Ever stayed in a relationship after infidelity?

[Sage90]

Hi. Looking for perspective whilst in an emotional rutt.

Has anyone ever stayed with a partner after they have been unfaithful (in any way) and if so, what was the outcome? Can it ever work?

Yes. We dragged on for another three years, and it emotionally ruined me and left me an unhappy shell of myself. He did it again, only that time he left me for her (and I only found out after they had been “dating” for a month). I should have left him when it happened, he persuaded me to try again essentially so he had sex and cooking on tap until he had a better offer lined up.

I’m in a very different relationship now with a committed equal partner and it’s been an eye opener. I’m very happy in a way I was never before. I wouldn’t stay again if he cheated. I don’t want to be any man’s second choice, backup or consolation prize ever again.

Not a chance I would stay. I'm not stirring porridge. No way.

i am a firm believe in 2nd chances... i do not however believe in 3rd or 4th chances.

the advice i gave my DIL after he messed up, give yourself a timescale... if you are still thinking about it after that timescale, then its time to end the relationship and move on. and i also said, that if you chose the 'try again' you have to absolutely 'let go' of whatever it is he did.. if you can't.. end it..

so far.. all seems well, although she wanted a baby and now she has one, cracks are appearing so we shall see

I think thing to consider is if they told you about it. If I had found out by chance or because of suspicion I would not have forgiven because that is deceit but my other half confessed and told me I would never have found out. This was mainly why I forgave him and the fact it was a one night stand. Still completely devestated me though.

My view on it has always been "if it happened I would leave immediately".
@Sage90 this is everyone’s view ( including mine ) until it actually happens. So I would only really pay attention to those who have lived it.
I found out when it was already over, had been mainly messages and then one meet up. I knew something wasn’t right and didn’t get the truth from dp when I asked, so did some digging. Relatively easy to do these days with mobile phones/ WhatsApp/ social media. I didn’t play the pick me dance. In fact, I just wanted dp to f* off and the rage I felt was overwhelming . It made me feel like our whole life together was a lie, made worse by us having children together. Like he’d made our dcs lives a lie too. I was begged for another chance over the following months. My anger did not subside and eventually, I also cheated. I don’t regret that, it was the only thing that managed to get the anger I felt under control. I told dp and despite it all, we decided to give the relationship another go. Shared children and 18 years together influenced that decision. I struggled for a while ( at least a year ) with whether I’d made the right decision. We got through it though and are doing well. I am not worried it will happen again and don’t have trust issues. I will say that although I still love him, it’s not quite the same love as before. He knows that and it’s the price he paid.

This is really, really helpful and I'm sorry to hear that you lived through that. I really am. You saying that, everyone thinks they would leave until they're in it, is so accurate and has really resonated. I suppose it's just shit that it seems that most fail and, if I take that risk it easily could

I think part of the recovery is coming to the realisation that even if it does fail, you will actually be okay. There’s no shame in trying to make it work and there’s none in deciding that you can’t. We are 6 years down the line now.

Yeah, I do know it will be fine if I ended it now or it failed. Like I say, it's not like I haven't been through this before 😑 but I can't say I'm looking forward to it. Wishing you well 💐

Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace 💓

Thank you x

Hi OP
I did, and things are good! I discovered a long term affair but it was over by the time I found about it, which makes it a bit strange I think comparing to catching a DP in the act

the start of reconciliation was really tough…my DP failed to do the right things at first and I had to really focus on the good side of him (which there was lots of) to persevere until he got his head out of his ass…which he did. Therapy was key.

Do I trust him now? Yes I do. Weirdly because I know now the depths of behaviour and betrayal he is capable of. I see him clearly now. We have a beautiful DC now and are very happy

it does take time and like many of you had asked me before I would have said I would have kicked him out.

I also have an older family member who has reconciled after multiple betrayals spanning a long time. She would have been fine financially and kids had grown but she chose to stay because she loved him and the good times they had.
They didn’t go down the therapy route (this was before therapy was more normalised) but they used lots of self help books and talking. I only found out after I told my Mum about what my DP had done and she put me in contact.

I think a lot of people reconcile but you won’t hear about it.

So sorry to hear about your experience, but really happy to hear that you're happy now!
The thing that pops out the most to me is feeling like a shell of yourself.. I feel that's what would happen.

Thank you for this.
I don't mean to say this in suggestive way to you, it's more me questioning how I would feel if I stayed..
Do you fully trust him and still love him the same?

Thank you. I got told by the other woman, not him..

I did, I found messages and pictures from two women on my partners phone. We split up, but reconciled a short while later.

We were living together at the time, I was absolutely heartbroken as our relationship was otherwise perfect. For a few months after our reconciliation, he slept on the sofa and we took small baby steps forward.

During this time, he actually did it again(!) and kissed a woman at a bar.

After that, I was adamant I was done, I felt embarrassed and stupid, yet I did still take him back. We repeated the above- living separately but together, only this time I could absolutely tell he was trying to fix his mistakes and work on himself. That was a few years ago, and we have been happy since.

It's not an easy road, what was very important for me was his patience when I took five steps back (I would become so upset I was sick on an almost weekly basis). The trust is somewhat back, I have since checked his phone a few times and found nothing- whilst I know I shouldn't have to and that some may think this is wrong, finding nothing has helped me build the trust back. He no longer drinks as he found (of his own accord) that he can't tell when to stop and becomes too drunk (example: him kissing the woman in the bar).

If it wasn't for him making the positive steps to find what made him do this, and create change, we wouldn't have made it.

I know of 2 couple who stayed together after the husband cheated.
First couple she cheated to get back at him. They seam very happy now years after the event.
Second couple she had him back even after discovering he had fathered a child to an unsuspecting woman. The ow was unaware that she was the ow and cut all ties after discovering what a lying, cheat her fiancée was. The wife is still with him. He was violent too and abusive. Why did she stay? No idea except that she was a battered wife and had the mindset of a victim of severe abuse. Her h was unfaithful with other women too, multiple women.
Is she happy? No. Last time I saw her she was crying.

Yes I got cheated on by an otherwise great guy. I found out as his elderly neighbour told me when I wasn't there another women was staying over and leaving in the morning.

I chose to stay as he was otherwise a great partner who put lots of effort into pretty much everything. He was kind, caring, helped with practical matters, made huge effort in bed etc

However I think my behaviour towards him changed. I was angry and resentful and couldn't relax or trust him. Thus things were never the same after that even though I wanted them to be. It broke us up eventually because the trust was gone and no matter how many great things he did I just felt like I would never be able to trust him. I have reasons to think he did cheat again but no proof.

It's heartbreaking when an otherwise great guy does this as you don't want to give up all the good stuff. For me though I no longer felt 'special' especially as it was not a one night stand thing, more an ongoing thing. Nobody wants to me 'part of a crowd' their partner is sleeping with no matter how great they are the rest of the time.

Quite honestly I'd rather have a less great partner who was honest and trustworthy. You can't put a price on peace of mind.

Sorry for what is happening to you

Yes, and we have, and I would say we actually have a better relationship now although I will always carry some residual hurt

Why we managed it

• he allowed me full access to his phone (on no notice after I spotted some odd messages flashing up) and I literally read the messages back to him while he sat crying
• I was a bit of a workaholic at the time and my life was stressful in other ways
• there was nothing in the messages to suggest he had acted on anything
• he immediately arranged and paid for lots of counselling for himself , me and both of us together and continued to pay for counselling for me for several years after
• he does seem to have totally changed his behaviour I haven't seen any signs of anything since.

I'm not naive and am aware it could happen again but actually I had a lot of respect for how he was genuinely prepared to own his behaviour and change it

This is my personal view which I'm sure people will disagree with:

Your DP is a porn user. Porn users view women as sex objects for their personal gratification. One of the effects of porn is difficulty in maintaining relationships.
A man who views women as sex objects and divorces sex from feelings is much more likely to reach out to other women outside his relationship for sexual gratification because he sees using women for sex as normal.
So my feeling is your partner's attitude to women makes it very likely looking outside the relationship for sexual gratification will be a pattern of behaviour and not an isolated incident.

I did, and I don't judge my then-self at all because she did what she thought was best under immense strain, but 7 years later I wish I hadn't. He's now essentially having an affair with alcohol. We had counselling, but I'm not sure either of us were completely open there, and we were very invested in fixing it so didn't explore some harder issues. His narrative from the start was that it was due to joint failings in our relationship, and I went along with that because it gave me something I could work on fixing. I'm not sure he ever really said he was sorry, and I don't think he was. After a few months he started withdrawing from being willing to talk and communicate again, and nothing really changed in the long run. I'm now trying to get up the courage to leave him.

If you think you may stay, I found Esther Perel's TED talk on affairs very useful, although I know her take on it can divide opinions. Don't make any decisions while you're still in shock. Best of luck whatever you decide xx

I'm sorry OP. This really is a huge decision, which unfortunately, only you can make.

We will all have our versions.

Mine is that I did stay for another 6 years after his full on affair. After 6 years he did it again. And then I was out. I was a shadow of myself by then though.

In hindsight now, I know what made it so much worse for me, was because there was no trust. The saying 'living on your nerves', that was me.

But in those years I unknowingly was preparing myself for the exit. Mentally the next time around, I was prepared. In fact, the day he moved out, I was not even fazed. I did not shed a tear the day he moved out or even the day we got divorced. It was just relief.

But I needed that time, I see that now.

This is why I say only you can make this decision about what is best for you. If you need to get yourself prepared, play a bit of the long game for now. Or cut your losses right away and just move on now.

What I can tell you for sure though, is that he bloody well does not deserve you. You are the prize. Remember that.

So sorry you are going through this.

We're a year out. He had an emotional affair with a colleague. It lasted around two months.

I think we'll be OK, though I can never be 100% certain.

Things that helped:

He immediately took a month off work when I found out. Then mostly worked from home for another three months.

He did individual counseling and we did marriage counseling. He organised both of these (this is important as it showed he was willing to fix it and not just do what I told him).

He answered all my questions with patience. He has probably been more open and honest with me since the event than the entire 15 years that we had before hand.

He can't change his job. It's his company. But he's made changes to ensure he no longer works closely with her and updates me with any contact he does have to have. He shows me her emails and messages etc.

I don't know what the future holds for us. But in many ways it was the kick up the arse that our relationship needed. We make time for each other whereas we didn't before (kids, work etc etc) and communicate a lot more honestly.

I know I'll get some vitriol on here for staying. And I'm not daft. I know it can happen again. But ultimately I think I made the right decision in staying. I love him and we have a good life together that I wasn't willing to throw away for the sake of two months worth of stupid WhatsApp messages.

@gracietruman same with me- it kind of snuffs something out .

I wouldn’t say it’s the same exactly. It’s a very realistic kind of love as opposed to the fairy tale but I’m OK with that. I know lots of women who’s partners haven’t cheated but have behaved awfully in other ways.
it feels like sometimes that that can be excused because ‘at least they are faithful’
on the other hand my DP before, during the affair treated me amazingly, great division of labour in the household, lots of activities and trips together, lots of laughs

it was tough in the immediate aftermath but once we got on track he was in a place where he could resume being very generous and loving.

I trust him not to do it again because he has done the work to become a safe partner. I think if we had rugswept it he wouldn’t be a safe partner and I wouldn’t be able to trust him.
There are some things he won’t do now because they aren’t a part of his world eg he wouldn’t go on a works night out again but he’s not bothered especially not now we have a DC

Yes v similar here. DH doesn't go on nights away /nights out any more as he knows it would cause me stress. That's his decision, although I am not sure our relationship would have survived if he hadn't made it.

And he is great in a lot of other ways. And our relationship some how feels better for having gone through such a dark patch.

But the naivety has gone for sure. And the hurt still lingers (but it would in any relationship now I think)