Where to start? I am in my mid 40s with a good job, 3 fantastic children and a husband I have been with since my teens who is my best friend and loves me to bits. We have a good life and great relationship and I feel blessed for that.
Now to the issue… my Mum. My Mum is a very intelligent woman who can be very nice and to all outsiders would seem lovely but she has always been a very controlling and critical woman behind closed doors and has had many bust ups with myself and older brother over the years. She used to write us awful letters when we displeased her, my husband recently found some and burned them as he didnt want me to re read them. It always follows the same pattern of her being nice, helpful with the children etc then if we dare to disagree with her on anything she will blow up, it is always nasty comments that she knows will cause the most hurt. My brother has little to do with her and we both suspect she has a personality disorder- namely victim narcissistic disorder. She will never ever accept she does any wrong, gaslights constantly and fires about how we could treat her so badly! In the past this has led to me always apologising just to make things right and as a result i am an anxious people pleaser. She will the accept apology and be overly lovely- trying to buy affection with money, of which she has plenty.
my dad passed away a long time ago and although he loved her very much i suspect he was aware that she had issues as he was the only one who could stop her when she was at her most vicious. My brother and I both got an inheritance from my dad and this is frequently used against us … ie it paid for the extension and all she has done for us etc etc.
in recent years I have tried many times to talk to my mum as an adult about this behaviour but she completely denies it or accuses me of hating her and constantly bringing up the past, I do bring up things she has said as they hurt so much but she will never apologise and always puts herself in victim mode. She is currently staying in our spare room while waiting to move, brother refused to have her, and things are awful. She criticises everything and makes out she doesn’t and has no problems being vile to me when I end up getting frustrated and snapping. She ensure to only be like this when im alone with her, infront of my husband she is all sweetness and light. It came tp a head last week and my husband made everyone a cuppa and spoke to her about how her “fun comments” as she calls them affect me. He told her to stop with the nasty comments but she just repeated as always how difficult i am and how he must find the same and she feels sorry for him living with me! This did not go down well and that was her aim. My children are all aware of how manipulative she is- everything is a competition to her about why she is the best but also the most hard done by.
i currently feel uncomfortable in my own home and am counting down the days to her leaving.
I want to have a relationship with her as I love the nice side of her but the other side reduces me to a wreck. Everyone things she is wonderful and will tell me how lucky I am to have such a lovely Mum. How do I navigate this relationship?
I have already decided minimum contact once she is gone but It hurts my heart when I hear her tell my Uncle and her friends how awful and difficult I am and how badly I treat her when all she tries to do it help. All I want is a normal relationship like the wonderful one I have with my children. I could never contemplate treating them like this.
where do I go from here and how do I stop her getting under my skin the way she does? She is Jekyl and Hyde and I am constantly trying to navigate this very unstable and unhealthy relationship.
sorry for the long post but I could provide examples of behaviours that go one for days.