Ever stayed in a relationship after infidelity?

[Sage90]

Hi. Looking for perspective whilst in an emotional rutt.

Has anyone ever stayed with a partner after they have been unfaithful (in any way) and if so, what was the outcome? Can it ever work?

I think that when we see posts on Mumsnet, Reddit etc it’s really easy to say Leave The Bastard it will never be the same etc but when you have your partner as a whole person and not just a post about their infidelity it really isn’t that easy
maybe yeah if the partner is a crappy one to begin with but I think as we are seeing there are many men (and women too) who have a good side to them and a shitty side that can betray the people they love

I can see the totality of my partner and decided the good parts of him outweighed the bad.

it makes sense that this was your, and my boundary but ultimately it was our partner’s choice to comply with the boundary
if he had said he wasn’t doing it, I’m not sure what I would have done but thankfully it didn’t come to that. We had a lot of give and take, and reconciliation overall was my gift to him

what really helped me was knowing it was a continuous process. Just because I was sticking with reconciliation at that moment didn’t mean I would forever. he really struggled with that at first because he was worried about putting in the work for it all to possibly not work but that was part of the price of being unfaithful. If I had to learn to live with uncertainty in the beginning, so did he

I’m in a similar boat, OP. Our relationship got really bad at the end of 2021, I practically gave up on him, which apparently prompted him to look for my replacement online while we were still ‘trying to repair things’. It didn’t work but I wasn’t aware of what he was up to, I moved out a year ago with the kids.
Then after being scammed by multiple catfish accounts, he went on sone first dates while we were separated, couldn’t find anything he wanted (apparently all women lies about their age) and asked if we can restart.
It was after this I found iut about the online thing, whichI obviously consider cheating.
We’re a few weeks in, I’m a paranoid idiot. He’s deleted the apps, is willing to show me his phone (with his supervision). I’m not optimistic but it’s nice to hear people managed to salvage things.

Hi Minden
sorry you’re in this situation
The best way forward is like I said in my previous post do not rug sweep!
if you can afford it I recommend counselling for both of you (separately first!). If not available then it’s self help books and sites all the way
there is a Reddit page called As One After Infidelity. I also liked Andrew Marshall’s page, he is a counsellor but has lots of articles

https://andrewgmarshall.com/

there is a book called Not Just Friends which is more geared towards infidelity from friendships/colleagues but might have some application to your situation
there is also After The Affair by Janice Spring and the Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays
i havent read either because I found I got enough feedback and support in counselling but they get good reviews

Best wishes to all in his boat

A friend of my husbands physically cheated on his wife with a work colleague. He admitted it to her, they got help and moved forward. They now have 3 children together. I believe they never, ever talk about it.

A close friend of mines wife had an emotional affair with another man, it destroyed my friends confidence and couldn't trust anything she said again, the words hurt him too much. They separated and share a 2 year old daughter

I think everybody has their own way of dealing with things and their own point where they draw the line. I've never judged anybody for staying with somebody who's been unfaithful - I think if you're both prepared to put the work in and get help/support to move forward then it's absolutely possible to forgive and forget but only if both parties are completely happy

If you are going through this then I'm very sorry and send strength to you x

It happened to me and left him intstanly.
If I had kids maybe I would agree to stay until we raise them to 18 but would demand an open marriage so that I can have a relationship as well.
Under any other circumstances If I stayed I know I would cheat on him non stop, so no point.
I think the luck of respect after what I had done for him was too hard to forgive. I have to say I am incredibly happy now though. I left him and never looked back.

To me cheating is cheating no come backs love me that much he wouldnt have done it.
One nightstands are the same to me one night one week its still cheating same as above no come backs.
Everyone is different but for me cheating once is to many times in my book i will not be a fall back or come second place for any man.
I am worth more even if my heart is breaking ill fake a smile im sure i will get over him.

I'm really sorry, OP - it's so tough to be navigating this.

I left, but my ex's infidelity was extensive. We were so in love and his cheating appeared to have had little to do with our marriage, which was in a pretty good place. He was not the man I thought he was, or the one I'd fallen in love with. Perhaps if it'd been a drunken one night stand, there were understandable circumstances, and he'd been honest, I might have been able to get past it (or at least try).

Whatever you decide, good luck.

I am reconciled after a full affair.

BUT I chose to reconcile because of the multitude of ties that bound me to him AND the importance I lay on holding my family together (young children at the time).

I love my husband very much but this alone would not have swayed me to stay.

We are very happy we made the decision we did but we have both worked hard to rebuild the trust (him more so). As I launched into this journey I knew our chances of success were slim, cheats are notorious repeaters of behaviour. I wouldn’t have taken the risk without the ties in place.

There would just not be enough stacked in the plus column for me.

Yes, he had a one night stand while working away. It was almost 20 years ago, we’re still married and there’s never been a repeat.

it wasn’t easy and it did take several years.

@BePinkPombear that's my thoughts exactly. Tough shit for them if you no longer think they are up there on a pedestal or you get a bit more assertive.

Yeah you’re right he’s not on a pedestal anymore. He’s not Prince Charming but he is all sorts of good things too. I could and have listed them both privately during conversations and if I’m ever asked what makes him a good DP
Although at the start if anyone said anything complimentary about him my urge was to shout a load of obscenities about what he did.

but that fades and I don’t get that urge anymore!

That you know of.

and that’s kind of the point with cheating isn’t it. They’ve shown they’re capable.

@BePinkPombear yep-people can do some very stupid things indeed- but often have many redeeming qualities too- it's a much easier choice if they are a shit in general or are a serial cheat

My husband is a shit liar. I knew he’d been unfaithful almost before he did. He’s not strayed since.

staying worked for me, regardless of your judgement, but it doesn’t mean that it works for everyone and they must choose their own path.

We stayed together. We were together 15 years, it was a full on affair. I was devastated, asked him to leave. He moved in with friend and carried on the affair. He made it difficult for me to move on as everyday he was in contact about one thing or another plus we jointly owned our home.
Just as i was about to buy him out things changed, we dated again, put the buying him out off temporarily at his request and about 3 months later decided to give it another go. A year later we got married after having co-habited previously.
Im not going to lie, it was hard. Even though we finally got married i would say it was a further year before i didnt think about it everyday. There is another story about how vile the ow was to me, thankfully she lived in another part of the country.
In hindsight im glad we made it work and things were way better afterwards. My job at the time was full on with long hours, i resigned before we got married, changed career totally with a much better work/life balance and honestly have not regretted it.
15 years later we are still happy, in a good place and though i will never forget the hurt i did forgive him.
Not for everyone to stay and always said i would never stay with a cheat but in the end i did. Only you know if you csn get past it.

Yes.
I know it’s not a trendy thing to do, but we were committed to our miracle and God came through as only He can.
Five years later, I’ll be brutally honest: I still get a wave of nausea in the shower at random (it was my process things away from the children safe zone!), I still think of the other woman occasionally, I still cry at random, I still feel like we will never really recover or heal or get back what we had before.

But.

It was one of the most eye-opening experiences of my entire life. I saw myself in ways I never had before - not in blaming myself ways, just in ways and depths we’d never talked about prior. (When you’re talking about being out of love and having brutally honest conversations describing cheating in vivid detail, you get to get past your hang-ups!)

God knew and saw and held His hand against the floods of horror and sorrow and grief and pain. He gave me grace to want to live past the hurt I felt. He connected me with women who had been in my shoes, who went on to have long and happy marriages. He placed wise counselors in our path and He used them to change my husband’s mind and heart and get him to give our relationship another chance after he’d cheated and decided he was leaving.

It has been five years. We don’t have a perfect marriage, there are things that might never be non-broken, but we are best friends. Friendship was what he was truly after, friendship and attention; sex was a sidebar. Friendship we kept and it got deeper thank the Lord. We learned how to talk and we both stepped up and took more responsibility and now, five years later, we have a beautiful new baby who is the best thing that’s ever happened to our family, our older children are at ages that are delightful and thankfully do not remember those days when I ugly cried every single hour, we have our ups and downs but I’ve learned to let him be him more and he’s learned to let me be me more.

And yes. Trust came again. It took a long time and I don’t know that it would’ve been possible without the location-sharing app that we both use in realtime. He voluntarily took that on and it helped me through times when my inner narrative would’ve been sure there was something fishy. That in turn helped me breathe again. Now I don’t blink or fret or worry. It takes time though.

Best wishes to whatever your path forward involves.

My stbxh had his first affair that I know of in 2014.

I was desperate not to divorce. I don't know why. Really wish I had.

I tried to keep the marriage going. In 2019, I think he had another affair lasting until 2020. And another in 2022.

His behaviour towards me was appalling. Really awful. I hate his guts frankly. He clearly despised me to be able to cheat on me in this way.

I truly believe if there's cheating there is no way back. It's broken.

Save yourself from more humiliation, pain, drama and sorrow.

Yes, I stayed after an emotional affair.

It wrecked my confidence and put me in a constant state of alert. It was awful. I stuck it out for a couple of years then ended it because that's no way to live your life.

Thank you everyone for the answers. I'm still really stuck in a rutt, no confidence or energy to make any decision

My main advice would be don't try and make a decision right now. Take it a moment at a time and make sure you get time and headspace for yourself

Not something that's affected me personally but happened to my brother. Couple of years into marriage with ex wife he was really worried about her, she was really down and ended up taking anti depressants. At time he thought it was work related stress but turns out she was upset because she'd been having affair with work colleague who'd ended it (and had been having affair with another colleague at same time). She went on to have another affair, and is now all apparently loved up in 'perfect relationship' (judging by her Facebook posts) with affair partner 2.

My brother forgave her, trying to save marriage for sake of their young kids, only for the marriage to fall apart during first Covid lockdown when being locked up together made them realise just how incompatible they were. Not that this excuses her behaviour though.

Every case is different though and some couples probably can successfully stay together if the trust, responsibility, willingness to change and forgiveness is there.

Thanks everyone for the replies and advice. At the moment I haven't made a decision to leave, but I also haven't fully accepted the decision of staying either.

He is putting in alot of effort to show me that he is committed and is saying all the right things.
I am not taking this on face value, I am aware of how easily people can manipulate, and how hard it can sometimes be to see (no stranger to this after my ex-husband!!)

Right now, I'm in a place where I'm just 'nothing'. Ive definitely withdrawn and I am looking after myself and my daughter, taking any time/comforts I need. And this does keep changing, but right now I feel like I can't be his 'biggest fan' anymore, if that makes sense.
If someone was saying how decent he is, my immediate thought is "lol....ok". I can't tell if this is because I'm still in the thick of it (It only happened two weeks ago) or if this is me realising that I can't, or don't want, to go on this journey with him to reconcile.
I totally know that this would take time to reconcile, but I'm not sure if I "should" be feeling more of a pull towards him, to really want to make things work.

Yes, I forgave him and took him back. Silly me!

Please expand 😂

@Sage90 I understand that - I felt same, still do 7 years later I'm afraid. We do get on well, I do care about him but he killed the 'I'm your number one fan specialness'