Boyfriend is uncomfortable if my nipples show through clothes

[EarlyDayz]

Hi everyone! Looking for a bit of advice - some background, I'm 33F and bf 29M together 11months and about to move in together - a few months ago, a got dressed quite quickly and threw on a cami top and wasnt wearing a bra - bf and I were living in a flat share at the time, and when he came into the room where I was working he could see down my top and said he could "see everything". He got super upset, not angry but uncomfortable and clearly distressed - we had a really big conversation about it and the result was he didn't want to control what I wear and wants me to feel comfortable - I apologized too as I didn't realize everything would show and didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Since then, I've been a bit more aware of what I choose to wear as I don't want to disrespect his boundaries.

Then yesterday, I wore a top that "covered" everything, long sleeves etc. But you could make out the shape of my nipple through the top as I wasn't wearing a bra - it's a new top and I love it, one of those that have tied bows at the front so wearing a bra kind of ruins the esthetic at the front (no actual cleavage was showing, I also have quite a small chest) well again, he looked at me and felt instantly uncomfortable, laughed nervously and put his head in his hands - I put on a bra - part of me wishes I hadn't because I didnt feel comfortable doing something just to make him feel better - I understood when you could see everything when he looked that first time, but seeing the outline of a nipple, and having small boobs so it's not like there's cleavage out for all the world to see - I'm struggling to feel comfortable with his boundary.

I was in a 10 year relationship before this and have always dressed in a similar way, never worrying about what to choose, choosing based on what I feel comfortable and good in - clothes are really important to me and I see it as an expression of who I am - not once did I ever have any problems with this in my previous relationship - he told me he sees it as exposing myself and doesn't want others to see what is private to us. Until now, there's no resolution to the discussion this time round.

He hasn't shown any other controlling behaviour and has apologized, saying he's never had a situation where you could see a gf's nipple through a shirt before and didn't know he would ever react like that, but that it makes him feel really uncomfortable.

It also makes me feel really uncomfortable not being able to choose what I want to wear.

How would you feel about this? Do you think it's a reasonable worry on his part and that I should "be more careful" in what I choose to wear? Or should he try to deal with his own insecurities and avoid projecting them on me?

Thank you for reading!

Thank you, yes this is the way I'll go with it from here - he's assured me with words that I should be able to dress how I please, and that his reaction surprised even himself, so now I need to see the action in place to really believe him

Bullshit. His reaction surprised even himself?

what bollocks. He’s saying that like he can’t help it and your behaviour is sooooo shocking to him that now it’s YOUR responsibility to make sure he’s not so shook again.

this IS the very thinnest of thin edges of the wedge. This WILL get worse.

if you’re determined to persist with this - which it looks like you are - then you tell him clearly that this is a yellow card, a verbal warning and next time it will be a straight red.

and follow through with it.

I can’t stress this enough, do NOT allow any room in your relationship for him to tell you how to look/dress/behave.

do not get sucked into the sunken costs fallacy, people like him usually take between 12-18 months to show themselves

any change in the relationship, moving in, getting engaged, married, pregnant triggers an escalation

I advise you to put the move on hold. He won’t take you seriously if you don’t.

Never ever get yourself into a situation you can’t get out of with him. Never rely on him.

I think you sound like a clever woman, particularly as you are prepared to admit and lean into the fact that you think something may now be broken.

I want to be absolutely clear with you that the very fact he verbalised this to you means he is fxxked up, immature and controlling.

It is so off to even suggest this.

Of course you are stunned and asking yourself do I really end things over something so small, but it is the small little mask slips that often tell you most.

He has broken something which will never be fixed.
You will forever double check yourself even in the most fleeting of ways.

At his core he has a controlling misogynistic bent.
At his core he believes that he has the right to make such a comment.
At his core that is who he really is.

You cannot change the core of someone.

He has seen how firm you have been and will definitely step back and hide this part of him.

But if you were my precious daughter I would tell you to very carefully listen to what your gut is telling you.

I am married more than 3 decades and not only has my husband never commented on what I wear he has managed to hold his tongue on what my daughters wear (I haven't always!).

I would not be moving in with him, I would spare yourself the drama of that.

Don't be sad, be glad he slipped up and showed you who he really is and what/how he thinks.
That is a real blessing.

I mentioned in my original post that I apologised for this first instance in the house share, nevertheless his reaction to it was so over the top so it did cause me to be more aware of what I was wearing since then as I don't want to intentionally make him feel uncomfortable.

For reference, this was the top that caused the second conversation:

https://shop.mango.com/gb/en/p/women/shirts---blouses/blouses/bow-printed-blouse_77022917?c=70

I really don't believe that not wearing a bra with such a top equates to my nipples being on public display

@liverpudcounsel@liverpudcounsel@liverpudcounsel@liverpudcounsel

Apologies my mumsnet has gone crazy and has tagged you a million times! I can't delete the tags without posting a message it seems 🙈

Having been in a 10 years relationship previous to this and never once had a conversation regarding my clothing choices, I would disagree that it's not his issue - that being said, Im trying to be respectful towards his feelings and not shoot him down or risk the bullying behaviour you mentioned, hence why I'm here to get some perspective on how I'll move forward with this

Ach op, I beleive you’re being disingenuous. And the well my ex didn’t mind is a silly answer. You know what’s being said. It is his issue, but also millions of others. And you know full well what happens if you have your nipples in visible display and you are comfortable with it, so stop pretending and just say yes, I know, I like it or I’m good with the attention, whatever it is, and if you don’t like the fact I wish to display like this then end it.

Do you think she's fully got her breasts out or something?

We're talking about the shape of a couple of bumps visible through an opaque material here. Absolutely noone in the real world cares about that. It might have been worth commenting on 30 years ago when Jennifer Aniston did it in Friends, but literally noone cares any more.

My point about it being his issue is that it's something he needs to deal with, not me, so he needs to decide if he's comfortable with it because me changing the way I dress isn't going to solve anything in the long term as either way, one of us will always be uncomfortable

@Rumshotsandrainshowers I do appreciate the alternative point of view, as it shows me where he's coming from and reinforces the fact that at the core of it, I just don't agree and that perhaps I need to be with someone who simply doesn't notice when I wear something like that - to be with someone more openminded - so thank you for the input, I mean that genuinely

@Cactusesflower Thank you for your insights and it hits very deep that you would advise your daughters in such a way - and that it's certainly and thankfully not the standard for all men to have the same reaction to clothing, further hitting home how important it is to find a partner who is on the same level as you - and like you mentioned, it's the watching myself in fleeting ways - I feel like that's what's going to cause the most damage long term - as I mentioned in a previous reply, I caught myself pulling back from dancing a certain way last night at a party with neighbours surrounded by people we know - that hit hard

(edited to tag @Cactusesflower)

100% and the only women I’ve ever known who go out braless are women that love that attention. I think it’s more than just the nipples themselves, he’s picking up a vibe from OP and he’s more conservative than she is, but to be fair he would fall into the majority of both male and female opinion on this. OP as I said before, if going bra free to prove a point or because you like displaying nipples is important to you, then make it your hill to die on and find a guy who doesn’t care

I think that would be sensible. There is a level of exhibitionist in how you chose to present and I think this is fine, it’s not for me, but if you like it crack on. I disagree with you only on the faux innocent I don’t understand it nonsense you’re posting. You absolutely do understand the issue, you just don’t wish to own it , instead making out he’s some sort of weirdo with an issue. Thay I find is not ok.

go find some bloke like your ex who doesn’t mind or likes your tendencies. This isn’t the guy,

There is some utterly foul misogyny and internalised misogyny on this thread, being presented most slyly as a fait accompli.

No there is not misogyny, there is reality. As a woman I feel exposed not wearing a bra, and only if I wanted that attention would I go out doing so, and I don’t want that attention. It’s very obvious when someone has no bra on, and it 100% draws attention. So very valid points are being made regarding the fake innocence and demonising of the guy for having a take on it that actually most people have. He’s not a prude at all, he’s having a reaction to everyone seeing his girlfriends tits and he’s clearly much more conservative that her. She needs to find someone more accepting of this if it’s important to her. It’s not an issue, but she’s making it an issue and posting here for sympathy about her right to show off her nipples. So everyone is agreeing she has a right to do so, but that her boyfriend has a pretty standard response to it!

It really is the same as a guy wearing thin tight shorts with it all hanging out, people will look and feel uncomfortable, and he’d cover up a bit more if he didn’t want the world to see his dong. Half the women on here would be crying sexual harassment just from having to be around it. Are we meant to applaud him and tell him it’s classy? The problem your boyfriend has, it’s precisely that- that it’s NOT classy.

You may agree or disagree, but don’t judge him for having a standard reaction to his housemates seeing your nipples.

Wow.
Im absolutely shocked at the number of women who are also viewing the not wearing of a bra as blatant deliberate exhibitionism....
And that this need to show the nip is ONLY driven by a desire to attract attention.

Everyone would think the bra-burning of the 70s never happened here.

For me, its about comfort. But Im old and a bit overweight, so I doubt very much that ANYONE is looking at me in a sexualised way. I hate bras. they hurt. They rub and constrict and fitted well or not, that are an awful contraption that alot of the time Id much rather do without, however well fitted they may be.

When I was younger, pre kids, and I was out a flaunting I dont think I went bra-less - I had a nice pair and was slim, and a push up with a low neckline did more for me than leaving them be. But now, Im certainly not going out even consciously thinking about my breasts, I can often forget that I have no bra on and Im in the supermarket or at an evening class and tbh its no big deal.

If Ive got to dress up for something important I will put one on, but mainly because most clothes are cut for boobs-in-a-bra. But Im ripping the damn thing off when Im home.

My 24 yr old daughter is not well endowed and so again, she tends to not wear a bra because its a whole level of discomfort for very little gain / support. I dont think she spends a single minute while she is out and about thinking 'ohhh look at me, got no bra on, hope everyone is looking'

Just shows how oversexualised alot of people have allowed themselves to get, that they are always framing themselves through the male gaze.

Its not that many steps to covering up entirely, because the whole body might turn some men on. I mean, thats what I was taught when I lived briefly in Cairo

the only women I’ve ever known who go out braless are women that love that attention

That's not my experience at all. My MIL didn't need to wear a bra and would often wear strappy tops and dresses w/o. She was just getting on with her day. I've worked with woman from all over the world who have different views.
I went out with the cycle club today, no bra under my jersey. I can guarantee I did not do this for attention.

Exactly! Very well said!

Not sure how long you have been together? Sorry if it says somewhere.
Also when you say this is the first thing that has happened, with abuse - some might say that's a bit strong.
Things have to start somewhere. It's often not the first and only thing/time.
As has been proven because he did that thing the first time around, then again.

It's a form of control, and it's so easy to get things in your head, and how it starts to control your thinking and actions.

Isn't there just 🙄so sly in her attempt to shame the OP.

I suppose 60 year old women like me who go braless are shameless husseys as well looking for male attention🙄

OP, please don't pay an ounce of attention to such posters.

Its views like this that rear misogynistic pricks with controlling abusive tendencies.

Oh give it up, you’re fooling no one, and no no one things a middle aged over weight woman is the same.

The majority of women who have a cleavage own a dress or top which blatantly shows it off. Is this not just as sexual, if not more so because its bare skin,as a nipple showing through. Personally speaking I am fed up checking to see if there is a hint of nipple in view. It can happen to some women depending on shape etc no matter what type of bra they wear & there should be no shame attached.