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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've been on a few times about ongoing probs but cannot decide what to do for the best

124 replies

curlywurlywee · 19/04/2008 16:41

About 6 weeks ago, my h hit me (the second time he has done it) and hurt me in the small of my back (handprint and raised red weals, lots of pain). It was over something really petty, our dd had a friend round and they were hitting him and laughing. He got in a strop (due to probs at work) and came into the kitchen clutching his side and saying he was in agony and saying I should have intervened. I told him he was the dad and should be able to deal with it himself and they were only 5 year olds. With that, he said, "I'll show you how much it hurt" and he lifted my shirt up and slapped me with all his strengh on my back. Not sorry afterwards in fact left the house with me in agony and came back later still not sorry. I went out cos I couldn't face him and when I came back he locked me out of the house for a bit. This was the final straw for me. We have been having probs for year. He has a stressful job and I am his whipping boy. To give you examples of what he's like, I gave him a lovely children's book about fathers for fathers day and he got angry and said why had I bought him a children's book, should have spent more money on him like a CD and told me to get the book out of the house. I was distraught and destroyed the book, which he then got angry with me for. He doesn't like me using my mobile, doesn't like my friends coming to the house, dislikes my friends and is very antisocial. Has a go at me if there is a food item not in the house that he wants (I should be able to maintain the house properly and never run out of anything).

Basically, he has now admitted that he has put me through hell over the last five years and accepts that him hitting me was unnacceptable and that we should split. He is seeing a counsellor who has told him that he behaves like a child most of the time due to his strict upbringing, but he went for counselling a year ago and still hasn't managed to sort all this out and behave like an adult, although he has improved.

My dilemma is that should I stay and give it another go or should I end it? I don't believe he will ever change - he behaves like a spoilt little brat most of the time - it's in his personality and I hate it.

I have one friend who thinks I should give it another go and others who say, get out quick. I've got a teenage dd who hates him aswell from a previous marriage. I feel stigmatised about having two failed marriages (first h went off with another woman). I can't make a decision and am feeling really low today. Have been really strong and think I'm still in shock from the violent episode - still can't cry properly but not coping with 5 year old very well.

OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 19/04/2008 16:44

If you don't believe he will ever change, (and let's face it, you're probably right) there really is no point in giving it another go is there? Why delay the inevitable or risk being hurt again?

Why risk another five years of hell when you could have a much better quality of life without him?

OverMyDeadBody · 19/04/2008 16:46

I remember your previous posts too. His behaviour is unnaceptable.

Why would you even consider staying with someone who values you so little?What would be the point?

FAWKEOFF · 19/04/2008 16:46

i think you need to get over the stgma of a second failed marriage and leave. His violence and emotional abuse are totqlly unaaceptable. You have admitted that he isnt going to change, are you ging to be daft enogh and wait until he breaks your nose, or jaw????? you and your children are worth so much more than this x

curlywurlywee · 19/04/2008 16:47

Good point OMDB but I just find it so hard to face being twice divorced and feeling like a failure and hurting my 5 yr old who adores him. I know this sounds a bit pathetic but what if I should try again - just once more. Am so confused about it all and don't want to make the wrong decision. Should I forgive him for everything?

OP posts:
ImightbeLulumama · 19/04/2008 16:48

this really concerns me

"He doesn't like me using my mobile, doesn't like my friends coming to the house, dislikes my friends and is very antisocial"

he is trying to cut you off from people, and isolate you. the less outside support you have, teh less outside help, the less people to tell you he is wrong, the better.. for him

i would worry less about 2 failed marriages, and worry more for yours and your DCs physical safety.

he is controlling you and hurting you

OverMyDeadBody · 19/04/2008 16:49

Noone deserves to be treated badly like this, you included.

You deserve to be happy and to be treated with respect by the people closest to you. There are plenty of really decent good men out there, and how are you going to meet themif you stay with this idiot?

Sorry you're feeling so low and finding it hard to cope with 5 year old, but things would be easier without the added uncertainty and worry and stress that being in a relationship like this must cause you.

You have my sympathies.

FAWKEOFF · 19/04/2008 16:49

this does not mean that he cant be a great father to you child because you aren't together, if he loves him like he says he does then he will put the effort in...if you forgive him he will do it again and again

ImightbeLulumama · 19/04/2008 16:50

how many one more times will you give it?

you say it is in his personality to behave like a spoilt brat

what happens if he hits the DCs

or hurts you badly and you cannot take care of your children?

i just think that you already gave him a chance, and he has blown it big style

i would not advocate ending a marriage lighlty, but he is abusive, controlling, selfish and nasty.

OverMyDeadBody · 19/04/2008 16:51

Don't worry about being twice divorce, isn't your happiness and safety more important than any conceived stigma attached to divorce? Seriously, stary valuing yourself more, please.

curlywurlywee · 19/04/2008 16:51

I'm pretty sure that he won't hit me again because he is ashamed of what he's done. I know that's what men say but I really don't think he'll do it again. Thing is he's such a weird personality - he doesn't behave like anyone else I know and I've been hoping that he can change but there isn't much hope. I keep thinking about what I've done and although I can be a pain, he has admitted that the only thing he gets angry with me about is my dappiness and that I forget to replace toilet rolls and take decent phone messages, don't place much importance on possessions etc. Does this make me a bad person?

OP posts:
FAWKEOFF · 19/04/2008 16:52

My father was phsically abusive to my mother and to women in his previous relationships, and it makes me feel ashamed to know that he was such a bully, yet he adores me and my children.

OverMyDeadBody · 19/04/2008 16:52

You will not be a failure if you end this marriage, you will be strong and in control and a survivor, and you will be putting your future and the future of your children first. That is never a failure.

CrossnessMaureen · 19/04/2008 16:53

Curly - you poor thing.
I remember your other thread, where he it you. (I'm Blu, really).

He seems to be not quite rigt. He doesn't seem to understand the context of things - the reason you bought him the book (which was a lovely thing to do), the fact that it was children who accidentally hurt him. The restrictions on your mobile use and friends etc are weird - and correlate to the accounts of a lot of abused women.

TBH, I would fear for you in this relationship.

And goodness - being independ of someone who does not treat you properley is hardly a stigma! I thnk it's more of a stigma to live with someone who treats you with no respect or sensitivity or generosity.

But the stigma is hardly the point. Your happiness - and safety - are.

FAWKEOFF · 19/04/2008 16:54

no it doesnt make you a bad person....he is trying to place the guily onto your shoulders, he is a controlling manipulating coward of a man....please dont lethim lure you into the false security of him never hitting yo again....i bet ther was a time you would have sworn on your life that he would never hit you

curlywurlywee · 19/04/2008 16:55

Thanks for all your great posts - I know you're right and I'm really upset now. I know I have to ditch him but I keep hoping that things will change but Ihave to face up to the fact that they won't. I can't believe my life has turned out like this. How come others have a happy marriage and manage to stay married. I have had so much happen to me in my life I just keep asking myself why why why? Am I to blame for it all? Sorry don't mean this to sound self pitying it's just that I have so much going round my head at the mo trying to make sense of it all.

OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 19/04/2008 16:55

You are not a bad person and you are not to blame for his behaviour. Please don't try and justify it to yourself. There is never any excuse to hurt someone, especially someone smaller and weaker than yourself, which I presume you are compared with your H.

Shame, ime, is not enough to stop someone being violent and aggressive. You don't know that he won't do it again., and why stay in this situation walking on eggshells and wondering if you have done anytihng 'wrong' that you will be punished for?

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership of equals, he is not treating you like an equal.

ImightbeLulumama · 19/04/2008 16:55

no, none of that makes you a bad person, it makes you a normal, fallible, imperfect human being like the rest of us

you say you are pretty sure he won;t hit you again.

i am 150 % sure my DH would never, ever lay a finger on me ever.

and i would not live with it any other way

he is using your normal flaws as an excuse for his abusive behaviour, which is classic abusive behaviour

OverMyDeadBody · 19/04/2008 16:57

You need to change your life for the better, and stop these bad things happening to you, and the only way you can do that is to leave this distructive relationship. If you want a batter life you have to make the change, it won't come by you staying in your current situation and hoping he will do the changing.

FAWKEOFF · 19/04/2008 16:58

you seem to have been ground down by this man over a number of years, believing everything he says to you...taking every critisism on the chin, hiding your hurt and going along with what he wants....this is the behaviour of a spoilt brat. grasp your self belief back from this man and take control of your life dont let him control you any longer.

curlywurlywee · 19/04/2008 17:01

FO you're right, there was a point when I never dreamed he would hit me.

CM you have a good point about him being weird - he really is and I've never seen this before in anyone - perhaps it's some kind of personality disorder. I like your point that the stigma could be stronger if I was seen to stay in a dangerous relationship like this. I hadn't thought of that. Some of my friends would think I was a loser if I stayed.

The situation is that I am just about to start a job and he has agreed to move out until the house is sold. This finality is really scaring me - becoming financially independent and on my own, although being on my own doesn't bother me too much. It would be a relief to not have to walk on eggshells my whole life. I feel like shit and it's making me physically ill because I can't express my feelings. If I let go, who knows what will happen.

OP posts:
curlywurlywee · 19/04/2008 17:06

Lulumama - that's interesting - he does seem to use my normal flaws and blow them up out of proportion - I hadn't put this together with an abusive behaviour. He admits that he is a perfectionist and it winds him up that I am not and that I look at the world differently from him. He was brought up by a very strict and controlling mother.

OP posts:
curlywurlywee · 19/04/2008 17:07

H has just come back - will post later - thanks all.

OP posts:
FAWKEOFF · 19/04/2008 17:08

curly i know it is a dainting task...the thought about having to financially cope on your own, but there are plenty of people that have to adjust and get on with it....i dont remember my parents being together, so im glad i dont remember the violence, but i do know that it happened, my father has admitted to me himself. I am just glad i didnt have to grow up with unhappy parents...think of your children as well

ImightbeLulumama · 19/04/2008 17:08

take care, CWW x

FAWKEOFF · 19/04/2008 17:09

tc x you know we are all here for you whenever you need us x x x

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