Boyfriend is uncomfortable if my nipples show through clothes

[EarlyDayz]

Hi everyone! Looking for a bit of advice - some background, I'm 33F and bf 29M together 11months and about to move in together - a few months ago, a got dressed quite quickly and threw on a cami top and wasnt wearing a bra - bf and I were living in a flat share at the time, and when he came into the room where I was working he could see down my top and said he could "see everything". He got super upset, not angry but uncomfortable and clearly distressed - we had a really big conversation about it and the result was he didn't want to control what I wear and wants me to feel comfortable - I apologized too as I didn't realize everything would show and didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Since then, I've been a bit more aware of what I choose to wear as I don't want to disrespect his boundaries.

Then yesterday, I wore a top that "covered" everything, long sleeves etc. But you could make out the shape of my nipple through the top as I wasn't wearing a bra - it's a new top and I love it, one of those that have tied bows at the front so wearing a bra kind of ruins the esthetic at the front (no actual cleavage was showing, I also have quite a small chest) well again, he looked at me and felt instantly uncomfortable, laughed nervously and put his head in his hands - I put on a bra - part of me wishes I hadn't because I didnt feel comfortable doing something just to make him feel better - I understood when you could see everything when he looked that first time, but seeing the outline of a nipple, and having small boobs so it's not like there's cleavage out for all the world to see - I'm struggling to feel comfortable with his boundary.

I was in a 10 year relationship before this and have always dressed in a similar way, never worrying about what to choose, choosing based on what I feel comfortable and good in - clothes are really important to me and I see it as an expression of who I am - not once did I ever have any problems with this in my previous relationship - he told me he sees it as exposing myself and doesn't want others to see what is private to us. Until now, there's no resolution to the discussion this time round.

He hasn't shown any other controlling behaviour and has apologized, saying he's never had a situation where you could see a gf's nipple through a shirt before and didn't know he would ever react like that, but that it makes him feel really uncomfortable.

It also makes me feel really uncomfortable not being able to choose what I want to wear.

How would you feel about this? Do you think it's a reasonable worry on his part and that I should "be more careful" in what I choose to wear? Or should he try to deal with his own insecurities and avoid projecting them on me?

Thank you for reading!

Sorry to hijack this post a bit but has anyone else read the study on the amount of time a woman wears a bra a day and the link to breast cancer?
It may be totally wrong I have not looked up any more about it just one article.
But it said that the ratio of people who wear a bra for over 12 hours a day getting breast cancer was higher then those who wore one less then 12 hours.
Again this may be all false but it really backed up my reasons for only wearing one when I need too 😆

Replied earlier on, and still think that he's being ridiculous about seeing a hint of nipple through clothes AT HOME. But when out and about, maybe some nipple covers would be a good compromise? My 19yr old daughter has quite small breasts and sometimes goes braless with certain dresses, but she uses the covers because she doesn't want people noticing or staring at her nips.

Worth considering though. I only wear a bra to work or on very formal occasions. Other than that it's braless for me often with a stretchy cami top because I positively hate wearing a bra & although I'm a 38D I dont really juggle about. If a nipple shows through people can judge all they want. I'm overly modest in other ways & wouldn't display lots of cleavage.

Do you mean just a cami or a cami instead of a bra, as normally stretchy cami;s give some cover if under a top. Very similar to sleep bras etc.

A long stretchy cami instead of a bra. If it's warm weather or on a hot weather holiday it's total freedom 😁

@Rumshotsandrainshowers I agree with every single thing you're saying tbh.

I agree it does feel disingenuous to hear one saying they're confused by a reaction like this. I know myself when I was younger and attractive that having nipples poking through continually would illicit a response. I'd know it would be noticed . I'd know it would be topic of discussion amongst males. Rightly or wrongly.

It would be interesting to hear if it's a non negotiable for the guy. I don't believe he will just get over it and it might rear it's head as an issue.

I'd be incredibly uncomfortable about his penis being obviously displayed with ridiculously skintight clothes. I'd personally want that addressed.

So at a certain age, when society decides we’re no longer pop-culture attractive to the male gaze, those of us who don’t like wearing bras for comfort or just don’t fancy it somedays, are finally allowed to stop wearing bras without people thinking we’re doing it to attract men? How very gracious. Between this and the vote, I’m ever such a lucky girl.

Oh, I'm middle aged but not overweight. Where do I stand on the scale of attention seeking?

Same @Tomorrowsanuthrday as being smaller chested I never show cleavage as I simply don't have any - I remember a friend of mine with a larger bust saying she envied me as I could wear any top without looking "slutty" (her words) - I guess that's not as much the case as she'd thought - people will make a case for the woman's body to be inherently "slutty" no matter what body part is being shown - except arms (!) - it seems; I'm just so tired of dressing for the male gaze or lack thereof - I just want to dress

Don’t be so bitter, the thread isn’t about you and I doubt your dressing as the op is describing.

Seems like you’re not giving it up op but no one’s buying.

Giving what up exactly?

Your taunting all the men apparently by their logic sadly

Ditto.
But who cares🙄😂.

All I give a shit about is that the young women I know completely avoid the misogynistic losers parents like this raise.

🤢🤮

Did you talk to your boyfriend? How did it go?

I did - we had a really intense conversation about it all and have both decided we need to take time to think about our own personal boundaries about the whole situation and how comfortable/uncomfortable we feel.

It seems like such a silly topic but will inevitably affect either one of us going forward - if I continue dressing exactly how I am, he'll feel uncomfortable at times; if I change the way I dress, I'll feel uncomfortable because I'm purely doing it for another person.

He asked me where my limit is in dressing a certain way and I answered that honestly, because it's never something I had to consider before, I don't know what my limit is - I just dress how I dress.

So I'm not sure where things will go from here - we both care about each other a lot and are not ready to let this be the sole reason we break up, so we're going to reflect and see how we feel going forward or see if it affects any other area of the relationship - one thing I am thankful for is that I've seen how we can handle uncomfortable conversations together and we can be totally honest with each other - for now, we've left things as I'll continue to dress how I dress because he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable, but at the same time, I feel I'll always have his feelings in the back of my mind when dressing/choosing clothes because I also don't want to make my partner feel uncomfortable - it's all still a bit messy surrounding the topic right now but we're trying to work it out.

So showing nipple is important to you? Because he’s said he’s uncomfortable? Would you have been bothered if he hadn’t?

Do you think part of the reason you don’t want to cover your nipples is bc you’re flat chested, so this is a way of being feminine/sexy?

Geez nipples pop out occasionally, fact! It's ott to have an issue with it. Only the other day I was at the gym in front of the mirrors sat on gym ball doing situps, and despite wearing a sports bra I could see nipple bumps under my sports top. Especially the right one as its twice the size of the left presently, since recent radiotherapy. It's not a common occurance for me as my usual bras cover them and I don't go without having an ample rack.
I think I've seen plenty of men's nipple through t-shirts etc over the years and managed not to faint at the sight.
Of most concern was wfh prompted such a poor response, whereas a normal expected reaction I'd say would maybe to get your fellas dander up at the sight in house and maybe joke about it - I'm guessing you were sat down and he was stood above you. Next time wfh, try doing it topless and see if he gets embarrassed or appreciates the sight.

It's not the showing of nipple that is important, but the fact that if I take steps to actively cover it's because of his feelings, not because it's something I consider or feel uncomfortable about - if that makes sense?

I'm not sure I quite understand the second part of your comment: "Because he’s said he’s uncomfortable? Would you have been bothered if he hadn’t?"

As in, would I have been bothered about nipple showing if he wasn't uncomfortable?

People largely meaning men who use it as an excuse to force themselves.

Covering or not covering all depends on what I'm wearing, I sometimes wear a bra if it will improve the look of what I'm wearing, but as I'm on the smaller side, I was always able to "get away with" not wearing a bra as I just don't need it for support, so it feel like a pointless exercise most of the time!

If you want to work through the issue and stay together, simply get some stick-on nipple covers. I really don't see why it has to be more complicated than that.

We've had the conversation as to the rights and wrongs of the situation. You've each discussed with what you can each live with harmoniously. This is the only workable solution, as far as I can see.

Does it bother you that it makes him uncomfortable, does it bother you that it makes other people uncomfortable? It’s up to you if you want to show nipple and make it your hill to die on 100%, but accept the fact that socially speaking it does actually make people uncomfortable, nobody wants to see your nipples out as much as nobody wants to see a man wearing tight penis exposing shorts. It’s not a flex, and it’s not feminist, it’s a legit thing that the majority would prefer you kept to yourself. His issue is that his housemates are seeing your nipples hence why he asked what your actual boundaries are with dressing, to which you replied you don’t really have any. I just think he is too conservative for you, and you don’t “get it” or are pretending not to “get it”. No of course you don’t have to change yourself for him, but most women would feel a little exposed and embarrassed going out braless. But if that’s not you, then continue, but find someone who falls within the minority and find it socially acceptable

Sorry, I mean would you have been bothered about covering up if he hadn’t said it bothers him? Is it a top/tops that it’s obv your nipples are on show in and it/they make you feel good - and that’s part of the look, or is it incidental and if he hadn’t said anything you may have covered with pasties/covers/whatever (not a bra) - but now it’s a matter of principle where you don’t want to cover bc he can’t tell you what to wear etc?

edited for typos