Boyfriend is uncomfortable if my nipples show through clothes

[EarlyDayz]

Hi everyone! Looking for a bit of advice - some background, I'm 33F and bf 29M together 11months and about to move in together - a few months ago, a got dressed quite quickly and threw on a cami top and wasnt wearing a bra - bf and I were living in a flat share at the time, and when he came into the room where I was working he could see down my top and said he could "see everything". He got super upset, not angry but uncomfortable and clearly distressed - we had a really big conversation about it and the result was he didn't want to control what I wear and wants me to feel comfortable - I apologized too as I didn't realize everything would show and didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Since then, I've been a bit more aware of what I choose to wear as I don't want to disrespect his boundaries.

Then yesterday, I wore a top that "covered" everything, long sleeves etc. But you could make out the shape of my nipple through the top as I wasn't wearing a bra - it's a new top and I love it, one of those that have tied bows at the front so wearing a bra kind of ruins the esthetic at the front (no actual cleavage was showing, I also have quite a small chest) well again, he looked at me and felt instantly uncomfortable, laughed nervously and put his head in his hands - I put on a bra - part of me wishes I hadn't because I didnt feel comfortable doing something just to make him feel better - I understood when you could see everything when he looked that first time, but seeing the outline of a nipple, and having small boobs so it's not like there's cleavage out for all the world to see - I'm struggling to feel comfortable with his boundary.

I was in a 10 year relationship before this and have always dressed in a similar way, never worrying about what to choose, choosing based on what I feel comfortable and good in - clothes are really important to me and I see it as an expression of who I am - not once did I ever have any problems with this in my previous relationship - he told me he sees it as exposing myself and doesn't want others to see what is private to us. Until now, there's no resolution to the discussion this time round.

He hasn't shown any other controlling behaviour and has apologized, saying he's never had a situation where you could see a gf's nipple through a shirt before and didn't know he would ever react like that, but that it makes him feel really uncomfortable.

It also makes me feel really uncomfortable not being able to choose what I want to wear.

How would you feel about this? Do you think it's a reasonable worry on his part and that I should "be more careful" in what I choose to wear? Or should he try to deal with his own insecurities and avoid projecting them on me?

Thank you for reading!

I think he sounds weird and controlling.
Everyone has nipples. Youre not flaunting anything. You just have a body

@EarlyDayz I think alot of guys think that way.

Some guys would see it as a reflection on them and may be in a social circle with other men who would comment or judge them based on it. I wouldn't always think it's jealousy and it sounds like he's not thinking that. At some point he might say to you he knows what men are like ( when it comes to this) and he may be right on that. E.g they'll be looking at your boobs and thinking about you sexually, talking to each other about your boobs and then judging him for just being ok with that and then potentially ' winding him up' over it.

He may even have a mum who would say something like ' oh I see Earlydayz likes to display her nipple's quite alot Nigel '.

He may be used to more conservative dressers and therefore hasn't dealt with this situation before.

I think I understand this mindset as I believe I've encountered many more ' traditional ' men who would say something about their discomfort with it.

( I am simply reflecting his mindset before anyone jumps on me - understanding does not mean agreeing)

Are you American as asking for answers on a British forum isn’t always going to give responses similar to those who live near you.

His reactions, and attempts to explain, reveal that, in his mind, he has claimed ownership of your body, he considers it private to him. It is no longer yours, to reveal or not, to share or not, whenever, however, with whoever you wish to. That would worry me, a lot. It's a fundamental lack of respect for the autonomy of another person. A dealbreaker.

11 months isn't long to be be with someone before moving in together. Even if you have known him longer, you haven't know what he is like as a partner.
Thinking your nipples are private to him is weird and childish. You can show them to anyone you want to.

Tell him to get some therapy and maybe get back to you when he's better.

I completely agree.

I think folks are being disingenuous. Female Nipples are seen as sexualised. We can pretend all we want they arent. Cry they shouldn’t be,shout about breastfeeding, but they are. And we all know it.

op ypu were in a flat share, clearly not in your bedroom and he could see your naked breasts, that’s why je was bothered. No nipples aren’t genitals but they are sexualised for many people.

youre good with your nipples on display, and clearly visible to anyone who wishes to look, he isn’t. You don’t need to change for him, do as you please. He either has to accept this or move on. But don’t be disingenuous about it. Just tell him you like to dress like this on purpose, because it is on purpose, this isn’t just you are Cold and he either accepts it or moves on.

OP, it’s simple really, you just have to tell him ‘I will not be dressing any differently to how I personally feel comfortable. You do not get to comment on what I wear.’ If he can’t do it, then that’s it for the relationship I’m afraid.

I like this response.
I have very small breasts so often wear no bra or a thin crop top.
People can see my nipples, men must notice. Anyone commenting would get short shrift.

@Rumshotsandrainshowers yeah I kind of agree with this. But am prepared to be shredded for it.

But that’s folks being disingenuous. We all know nipples are sexualised, no point pretending otherwise, we all know men will look sexually at a woman’s nipples visibly on display. Many woman , most I’d say, don’t wish to court this type of attention, so they wear bras or nipple petals. We don’t need to, like the op we can dress as we please, ignore or court the male gaze.personal choice,

It bothers him, she dresses like this on purpose, she’s not wrong to do that if that’s her thing. She also knows why he’s bothered by it, He should tell her it makes him uncomfortable, politely, and then basically move on or accept it.

my only point is she should,own it.

Remind him your nipples and breasts aren't for his gaze or titillation but for feeding babies.....

And that men frequently walk about showing their bare chest, nipples and all!!

And that’s what I mean by being disingenuous. We all know breasts are not just for breastfeeding, they contain sexual nerves. Many women aroused by their breasts being involved in sex and that many men turned on by breasts. Pretending he’s some form of pervert for thinking they are sexual when not breast feeding is simply disingenuous.

@Rumshotsandrainshowers once again I agree with your second post. Womens nipple's are sexualised and I think the majority of us know that.

@Rumshotsandrainshowers

So now the OP and all women are responsible for who gets turned on? And dress accordingly?

Some men aren't into breasts, some women don't like them being touched.

Some men and women are into feet. I once had a man flash his hard penis at me on account of my feet, which he had been admiring. I was sat at a bus stop.

Where does it end? Tell me, where does it end?

I can only assume you didn’t read my post properly. I’d urge you to go back and read again.

I did read it. My point stands. Men sexualise everything if they feel like it and blame the woman for putting it out there. I say we should reclaim out bodies and not own that we are being provocative when we aren't.

Own it - you mean take responsibility for what men think and feel.

I reckon he's 'busy' at the moment. 🤮

You’re right ‘nipples do not equal genitalia’ but if they weren’t a sexual turn on why were page 3 girls a thing?

What the fuck? Are you u in your own home? Please don't let a man control you. Dress how ever you like ffs

I think you're different people and it won't work LT

I’m not going to argue with you, who needs that shit on a sat night, you will need to find someone else. But no I mean own it with her boyfriend, she knows, it’s on purpose, she’s happy she’s comfortable end of. And with you I’m out as who can be arsed with fighting on line. But you crack on.

this

Is this for real? Ask yourself what his reaction would be like if you were breastfeeding your child in the future. Maybe buy him some pearls he can clutch while you feed.