Going Dutch is strangely irritating me.

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I've gone on a few coffee dates with a guy. He is a friend and he was the one who initiated the coffee dates. He is a very nice person but is very, very careful with his cash (almost lives on fresh air). He is in his mid 40s and has just bought a house so I get that he has to watch the pennys but he was always like this.
He bought the coffees first time around, I bought them 2nd time around, he bought them 3rd time around, I bought them 4th etc etc. I feel like it's getting a bit boring as it seems very transactional and measured. I don't believe that men should have to foot the bill all the time but a little gesture here and there would be nice.

I feel a little frustrated but I'm not sure why. Any opinion on this? Maybe I'm not really into him, or I need to get over myself as the days when men paid more are gone.

The whole thing sounds uninspired.

You're only sort of into him.
He "likes" you.
If this was his big chance to be with a woman he's been crazy about for a while, he would be pulling out the stops to impress. Not necessarily with paying for things and big gestures, but thinking of interesting things to do together, messaging you things to impress or entertain you. Not just a checking in, keeping contact ticking over.
All sounds very low effort to me.

Is it the payment method that’s boring you, or the repetitiveness of the coffee dates? Why not shake it up and do something different?? Go wild, split the bill!

No. We haven't kissed, or held hands. So apologies...they were not technically dates.

He asked me out a few years ago. I said no as I wasnt looking for anything. Started doubting myself a month or two ago as he is handsome and thought I'd give it a shot as we seem to have good conversations and shared interests. We live nearby.

He is not looking to take advantage as he isn't like that. I thought my feelings for him would develop but they're not. So if it's just friendship, buying coffee in turns is fine. I just needed to write this out to process it in my head.

I agree with the thread title, but what you’ve described isn’t ’going Dutch’ to me. I take going Dutch to mean splitting the bill. I hate that as it seem mealy mouthed, fiddly and mean.
The taking turns to pay the bill that you’ve described sounds perfectly fair and civilised, two adults contributing equally without any of the cringy fuss of getting the calculator out.
Going for endless coffees though? Sounds dull as anything. Doesn’t he fancy a slap up dinner?

Yea this is lame on his part. It will become old fast. Next.

I don't believe that men should have to foot the bill all the time but a little gesture here and there would be nice.

Maybe he's feeling the same way?

And yes, perhaps he is not into me if it's all so low effort. And that is fine with me too. Friends it is.

God I’m just imagining you two repeatedly sitting in a shitty chain Costa or something for your one coffee each date…

Why do you keep going for coffee? Can’t one of you suggest something else?

Bin him. It is tedious to count pennies.

Stingy with cash translates to stingy with love and probably lousy in the sack.

Does he give you the fanny gallops.
Have you ever looked at him whilst he's chatting and thought" Just shut up and kiss me".
Or is it just 'pleasant'.

Just because someone is nice or good on paper, doesn't mean you fancy them. Also, handsome means nothing if they're tight.

Your situation...I'd probably not be dating him further. I like men to be gentlemanly. That doesn't mean they pay for everything but, splitting - is for friends imo.

If a guy wants to split everything (assuming he is working) I find he either is tight af or just isn't that into you. Or he doesn't like women. Not saying there aren't exceptions to this of course, but, generally that's what's what.

Say its a case of 3 strikes and they are out, well splitting for me uses up 2 of those 3 strikes. If you feel that way too, that's OK. They're your non negotiables and everyone has different picks for those.

I think you're just not feeling it, rather than there is anything wrong with him

Four dates, four coffee dates, no kissing and you’re worried about him not paying for the coffee more?

Christ, there’s much bigger issues here than money.

This has absolutely no legs, sorry OP, you are both in the friends zone still and from what you’ve said it’s not going to go anywhere other than this.

Does he even know they're dates???

He might ne trying to not overstep the friend zone?

Whatsapp him 'hey do you want to do a proper date? Maybe cocktails tomorrow evening?'

See how the dynamic plays it.

Ot sounds like he thinks you don't want to date him still and are going out as mates!!

The fact that he's very very careful with his money and hasn't suggested doing anything other than go for coffees would be enough to put me off him OP.

This is a good idea! One more shot going on a definite date this time?

Sounds boring.....either change it up or move on.
Finances aside you need something more spontaneous and gestures either side.

OP please don’t settle for someone who doesn’t sweep you off your feet, make you fell giddy etc, I spent so many years dating not the right people and then I found someone who wanted the same as me but he didn’t wow me, but I told the younger me it was right. It was blooming disastrous. I jumped ship six weeks before the wedding. That was twenty odd years ago, it took me a couple of years to meet Mr Very Very Right and still blissfully happy.

It's not the going Dutch that's irritating you - not you're even going Dutch, you're just taking turns to pay, which again is fine - I did this with my DH in the early first dates - he paid for dinner, I bought the drinks afterwards or vice versa, it all evened out.

It's the repetitive nature of the dates and lack of chemistry that's irritating you.

Unless there is a massive backstory, 4/5 dates in at your age, I'd expect a bit more physical contact by now and a desire to mix things up or at least try and impress each other. It sounds a bit beige and comfortable to me which is fine after a number of years but in the early stages, it should feel a bit more exciting for you.

OP, you deserve to be with someone who cannot do enough for you.

This is the most pointless bread I have ever read op.

You are friends, taking it turns to buy coffee.

Which has nothing to do with money. I started dating a man 8 months ago and I’ve properly fallen in love with him. He makes every effort for me, and seems to genuinely care about my comfort and happiness. We always split the bill when out for food and we always take turns with buying drinks or event tickets. We never had a discussion about it, it’s just what we started doing from the beginning. Money isn’t an issue, we both have it, we both own our homes mortgage free… it’s just not something we care or think about. And we don’t keep track, there will have been times when one of us bought two in a row or something but who cares? He doesn’t show his love through money, I don’t want his love shown through money, we both have enough money… it doesn’t matter one bit.