Ever stayed in a relationship after infidelity?

[Sage90]

Hi. Looking for perspective whilst in an emotional rutt.

Has anyone ever stayed with a partner after they have been unfaithful (in any way) and if so, what was the outcome? Can it ever work?

It's sad isn't it 😩 I think that's part of what I loved about us too. That we both (I definitely did, and thought he did too) had each others backs and were a proper 'team'. It's cheesy I know. But he even has said this all along. And now I'm like... I kinda don't support you now. I don't know if I will.

I wouldn't lower myself to staying with someone who put his dick inside another woman.

Honestly? I tried to stay after discovered affair 1. Had three kids. Didn't want to break their hearts. Now happily divorced after at least 50 affairs on his part. Did counselling the whole shebang. He sat there and lied over and over. I have nothing but respect for people who Try and do make it work but I'm now firmly in the once a cheat always a cheat camp. Read the book lose a cheater gain a life and remember it won't always hurt this much.

I'm 2 years divorced. It's been tough but I am.happy and I deserved so much more than he gave me. Sending hugs xx

Appreciate that. To just set facts straight though, there was nothing physical. It shouldn't change anything how far they went, but that would for me.

I stayed. I wish I hadn’t. We limped on for 2 years “trying” to make it work but he was unable/unwilling to give me what I needed. He wanted to brush it under the carpet and just move on, but everything was unresolved and the resentment and lack of trust slowly ate away at me. He eventually left and then “just happened” to get together with her a week later. To this day he claims it was coincidence and our relationship had just run its course (even though she admitted everything to me about how the affair had carried on for the full 2 years)
In some ways the 2 years helped me detach from him and come to terms with it, but it also really damaged me emotionally and they are scars I will carry for a long time

I'll rephrase my last comment.

I wouldn't stay with someone who thought about and wanted to put his dick inside another woman. A specific woman. Not talking about having a fantasy about a celebrity etc
.
They don't stray or even think about straying if they are content with what's at home.

Sorry to hear this 😩 and thanks for your reply.
I totally relate to you about the needing the time to detatch

Fair enough

I think you might be kidding yourself OP if you think there was nothing physical. Men always say that and it is almost always a lie. Anyway, I'm sorry it happened to you. It happened to me after 26 years of a really happy marriage. I thought we had something truly special, that we were a proper team but his infidelity blew that out of the water. It was like trying to glue back together tiny pieces of a precious Ming vase. It would never be the same again and the cracks would always remind me of something that I once thought was beautiful.

Sorry to hear that.
Appreciate what you mean, but the other woman is the one who raised it to me. She flatbatted him and messaged me, so it was a failed attempt. Also aware that this could've happened 100 times already, but I honestly will never know

I think every situation is different and has different reasons.

Its been 11 years since i found out about my husbands affair. We worked through it, to be honest, it worked for us as we are happy and in a better place!I can honestly say now i dont think about it. Husband is totally transparent with everything, we are happy

So sorry op it's a horrible place to be.

You don't need to make any decisions now.

It's absolutely possible to reconcile but the happiest most successful couples both have to put the work in. (Incredibly unfair on the betrayed partner as they didnt break the relationship!)

When I realised how it's one of the biggest attachment wounds to be betrayed by your partner thus creating trauma. It made sense that to heal from it you have to put in the conscious work. Trauma doesn't go away on its own.

Your partner if willing will also need to put in considerable work too They need to understand what led them to that behavior, what they were really seeking and recover their integrity. People who lie,cheat and abuse those they love have developed so many maladaptive coping mechanisms to be able to do that.

A betrayal trauma therapist will be the best person to guide you on your healing.

They don't stray or even think about straying if they are content with what's at home.

I don’t agree with this. It puts the responsibility ( or blame) of infidelity onto the innocent party. It isn’t about what’s at home. It is about the cheater, their inadequacies and selfishness.

Totally agree with this. After a long term affair, I feel people who stay are generally doing so for the wrong reasons.

If you believe affairs happen because people aren't content at home then you really are taking a highly simplistic view.

I agree it is very simplistic to state that those who were happy in their relationships wouldn't have strayed .

There is a world of difference between acting like a grown up - discussing issues in your marriage and perhaps agreeing to separate rather than infidelity .

You can not truly comment on infidelity until you have experienced the devastation and pain this inflicts on the innocent party .

You can also not truly know how you will react in any given situation until you experience this . I think it is easy to say that infidelity by your partner would be non negotiable for you . Again this may have been the case when you were months into a relationship . Contrast this with a long enmeshed relationship / marriage with children .You are not considering just what you want to do , but how this will impact on your children etc . No one wants their children to come from a broken family .
Age is also a factor , the younger you are generally the easier it will be for you to start again .

Financial disparity in earnings is also another factor. So each situation is unique and the OP and others have to weigh up what is best for them .

Cont -
You are also in shock OP and you need to take all the time you need to make a decision .You can also change your mind .

My relationship did not survive an emotional affair but there were also a number of other factors at play including the reaction and ongoing behaviour of my partner .

I do think relationships can survive infidelity but there has to be significant work from the partner who strayed and who must take responsibility for their actions and acknowledge the pain and devastation they have caused . It will be a different relationship to what you had before .

I am so sorry OP that both of us
and so many others have to go through this pain . There is no right or wrong decision . You have to do what is best for you at the time and it may be that your view changes over time too . Wishing you and all the others who so did not want to be members of this unhappy club the very best of luck .

I agree with thi. Some people just have it in them. Even If they have a great partner. Question is why the “great partner” ended up choosing that. Weren’t there any clues before the marriage? Can they pretend so well?

‘They don't stray or even think about straying if they are content with what's at home.’

This is absolute nonsense. So so done with reading this old fashioned tripe on here.

Infidelity is so so devastating.

I cannot imagine ever wanting to risk feeling that pain and fog and just being stunned ever again. So I would just dump the person.

Not sure if this was directed at me but I have experienced this directly and fully understand the will to make things work especially when children are involved. I stayed for way too long and under the surface I despised him for what he'd done. Dc has thrived post split and I wish I'd left far earlier than I did. When someone has had an actual affair, not a one off or a mistake, the relationship is dead.

I always think that people who do this regularly are incapable of deep love. It’s a character flaw for many and they struggle to build really deep emotional connections with their main partner. They are more prone to this behaviour as it’s part of who they are. Never happy, always alert to other opportunities.

Thishouseisafckingprison - no I didn't mean to direct it at you or any poster . I think we all have similar but not identical experiences . Obviously as well the extent of the infidelity will differ from situation to situation . I was referring to my experience . Each situation has its own unique factors . I was just trying to make the point that the real life situation is very complex and not as easy as saying - I would definitely leave - when talking about a "theoretical " situation .

I think it is also very important to state that we each make the best decision that we can , at the time we make it . Whether to stay in the relationship or not .

We should not judge others who make a different decision or even beat ourselves up that we didn't make a different decision sooner . We are doing our best in very very difficult circumstances . We should not feel guilt for any break - up or change in the relationship ( if we choose to stay ) . This is not on us - it is the result of the despicable behaviour of our partner .

Especially when the affair has continued for a while or been a series of incidents rather than a one off ( which is also deeply hurtful ) we are playing catch up . Our partner has had time to "check out" of the relationship . We didn't get that time . A lot of us will experience distress and anxiety when we are not sure what is happening in the relationship but it feels different / our partner is " colder " . This is cognitive dissonance when they are making you out to be the baddie to live with their own behaviour . We only know this has happened when we look back in hindsight .

We then "join the red flags " and we are still in denial . We go slightly crazy trying to find the evidence . This is because it couldn't happen to us . When we find out we will probably never know everything , as they will minimise and tell us what they think they can get away with .

When we know the truth or at the very least , the version of the truth that we can piece together- we are in denial . We are in shock and have to function day to day - look after kids / work etc / not show the world our complete devastation .

This is why infidelity can be so damaging on our mental health & happiness .

When I found out my DH of 21 years cheated I asked for a divorce immediately. He kept asking me to forgive him but I thought if he did it once he might do it again and I could no longer trust him.

Following as in a similar boat