Going Dutch is strangely irritating me.

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I've gone on a few coffee dates with a guy. He is a friend and he was the one who initiated the coffee dates. He is a very nice person but is very, very careful with his cash (almost lives on fresh air). He is in his mid 40s and has just bought a house so I get that he has to watch the pennys but he was always like this.
He bought the coffees first time around, I bought them 2nd time around, he bought them 3rd time around, I bought them 4th etc etc. I feel like it's getting a bit boring as it seems very transactional and measured. I don't believe that men should have to foot the bill all the time but a little gesture here and there would be nice.

I feel a little frustrated but I'm not sure why. Any opinion on this? Maybe I'm not really into him, or I need to get over myself as the days when men paid more are gone.

Would you like him more if he took you out for dinner and paid? If yes you are shallow, if no you’re obviously not that into him

Maybe she would be if he wasn't such a tight arse 😂

Op, have you suggested doing something different than going for a coffee?

Maybe he would be more into her if she wasn't such a tight arse

Why is he a tight arse but she isn't? They've split everything down the middle so far, yet the OP wants to be treated yet hasn't suggested treating him at all.

He’s ten years older and you’ve been on four coffee dates. Personally I think you should try and shake things up a little bit and if he just wants to do coffee dates then you could meet someone a bit more fun, if he’s happy doing this now and you become a couple what will you be doing together in a few years?

Sounds to me like you're a bit shallow.

"Dating" him because he's attractive & not happy because he's not paying more than you on your coffee "dates".

Do both of yourselves a favour & end it. Its not going anywhere & obviously not attraction on either side. Also he sounds tight with his money in any case which would only cause problems down the line.

@ShiningforLeeBertie well maybe they both are ! Why so many coffee dates op?

I get what you are saying op, but, having thought about it I can’t really say why? I earn enough to pay for me and mine and I would never be financially dependent on anyone else, ever and never have been. But, on the first few dates? I would absolutely want him to pay. I really can’t say why (other than the fact that all the tight men I’ve shagged have been crap in bed - they are selfish all ways!)
Dunno what it is - but I’m clearly not Dutch 🤣🤣🤣🤣

He doesn't want to pay for anything for you. Not a sign of a man who is into you sorry @BoundaryGirl3939 A man should be desperate to impress a woman in the early days, and not have the first 4 dates as shitty 'coffee dates.' I can feel my vagina drying up just thinking about it! 😱

You want more - and he is not prepared to give it. No woman wants - or needs - a tight arse man who wants to go on 'coffee dates' and makes her pay for herself.

He will be suggesting a fucking walking date next!

I'd rather spend my life alone than with a man who is miserly and tight-fisted. Imagine what life will be like with him when you're married and have children! You will be paying half for everything, even when you have much less income because of having children, and taking a hit on your income and career. He will take every penny you have towards the bills, leaving you with fuckall, and will never lift a finger in the house, and will leave all the childcare to you.

Bin him off. Tight-fisted men like this are shit in bed too. Don't waste any more time on this tedious loser.

I think it's because men are biologically programmed to provide, whereas women are programmed to nurture. So if a man is keeping an eye on the pennys at the beginning of a relationship, it just gives a stingy vibe. I understand that eventually men and women pool their resources together but a man acting traditional in the beginning is attractive.

Men should absolutely pay for the first few dates.

And if it doesn’t work out then they should absolutely pay for the first few dates with the next woman

And obviously if that one doesn’t work out then they will need to pay for the next few dates with the next person as they can’t risk anyone’s vagina drying up at them being anything other than a “provider”, god forbid they get the “ick”!

It's not a case of they should pay more if they're interested then they will. If not they're either not that bothered or just tight. Neither good!

Thanks for the replies everyone. I was trying to process it all in my mind. Ultimately I think we are just not into one another. There is no chemistry. Although he is handsome, I don't feel a huge physical attraction. I don't mind us being friends and in that case, taking turns is fine. It is clearer in my mind now.

100% nailed it OP. Exactly what I think. I really don't care if people disagree, and berate me for it, or come out with the predictable trope 'oh sorry is this the 1950s?!

And it's always the fucking 1950s! 😆Pick another decade why dontcha?! It's not just the 1950s when men provided more and women were the homemakers more! 😆

Well, why don’t you treat him to a few coffees instead?
Maybe he’s got the ‘ick’ as you’re such a tight arse?

If he bought the drinks on the next two dates what would actually change for you?

I think it's because men are biologically programmed to provide, whereas women are programmed to nurture.

What a fascinating claim! How can we find out if it's true?

Or if the OP wasn’t such a tight arse , maybe she should be paying for a fancy dinner?

I'm a little bit more frustrated with myself as I seem to meet nice men but I'm just not interested after a few meet ups.

This is worth some attention. You're finding them uninteresting after a few dates. What are you feeling about yourself? Are you placing them in a kind of no win, double bind place, signalling something different from what you actually want - you're not sure if it's a date, but you want swept off your feet.

He's irritating you, the Dutch thing is just the main reason.

Thinking about it, the relatively small number of women I've ended up in bed with who were insistent that the man pays for everything were universally crap in bed. They were way too selfish and it was all about them rather than us.

By contrast, the women I've been out with who regarded me as an equal tended to be great shags. There's a lot to be said for give and take.

Well there you go thats what its come to.

Everyones equal. so better suck it up.

So you want a relationship but don't want to invest more than a coffee and scone?