I've been on a few times about ongoing probs but cannot decide what to do for the best

[curlywurlywee]

About 6 weeks ago, my h hit me (the second time he has done it) and hurt me in the small of my back (handprint and raised red weals, lots of pain). It was over something really petty, our dd had a friend round and they were hitting him and laughing. He got in a strop (due to probs at work) and came into the kitchen clutching his side and saying he was in agony and saying I should have intervened. I told him he was the dad and should be able to deal with it himself and they were only 5 year olds. With that, he said, "I'll show you how much it hurt" and he lifted my shirt up and slapped me with all his strengh on my back. Not sorry afterwards in fact left the house with me in agony and came back later still not sorry. I went out cos I couldn't face him and when I came back he locked me out of the house for a bit. This was the final straw for me. We have been having probs for year. He has a stressful job and I am his whipping boy. To give you examples of what he's like, I gave him a lovely children's book about fathers for fathers day and he got angry and said why had I bought him a children's book, should have spent more money on him like a CD and told me to get the book out of the house. I was distraught and destroyed the book, which he then got angry with me for. He doesn't like me using my mobile, doesn't like my friends coming to the house, dislikes my friends and is very antisocial. Has a go at me if there is a food item not in the house that he wants (I should be able to maintain the house properly and never run out of anything).

Basically, he has now admitted that he has put me through hell over the last five years and accepts that him hitting me was unnacceptable and that we should split. He is seeing a counsellor who has told him that he behaves like a child most of the time due to his strict upbringing, but he went for counselling a year ago and still hasn't managed to sort all this out and behave like an adult, although he has improved.

My dilemma is that should I stay and give it another go or should I end it? I don't believe he will ever change - he behaves like a spoilt little brat most of the time - it's in his personality and I hate it.

I have one friend who thinks I should give it another go and others who say, get out quick. I've got a teenage dd who hates him aswell from a previous marriage. I feel stigmatised about having two failed marriages (first h went off with another woman). I can't make a decision and am feeling really low today. Have been really strong and think I'm still in shock from the violent episode - still can't cry properly but not coping with 5 year old very well.

A perfectionist? According to whose idea of perfect? His of course. If you don't agree with his idea of perfect, that's for him to get over. It is not for him to beat you up. Neither is it for him to scream and shout at you. Adults compromise.

Hi Curly. I can relate to a lot of your posts, espeially the bit about your H beig weird and not having met anyone like him before.

I have just finished reading a book called 'Living with the passive aggressive men', it is an excellent book and helped me to understand a lot about my P, his behaviour and myself. I too used to blame myself and feel shame. Not any more.

I am not in a position to be able to leave my P but, with the knowledge I have gained I am learning how to live with him and so far things are going well. I am not his victim anymore.

I am thinking of you x

Gosh, please excuse spelling

He's not a perfectionist, he's a control freak. If he was a perfectionist, he would change the loo roll himself, wouldn't he? I think what he means is, he has an image of a perfect wife that he is trying to force you into; the perfect wife doesn't run out of food items (even ones she doesn't know he wants) and steps in to intervene when a 5 year old gets a bit out of hand.

I think if you stay, there is a strong likelihood that your dd will end up married to a man like this. Because she'll learn that that's how people should behave. I'm not saying it's a certainty - there are lot of people on MN with violent/abusive parents who haven't married someone violent/abusive, but there are plenty who have. Why take that risk, for either of your dds? He's shown what he's capable of. Better by far to be twice divorced and show your girls that sisters can indeed do it for themselves, than have them go through what you have.

i was in similar relationship for 4 yrs although no dc involved

i felt i wanted to prove everyone wrong and make it work

i was a shell of my former self no confidence no friends

i knew he wouldnt change and one day just realised it and walked out without looking back

i dont think it matters if you have 2 failed marraiges i would rather that than live with 1 cheat and 1 bully

i would rather be alone and happy

he will not change he has had no reason to change as he knows you wont go anywhere

be strong gain all the support you need and move on out there is someone who is right for you so dont waste anymore time on someone who clearly has lost all respect for you

the only person you can rely on in life is yourself the only one who you can change is yourself

so do what is best for you and your child good luck

he was a weirdo as well freaked out if i didnt butter bread to all 4 corners or if stirring something in wrong direction cant believe i put up with it for so long love is blind they say

but then i realised i was not in love i was in a rut a habit i would feel lost without him

but it was the best move i made it still hurt as felt it was my fault as time went on reaalised he was just a control freak who didnt want to grow up and felt so good to live life comfortably again

Curly, admitting it is a good thing but his seeing a counsellor isn;t enough, he will take years to undo the patterns he has in place, and HE HAS SAID he thinks you should split. This is a HUGE warning to you, he's saying it so if you say you'll stay, he can then excuse any further outbursts by saying he warned you so you are to blame.

My ex said women who are being abused are to blame for staying...needless to say I left him.

My point is he will not change, and has not even promised to, and if he does hange it will take years of therapy, seriously, this issn;t a snap your fingers type thing, please please leave, take the chance now.

I implore you to leave him.

Leaving is very scary but staying would be worse. Much worse, really. You''l look back and see a life wasted.

Please do the lesser of two very frightening options. At least you will be in control of the leaving option, you'll have your freedom.

If you stay with him you'll never have any control. xx

BG sounds like your ex h was a control freak to. Did you feel like whatever you put right for him, he would just go on and find something else to criticise? That's what it's been like here. Basically, I'm not his mother and although he sees her as being partly responsible for how he is, he still harbours feelings that she is the role model for a wife. Me and her are so totally polar opposites and times move on - I will never be anything like her, nor would I want to.

I think the counselling may help but as Imflight has said, I think it may take years for him to undo his behaviour. He talks the talk but that's all. I think he is unable to change his lifelong thought patterns because he feels them and doesn't think about what he's doing before he's done it.

Timeforme, I think he is also passive aggressive as he is not one to shout and scream and get stuff off his chest, rather brood on everything for months and then it comes out in punishing like behaviour. I'll try and get that book. I hope you are feeling OK with staying. Are you staying for the kids?

He's on a course this weekend and I've had dd all weekend. I think she is reacting to the atmosphere at home because she is being really aggressive and difficult. I feel really awful today and have been crying most of the day. I went loopy this morning and threw some things around in ear shot off dd and now feel completely crap and hate myself. I couldn't keep it in but I have to because I'm the adult - I'm so ashamed of myself and have so much anger in me which I haven't expressed yet. I'm boiling over with it inside and feel really depressed like I can't cope anymore.

I've looked up a fair bit about Narcissistic personality disorder and he fits the bill perfectly. Does anyone else have any knowledge of this. He wants everyone to think he's great and he fosters this public persona which is so different from how he behaves at home.

Your support is really helping me so much. I need every bit I can get at the mo. Thanks so much.

I'm feelings so bad tonight, can't stop crying and can't see the point in it all. I'm feeling really ill and can't cope with anything that goes even slightly wrong. I thought I was OK and getting on with it but I feel like I'm unravelling. I don't know what to do.

Just read your thread. Thinking of you. Sounds to me as if you're doing the right thing. You probably have lost of bottled-up emotions that are finally coming out. Hope you feel better soon.

What can't you see the point to?

Really sorry you're having such a hard evening, but it is good to get it all out and sometimes set your emotions free. Once you've shed those tears you may find the streangth to leave this man and find yourself again.

There is no poiont in staying with him, there isn't even any point wasting your energy trying to understand why he is the way he is, instead focus on doing the best things possible for yourself. Love yourself and value yourself enough to replace this negative life situation with a positive one.

Put an end to evenings spent feeling really low like this. You have the strength to, honestly. You deserve the best. xx

Really feel for you. You are not unravelling - you are going through a hard time and of course you're upset. Can you get some counselling to help you through this, either via your GP or Relate.

Don't feel guilty about your DD. I'm sure none of us mums remain controlled at all times. And stop with the 'two failed marriages' business - you're putting too much blame on yourself. It's bad luck, and you've had a rotten time, but you have not caused this and you haven't failed. If you decide to leave and create a better life for you and DD, then you've succeeded!

x

Thanks for your replies last night. DD is being really badly behaved and very angry - think it's my fault but am now trying really hard not to lose my temper and am trying to talk her down calmly from a tantrum.

H is now accusing me of having an affair with my ex-husband. I am not by the way even though we are friendly and occasionally text each other if it's to do with our dd (my teenager). This is linked to me receiving text messages in general, which he hates. He keeps questioning me on whether I've said anything to my eldest dd. I've told him no because I'm worried about his reaction if I told him the truth. I have not told her that he hit me, just that we are having problems (which let's face it has been obvious to her) and that we are thinking of splitting up. I believe in honesty but I don't think she needs to know that he hit me.

He is also blaming me for dds behaviour.

I thought I was coping with it all and I've been really strong in the last couple of months, but I'm not strong - I'm not dealing with it at the moment and I just can't stop crying. I'm supposed to be starting a job in about a week's time and I don't know how I'm going to do it - my brain is all over the place. I've had enough of being hurt, not just at the moment but in the past. I don't think I'll ever trust another man again because they just seem to turn into monsters in my experience - I know this is not generally true but I feel it for me at the moment. It's like I have a sign on my forehead saying, "abuse me, hurt me".

I'm tired of life and how it continually seems to bite me on the arse.

oh sweetheart he doesn not have the right ot treat you like this....you really need to get out of this relationship for your sake and the kids. He will continue to hurt and mentally abuse you

Is there anyone you can stay with????
where are you situated in the country???

Hi Curly, I hope you are feeling better this morning and I really do hope you manage to get the book. I helped me such a lot.

In answer to your question, am I staying for the kids, I could say yes and use them as my excuse but no, I am staying because I want to, because now I know and understand more about him and his passive aggressive nature I feel so well informed, confident and able to live with him. I want to stay because I love the person he is when he isn't in one of his 'moods', because despite everything he is a good man and we have such a lot going for us in a lot of ways.

I am still reading, still learning and still researching Passive Agressive and Borderline Personality Disorders. It makes very interesting reading! The PA can change if he accepts he has a problem but, he has to want to change. If you want to stay with him and be happy living with him you do have to be prepared to change your own behaviour and the way you respond to him. It's not as bad as it sounds don't worry it may just seem alien to you if you have been used to letting him control you and push your boundaries.

Having said that, I am prepared to leave if I feel it would be worse to stay that it would be to go.

How do you feel about leaving him? Is that what you really want to do or something you feel you have to do?

You are strong Curly, you are just exhausted from having to cope with all of this. I am very strong woman but my P had me on my knees a few weeks ago. I was totally drained.

If your H is P/A their main fear is being abandoned of being left. This is just a thought but I wonder if his paranoia has been kicked off by you starting your new job. Something will have triggered it.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, not at all, I just want you to realise that it's probably not about you, you are not to blame for his rage, it is his own fear, his insecurity and feeling out of control within himself that causes it.

I know this is really difficult but try not to absorb it, try to block it out. He is behaving like an overgrown toddler having a tantrum! It is not your fault!

curly I hope i am not being insensitive but have I got this right?

In your first post you said HE thinks you need to split up.

You then ask "should i give him another chance?"

Surely you don't have that option? And even if you did it does not sound likie a good plan.

He is making you miserable.

End of story

Thanks FO, I'm in Devon and no, I've got no family near so nowhere to stay.

TFM, it's interesting to hear what you've got to say, I suppose it depends on what your dh does. Can you give me some examples of his behaviour, but only if you want to? I understand if you can't. Trouble is, I don't love h anymore because of what he's put me through. Is your dh trying to make some changes?

I have tried to CAT you curly but you aren't 'equipped' for it

I would love to help you through this but I don't really want to post everything on MN.

But I will tell you that my P also told me he wanted us to separate at the beginning of his latest 'episode'. Rather than get upset I just said "ok" and started making my plans. This caused the biggest reaction in him I have ever seen. i couldn;t understand why he was so angry at me when he was the one who wanted it, it was a terrible time. But, I realise now it was me actually leaving that caused it all. PA's are needy individuals that are terrified of being abandoned, they hate themselves for being so needy and they will deliberatley push you away rather than be abandoned but, that then sends them into a painc which comes out as anger.

I hope this makes sense to you, i don;t want to waffle too much xx

timefor me do you have any links to good info about PA?

there seems to be a lot of dross out there and I would appreciate being pointed in the right direction.
Thanks

PS, Yes, he is trying to make changes and I am working with him on that. Also, A few weeks ago I didn't think I loved my P anymore either, thats because he wasn't the man I knew and loved, he was like a totally different man. Completely different to the man he is at the moment. You would not believe they were the same person.

Gosh jasper, I have loads! I have just found a support group by googling Passive Agression, that will bring up lots of useful links. The best thing I have found though is the book, Living with the Passive Agressive Man. It could have been written about my P. Right from his childhood, it described him to a Tee!

I am now reading a book called 'stop walking on eggshells' which also has a workbook which guides you through living with the PA or anone with a borderline personality.

tfm thanks for this.
It has given me a bit of a jolt!

This is describing my dh

This is the book

www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_w_h_/202-9394379-7410239?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=l iving+with+the+passive+aggressive+man&Go.x=14&Go.y=10

Hope the link works!

I have been with my P for nine years and after reading this book I now see him through fresh eyes, I understand him and what causes his rages and moods. It's like seeing him for the first time.