Going Dutch is strangely irritating me.

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I've gone on a few coffee dates with a guy. He is a friend and he was the one who initiated the coffee dates. He is a very nice person but is very, very careful with his cash (almost lives on fresh air). He is in his mid 40s and has just bought a house so I get that he has to watch the pennys but he was always like this.
He bought the coffees first time around, I bought them 2nd time around, he bought them 3rd time around, I bought them 4th etc etc. I feel like it's getting a bit boring as it seems very transactional and measured. I don't believe that men should have to foot the bill all the time but a little gesture here and there would be nice.

I feel a little frustrated but I'm not sure why. Any opinion on this? Maybe I'm not really into him, or I need to get over myself as the days when men paid more are gone.

You have the ick. This is your deepest gut instinct talking

I'd say get over yourself. Men don't need to pay. I'm sure if you were really into him, this wouldn't be an issue for you.

Going Dutch means paying for yourself, not taking turns. I think taking turns is fine. I’d be put off by a man who wanted to split every bill exactly so that he didn’t pay and extra 5p for my slightly more expensive coffee.

Taking turns sounds normal to me. Also if you keep offering to pay every other time he probably assumes you want to pay.

Thanks for the replies. Perhaps I'm not into him enough. He hasn't done anything wrong, and I did offer to pay every 2nd time we met. It just feels so measured and its getting a bit boring.

Money aside, you said it feels measured snd boring snd that's probably because you keep doing the same thing all the time! 4 coffee dates in a row?! Mix things up a bit. That'd bore anyone.

Offer to pay more often then.

If you like a bit of chivalry then he's classic ick. I get some women are offended by that but I'm not and I'd be put right off. Depends where you stand. Tightness in general is gross isn't it

I couldn't get worked up about the money but those dates sound boring as hell.

I always take Going Dutch to mean splitting the bill

Just googled & it’s paying your share

Why not make the gesture yourself?

Or is it only men who have to do that?

In a relationship I think it is fine to be equal in this day and age yet sometimes it’s nice to treat and be treated.

What’s not attractive or good is stinginess and sounds like that might be your issue?

Thank you for expressing this so perfectly. Four coffee dates in a row is stultifying.

If he is tight, so is the OP. Sounds fine to me.

Thanks for the replies. Yes, it is getting boring as it's the same thing but we are still kinda in the 'friendship' phase although we are whatssaping one-to-one and checking in regularly. They feel like dates though as its just been us two, and he told me before that he liked me.

I really don't know how I feel. He is 10 years older than me but still attractive.

I'm a little bit more frustrated with myself as I seem to meet nice men but I'm just not interested after a few meet ups.

It's fine to take turns at paying.

However I have been on dates with guys who have been perfectly fine, and if I'm not feeling it I'll find something to give me an excuse to verbalise why I'm not feeling it, and its usually something pretty daft.

That's probably what's happening here.

Plus 4 coffee dates in a row with no other dates thrown in to mix it up sounds tedious.

Guys really can't win if they are supposed to guess that a specific woman offering every second time means that she is going to be irritated to have that offer accepted.

And it's a red herring. You haven't found better to do in four dates. Call it a day.

Perhaps this is it. Perhaps we're just supposed to be friends.

Can you not progress to lunch or drinks or something or cook for each other? I think the four dates sound like a routine more than anything else. Same thing and predictable right down to who pays.

Do you feel more than friendship for him? Can you plan a different kind of "date" for the two of you - or is it bothering you that he hasn't taken the initiative to do this?

Turn about for relatively similar-in-cost dates outings wouldn't bother me; it sounds like you've both successfully avoided the "who pays?" awkwardness so far. Has there been some reason you'd think he might treat you or do something special and he hasn't - like your birthday, or you got a promotion, or something like that? His being extra careful with his cash could be a problem if the two of you become more serious and you're wanting to do things like go away together and he's too frugal, but it sounds like that hasn't come up yet.

But why is it tight? Both the man and the woman in this scenario are behaving exactly the same way! Why is he considered tight and the OP isn't?!

Are they dates OP?
Or meeting for coffee.

There is a difference.

Have you kissed? Held hands