

OP posts:
Original poster
Sage90 · 10/09/2024 20:07

PinkLemonade555 · 10/09/2024 20:03

There is no genuine, deep love if someone can disrespect you and betray you so terribly, so no, there would be no way back for me and I believe anyone who stays has to exist in a state of denial.

seems miserable. Would rather be single.

That is another concern I have. I couldn't love someone and do that to them, but I couldn't do that to anyone in fairness. It's the lowest of the low. I think I'm clinging on to how good it has been otherwise, but completely aware that it all could have been a lie...

OP posts:
feelingalittlehorse · 10/09/2024 20:12

The reason I couldn’t is because I’d always feel like I wasn’t getting the whole truth. Cheating takes a serious amount of lying and disrespect. And one thing cheaters always do is minimise, minimise, minimise.

Almostwelsh · 10/09/2024 20:14

Yes and I shouldn't have. He continued to cheat and then left the following year. That extra year was enough to damage me mentally and ensure our subsequent divorce was very very bitter and messy.

We no longer speak. Children are dropped from the car outside the house on handover and we do not speak.

hildabaker · 10/09/2024 20:19

After the birth of my youngest, I discovered that my ex had been having an affair all through my pregnancy. This was many years ago. I stayed at the time because I had 4 small children, an unhelpful family and nowhere to go. However, it changed the way I thought about him and I planned an exit which I was able to action 15 years later.

I know people who know full well that their DH is a cheating, unfaithful git, but they still stay in the marriage. There's a multiplicity of reasons why people stay.

Original poster
Sage90 · 10/09/2024 20:21

Almostwelsh · 10/09/2024 20:14

Yes and I shouldn't have. He continued to cheat and then left the following year. That extra year was enough to damage me mentally and ensure our subsequent divorce was very very bitter and messy.

We no longer speak. Children are dropped from the car outside the house on handover and we do not speak.

Sorry to hear this 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
Sage90 · 10/09/2024 20:22

hildabaker · 10/09/2024 20:19

After the birth of my youngest, I discovered that my ex had been having an affair all through my pregnancy. This was many years ago. I stayed at the time because I had 4 small children, an unhelpful family and nowhere to go. However, it changed the way I thought about him and I planned an exit which I was able to action 15 years later.

I know people who know full well that their DH is a cheating, unfaithful git, but they still stay in the marriage. There's a multiplicity of reasons why people stay.

Horrible 😩 yeah I understand

OP posts: