Boyfriend is uncomfortable if my nipples show through clothes

[EarlyDayz]

Hi everyone! Looking for a bit of advice - some background, I'm 33F and bf 29M together 11months and about to move in together - a few months ago, a got dressed quite quickly and threw on a cami top and wasnt wearing a bra - bf and I were living in a flat share at the time, and when he came into the room where I was working he could see down my top and said he could "see everything". He got super upset, not angry but uncomfortable and clearly distressed - we had a really big conversation about it and the result was he didn't want to control what I wear and wants me to feel comfortable - I apologized too as I didn't realize everything would show and didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Since then, I've been a bit more aware of what I choose to wear as I don't want to disrespect his boundaries.

Then yesterday, I wore a top that "covered" everything, long sleeves etc. But you could make out the shape of my nipple through the top as I wasn't wearing a bra - it's a new top and I love it, one of those that have tied bows at the front so wearing a bra kind of ruins the esthetic at the front (no actual cleavage was showing, I also have quite a small chest) well again, he looked at me and felt instantly uncomfortable, laughed nervously and put his head in his hands - I put on a bra - part of me wishes I hadn't because I didnt feel comfortable doing something just to make him feel better - I understood when you could see everything when he looked that first time, but seeing the outline of a nipple, and having small boobs so it's not like there's cleavage out for all the world to see - I'm struggling to feel comfortable with his boundary.

I was in a 10 year relationship before this and have always dressed in a similar way, never worrying about what to choose, choosing based on what I feel comfortable and good in - clothes are really important to me and I see it as an expression of who I am - not once did I ever have any problems with this in my previous relationship - he told me he sees it as exposing myself and doesn't want others to see what is private to us. Until now, there's no resolution to the discussion this time round.

He hasn't shown any other controlling behaviour and has apologized, saying he's never had a situation where you could see a gf's nipple through a shirt before and didn't know he would ever react like that, but that it makes him feel really uncomfortable.

It also makes me feel really uncomfortable not being able to choose what I want to wear.

How would you feel about this? Do you think it's a reasonable worry on his part and that I should "be more careful" in what I choose to wear? Or should he try to deal with his own insecurities and avoid projecting them on me?

Thank you for reading!

I have small boobs and VERY prominent nipples. I went braless for a while whilst breastfeeding because I kept getting mastitis /blocked ducts if I wore one. It definitely made people uncomfortable as family and even strangers in the street made comments.

Tbh I do notice if people's nipples show through their tops and don't like it. I have sympathy for your boyfriend. But I understand why you wouldn't want to change your clothes for anyone too.

If I liked him enough I'd wear a bra. But only if he's not controlling in other ways.

I don’t understand why pasties are unreasonable. You can still go braless. Nipples aren’t part of the look so why is it really bad to consider this? He’s not telling you to wear a bra, just that he’s uncomfortable with your nipples being visible when you’re out and others can ogle and perv.

I think it’s pretty sad that posters have to apologise/make statements like your last paragraph for fear of a pile on. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, why can’t ppl respect the fact that ppl view things differently?

—I mean that you were trying to reflect his mindset

FREE THE NIPPLE(s)!!
He sounds controlling. Wear a skin tight dress/short skirt, see if theres a problem. Sounds like its time to part company. My exH would never have had any issue with this

He put his head in his hands? Because he could see your nipples? Too much dramalama going on there.

Your nipples, your choice.

Nah girl. He is showing you a huge red flag. They only get worse and most of the bad things about him he will hide.

PS don't move in with someone until minimum two years together! Stupid idea

Yes, this, not only controlling but batshit drama llama. What a huge overreaction.

I’m assuming it’s around other people. I wouldn’t feel comfortable braless around other people, he probably feels a similar level of discomfort with his girlfriend braless around other men? I’m assuming male housemates etc? I think it’s a non issue. If it’s important for you to show your nipples then it’s an issue. If not, then dress appropriately around other men

Something feels very creepy

I don't think it's important OP shows her nipples, it's just something that happens when she is braless.

Why is it inappropriate to not wear a bra?

Does he ever wear trousers or shorts or jogging bottoms or yoga pants for example, which show the outline of his genitals? If so he's a bloody hypocrite and you should point this out.

Run don't walk

Making you feel small is his intention and it worked. Is he controlling in other ways? Don't move in with him, it'll just get worse

No one said it’s not inappropriate but you and others need to stop with the disingenuous nonsense,. You know full well women’s nipples are sexualised and that it attracts attention, both male and female. Many women don’t wish that kind of attention so cover up. Not it’s inappropriate it’s they don’t wish that attention, the op is good with it, fair enough, her partner isn’t, fair enough, there is no compromise, if he’s incomfortable being out with her due to th4 way she dresses he needs to end the relationship not try to change her

peiple pretending they don’t know the issue, is just ridiculous, as is linking it to breastfeeding, she’s not breastfeeding.

nearly all adult women, and many near adults know exactly the sort of attention it garners when you go out with your nipples clearly visible. Be it braless in a thin top or in a Goddard glossie bra or similar. We all know. So this bullshit people are posting pretending they don’t is ridiculous. Knowing doesn’t mean we need to cover up, we can chose to do so to avoid the attention,we can want the attention or we can not care, but pretending we don’t know that’s exactly what happens is ludicrous.

Bollocks to respecting his boundary.

He's not allowed a boundary when it comes to YOUR body!!!

Yep

There are situations where your nipple outline showing would be in appropriate, for example for teachers, or teenage girls in school.
I would say it is not clear if this is control or not.
Try something else, such as a tight dress with a bra on. Test him a bit to work out if there is controlling behaviour there.

It's quite recent this inappropriateness. I'm pretty sure my mother's generation (and before) didn't have t.shirt bras, and we're watching season 7 of Friends atm (2000) and nipples are visible in the tops they are wearing.

I didn’t have T-shirt bras when I first wore a bra, and think I wore a padded bra to cover the nipple shape.

Back in the 80s, nipples were never on show though. Similarly, you never saw bra straps showing (I remember first seeing this late 90s).

When T-shirt bras came about, I loved it, for as a small busted woman, it gave me a more defined shape.

.

Men walk around full-on topless on hot days in some neighbourhoods! I think that’s a better comparison.

Come to think of it I’ve been the bf, when I was very young my ex took his top off on a restaurant terrace and I was quite embarrassed and asked him to put it back on - just didn’t think it was an appropriate place to be topless!

No issue with your scenario though - I mean, cyclists? I’m around athletes a lot so see this kind of look often. But I don’t think you need to compare nipples to nipples, not knobs and oranges 😉

He's not controlling in other ways and has admitted it's his problem that he needs to deal with, and he agrees I shouldn't have to change how I dress for his insecurity - but honestly, something feels broken in the relationship after the whole incident - we were out last night and I even caught myself watching the way I danced subconsciously, thinking would that be an issue too - So I'm at a place now wondering are these conversations around clothes reason enough to call it a day, or should I give him a chance to show he's dealing with it

This.

It was a house share, so other people there, she wasn’t in the bedroom and her naked breasts were visible.

Cmon it’s not his issue, making him think it is is bullying and gaslighting. You know full well the impact of having your nipples publicly on display and that many people, men and women don’t like it, at least be honest with him.